VANYA AND SONIA AND MASHA AND SPIKE: Spike's Lines

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 16)
MASHA: Dearest Vanya. Dearest Sonia. How wonderful to see you. How I’ve missed you, and this beautiful house.
Spike, darling, would you go to the car? I forgot to bring my Snow White costume.

Okay.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 16)

MASHA: And don’t forget the shepherd’s crook.

Okay.
Women, huh?

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 17)

VANYA: Spike?

Yup, that’s my name. Don’t wear it out.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 17)

VANYA: I’ll try not to.

Okay, I got the costume and this weird shepherd’s thing.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 17)

SONIA: Is Spike the name you were given at birth?

No, it’s my acting name. My real name was Vlad. But my agent said that that was hard to hear, and I was wearing my hair all spikey that day, and he said, why don’t you call yourself Spike. And so I do.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 17)
MASHA: Spike is a very gifted actor. He was almost cast in the sequel to Entourage, Entourage 2. HBO thought he was wonderful.

Yeah, I should’ve gotten that part.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 17)

MASHA: But, darling, you came so close. They brought you in to network. You were down to the last three.

Yeah. And they put me up in a fancy hotel.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 17)

MASHA: Well next time he’ll get the part.

Yeah, it’s only a matter of time.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 17)
SONIA: Really? You’ve had five husbands.

I like older women.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 17)

VANYA: I’m relieved to hear it.

Hey, a spark is either or it’s not, right, Mashie?

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 17-18)
SONIA: Really. Every time I see you, Masha, you make me feel bad. First, you don’t notice me in the room somehow, and say hello to me as an afterthought. And now here you are nearing your dotage, and you’ve hooked up with some young stud. While I am forced to live through a succession of tedious days and tedious nights, and I never have fallen in love with anyone. Nor anyone with me. I’m sorry I was adopted into this family. I wish I had been left in the orphanage, and killed myself. Excuse me.

Wow, intense.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 18)
VANYA: No, I guess you can’t.

But the unhappy orphanage lady thinks I’m a stud, that’s nice. What about you? Do you like how I look?

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 18)
MASHA: Now, Spike, I’m sure Vanya thinks you’re a perfectly nice-looking young man. Let’s leave it at that.
He craves attention slightly. But all good actors do.

I’m hot!

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 18)

VANYA: Oh yes? Shouldn’t you leave that for others to say?

No, I mean I’m warm. The air is warm, I’m hot.
That pond that’s out there. Can you swim in it?

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 18)

VANYA: Swim in it? It’s not very deep. You can wade in it.

Yeah. Maybe I’ll do that.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 18)

MASHA: Really, darling, you want to wade in a pond?

Yeah, it’s a hot day.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 18)

MASHA: I guess it is. There are frogs in the pond you know.

I like frogs.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 18)
MASHA: Did you bring a swim suit?

No, I can just strip to my underwear. See you later, babe, I’m gonna go cool off in the pond.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 18)
MASHA: Well, if that’s what you want, darling.
He’s so unpredictable.

See you later!

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 25)
MASHA: Oh. That’s a comforting point. Thank you. I shouldn’t be intimidated by a young girl, should I? Plus I don’t actually know how pretty she is, maybe she’s hideous.

Look who I met at the pond.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 25)

MASHA: Oh did you meet someone?

Yes. She’s visiting her aunt and uncle who live next door. And you’re her favorite actress, and she came over here hoping to meet you.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 26)
NINA: How lovely to meet you. And what a funny joke about the furniture.

I told Nina I’d introduce her to my manager. And I invited her to the costume party.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 26)
MASHA: You invited her. How nice. I have an idea! Spike, why don’t we skip the party and hop in the car and race back to New York City right this minute. I suddenly want to see a Broadway show. How late is the half-price ticket booth open, does anyone know?

No, I wanna go to the party. And Nina is so excited to meet you. She just worships you. As do I.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 27-28)
MASHA: Spike, why don’t you …
Goodness, you’re still in your underwear. Spike, dear, why don’t you do the opposite of a strip tease, and put your clothes back on, and then you can show Nina the audition you did. I coached him.

Oh, okay.
First I have to take my shoes off, so I can put my pants back on.
And now it’s time for the jeans.
But I’m not going to zip the zipper up all the way. Not just yet.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 28)
MASHA: Maybe we don’t need to watch Spike while he’s dressing.

No it’s alright, I don’t mind. I’m going to leave the zipper a little undone. Because I know I’m going to tuck in my shirt when I get to putting that on.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 28)

SONIA: Should we leave the room until he’s finished?

No, I’m almost done. Now I could do the shirt first, or I could do the belt first. I think I’ll do the belt.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 28)
MASHA: What are you doing? Are you insane?

You told me to do a reverse strip tease.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 28)

Did I? Well I’m sure I didn’t mean it. Just get dressed for God’s sake.

Okay, okay. The older generation is all uptight about their bodies.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 28)
MASHA: Okay, now your clothes are back on, very good, thank you. We all had a lovely time.

Gosh, you’re in a weird mood today.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 28)
NINA: Well maybe I should be going.

No. I was going to show my audition. Unless you don’t want to see.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 28)

NINA: No, I’d love to see.

The original series Entourage is about this young actor who’s making it big in the movies, and it’s about the guys who hang around him — his friends, his manager, his agent. Everyone wants a piece of him.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 28-29)

NINA: I’d be so nervous if I ever had to audition. But I’d be so thrilled, too.

Yeah, it’s tough to audition. I was real lucky to have a pro like Masha coach me.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 29)
MASHA: Yes, let’s get to the audition now.

So I was auditioning for the spin-off series Entourage 2. And it has a different setup because in this one there’s an up-and-coming actor who’s starting to make it big in the movies, but he’s played by someone else, so the implication is it’s another character.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 29)

MASHA: It’s not an implication. He is another character.

Right. I know that. His name is Bradley Wood, and he’s the lead. And in this version, his entourage is this old dame who’s his agent, and this young guy on coke who’s his manager, and his best friend from high school who’s a girl who has a crush on him but she has this disease that gives her convulsions so she can never kiss anybody, ‘cause she gets convulsions. And I live next door to a rabbi who’s played by Judd Hirsch. But he’s not on every week.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 29)

MASHA: Yes, yes. Let’s move it along, pacing, pacing.

Okay, and he’s been having an affair with his older agent lady, but he’s thinking of moving on to another agent. So the scene is between Bradley Wood and his lady agent.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 29)
NINA: I see.

Okay he comes into the room, and the manager is there. “Hey, good-looking. How’s tricks?” And Masha used to read the other lines. Do you remember them, Masha?

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 29-30)
MASHA: Kind of. But I think you should try to do it as a monologue … we’ll all intuit what the other lines are.

Oh, okay.
Hey, good-looking. How’s tricks?
What? Who told you that? Hey, don’t cry. Come on, give me a smile. Besides it’s not definite.
Well … yeah, it’s true, I did meet with some agents at CAA. I thought they were real impressive. I mean, they can call up Sandy Bullock, they can call up Julia Roberts. You gotta face it, you don’t know that caliber of person. What?
What about loyalty? What about my career? What about my getting ahead? Yeah, I know you put in a lot of time with me. But I put a lot time in with you, too. And I don’t know … I think I might like CAA better. What?
Oh, that. Well, yeah, just ‘cause I go to another agent doesn’t mean we have to stop sleeping together occasionally. Well I think it’s occasional. I mean I sleep with other people, too. I want to be successful, I can’t just sleep with one old broad all the time. Oh, I’m sorry, don’t cry. I think of “old broad” as a term of affection.
Oh yeah? Well fuck you!

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p.30)
NINA: Oh that was wonderful. I can sense great things in your future.

Yeah, cool. Thanks.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p.30)
MASHA: Spike, do you want to take a nap with me?

I think I’ll have the soup and sandwich.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p.30)
MASHA: I think I’m getting a headache. Excuse me.

I’ll come up in a bit and give you a massage.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p.30)

SONIA: Alright. See you later then. Goodbye, Spike.

So it’s just you and me, pal.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p.30)
VANYA: Yes.

Time to tie on the old feed bag, right?

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 30-31)
VANYA: Oh yes, right.

Tell me, did you like my audition? Feel free to be honest.

ACT 1 SCENE 1 (p. 31)
VANYA: Um … I think I liked it very much. I don’t see why HBO didn’t cast you. I think they must be … muddled.

Yeah, screwed up, huh? Come on, old guy, let’s go chow down, and you can tell me more of what you thought.

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p.34)
MASHA: You finally found it.

You said she didn’t have a costume. She wearing a costume.

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p.34)
MASHA: It doesn’t go with Snow White. Nina understands.

I think she looks pretty.

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p.34)
MASHA: It doesn’t matter if she looks pretty if it doesn’t relate to Snow White. We all agreed Snow White was the theme.

None of us agreed to it.

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p.34)
MASHA: Now why don’t you go change in the bathroom off the kitchen.

That’s the size of a closet.

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p.34)
VANYA: He looks sexy. Though for the full effect, maybe he should go in his underwear.

That’s what I said.

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p.34-35)
MASHA: You have been in your underwear entirely too much today. Let’s not argue. I’m turning into a harpy. Let me change my aura. Everyone be quiet a moment.
Oh I feel better. Life is good. And Spike, you look wonderful as Prince Charming.

Thank you. You make a hot Snow White.

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p. 35)
SONIA: As played by Maggie Smith about to win an Oscar. Oh, Sidney, do you think I’ll win? I already have one Oscar for Miss Jean Brodie —
“Little gels, I am in the business of putting old heads on young shoulders” — but it would be lovely to win a second Oscar, my first one is so lonely on the mantelpiece. Do you agree, Sidney? Will I win tonight? Tonight let it be me, Sidney.

Sidney? Sidney Kowalski?

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p. 35)
MASHA: No, I’m kidding. I’m making a self-aware joke about how competitive I am. Spike, go to the kitchen and see if Nina has gotten tangled up in a door knob or something.

Okay.

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p. 36)
MASHA: Yes that sounds fine. Look, stop looking so upset. Financially I have to be practical. Now let’s forget it for now, and go have a lovely time at this party, alright?
Spike, hurry up! I’m going to the car.

What was Masha yelling about?

ACT 1 SCENE 2 (p. 36)
VANYA: She’s waiting for you in the car.

Oh, okay.
Coming!

ACT 2 SCENE 1 (p. 38)
MASHA: Oh for God’s sake.
I don’t see why she can’t walk home. Doesn’t she just live next door?

It’s dark out. She could fall in a ditch.

ACT 2 SCENE 1 (p. 38)
She’s young, it wouldn’t hurt her.

Masha, stop calling out the door that it’s alright if Nina falls in a ditch.

ACT 2 SCENE 1 (p. 38)
MASHA: I didn’t wish it on her I just thought … well, if you were going to drive her to her door, why didn’t you drop her off first, when you and I were in the car … and now … you’re going out on a second trip.

Masha, I just drove back here first, not thinking. What are you afraid of? Do you want to drive with me, as I drive Nina to her door?

ACT 2 SCENE 1 (p. 38)
MASHA: No. Certainly not. And I’m not afraid of anything. Just don’t be long.

Alright, I’ll see you in a bit.

ACT 2 SCENE 1 (p. 38)
Alright, darling.

Don’t wait up.

ACT 2 SCENE 1 (p. 42)
MASHA: Is that the car? Does it mean he’s come back?

Oh you’re all up. Hi.

ACT 2 SCENE 1 (p. 42)
MASHA: Spike, darling!
Oh, I’m so glad to see you! I was afraid you’d be longer!
Now, I’m not needy. I’m just glad to see you.

Well, it’s nice to be wanted.

ACT 2 SCENE 1 (p. 42)
MASHA: Oh, you are, darling. Come, let’s go to bed. I’m exhausted. I want to forget that horrible party and this stressful day, and sleep in … ecstasy.

Ecstasy.
Well, I’ll try …

ACT 2 SCENE 2 (p. 45)
VANYA: Wait, I need coffee, do you both want some?

Yeah, man, that’d be good.

ACT 2 SCENE 2 (p. 46)
MASHA: Aaaaaaaagghhhhhh!

What are you two so happy about?

ACT 2 SCENE 2 (p. 46)
VANYA: Nothing.

What’s behind your back?

ACT 2 SCENE 2 (p. 46)
CASSANDRA: God! A bat! Look out!

What bat?

ACT 2 SCENE 2 (p. 46)
CASSANDRA: It must have flown upstairs.

I hope Masha doesn’t see it. She’s already hysterical about whatever these weird pin-prick things are.

ACT 2 SCENE 2 (p. 47)

CASSANDRA: Oh, she’s having trouble with pricks? Women often do.

Ha, ha.
Is the coffee ready?

ACT 2 SCENE 2 (p. 47)
MASHA: Is the coffee not ready? I need to call Hootie Pie this morning, and I really need my coffee first. And Spike, darling, you forgot your running shorts. You can’t go running in the neighborhood in your underwear.

Oh, right.

ACT 2 SCENE 2 (p. 48)
SONIA: Alright.

You know, I think I’m going to go for my run.

ACT 2 SCENE 2 (p. 48)
MASHA: Isn’t he handsome?

I don’t think I want the T-shirt. Feel freer without it.
Here, hold this for me, would you? See you later.

ACT 2 SCENE 3 (p. 50)
NINA: Uncle Vanya? Uncle Vanya?
Uncle Vanya? I’m here.

Oh, it’s Nina. How’s it hangin’?

ACT 2 SCENE 3 (p. 50)
NINA: Oh, hello. I’m looking for Vanya. I was going to read the play he’s written.

Oh, he’s written a play? Is there a part for a handsome young man?

ACT 2 SCENE 3 (p. 50)
NINA: I haven’t read it yet. My, you are in very good condition. I congratulate you.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, I figure if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

ACT 2 SCENE 3 (p. 50)
NINA: Oh. I’m still working on projection and interpretation. I guess flaunting will come later.

Yeah ‘cause you never know when your big break will happen. Look at Jersey Shore.

ACT 2 SCENE 3 (p. 50)
NINA: Oh I don’t want to. I like Ingmar Bergman and the Merchant Ivory films. I just saw Smiles of a Summer Night, it’s beautiful. Have you ever seen it?

I don’t think so. Who’s in it?

ACT 2 SCENE 3 (p. 50)
NINA: Gunnar Björnstrand, Eva Dahlbeck, and Ulla Jacobsson.

Ah. I’ll have to miss it sometime.

ACT 2 SCENE 3 (p. 50)
VANYA: Nina, I thought I heard you down here.

Where’s my T-shirt?

ACT 2 SCENE 3 (p. 50)
VANYA: Masha took it upstairs. She’s in the third floor bedroom.

Oh, I’ll go see her.

ACT 2 SCENE 3 (p. 50)
VANYA: She said she was getting a very strong headache…

Okay, I won’t expect her to put out. Catch you later.

ACT 2 SCENE 4 (p. 55)
SONIA: Vanya, dear, we want to hear it.

Yeah, sounds interesting.

ACT 2 SCENE 4 (p. 56)
VANYA: We are molecules but we’re remembering the past, and mourning its end.

I don’t understand this play!!!

ACT 2 SCENE 4 (p. 56)
VANYA: I miss boring chores whcih in retrospect seem wonderful. Putting dishes away. Making a list of things to do. Licking the mail, and driving to town to …

“Licking the male”!
That’s kind of raunchy, old man.

ACT 2 SCENE 4 (p. 57)
VANYA: Licking the mail one is about to bring to the post office. Letters one has written. Licking the stamp that goes on the letter.

Licking the stamp?

ACT 2 SCENE 4 (p. 57)
VANYA: Excuse me. What are you doing? It’s very rude.

I’m still listening. I can multitask. I can drive and text, or watch a move and tweet.

ACT 2 SCENE 4 (p. 57)
VANYA: You can multitask, how wonderful. You can tweet. You twitter and tweet, you email and text, your life is abuzz with electrical communication.
I know older people always think the past was better, but really — instead of a text with all these lower case letters, and no punctuation, what about a nicely crafted letter, sent through the post office? Or a thank you note.

Yeah, yeah, it was real elegant back then, I get it. You had to wait five days for a letter, but it was real nice. Time marches on, dude.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 59)

…As a child I thought to myself, this must be what eternity feels like. And yet that’s a good concept for a child to have.

I thought you were talking about things you liked in the past.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 61)

VANYA: …And you come in here and say you almost had a part on Entourage 2 as if it’s an achievement of some kind. And I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m worried about the future. I miss the past. I don’t know why I exploded. Sorry.

Wow, what’s up with him? That was a major flip out.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 61)

NINA: Can I come?

You come from a crazy family.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 61)

MASHA: You come from a family who taught you no manners. Why did you find it necessary to text during Vanya’s play?

Well he didn’t have to go nuts about it.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 62)

MASHA: What were you texting for God’s sake?

“I’ll meet you at the airport at 8 A.M. Tuesday. Love you.”

It’s my cousin. I’m bringing her to the airport.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 62)

MASHA: I didn’t realize Hootie Pie was tour cousin.

She’s not. Hootie Pie and I… are in love.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 62)

CASSANDRA: And Hootie Pie shall be called Spawn of the Devil.

Does she have to stay here?

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 62)

CASSANDRA: Thank you. Suddenly I like you.

Alright then. On Tuesday morning Hootie and I will be flying to Aruba for two weeks. And then we’re renting an apartment together. I was going to tell you on Monday.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 62)

MASHA: Well you’ve told me today. Cassandra, please call a taxi for Spike. I want him to get on an uncomfortable bus and go back to New York and be out of my life.

I was gonna tell you. I didn’t want to ruin your weekend.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 62)

MASHA: Well that’s just so thoughtful of you, thank you. And how good to know how loyal and helpful Hootie/Spawn of the Devil has been. Was she ever going to tell me she was quitting?

She was going to send you an email.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 62)

MASHA: An email. How classy.

She was afraid to tell you in person.

MASHA: I appreciate it. Thank you very much.

Goodbye, Spike. It was fun, sort of, have a good life, I’ve been a fool, so long. Now please go get your things and go with Cassandra and be banished to a bus.

I’m sorry if I hurt you.

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 63)

MASHA: I’m sorry if you hurt me too. But you may not have. I notice my headache is gone.

May I kiss you?

(ACT 2 SCENE 4 p. 63)

MASHA: No.

…May I shake hands?