Clue Col. Mustard Lines

Front of card is previous/lead in line, front of card is Mustard's line

WADSWORTH. Good evening.

MUSTARD. (Entering fully:) Good evening. I’m not sure if I’m in the right-

WADSWORTH. Yes, indeed you are expected, Colonel.

MUSTARD. How do you- (know who I am?)

WADSWORTH. (Interrupting:) It is Colonel Mustard, isn’t it?

MUSTARD: No, that’s not my name. My name is Colonel-

WADSWORTH. I believe it’s been recommended that tonight you use a pseudonym.

MUSTARD. Oh, no thank you. I took an antihistamine before I came.

WADSWORTH. (Taking his coat:) May I take your coat?

MUSTARD. Oh. All right, I suppose I….

YVETTE. (Offering:) Champagne?

MUSTARD. (Taking the glass, flummoxed by her beauty:) Oh, uh, don’t mind if I

YVETTE. (Interrupting:) Zis way Monsieur.

MUSTARD. (Following her anywhere:) Ah. Thank you. (After doorbell, to WADSWORTH:) Are you expecting someone else?

YVETTE. Follow me, Colonel.

MUSTARD. With pleasure, my dear.

WHITE. Oh. Hello.

MUSTARD. Hello. Pleased to meet you.

WHITE. Welcome to the party.

MUSTARD. (Tickled pink:) This is turning out to be quite the crowd.

WADSWORTH. Colonel Mustard.

MUSTARD. Present.

ALL. (Ad-libbing:) Do you see my tag? / Is that me? / Is that you? / Oh, here you are, Mr. Green. / This looks lovely. (Etc.)

MUSTARD. (Not yet seated:) This place - at the head of the table - is that for you?

WADSWORTH. Indeed no, sir. I don’t sit. I am merely a humble butler.

MUSTARD. What exactly do you do?

SCARLET. I prefer Kipling myself. (Offering a basket of dinner rolls to MUSTARD:) Do you like Kipling, Colonel?

MUSTARD. (Helping himself:) Sure, I’ll eat anything. (Then:) So, who is our host? Is this where he sits?

PLUM. In my professional opinion, it seems you suffer from what we call “pressure of speech.”

MUSTARD: Is that an official diagnosis?

WHITE. (Putting it together:) Ahh. “U-NO WHO.” (Explaining to the table:) It’s an acronym

MUSTARD. (From the other side of the table - densely.) I have a sister who was a gymnast.

PLUM. (Flummoxed by MUSTARD:) You are a real Colonel, aren’t you?

MUSTARD. (Officiously:) I am, sir.

SCARLET: Aren’t you gonna mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C., Colonel?

MUSTARD: How did you know that?

GREEN. I’m not a Communist! I’m a Republican.

MUSTARD. (Stands, fed up:) Wadsworth, we’ve had about enough of this! Where’s our host, and why have we been brought here?!

WADSWORTH. (Evermore the butler:) Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?

ALL. No!

PEACOCK. I don’t smoke!

MUSTARD. (Reading:) “For Wadsworth. Open after dinner.” It’s for you.

WADSWORTH. (Having finished:) Right then, are you comfortable?

MUSTARD. I make a good living.

WADSWORTH. “It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to an end a certain long standing confidential and painful financial liability.”

ALL. (Ad-libbing:) Yes! / That’s what my letter said. / Indeed. (Etc.)

WADSWORTH. As it turns out, you all have one thing in common.

MUSTARD. That tyrant, McCarthy! We’re all being blacklisted, aren’t we?

WADSWORTH. Until you’d received your letters, you hadn’t known who was blackmailing you. But now, I’m sure that even the least discerning amongst you has determined that the man behind your ransom…. is Mr. Boddy himself.

MUSTARD. (Overlapping with others:) It’s Mr. Boddy. What a scoundrel!

WADSWORTH. Who Mr. Boddy is, is no concern of yours. Suffice it to say. he’s a supporter of the House Un-American Activities Committee - and he feels your activities have been decidedly un-American.

ALL. (Begins to protest - “Listen little man”?)

WHITE. (Interrupting:) Well, I’m willing to believe you. I took an being blackmailed for something I didn’t do.

GREEN/MUSTARD. (Piping up at the same moment:) So am I.

GREEN: Is that how you knew Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients.

MUSTARD. Certainly not!

GREEN. I was asking Miss Scarlet.

MUSTARD. (To SCARLET:) Well, you tell him it’s not true!

WADSWORTH. A double negative!

MUSTARD. Double “negative”? You mean you have - photographs?

WADSWORTH. That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I’m afraid you gave yourself away.

MUSTARD. Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

PLUM. (With a wink:) And what position exactly were you caught in, Colonel?

MUSTARD. This is an outrage!

WHITE. Say what you want. I didn’t kill him.

MUSTARD. Then why are you paying the blackmailer?

GREEN. “Mr. Green, who is a homosexual.”

MUSTARD. Not me.

GREEN. I beg your pardon?

MUSTARD. You asked, “Who is a homosexual,” and I said, not me.

WADSWORTH. And give up the opportunity to make a buck? Come now, Professor. What could be more American than tha?

MUSTARD. (In earnest:) Apple pie.

WHITE. Where is this Mr. Boddy?

MUSTARD. And what does he want from us?

WADSWORTH. There’s no way out!

ALL. Locked?! / This is an outrage! / You can’t hold us hostage! / Why?! (Etc.)

BODDY. How d’you do?

MUSTARD. Bribing all these good people? I don’t get it! What’s in it for you?!

WADSWORTH. (Getting their attention once more:) There is one more piece of information you may like to have.

ALL. What?!

WADSWORTH. The police are coming in less than an hour!

ALL. What? / Why? / The police?! / What are you talking about?

BODDY. (Recovering:) Unless….

ALL. Unless, what?

BODDY. Because if you don’t, I’ll put this briefcase - containing all the evidence needed to expose your wrongdoings - in the hands of the police, the press, and the House Un-American committee. With the right spin, those fellas can make a commie outta anyone. I think some of you would face a lifetime of jail, and others, a lifetime of shame.

MUSTARD. (A beat after all other chatter subsides - drawn out:) Oh, you bastard!

BODDY. Unless….

ALL. Unless what?!

BODDY. Well, there is something you can do for me that would change the game. Something I just can’t bear to do myself.

ALL. What?!

SCARLET. A candlestick? What’s this for?

MUSTARD. A wrench….

BODDY. I wouldn’t have to double your payments if I didn’t have to pay Mr. Wadsworth for his silence.

ALL. Wadsworth?!

SCARLET. (Re: a hole in the wall:) Look, there’s a bullet lodged here.

MUSTARD. Eagle eye, Miss Scarlet.

GREEN. Well, don’t look at me! I didn’t do it!

ALL (Joining in:) Me neither? / I didn’t do it! / What’re you looking at me for? (Etc.)

YVETTE. (From inside:) No!

MUSTARD. Yvette?! Are you alive?!

YVETTE. Or her….

MUSTARD. What took you so long?

YVETTE. Who cares about ze tapes? What about ze body?!

MUSTARD. What body?

YVETTE. Only ze Cook.

ALL. (Looking out:) ZE COOK!

SCARLET. With a dagger in her back!

MUSTARD. Someone must’ve killed her!

PEACOCK. (Hysterical:) I hate murders!

MUSTARD. I think you’d better explain yourself, Wadsworth.

WADSWORTH. Me?

MUSTARD. Well, who else would want to kill the Cook?

SCARLET. (A little laugh:) Dinner wasn’t that bad.

MUSTARD. How can you make jokes at a time like this?

SCARLET. It’s my defense mechanism.

MUSTARD. Some defense! If I were the killer, I’d kill you next. (Everyone gasps:) I said “If.” There’s only one admitted killer here, and it’s not me. (Pointing to WHITE) It’s Mrs. White!

WHITE. I’ve admitted nothing.

MUSTARD. You paid the blackmail. How many husbands have you had?

WHITE. Mine or other women’s?

MUSTARD. Yours.

WHITE. Five.

MUSTARD. Five?

WHITE. Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex - soft, strong, and disposable.

MUSTARD. Well, if it wasn’t you, who was it? Who had the dagger?

PEACOCK. Yes, but I put it down.

MUSTARD. Where?

PEACOCK. In the Study. Any one of us could’ve picked it up.

ALL. Well, I didn’t. / It wasn’t me. / I never even saw the Dagger. (Etc.)

PLUM. I thought I had!

MUSTARD. So was he dead or wasn’t he?!

PLUM. But once the police get here, the rest of us are doomed.

MUSTARD. (Taking charge:) Wadsworth, am I right in thinking that there is nobody else in this house?

WADSWORTH. Um, no.

MUSTARD. Then there is someone else in this house?

WADSWORTH. Sorry, I said “no” meaning “yes.”

MUSTARD. “No,” meaning “yes”?

WADSWORTH. Yes.

MUSTARD. Look, I want a straight answer.

GREEN. Don’t look at me.

MUSTARD. Wadsworth - is there someone else in the house, yes or no?

WADSWORTH. Um, no.

MUSTARD. No, there is? Or no, there isn’t?

WADSWORTH. Yes.

MUSTARD. There seems to be some confusion about whether or not we are the only people in this house.

WADSWORTH. There isn’t.

MUSTARD. There isn’t any confusion or there isn’t anybody else?

WADSWORTH. Either. Both.

MUSTARD. Just give me a clear answer.

WADSWORTH. What was the question?

MUSTARD. Is there anyone else in the house?

ALL. No!

MUSTARD. That’s what he says, but does he know?!

WADSWORTH. Ten points, Professor Plum.

MUSTARD. What kind of game are you playing, Wadsworth?

SCARLET. (From the desk:) Cool it, butler! While you lose your marbles, I’m over here trying to do something useful! Have you all forgotten about the evidence against us?

ALL. The evidence!

WADSWORTH. Empty?

MUSTARD. Where’s all the evidence?

SCARLET. And destroy it!

MUSTARD. (Becoming officious:) Evidence against us aside, first things first. We’re in a room with two dead bodies.

YVETTE. And ze cops are on zeir way!

MUSTARD. Let’s move the corpses to the couch so they look less dead.

WADSWORTH. Careful. Don’t get guts on the ground.

MUSTARD. (Impressed by PLUM dragging BODDY’S body:) Solid battlefield technique, Professor Plum. Never leave a man behind.

GUESTS. Ohhh.

MUSTARD. A hidden safe behind a portrait. How original!

YVETTE. Voila!

MUSTARD. What are you going to do with the key to the safe, Wadsworth?

SCARLET. The killer seems to be doing a fine job of opening and closing doors all by himself. I don’t see how us opening the door for one tiny second could possibly make any sort of a difference.

MUSTARD. But what if we open the door, throw away the key, and the killer catches it. Then the killer would have the key we’re trying to confiscate!

PLUM. (A dig:) Takes one to know one.

MUSTARD. Leave him to me. Interrogation is my specialty. (MUSTARD opens the door) How do you do?

MOTORIST. I’m sorry …. (As he enters, searching for words:) I didn’t mean to disturb the whole household, but my car broke down here, and I was wondering if I could use your phone.

MUSTARD. (Accusatorially:) Are you a killer?

MOTORIST. What? No!

MUSTARD. (Entirely convinced:) All right. (Showing him in:) This way please.

MOTORIST. Well, where is it?

MUSTARD. What? The body?

WADSWORTH. What? There’s no body. There’s nobody.

MUSTARD. Riiight. There’s nobody in the Study.

PLUM. We’ve got this one potential suspect contained in the Lounge - but that leaves the whole rest of this place up for grabs. Who knows what’s behind all these doors.

MUSTARD. I suggest we handle this in proper military fashion. We split up, and search the house.

PEACOCK. Split up!?

MUSTARD. Yes! We’ll split up into pairs. That way none of us will be alone.

YVETTE. Mon dieu!

MUSTARD. But then we would have discovered who the murderer is!

PEACOCK. But the other half of the pair would be dead!

MUSTARD. This is war, Peacock! Casualties are inevitable. You cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs - every cook will tell you that.

GREEN. Colonel, are you willing to take that chance?

MUSTARD. What choice do we have?

GREEN. I suppose you’re right.

MUSTARD. (Officious:) All right, troops. Divide and conquer. I’ll split us into pairs. Eenie-meenie-miney….

SCARLET. (Whispering conspiratorially:) Psst.

MUSTARD. Oh, there you are.

SCARLET. You’ll never believe what I found in the hallway. (Showing:) Professor Plum’s stupid tobacco pipe!

MUSTARD. Huh. What do you think that means?

SCARLET. Who knows? But it seems suspicious if you ask me.

MUSTARD. I just did.

SCARLET. Honestly, Colonel. (Moving on:) This is the last room left to search in this beastly mansion and we still haven’t found the evidence.

MUSTARD. I think this time has been productive nevertheless.