Charlie Brown Christmas Lucy Lines

Patty: Try to get snowflakes on your tongue. It’s fun.

Mm. Needs sugar. Its’s too early. I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January.

Linus: They sure look ripe to me.

You think you’re so smart with that blanket. What are you going to do with it when you grow up?

Schroeder: I think you have a customer.

May I help you?

Charlie Brown: I’m in sad shape

Wait a minute. Before you begin, I must ask, that you pay in advance. Five cents, please. Boy, what a sound. How I love hearing that old money plate, that beautiful sound of cold, hard cash - that beautiful, beautiful sound. Nickels, nickels, nickels. That beautiful sound of plunking nickels. All right, now, what seems to be your trouble?

Charlie Brown: I feel depressed. I know I should be happy, but I’m not.

Well, as they say on TV, the mere fact that you realize you need help indicates that you are not too far gone. I think we’d better pinpoint your fears. If we can find out what you’re afraid of, we can label it. Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia.

Charlie Brown: I don’t think that’s quite it.

How about cats? If you’re afraid of cats, you have ailurophasia.

Charlie Brown: Well, sort of, but I’m not sure.

Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you have climacophobia. Maybe you have thalassophobia. This is the fear of the ocean, or gephyrobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges. Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?

Charlie Brown: What’s pantophobia?

The fear of everything.

Charlie Brown: That’s it! Actually Lucy, my trouble is Christmas. I just don’t understand it. Instead of feeling happy, I feel sort of let down.

You need involvement. You need to get involved in some real Christmas project. How would you like to be the director of our Christmas play?

Charlie Brown: Me? You want me be the director of the Christmas play?

Sure, Charlie Brown. We need a director. You need involvement. We’ve got a shepherd, musicians, animals, everyone we need. We’ve even got a Christmas Queen.

Charlie Brown: I don’t know anything about directing a Christmas play.

Don’t worry. I’ll be there to help you. I’ll meet you at the auditorium. Incidentally, I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys or a bicycle or clothes or something like that.

Charlie Brown: What is it you want?

Real estate.

(Linus and Lucy dance ends)

All right, quiet, everybody. Our director will be here any minute and we’ll start rehearsal.

Patty: Director? What Director?

Charlie Brown.

Patty: This will be the worst Christmas play ever.

Here he comes! Attention, everyone! Here’s our director.

Charlie Brown: All right, now. We’re going to do this play and we’re going to do it right. Lucy, get those costumes and scripts, and pass ‘em out. Now, the script girl will be handing out your parts.

You’re the innkeeper’s wife.

Frieda: Did innkeeper’s Wives have naturally curly hair?

Pig Pen, you’re the innkeeper.

Pig Pen: In spite of my outward appearance, I shall try to run a neat inn.

Shermy, you’re a shepherd.

Shermy: Every Christmas it’s the same. I always end up playing a shepherd.

Snoopy, you’ll have to be all the animals in our play. Can you be a sheep?

Snoopy: Baaaaa!

How about a cow?

Snoopy: Mooooo!

How about a penguin? Yes, he’s even a good penguin. No, no no! You’ve got to take direction. You’ve got to have discipline! You’ve got to have respect for your director! I ought to slug you! Ugh! I’ve been kissed by a dog! I have dog germs! Get hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine!

Charlie Brown: All right, all right, script girl. Continue with the scripts.

Linus, you’ve got to get rid of that stupid blanket. And here, memorize these lines.

Linus: I can’t memorize these lines. This is ridiculous

Memorize it and be ready to recite when your cue comes.

Linus: I can’t memorze something like this so quickly. Why should I be put through such agony? Give me one good reason why I should memorize this….

I’ll give you for good reasons. One, two, three, four, five.

Linus: Those are good reasons. Chrismas is not only getting too commerical, it’s getting too dangerous.

And get rid of that stupid blanket! What’s a Christmas shepherd going to look like holding a stupid blanket like that?

Linus: Well, this is one Christmas shepherd who’s going to keep his trusty blanket with him. You wouldn’t hit an innocent shepherd, would you?

Okay, Mr. Director. The cast is set. Take over.

Sally: Isn’t he the cutest thing? He has the nicest sense of humor.

Lunch break! Lunch break!

Charlie Brown: Lunch break? All right, now. There’s no time for foolishness. We’ve got to get on with our play.

That’s right. What about my part? What about the Christmas Queen? Hmm? Are you going to let all this beauty go to waste? You do think I’m beautiful, don’t you, Charlie Brown? You didn’t answer me right away. You had to think about it first, didn’t you? If you really had thought I was beautiful, you would have spoken right up. I know when I’ve been insulted. I know when I’ve been insulted!

Charlie Brown: Cut! Cut! No, no no! We have to practice! Stop!

Charlie Brown, isn’t it a great play?

Charlie Brown: That does it. Nowm look. If we’re ever going to get this play off the ground, we’ve got to have some cooperation.

What’s the matter Charlie Brown? Don’t you think it’s great?

Charlie Brown: It’s all wrong.

Look, Charlie. Let’s face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commerical racket. It’s run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.

Charlie Brown: Well this is one play that’s not going to be commercial.

Look, Charlie Brown. What do you want?

Charlie Brown: The propert mood. We need a Christmas tree.

Hey, perhaps a tree. A great, big, shiny aluminium Christmas tree. That’s it, Charlie Brown. You get the tree. I’ll handle this crowd.

Charlie Brown: Okay. I’ll take LInus with me. The rest of you, practice your lines.

Get the biggest aluminium tree you can find, Charlie Brown. Maybe paint it pink.

Schroeder: This is the music I’ve selected for the Christmas play. (OR just the end of the tree finding scene)

What kind of Christmas music is that?

Schroeder: Beethoven Christmas music.

What has Beethoven got to do with Christmas? Everyone talks about how great Beethoven was. Beethoven wasn’t so great.

Schroeder: What do you mean Beethoven wasn’t so great?

He never got his picture on bubble gum cards, did he? Have you ever seen his picture on a bubble gum card? Hmm? How can you say someone is great who’s never had his picture on bubble gum cards?

Schroeder: Good grief.

Say, by the way, can you play “Jingle Bells”? No, no. I mean “Jingle Bells”. You know, deck them halls and all that stuff. No, no. You don’t get it at all. I mean “Jingle Bells”. You know, Satna Claus and ho, ho, ho and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls. That’s it!

Patty: What kind of a tree is that?

You were supposed to get a good tree. Can’t you even tell a good tree from a poor tree?

Charlie Brown: Rats.

You’ve been dumb before, Charlie Brown. But this time, you really did it. What a tree!

(After everyone decorates the tree)

Charlie Brown is a blockhead, but he did get a nice tree.

Charlie Brown: What’s going on here?

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!