Something Rotten

SCENE 2: The Theatre - Inside the theater NICK BOTTOM steps forward, standing center stage wearing a crown and cape. He is flanked by his TROUPE.

Oh noble kinsmen that royal blood and love do bind. Seek now thy own succor, and flee thy native land. To die today twill not be done til dawn Ta-tee, ta-tum, da-dee-da-dum and who talks like this? (to Nigel) Nigel, why can't we just write like we speak?

ROBIN: Did I miss my cue?

Robin, what are you wearing? This isn't dress rehearsal.

PETER QUINCE: Nick, I havea question about motivation…

Yes…?

PETER QUINCE: Why haven't you given up yet?

Peter! This one is working, I can feel it -it's just missing something right here. Nige, help me out.

NIGEL: Um, well… I did write something in my notebook last night… (removes a small leather bound book from his satchel) I was thinking it might be good if King Richard is contemplating his own mortality… but now that I've said it out loud, it sounds stupid.

Well, let me read it.

NIGEL: It's probably terrible.

Let me see! (There's a tug of war. NICK finally gets the notebook and reads as NIGEL nervously looks on.)

NIGEL: Oh, God, it's bad, isn't it? I don't even know why you let me write with you.

Nigel, it's good.

NIGEL: Yeah?

It's really good.

NIGEL: Well, I put a lot of layers in it…

One suggestion. (pointing to pages) How about instead of "tombstones" he says "epitaphs.

NIGEL: Oooh, yeah -that's better. Good one, brother.

Okay, everyone take your places. Let's try this. (reading) Let us talk of graves, of worms, of epitaphs (raised eyebrow to Nigel, impressed with himself) Make dust our paper, and with rainy eyes Write sorrow on the bosom of the earth. (then - fist pump) Yes! That is good! I'm starting to believe this is gonna be the Bottom Brothers' first hit.

LORD CLAPHAM: Pity we have to shut it down! (LORD CLAPHAM, their patron, enters. He's a lessor lord and extravagantly overdresses to compensate; pink and orange satin with a ridiculously ornate feathered hat. THEY all bow to him.)

Lord Clapham. What do you mean - shut it down?

NIGEL: Shakespeare??

Why is he doing Richard the 2nd?? He just did Richard the 3rd! Who goes backwards?!

NIGEL: He breaks convention. That's why he's so great.

Oh yeah? Did you see Romeo and Juliet? What's so great about two lovers who kill themselves in the end?

NIGEL: You should. It's life-changing.

Is it? "Love you, stab myself, drink poison, the end."

PETER QUINCЕ If he quits, we're all out of a job… (CLAPHAM starts to exit. NICK follows.)

Lord Clapham, please…

LORD CLAPHAM: Write something original - like the Bard! (CLAPHAM exits)

The "bard."Why is he the Bard? He's uh bard. Just like I'm a bard, you're a bard. HE'S JUST ONE OF THE BARDS!

NIGEL: He's the Bard because he does it all: histories, tragedies, comedies.

Comedies?? Name one thing of his that's funny. Gimme a line, anything.

NIGEL "On my word, we'll not carry coals for then we should be colliers!" NIGEL laughs. The TROUPE laughs.

That's not funny! Urggggghhhhhh…

NIGEL: BUT-HE'S BRILLIANT, WHAT MAJESTY FLOWS FROM HIS PEN HIS POETRY SOARS LIKE A SWEET VIOLIN GOD'S OWN INSPIRATION LIKE LIGHTNING DOTH STRIKE HIM AND HE CAPTURES MY SOUL

Jeez, you sound just like him!

TROUPE: Yeah, what are we gonna do!/Where will you find a patron?/What Show are we doing now!/I'm Hungry, etc.

It's ok… don't worr… Tom, it's gonna be… QUIET! (THEY quiet) I'll take care of it. Come back tomorrow and we'lI have a new idea.

SCENE 3: A South London Street / Outside Nick & Bea's House TOWNSPEOPLE mill about.

New idea… new idea… we need a new idea.

NIGEL: I still say we should write our life story -two orphaned brothers, their father lost at sea, whose mother died of a broken heart. How you, at age 14, carried me, your sickly little brother on your back-all the way from Cornwall.

No. We gotta think bigger! We have to innovate. The world is changing. I recently heard about a man who has a toilet that flushes.

NIGEL: Really?? He doesn't throw his shit into the street?

No. He pulls a lever and it gets whooshed down a pipe… and then into the street. And that's what we need. Something new.

NIGEL: But that's what you're good at -big ideas. I'm really just a poet at heart. You were doing better without me, oh God am I the problem?

No. Shakespeare is! Why did I ever suggest he become a writer? I was just trying to get him out of our troupe because he was so annoying. Now he's like this giant sun… that… that…

NIGEL: "Shines so bright, no other star is seen."

See? That's good! Which is why we work together. Now let's get to it. (NIGEL enters Nick's house (which has just moved into place). Before Nick enters, SHYLOCK steps out from around the corner.)

SHYLOCK: Nicholas Bottom.

Shylock! What are you doing at my house?

SHYLOCK: Your debt is due.

Shhhh… (pulls him away from house) I've, uh…hit a little setback with the play. But-if you give me another week -I'Il name a character after you.

SHYLOCK: Too late. Shakespeare already promised that. I can see it now. "Shylock -the really nice Jew." Here's a better offer. Cut me in as an investor in your play and I'll cancel your debt.

You're not a patron, you're a money lender!

SHYLOCK: BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY JOB THEY'LL LET JEWS DO! But what I really love -ohhhhh, what gives me nachus in my pupik-is the theater. I LOVE IT! I-love-it I-love-it I-love-it. I love the sights, the smells, the roar of the crowd, the splat of the fruit as it hits the actors. It's a temple to me, I tell you. A temple! Catholic, Protestant, Jew-I don't give a rats tuchus. My religion-is theater.

Wow, I had no idea. But I can't, it's illegal. If I let you invest we'd both be hanged at Tyburn.

SCENE 4: Nick & Bea's House NICK enters. NIGEL is at the table eating from a bowl. BEA is at the cast iron kettle over the fire.

Hello, darling. How wasvas your day? (THEY kiss.)

BEA: Interesting. I went to the stocks and watched the mob throw cabbages at the criminals.

What'd you do that for?? You hate all that!

BEA: I know, it was awful. (handing him a bowl) Boiled cabbage?

Ah. I see.

BEA: Aw, thanks Nige. There would've been meat, but the landlord came by demanding the rent-took our last shilling right out of my hand. Then I was gonna surprise you with some mutton-but sheep are fast.

Wait, wh-you chased a SHEEP? Alright, that's it. (HE pushes away from the table and heads for a WOODEN LOCK BOX on the mantle.)

BEA: What are you doing?

I'mjust… (HE grabs the money box. SHE quickly takes it away.)

BEA: No! We've been through this, we do not touch the money box!

Come on, Bea… we shouldn't have to live like this. You deserve better.

BEA: Now, I know it's been a while since we've put any money in there, and that's why I was thinking-I should get a job.

What? No, if you get a job, that will just make me feel like a failure. None of the other writers' wives have jobs.

BEA: Well, they should. This is the nineties! We've got a woman on the throne and by the year 1600, women will be completely equal to men. Ooh! I just thought of the perfect job for me. I could be in your play!

What?? You can't act. (SHE BURST INTO TEARS, covers her face with her hands.) Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

BEA: Gotcha. See I can act.

You know it's illegal to put women on stage.

BEA: What?

Not cancelled, Nige. That's such a negative way to put it.(firing him a look) I mean, yes, we are no longer doing Richard the Second but only because we've come up with… a better idea!

BEA: Oooh, what is it?

Can't say. Don't want to jinx it.

BEA: So… there is no idea.

Well, we've had the idea… (HE motions to Nigel, help me out here…)

BEA: Then let me help you! I'll go out and earn some money and that'll take the pressure off you guys.

Bea, listen…

BEA: Quit trying to protect me!

Can we change the subject please?

(BEA) THINK OF ME AS YOUR SIDEKICK HELPING YOU WHENEVER I CAN I'M MORE THAN JUST A WOMAN, BABY WHEN THE PRESSURE'S COMIN', BABY LET ME BE YOUR RIGHT HAND MAN

But you're not a man. I'm the man.

BEA: Uggggh! (to Nigel) He's not hearing me. (back to Nick) IF YOU'RE EVER IN A PICKLE YOU CAN CALL FOR ME AND QUICK'LL BE HOW FAST I RUN

But… I'm not in a pickle.

NIGEL: You should probably listen. She's usually right.

Eat your cabbage. (SHE steps in front of Nick. HE tries to protest, SHE keeps interrupting his attempts.)

(BEA) AND DON'T FORGET I'M NOT A SHRINKING VIOLET A SOLID ROCK AMI SO DON'T BE THINKING I'LL CRUMBLE WHEN THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT HITS THE FAN NICK tries to speak. SHE kisses him to stop him from speaking. THERE'S NO PROBLEM THAT'S TOO BIG WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, THAT'S THE GIG SO DON'T BE A SEXIST PIG! IS IT ASKING TOO MUCH OF YOU? IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU LET ME BE YOUR RIGHТ IN FACT I'LL SHOW YOU THAT I'M RIGHT… SHE grabs a bow and arrow, straps it on.

What are you doing now?

BEA: I'm gonna get you boys some MEAT! (singing) NICK BEA BABY I'M YOUR RIGHT DON'T PUT UP A FIGHТ I CAN BE YOUR RIGHT STARTING HERE TONIGHT LET ME BE YOUR RIGHT HAND MAN LET ME BE YOUR RIGHT HAND-MAN (SHE slams the door and is gone.)

What just happened?

NIGEL: I'd love to have someone to do stuff like that for me. I think it's sweet.

It's humiliating. She goes out in the town square collecting old cabbage to feed us? What sort of husband am I? That's why we need a new idea. One great idea can turn everything around. Oh, and we need it by tomorrow.

NIGEL: Tomorrow?? Oh God… (NIGEL starts breathing quickly, clutching his chest.)

Don't….

NIGEL: (starting to hyperventilate) I just… I don't think I can write under this sort of pressure. (NIGEL'S breathing gets worse, he doubles over, gasping for air. NICK grabs his shoulders, steadies him.)

It's okay. Breathe, breathe… I'll… see what I can come up with, and we'll start again first thing in the morning.

NIGEL: OK-sorry Nick. (hugs him) I love you so much.

Ilove you, too. Now get some sleep.

(NICK) IT COULD RELIEVE ME FROM THE PRESSURES OF RESPONSIBILITY I'VE GOT TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, GOT TO FIND THAT POT OF GOLD IF THERE WAS JUST SOME WAY TO KNOW JUST WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS…

(suddenly has a thought) What the future holds… (HE checks to make sure no one is around, then lifts the wooden chest, removes a bag of coins from it, then puts the box back and exits. Set transitions to…)

PSYCHIC WOMAN: Lucky heather sir?

Thanks, but… I need more than luck. (NICK approaches a MAN WITH AN EYEPATCH, checks over his shoulder.) Psst. Hey. I'm looking for a soothsayer.

EYEPATCH MAN (pointing) Norbert the Knowing. Supposed to be the best. (A second story window opens, NOSTRADAMUS pokes his head out.)

(reading) "Out of business due to unforeseen circumstances." (then…) So obviously not the very best.

NOSTRADAMUS: Did I hear a need for future seeing? The window closes. We hear footsteps on stairs, then falling, pots and pans, a cat SCREECH, then a door opens and Nostradamus steps out. If seeing is what you need, then I can help you. If help is what you need, then I can see you. If neither is what you need, then I can foresee you leaving very shortly. Soam I hired? Actually, I know I will be, I'm just being polite.

Who are you?

NOSTRADAMUS: I-am Nostradamus.

THE Nostradamus?

NOSTRADAMUS: No. I'm his nephew. Thomas.

Thomas Nostradamus?

NOSTRADAMUS: (raising his hand as if giving oath) I promise. But I share the same gifts as my esteemed uncle. And for half a crown, I'lI share those gifts with you. And I predict for you a new life… with no teeth! That was a freebie.

NICK: Uhhh… I'll keep looking if you don't mind.

NOSTRADAMUS: Suit yourself. (getting a vision, then eerily) But beware the sign of the black dog.

NICK Right. Thank you. Good luck in the asylum. (NOSTRADAMUS goes one way, NICK goes the other. A PUB SIGN shifts and falls, stopping just before hitting Nick on the head. It says "THE BLACK DOG." (or-a MAN walks past carrying a sign, nearly hit Nick with it. When the man turns, we can see the sign says "BLACK DOG PUB")) Half a crown you said? (NOSTRADAMUS returns as NICK pays him.)

NOSTRADAMUS: Excellent! Now-what is it you would like the future to tell?

Well, I'm a writer -

NOSTRADAMUS: I knew that.

…and I want you to look into the future and tell me… (checks to make sure no one's listening) What will the next big thing in theater be?-what audiences will be lining up to see.

NOSTRADAMUS: Right. Stand back. Give me some space. (HE shakes out and warms up like an athlete before an event, then more hacking and clearing his sinuses, then squints hard and puts his fingers to his temples. He squints - then gets the shivers) Oh. Oh my. Wow. Ooooh, in the future, the theaters are very niiiice. Cushy red seats. AND A ROOF! And wait!… whoa, what is this?? It's UNBELIEVABLE!

What? What?!

NOSTRADAMUS: That much?? For a glass of wine?!?!

How about what's on the stage?

NOSTRADAMUS: Right. Getting to that… (HE squints, then gets a vision that causes him to stumble backwards. NICK has to catch him.) Whoa! What spectacle! I have seen the future!

What, what is it??!

NOSTRADAMUS: The biggest, most fantastic thing in theater will be… (painting it in the air) MUSICALS.

What?

NOSTRADAMUS: (painting it again) Musicals.

What the hell are "musicals?"

NOSTRADAMUS (squinting into the distance) to It appears to be a play where the dialogue stops and the plot is conveyed through song.

Through song?

NOSTRADAMUS Yes.

Wait, wait. So-an actor is saying his lines and then, out of nowhere, he just starts singing??

NOSTRADAMUS Remarkably, they won't think that.

Seriously? And why not?

NOSTRADAMUS: Because. IT'S… A… MUSICAL, A MUSICAL AND NOTHING'S AS AMAZING AS A MUSICAL WITH SONG AND DANCE, AND SWEET ROMANCE AND HAPPY ENDINGS HAPPENING BY HAPPENSTANCE BRIGHT LIGHTS, STAGE FIGHTS AND A DAZZLING CHORUS YOU WANNA BE GREAT THEN YOU GOTTA CREATE A MUSICAL

I don't know, I find it hard to believe people would actually pay to see something like this.

NOSTRADAMUS: SOME MAKE YOU HAPPY, SOME MAKE YOU SAD SOME ARE QUITE BIG, SOME QUITE SMALL CHORUS SOME ARE TOO LONG, SOME ARE JUST PLAYS WITH SONG. (AH) SOME MUSICALS HAVE NO TALKING AT ALL

No talking at all?

NOSTRADAMUS: THAT'S RIGHT, THERE'S NO TALKING. ALL OF THE DIALOGUE IS SUNG IN A VERY DRAMATIC FASHION

Um… really?

NOSTRADAMUS: YES, REAALLLLLLY

There's no tal -

NOSTRADAMUS: THERE'S NO TAL-KING AND THEY OFTEN STAY ON ONE NOTE FOR A VERY LONG TIME SO THAT WHEN THEY CHANGE TO A DIFFERENT NOTE YOU NOTICE. (dramatic chord) AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO CREATE A DRAMATIC EFFECТ BUT MOSTLY YOU JUST SIT THERE ASKING YOURSELF WHY AREN'T THEY TALKING?

Sounds miserable.

NOSTRADAMUS: I BELIEVE IT'S PRONOUNCED MISER-AHHH-BLUH

And people actually like this?

NOSTRADAMUS: No! They love it! And what's not to love? (singing) IT'S SUCH A DELIGHT, THERE'S NOTHING QUITE LIKE A MUSICAL (fingers to temples) Whoa, wait! Another vision. I haven't even told you the best part. (singing) FEEL THAT FASCINATING RHYTHM MOVE INTO YOUR FEET

Um… what is that? (NOSTRADAMUS shimmies his feet.)

NOSTRADAMUS: FEEL YOUR ASS GYRATING TO THAT TITILLATING BEAT (NOSTRADAMUS shakes his butt to the beat of the drum.)

Whoa… are you okay?

NOSTRADAMUS: YOU SLAP YOUR LAP (SLAP, SLAP) THEN FINGER SNAP (SNAP, SNAP) THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO TAР (NOSTRADAMUS does a little tap dance…)

What the hell are you doing now?

NOSTRADAMUS: It's called a "dance break." Apparently, this happens in musicals as well. People on stage, just bursting into spontaneous dance!

Why? Does it advance the plot?

NOSTRADAMUS: No.

Develop character?

NOSTRADAMUS Nope!

Then why do it?

NOSTRADAMUS, CHORUS: IT'S A MUSICAL IT'S A MUSICAL (IT'S A MUSICAL) (IT'S A MUSICAL) (Nick steps forward full of hope and wonder, surrounded by the chorus.)

Yes! Now, I get it! WE'LL DO A MUSICAL.

NICK, NOSTRADAMUS, CHORUS: A BIG HIT MUSICAL! (Song ends. After the (hopefully) long applause…)

You really think that'll work?

BROTHER JEREMIAН (O.S.) Portia! Come away from that heathen at once! (SHE snaps out of it as BROTHER JEREMIAH, a Puritan dressed in black with a flat brimmed hat, pulls her away, eyeing Nigel suspiciously. NICK enters with a lute strapped over his shoulder.)

Nigel! There you are. Big news.

NIGEL: Me, too. I think I'm in love.

NICK: You?? With who? (NIGEL points. THE HAGGARD WOMAN has stepped in front of Portia, looking crazed.) Wow. I guess a guy can only wait so long.

NIGEL: Not her. Her. The HAGGARD WOMAN moves away revealing PORTIA - who is standing next to BROTHER JEREMIAН.

A Puritan!? Are you mad?? DO YOU KNOW WHO HER FATHER IS?? (JEREMIAH stands on a soap box flanked by PORTIA and OTHER PURITANS as he preaches liked a crazed street evangelist.)

BROTHER JEREMIAН: Brethren, I say unto thee… the theaters are a scourge upon our land! Where men dress as women and kiss other men. I have seen it myself and it did stiffen my… resolve! (HE furrows his brow, what did I just say?, thhen moves on) For such sinful role-play is the gateway to lustful desires and fantasies of the flesh!

You really want that guy giving a speech at your wedding reception?

BROTHER JEREMIAH (pointed, towards Nick and Nigel) Let not thy sacred soul be poisoned by the playwrights and poets whose dark invention diverts simple minds from the one true book… (as HE is exiting, effetely to his men) C'mon, boys. (NICK pulls Nigel away, not noticing that he is still staring at Portia. SHE throws him one last glance before SHE exits.)

Forget about her. It'll never work. Now listen. You know the big idea we're looking for? Well, I've got it.

NIGEL: You have?

Yes. Now, I want you to listen with an open mind because it's a bit radical.

NIGEL: Okay. What is it?

(painting it in the sky) A MUSICAL. (NIGEL looks confused( It's a play with songs- but the songs advance the plot and develop character as they seamlessly segue from dialogue into singing. (NIGEL thinks about it for a beat.)

NIGEL: That… is… the most… amazing idea.

Yeah?

NIGEL: It's brilliant actually. How better to express the inner longings of the human soul than with music? And you're always writing songs on your lute.

I already dusted it off and started banging out a few tunes. And all those poems of yours?-there's your lyrics!

NIGEL Wow. It's perfect for us. How did you come up with this?

(quickly diverting question) That's-not important. But this is good, right?

NIGEL: Yeah. "A MUSICAL." Ilove it.

We just need to figure out what it's about.

NIGEL: I still say we should tell our…

Please don't say two brothers from Cornwall.

NIGEL: But why not? I think we should just write something emotionally true, something from the heart.

No! We need to think bigger. Was the Bible written from the heart?

NIGLE: Well, I would hope so.

Okay, it probably was but my point is -Matthew, Mark, Luke? Those writers were writing about an event. Something big, epic, world-changing. (suddenly hit with an idea) I've got it! Yes! Why didn't I think of this before?

NIGEL: What?!

The most significant historical event in the last thousand years! (LIGHTS OUT on them and up on the TROUPE who appear on the stage behind them.)

TROUPE: WHAT'S THAT COMING UP THE SILK ROAD OUT OF CHINA? THE BLACK DEATH WHAT'S THAT CREEPING ROUND YOUR PEEPEE AND YOUR VAGINA? THE BLACK DEATH (BLACK DEATH, ООН!) (BLACK DEATH, OОН!) THE BLACK DEATH -IT'S GONNA GET YA IT'S THE BLACK DEATH-IT'S GONNA HIT YA WITH THOSE BLISTERS OOZING LIKE SYRUP THAT PESTY LITTLE PESTILENCE IS KILLING HALF OF EUROPE IT'S THE BLACK DEATH-AND IT'S COMING FOR YOU… GRIM REAPERS enter with their scythes. MMMM MMM MMM MMM MMM… MMMM… MMMM… THE BLACK DEATH (BLACK DEATH, ООH) MMMM MMM MMM MMM MMM… MMMM… MMMM… THE BLACK DEATH (BLACK DEATH, OОН) BLACK DEATH IT'S GETTING CLOSER IT'S THE BLACK DEATH IT'S GETTING GROSSER AND IT'S MAKING IT'S WAY ACROSS ENGLAND SOON EVERYTHING THAT'S DANGLING WON'T BE ANY GOOD FOR DINGLIN' IT'S THE BLACK DEATH-AND IT'S COMING FOR YOU BLACK DEATH! Song ends. NICK turns to LORD CLAPHAM.

Well, m'lord? What do you think?