glenn

Cue line: Ernie- Nobody getting that door?... These kids are up to something, I know it.

Ernie- Hello.

Good evening.

Ernie- No. Everyone's here. They're just - spread out a little.

Could I have a drink, please? Double Scotch, straight up.

Ernie- Sure. Fine. I don't believe we've met. I'm Ernie Cusack.

(cooly nods) Hello, Ernie.

Ernie- Excuse my hands. Little accident in the kitchen.

Sorry to hear it.

Ernie- I would stay & chat but my wife is bleeding in the kitchen.

Your wife?

Ernie- Cookie. A water pitcher broke, cut her arm. I burned my fingers.

That's a shame.

Ernie- Nothing to worry about. We'll have dinner ready soon. Nice meeting you both.

I wonder why they're not using the Chinese girl?

Cassie- Do I look alright?

Yes. Fine.

Cassie- I feel so frumpy.

God, no. You look beautiful.

Cassie- My hair isn't right, is it? I saw you looking at it in the car.

No, I wasn't.

Cassie- What were you looking at then?

The road, I suppose.

Cassie- I can always tell when you hate what I'm wearing.

I love that dress. I always have.

Cassie- This is the first time I've worn it.

I always have admired your taste is what I meant.

Cassie- It's so hard to please you sometimes.

What did I say?

Cassie- It's what you don't say that really drives me crazy.

What I don't say? ... How can it drive you crazy if I don't say it?

Cassie- I don't know. It's the looks that you give me.

I wasn't giving you any looks.

Cassie- You look at me all the time.

Because you're always asking me to look at you.

Cassie- It would be nice if I didn't have to ask you, wouldn't it?

It would be nice if you didn't need me to look, which would make it unnecessary to ask.

Cassie- I can't ever get any support from you. You've got all the time in the world for everything & everyone else, but I've got to draw blood to get your attention when I walk in a room.

We walked in the room together. It was already done. Cassie, please don't start. We're forty-five minutes late as it is. I don't want to ruin this night for Charlie & Myra.

Cassie- We're forty-five minutes late because you scowled at every dress I tried on.

I didn't scowl, I smiled. You always think my smile looks like a scowl. You think my grin looks like a frown, & my frown looks like a yawn.

Cassie- Don't sneer at me.

It wasn't a sneer. It was a peeve.

Cassie- God, this conversation is so banal. I can't believe any of the things I'm saying. We sound like some dumb TV couple.

Oh, now we're going to get into language, right?

Cassie- No, Mr. Perfect. I will not get into any language. I don't want to risk a scowl, a frown, a yawn, a peeve or a sneer. God forbid I should show a human imperfection, I'd wake up with divorce papers in my hand.

What is this thing lately with divorce? Where does that come from? I don't look at you sometimes because I'm afraid you're thinking you don't like the way I'm looking at you.

Cassie- I don't know what the hell you want from me, Glenn. I really don't.

I don't want anything from you. I mean I would like it to be the way we were before we got to be the way we are.

Cassie- God, you suffocate me sometimes ... I want to go home.

Go home? We just got here. We haven't even seen anyone yet.

Cassie- I don't know how I'm going to get through this night. They all know what's going on. They're your friends. Jesus, and you expect me to behave like nothing's happening.

Nothing is happening. What are you talking about?

Cassie- Don't you lie to me. The whole city knows about you and that cheap little chippy bimbo.

Will you keep it down? Nothing is going on. You're blowing this up out of all proportions. I hardly know the woman. She's on the Democratic Fund Raising Committee. I met her and her husband at two cocktail parties, for god sakes.

Cassie- Two cocktail parties, heh?

Yes! Two cocktail parties.

Cassie- You think I'm stupid?

No.

Cassie- You think I'm blind?

No.

Cassie- You think I don't know what's going on?

Yes, because you don't.

Cassie- I'm going to tell you something, Glenn. Are you listening?

Don't you see my ears perking up?

Cassie- I've known about you and Carole Newman for a year now.

Amazing, since I only met her four months ago. Now I'm asking you to please lower your voice. That butler must be listening to everything.

Cassie- You think I care about a butler and a bleeding cook? My friends know about your bimbo x, what do I care about domestic help?

I don't know what's gotten into you, Cassie. Do my political ambitions bother you? Are you threatened somehow because I'm running for the Senate?

Cassie- State Senate! State Senate! Don't make it sound like we're going to Washington. We're going to Albany. Twenty-three degrees below zero in the middle of winter Albany. You're not Time's Man of the year yet, you understand, honey.

(turning away) Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Cassie- What was that?

(Deliberately) oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Cassie- Oh, like I'm behaving badly, right? I'm the shrew witch wife who's giving you such a hard time. I'll tell you something, Mr. State Senator. I'm not the only one who knows what's going on. People are talking, kiddo. Trust me.

What do you mean? You haven't said anything to anyone, have you?

Cassie- Oh, is that what you're worried about? Your reputation? Your career? Your place in American history? You know what your place in American history will be? ... A commemorative stamp of you and the bimbo in a motel together.

You are so hyper tonight, Cassie. You're out of control. You've been rubbing your quartz crystal again, haven't you? I told you to throw those damn crystals away. They're dangerous. They're like petrified cocaine. (Cassie looking through her purse) ... Don't take it out, Cassie. Don't rub your crystal at the party. It makes you crazy. (She takes out the crystal, He grabs for it) Put it away. Don't let my friends see what you're doing.

Lenny- Not you, Ken. It's Glenn & Cassie.

(big smile) We're fine. Just great. Hi, Len ... Cassie, it's Len ... Cassie.

Lenny- Did it suddenly freeze up out there?

Freeze up?

Lenny- Isn't that an icicle Cassie has there?

No. It's a quartz crystal.

Lenny- Who let you in?

The butler.

Lenny- The butler? The butler's here?

He's getting us drinks.

Lenny- Is he alone?

No, the cook's with him.

Lenny- Mai Li? God, what a relief. They came back. We didn't have any help here for a while.

Really? Where's Charley & Myra?

Ken- Lenny? ... Lenny, where'd you go?

Ken? Hi. It's Glenn & Cassie.

Ken- Lenny? Is that you? Who's that? Glenn? Is that Glenn?

Yes. And Cassie. I hear you have a cold.

Ken- You think I look old? I haven't been sleeping well lately ... Hi Cassie. Do the others know you're here?

Yes. We just saw Lenny.

Ken- Have you seen Lenny?

Yes. He went into Charley's room.

Ken- I'm sorry. I can't hear anything. A manhole cover blew up next to my ear.

That's terrible.

Ken- I said, "A manhole cover blew up next to my ear."

Yes. I hear you.

Ken- I'm sorry. I can't hear you. Anyone getting you a drink?

Yes, the butler.

Cassie- I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

Chris- Hi Glenn.

Hi. Listen, is anything going on here?

Chris- I don't know ... Who have you seen?

Well, Lenny & Ken for just a second. And the butler and Mai Li.

Claire- ... Where are the boys?

Well, Lenny and Ken are up with Charley and Myra. Myra sounded very excited.

Claire- You spoke to Myra?

No. I heard her talk to Ken and Len.

Claire- You're kidding. Where's Ernie and Cookie.

I just met Ernie. Isn't he the butler?

Chris- Oh. No. Okay. We've got that one cleared up.

Then they're just back from the Orient?

Chris- I imagine so. You're so well informed.

Why is everyone up in Charley's room?

Lenny- Well this is beginning to look like a party.

What were you all watching up there?

Lenny- Up where?

On TV.

Lenny- Yes. The thing on Hitler.

On their tenth anniversary you wanted to watch a special on Hitler?

Ernie- Dinner's coming along. Double Scotch, straight up.

Oh, thanks.

Lenny- I'll be right back.

Listen, I'm sorry. I mistook you for the butler.

Ernie- I kind of thought you did. No, I'm an analyst.

Oh, for pete's sakes. I'm Glenn ... How's your wife doing?

Ernie- The spaghetti's boiling, but the duck is still frozen.

No, I meant her arm.

Ernie- Oh, not too bad. She's a trouper. Her fingers are cramping up a little.

Maybe she ought to see a doctor. Charley has one ten minutes from here, Dr. Dudley.

No, about Lenny's neck.

Lenny's neck?

Ernie- Isn't that incredible? From a can of shaving cream exploding?

I thought it was a manhole cover.

Lenny- I got 'em. I got 'em.

There certainly is some excitement around here.

Ernie- Wait a minute! Glenn Cooper! From Poughkeepsie. You're running for the State Senate.

That's right.

Ernie- I have a good friend who knows you very well.

Really? Who's that?

Claire- Harold Green?

Sure. I know Harold Green. We went to the University of Pennsylvania together. I haven't seen him in years. What's he doing now?

Lenny- He's a proxy new social member who just eats lunches and doesn't play tennis.

Oh. At your club?

Ken- Somebody! Please! I need a drink real bad.

How's your ears, Ken?

Ken- A beer would be fine, thanks.

Maybe Charley has some ear drips. (To Lenny.) Did you see any in the medicine cabinet when you were getting the bandages?

Lenny- No, I didn't think of that.

I'll go up and look. (He starts up the stairs but Lenny & Ken block him)

Ken- I just heard a cat meow. (telephone rings again.) There it is again.

That's the phone, Ken.

Claire- This is going to be good.

Joan? That's Cassie's cousin. Wait I'll get Cassie. I'm sure she'll want to speak to her. (He knocks on the powder room door.) Cassie?

Lenny- Hello, Joanie. It's Lenny. How are you? ... Yes, everybody's here ... Yes, we're having a great time ...

Cassie?

Lenny- Will you speak to her!! (Shoves the phone at Claire)

(Knocking on the powder room door.) Cassie? It's your cousin Joan from Venezuela.

Claire- (Dumping the phone in Chris's lap.) I've done my part. I'm not the Red Cross.

(Knocking on the powder room door.) Cassie? It's Joan and Harry. Don't you want to speak to them?

Chris- (Into phone.) Joan? Hi, sweetheart. How's Venezuela? ... No, it's Chris. You sent a gift? A crystal vase from Steuben's? Gee, I think it's broken. Wait, Myra will tell you about it.

(Still knocking.) Cassie are you alright?

Chris- (Into phone.) Joan? This connection is bad. I think I'm losing you.

(Banging on the bathroom door.) Cassie, will you hurry up! We're losing the connection! Come on, will you!!

Cassie- Who did that? Who banged on the door?

I did. Your cousin Joan is on the phone from Venezuela.

Cassie- (To Glenn.) Don't just stand there, idiot, get my crystal.

Hey, just cool it, Cassie, okay?

Act II

biiiiitch

Ken- (Panicky.) What was that?

It was you, Ken. It was your fork scraping the plate.

Ken- (To Glenn.) You're fading out again, Glenn.

That wasn't me, Ken. That was Chris.

Ken- No. No cigarettes.

(Crossing to Lenny at the love seat.) I still can't get over it. I find the entire story so hard to believe.

Lenny- He finds the story hard to believe. Because we acted our asses off to keep the truth from you.

Myra is gone?

Lenny- Right.

The servants are gone?

Lenny- Right.

Charley shoots himself in the earlobe?

Lenny- Right.

It doesn't make any sense.

Cookie- That's right. You did.

So you weren't really watching Hitler on PBS?

Lenny- No we stopped everything to watch "The Rise & Fall of Adolf Hitler" ... I don't believe you people.

It sounded so real, I believed it.

Ernie- (To Cassie.) What about you, Mrs. Cooper? (To Glenn.) What's her name?

Cassie.

Ernie- What do you mean? What does she mean?

You have to forgive her, she's still very upset about losing her crystal.