Ernie Cusack

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Hi, Cookie. Hi, Ernie.

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Hi, Cookie. Hi, Ernie.

Hello Chris. Hello Lenny.

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Mr. Gorbachev? . . . He said,"I don't know. I never ate cat food before.

Sorry we're late. Did we miss much?

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You have got to get Lenny to tell you the story about Mrs. Thatcher and the cat food.

It sounds funny already. Heh heh heh.

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No, it's for my back. It went out again while I was dressing.

You all right, Honey?

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It's nothing. I can do everything but sit down and get up.

Hey, Lenny, is that your BMW? Looks like you put a lot of miles on in 2 days.

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Oh don't tell me! Lenny! Claire! . . . I'm so sorry.

It was an accident, honey. We'll replace it, of course.

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What about a drink, everyone?

I'll have something.

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I'm right near the bar.

You're all going to get me a drink? Such friendly people. I'd love a bourbon, please.

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A spasm. It's gone. It's all right. It just shoots up my back and goes.

You all right, poops?

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Listen, maybe we should all sit outside. It's such a beautiful evening.

Okay. Okay, you kids, what's going on here?

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what do you mean?

You think I don't notice everyone's acting funny? Three people want to get me a drink. Chris wants me to hear this funny story. Lenny wants to get us all outside. Everyone creating a diversion. Why? I don't know. Am I right?

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Here it is.

You all right, chicken?

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It's all laid out. Roast ham, smoked turkey, duck and pasta.

Roast ham? Duck? . . . That's too much cholesterol for me.

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A sixty year old Russian dress.

The dress is hardly an issue worth arguing about.

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I didn't say we wouldn't cook it.

She didn't say we wouldn't cook it. Why is everyone getting so worked up about this?

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All right, Ernie, let's not turn this into group therapy, please.

This is nothing like group therapy, Claire. You, of all people should know that.

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Please lower your voices. We're going to spoil the surprise for Charley and Myra.

What surprise? It was their idea.

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I'll do all the cooking myself and Ernie'll do the serving.

Honey, no one's asking you to do that.

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Oh give me a break.

What the heck was that?

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Would you all excuse me for a minute? I hate when this happens.

Am I crazy or was that a gunshot?

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A gunshot? Nooo. I think it was a car backfiring.

In Charley's bedroom?

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Oh I know. I know. I know exactly what it was . . . It was a balloon. They've been blowing up party balloons up there all day.

What kind of balloon was that, the Goodyear blimp? . . . I'm going up.

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I'll get it.

I still think it sounded like a gunshot.

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Hello? Who? Dr. Cusack? Yes he is. Who is it, please?

Is that for me?

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Uh huh. Uh huh. It's a conference call. Mr. and Mrs. Klein, Mr. and Mrs. Platt, Mr. and Mrs. Fishman.

Oh, it's my Friday night group. I have a telephone session with them.

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See where Ernie is with my drink, will you?

I thought I heard Lenny in here. I have his spritzer.

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I'll hold it for him. How's Cookie?

Not well. I gave her some aspirin for her back, but she dropped them in the sauce.

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Good. Then we'll all get rid of our headaches.

Did Lenny say what that sound was?

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The gunshot?

It was a gunshot?!

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No. I was referring to the sound you thought was a gunshot.

It wasn't a balloon, I know that.

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No. It was a can of shaving cream. It exploded.

Shaving cream exploded?

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It's all right it washes off.

Incredible.

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Ernie? I need you to put out some garbage.

I'm not through talking to my group yet.

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Of course l. We would all miss him terribly.

I purposely went around so you wouldn't have to go to the door.

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I'll get it. Ernie, get another bag of ice. I'm melting.

I'm beginning to feel like one of my patients.

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I'll go up and see how Ken and Charley are doing . . . I feel like I'm at the Alamo.

Darn, I burned my fingers! Hot hot hot, oh God it's hot!

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Oh, dear.

Sonofagun, that hurts. Oh craperini!

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What happened?

Cookie dropped her ice bag and slipped against the stove. The hot platter was about to fall on her, so I lifted it up. Then I dropped it on the table and it broke the water pitcher and the glass shattered on her arm and she's bleeding like hell. I got a dish towel on her wrist and I propped her up against a cabinet. But I need some bandages for her arm and some ointment for my fingers. I never saw anything happen so fast.

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I was hoping there was more to the story.

I'm sorry, Claire. Did you ask for a drink?

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Listen, you have other things to think about.

Right.

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Claire? . . . Chris? . . . Where are you? . . . Ah, screw it. I'm beginning to feel like my car.

Lenny? You got those bandages?

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(Doorbell rings)

Nobody getting that door? . . . These kids are up to something, I know it.

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(Open door)

Hello

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Good evening.

Good evening. I don't know where everyone is.

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You mean we're the first?

No. Everyone's here. They're just . . . spread out a little.

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Perrier with lime, no ice.

Sure, fine. I don't believe we've met. I'm Ernie Cusack.

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Hello, Ernie.

Excuse my hands. Little accident in the kitchen.

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Sorry to hear it.

I would stay and chat but my wife is bleeding in the kitchen.

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Your wife?

Cookie. A water pitcher broke, cut her arm. I burned my fingers.

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That's a shame.

Nothing to worry about. We'll have dinner ready soon. Nice meeting you both.

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Hitler as a boy. A whole new slant on him.

Dinner's coming along. Double scotch, straight up.

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Oh thanks.

Lenny, have you got the bandages?

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Listen, I'm sorry. I mistook you for the butler.

I kind of thought you did. No, I'm an analyst.

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Oh for Pete's sake. I'm Glenn . . . How's your wife doing?

The spaghetti's boiling, but the duck is still frozen.

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No, I meant her arm.

Oh, not too bad. She's a trooper. Her fingers are cramping up a little.

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Oh. We called him. He's busy.

You called about Cookie's arm?

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And when the doctor called back, we told him about Ken's ears.

Isn't that incredible? From a can of shaving cream exploding!

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It was. But the pressure from the manhole cover made the shaving cream can explode.

I didn't hear that.

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You're kidding. I wish I did his taxes.

Wait a minute! Glenn Cooper? From Poughkeepsie. You're running for state senate.

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That's right.

I have a good friend who knows you very well.

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Really? Who's that?

Harold Green.

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Ernie, Cookie's waiting in the emergency room.

Right. There's your wife's Perrier. Nice to meet you, Glenn. . . . Thought I was the butler.

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Hello? . . . Hello?

I'll go get Myra and Charley

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Right! (4th time)

Why didn't I see it? People running up and down stairs, no one answering the door, cans of shaving cream exploding. I'm on the staff of Bellevue Hospital, how could I believe such a story? You never let on.

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Maybe he's still hungry. YOU WANT SECONDS, KENNY?

No, no. He wants to say something. Be quiet a minute, everyone . . . What is it, Ken?

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. . . I'm just glad it's over with.

It's all right, Ken. We know, Lenny told us.

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You know?

Yes.

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Who told you?

Lenny told us.

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Glenn told you?

No. Lenny. LENNY! LENNY TOLD US!

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Oh finish your ******* dinner and leave us alone, will you?

All right, take it easy, Lenny. He's been under a big strain.

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It sounded so real, I believed it.

What about you, Mrs. Cooper? What's her name?

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Cassie.

What about you, Cassie? Did you think something strange was going on?

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Yes, for about six months now.

What do you mean? What does she mean?

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Have you got them enrolled in a good school yet?

Oh come on, Claire. If crystals work for her, if they give her a sense of comfort and pleasure, what's wrong with it?

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If the planet is gone, don't the crystals go with it?

Lenny, don't.

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I can unscrew the toilet myself. I've done it before.

I don't think it's the time or the place to fix toilets, sugar.

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Hear hear

Bravissima!

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Doesn't anybody . . . Doesn't anybody-?

Quiet everyone. Quiet . . . What is it, Ken? Doesn't anybody what?

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What?

You're right. My God, he's right. We've all been so busy eating and explaining to each other, we forgot all about Charley.

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Right here. Right around here

We'll find them, honey.

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They're in my hand. I forgot I had them. I'm so stupid. Forgive me, everybody, I'm sorry. . . So, what were we saying.

Glenn, I'm a little worried about your wife. Do you think she's all right?

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Excuse me. I'm going up to get Charley's gun.

Cassie, everyone here is your friend. Why don't you and I go out on the terrace and have a nice, quiet talk?

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Charley begins with a C.

What is this, anagrams, for Pete's sake? Let him talk on the phone.

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My ears popped! They just opened up. My God, it sounds like a subway in here.

This is remarkable, but I'm having the first headache I've ever had in my life.

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