Line Memorization

Opening Line

Hello and welcome to the Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon!

…. kick some iron!! AAAAAHHHH!

What we’re gonna do here today—

Who’s the toughtest of them all?!

Can you stop please?

Let go! LET IT GOOOOOO!

Okay. Stop. We’re not doing that.

Flames! Flames!

Daniel, you’re doing it again. What did we talk about?

About now being awesome?

This-is the brothers grimm spectaculathon!

…blow your mind.

If you need to go to the bathroom, we’ll wait, we don’t want accidents.

keep an eye on that one

A little background to begin.

…wrote 209 fairytales that we know today—

they didnt write them

…spit on their corpses.

O-kay. What we’re gonna do for you right now is return these fairy tales back to their original glory. We have assembled the greatest troupe of actors the world has ever seen and—

No.

Anyway, in the short time we have, our crack team of actors is going to perform all 209 fairytales of the brothers grimm.

Thats like three stories per minute.

Or a different number if you know math! And we’re gonna keep the original endings intact!

People being cut open with scissors!

And to make things more difficult we’re gonna perform them as originally intended, which is…

…super mega juicy story

Are you ready?!?

Excuse me then.

Well, I don’t know when he’ll be back.

So once upon a time…

there was a girl who was raised by wolves and whose mother died in childbirth, and she abandoned by her father who could spin straw into gold and made a deal with a series of elves if they would help him make shoes. There was also a talking fox in there somewhere.

And she was beautiful

Because no one cares about ugly people.

Anyway, there was a girl.

Dirt Poor.

She couldn’t even afford dirt.

Very well!

It was a good day for the girl. She fell in love with a prince.

Score!

She grew very rich.

Ha Ha. Score!

And she conceived a child.

when a prince and princess love each other very much—

Through magic! Magic of the devil! And thats where babies come from.

I’m gonna be over here

The miracle of childbirth.

…when you fall in love at first sight.

And just then…

Rumpelstiltskin.

And the little man stomped his feet so hard they broke through the floor, and when they tried to pull him out, he broke in half.

I get my foot caught and break in half trying to get it out?

Yep.

And they lived happily ever after.

But our story is not even remotely finished.

rapunzun’s mother

You might be familiar with her mother.

I remember.

Our next story: Hansel. And. Gretel. Or: The original horror movie.

…where its dark and scary.

Can we get some cool lighting effects please?

Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. When i point to you I want you to make a scary horror movie music sound like this.

CH-AH-CH-AH

Now, when i point to you like this, I want you to say, “Don’t go in there!”. Lets try that.

Finally, no good horror movie is complete without without heavy breathing like this:

---

You try it.

And back with our story.

YOU WENT IN!!! WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Let’s take it down a notch, all right?

THATS ALL SHE’S DOING!!!!

So Hansel and Gretel stayed with the witch and ate and ate…

DUMB!

And they got fatter and fatter—and the witch was very nice to them.

Ding Dong the witch is dead!

Wrong story!

I get so confused.

So they made it. But the horror wasn’t over. Because early childhood trauma can affect a lot of fairytale heroes. And Hansel…well…let’s just say he developed a problem.

Let me show you.

And he jumped off a cliff.

I can fly! Maybe

It’s up to you audience! If you clap hard enough, Hansel will live. Come on people!

Come one people! Let me live!

Come one don’t you believe a boy can fly?!?! Come on!

Come on you can do it!

AHHHHHHHHHHH

You didn’t clap hard enough. He died. You know… I’ve done this show a lot. And every time the audience clapped hard enough to let Hansel live. Every time. I just don’t know what to say.

Don’t talk to me.

Hansel?

He’s in a better place now Gretel. Where his stupidity can’t hurt him anymore.

Canada?

If you want it to be Canada.

Anyway!, After Hansel’s untimely death, thank you very much Mr. Judge. She married a wandering woodcutter. And they had a daughter who would grow up to make a deal with several supernatural entities who would eventually imprison her daughter in a tower.

But.

There’s always a but.

One question remains.

Where did the witch come from?

I prefer little person.

In fact two dwarves.

I prefer dwarf.

And these dwarves worked all day in the mines.

I’ve been working on the railroad—

Mines!

Whistle while you work—

We can’t use that song.

I do what I want.

No, its like copyrighted. We can’t use it. The Mouse will sue us. So the dwarves worked in the mines, sang their little song, and then one day came home to find—

She’s going to eat me!

You see, in those days, most people were cannibals. Which explains the witch from before. The first dwarf, though, who we will name, Slappy, wasn’t afraid.

…noticing that you’re in my bed—

Whoa! this is a children’s story!

So I’m gonna chop you up and eat you.

Time out. Time out. Put away the hot sauce.

What? I’m just doing what my character wants.

You do not get to eat Snow White. You’re not the villain of the story.

He hates the world! He just hates it!—

He does not!

…sleeps in his bed…dinner time.

No. We are going to do this story as written! Snow White cleans the house for the seven dwarves, then she gets poisoned by an apple, then a prince shows up and falls in love with her because she’s unconscious and can’t talk back.

Maybe this fairy tale is a little antiquated.

This is a classic! What girl out there didn’t want to be a housemaid to seven freaky bearded dudes and the have no say in who she was gonna marry?

…how do you say, bad?

They’re beautiful!

…Lean Lisa.

Never heard of it.

And she died. The end.

Seriously? That’s what it says?

Right here.

Wow. That story’s awful.

A new way of putting them together.

Fine. I don’t care anymore. Whatever. I’m sure this dwarf is gonna do a better job than me. Go ahead take my place.

Sounds good.

Wait, I didn’t—

…swore revenge at the upworlders.

Curse you up-worlders!

…girl sleeping in their bed

Hey look! A giant hottie!

She’s gonna eat me run for it!

Hold on dwarf number two. I’m tired of running. I’m tired of being a supporting character. This is my time. You see, I happen to be quite brilliant and I know for a fact that this giant hottie has fallen under a curse to sleep for a hundred years.

I thought that was the sleeping beauty story.

From my perspective they all look the same. And the only way for this giant hottie to wake up is to receive a kiss from her true love. Me.

…without getting active consent?

What are you doing?

Just preparing my police report.

Fine.

HEY. GIANT HOTTIE. IS IT COOL IF I KISS YOU TO WAKE YOU UP FROM YOUR COMA?

Sure dwarf one. I would like that.

That was you!

Well how am I supposed to—?

…air hug from a six-foot distance?

Fine.

Oh. You’re not what I was expecting.

I’m better baby. I’m the mighty dwarf Slappy and I have rescued you from the evil curse that was—

…I wasn’t under a curse—

Forcing you to sleep for a hundred years. I am your true love.

Showtime.

All right then.

…that snow white was supposed to do in the story. The end.

That was enlightened.

There aren’t many career options for me.

But the true secret origin here is of dwarf number two.

Faithful Johannes

Never heard of it.

…magic raven says stuff to you, you better listen.

Okay, that was mildly traumatic but not super traumatic.

Yeah

All right, one last one. Once upon a time—

Just hold on

What is it?

So like everybody is throwing up back there.

Excuse me.

Peck. Peck. Peck.

However.

I don’t think so.

BUT—

Thats just the beginning.

Exactly

Thats not very nice.

Eh. What can you do? Well, We’re out of time—

…lighting round recap.

It is?

…In two minutes ready?

I was born ready.

…And GO!

Cinderella got pregnant—

Heavens!

After they were married.

Fine!

And everybody lived happily. ever. after.

You’ll find out

The. End.