Ch. 11- Conflict Resolution

Conflict

Disagreement between/among connected individuals who perceive their goals as incompatible

- Interdependency (need one for the other to occur)

- Goals are incompatible

- Each perceives the other as interfering with their goals

Myths about Conflicts (5)

- Must be avoided

- Signals a troubled relationship

- Damages a relationship

- Reveals a negative side

- There has to be a winner and loser

Having conflicts is healthy, it's about how you respond to the conflict

Interpersonal Conflicts (6)

- Intimacy issues (quality time, sex)

- Possessiveness/lack of equality

- Personal flaws (drinking/smoking)

- Personal distance (military, job commitments)

- Social issues (personal values, ex: politics)

- Distrust issues (previous lovers/lying)

Workplace Conflicts (5)

- Personality differences and resulting clashes

- Ineffective leadership

- Lack of openness

- Physical and emotional stress

- Differences of values and resulting clashes

Social Allergen Conflicts

A personal habit of a friend/romantic partner that. you find annoying, unpleasant, distasteful, impolite, inconsiderate, uncouth, or just bothersome

Ex: not tipping enough at restaurants

Negative Effects of Conflict (7)

- Increased negative feelings

- Unfair fighting methods

- Unproductive conflict strategies

- Barriers to intimacy

- Resentment

- Prevents meaningful comm

- Hurting the other person

Positive Effects of Conflict (5)

- Productive strategies that can strengthen bond

- Find workable solutions

- Discover win-win solutions

- Resolving conflicts indicates the relationship is worth it

- Learn about yourself and others

Consequences

- Competing: I win, you lose

- Avoid: I lose, you lose

- Accommodating: I lose, you win

- Collaborating, I win, you win

- Compromise: I win and lose, you win and lose

Aim for last two

Stages of Conflict Management

1. set the stage

2. define the conflict

3. identify your goals

4. identify and evaluate your choices

5. act on the selected choice

6. evaluate the choice

7. wrap it up

Stage 1: Set the stage

- Fight in private, not public and offline

- Be ready for the conflict

Stage 2: Describe the problem

Be specific

Focus on the present, avoid mind reading and bringing up old issues

Stage 3: Identify your goals

What do you want to accomplish?

Stage 4: Identify and evaluate your choices

Brainstorm solutions

Consider choices that allows both parties to win

Stage 5: Act on the selected choice

Put the choice into operation, may be temporary

Stage 6: Evaluate the choice

Evaluate the choice once it's put into operation

Stage 7: Wrap it up

See the response of the choice

Hats

- The fact hat: relies on facts and figures

- The feeling hat: focuses on emotions

- The negative argument hat: play devil's advocates

- The positive benefits hat: look at the upsides of the choice

- The create new idea hat: generating new ideas

- The control of thinking hat: helps to analyze and reflect on your decision

Conflict Resolution Strategies influenced by... (5)

- Your goals

- Emotional state

- Cognitive assessment of the situation

- Personality/comm competence

- Family history

Avoidance (5)

- Leaving the scene of the conflict

- Blasting TV or stereo

- Falling asleep

- Non-negotiation/refusal to talk about it

- Silencers (crying, extreme emotions, "I'm not feeling well"

Fighting Actively (5)

- Face attacking: attacking a person's positive or negative face

- Face enhancing: providing support

- Beltlining: hitting "below the belt" with insults

- Verbal aggressiveness

- Argumentativeness

Cultivating argumentativeness (6)

Should be cultivated rather than avoided

- Treat disagreements objectively

- Attack the argument, not the person

- Reaffirm the other person's sense of competence

- Stress equality

- Remain dispassionate (not too much emotion)

- Allow the other person to save face