Close relationships

lecture 1 + 2

Eastwick and Finkel 2008 study

before speed dating event, participants rated the importance of a series of characteristics:

• Physical attractiveness

• Earning potential

• Friendliness

– at the end of each date, they rated the person on each of these characteristics

• There was no relationship between what people claimed they wanted and who they wanted to date after the event

Non-verbal signals of romantic interest

– Pronk et al., 2021 → smiling, increased eye contact, pupil dilation 

– karremans and Verwijmeren 2008 → synchronized gestures and mimicking 

– touch on face, neck, torso – less distance 

– matching volume and speed of speech, vocal warmth, relaxed speech

**Interdependence theory  of satisfaction**

• Social exchange theory applied to intimate relationships (Thibaur and Kelley, 1959)

• Rewards = desirable experiences, costs = undesirable relationship experiences

• Rewards and costs can be tangible or intangible / social

• Costs are particularly influential

Investment model for commitment

* High investments may enable couples to weather the inevitable stormy times YET they can also trap people in unhealthy relationships 

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Attachment

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an intimate emotional bond to a particular individual who is see as providing protection, comfort and support 

Attachment theory -- John Bowlby

• Observed infant and caregiver relationships

• Attachment system – form bonds with others, become distressed if they are not there

• The evolutionary function of the attachment system

Secure attachment (Fraley et al., 2011)

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 turns to others when distressed yet believes distress is manageable, more stable and satisfying relationships 

Dismissive avoidant attachment (Frelay et al., 2011)

value independence, avoid seeking support when distressed, expect relationship failure, lack emotional intimacy, higher levels of attraction when interacting with potential romantic alternatives , report sense of relief after break-ups

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Anxious attachment (Frelay et al., 2011)

 hypervigilant about loss and rejection, excessive reliance on others, demanding of closeness and approval, intrusive and overly disclosing, hard time getting over breakups 

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Fearful-avoidant attachment (Frealey et al., 2011)

high anxiety, withdrawal when upset, avoids coping, relatively poor personal and social adjustment, difficulty expressing feelings

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**Responsiveness**

• Personal outcomes: health, well-being, non-defensiveness, intellectual openness

• Relationship outcomes: satisfaction, closeness, trust, commitment, prosocial orientation

Sacrifices in relationships

• Visserman et al., (2019) : how well can we detect a partner’s sacrifices? Only 50% were detected

• Seeing partner’s sacrifices boosts gratitude

• Missed sacrifices leave partner feeling underappreciated afterwards – both partners are less satisfied

• Wood et al., (2010) : feeling grateful benefits people’s health and happiness + benefits the quality and longevity of relationships

Conflict

• Motives, goals , beliefs , opinions or behaviour interfere with those of another

• frequency is what to look out for

• It is not whether couples experience it, but how they approach it

Criticism (conflict patterns, John Gottman)

attacking personality or character rather than arising disagreements by focusing on specific behaviour

Contempt (conflict patterns, John Gottman)

involves tearing down or being insulting towards partner , disrespect and disgust acting superior 

Defensiveness (conflict patterns, John Gottman)

denying responsibility, making excuses or cross-complaining

Stonewalling (conflict patterns, John Gottman)

refusal to respond, withdrawal from conflict and partner 

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What do commitment and self-control each predict?

• Accommodation: inhibit destructive impulses, respond constructively when partner behaves negatively

• Staying faithful: resist attractive alternative partners

• Forgiveness: inhibit the impulse to ruminate about offense

**Predictors of breakup and divorce → Le et al., 2010**

• Meta-analysis of 137 longitudinal studies of dating and married couples

• Commitment, closeness, network support, insecure attachment styles

Durability bias after breakup

• hurt of separation typically shorter than people belief

– well-being as single based on:

• Wanting to be single

• Having high-quality friendships

• Perceived social support

• Family ideology / endorsement of marriage

• Stigma

• Traditional norms