Mrs. Mortar Act One

Ferebant.

Evelyn, what are you doing?

Uh, nothing, Mrs. Mortar.

You’re certainly doing something. It’s very unfortunate that you girls cannot sit quietly with your sewing and drink in the immortal words of the immortal bard. There will never be another. What’s that thing? Who is sewing on that?

It’s a hat for church. You said I couldn’t wear that handkerchief again.

You can’t wear that to church. Not when I chaperone the school.

Might as well throw it away.

Throw it away. If ever you had known the pangs of adversity, as I have known them—-. Do something else with it. Women must learn these tricks. Continue, please.

What’s the matter with you?

We cannot have this. How many people in this room are talking—?

Mrs. Mortar, we have exams tomorrow, We have to—

I cannot allow you to use the sewing and elocution hour to learn what you should have been learning the entire past term.

Excuse me. He’ll make demand of her, and spend hat kiss which is my Heaven to have. Come thou mortal wretch—

You’re talking to an asp. You’re going to die. Try to feel, try. Try again, I’ll give you the cue.

What’s a cue?

A cue is a line given to an actor or actress to remind them of their next speech.

To remind him or her.

With thy sharp teeth this knot intrinsicate.

Did he not mean intrinsic?

Be still. Of life at once untie; poor venomous fool, be angry and dispatch. Peace, peace, dost thou not see my baby at my breast—

Mrs. Mortar, you skipped two lines. Because I would have said, O eastern star, but I couldn’t say it because you—

I never missed a line in my life. Never

Utor, fruor, fungor, potiar and—

Lois, I cannot allow you to interrupt us this way.

Were you ever in the movies, Mrs. Mortar?

I had my offers. It’s a shallow art. Not for me.

He’s coming to your house because he’s your cousin, thats what. A strapless dress—

I want this noise to cease. And I want that silly talk to stop. It is natural that young women should think of young men. But it is not natural until it is proper.

Mrs. Mortar, was Mr. Mortar very handsome?

He was an executive. Well, young lady, where have you been? You were supposed to read Antony. Where have you been?

I took a walk.

Without asking my permission. The result is that I had to read Antony, and I have enough to do. You’ve been most discourteous. And courtesy is breeding and breeding is most to be desired in woman. It’s what every man wants in woman.

We wrote it down last week.

Mary, I am waiting for your explanation. Or I shall most certainly report—

I am sorry, Mrs. Mortar. I went to get you these flowers. I thought you would like them and I didn’t know it would take so long to pick them.

Well, well.

You were telling us last week how much you liked flowers, and I thought that I would bring you some and—

That was very sweet of you, Mary. I always like thoughtfulness. But you must not allow anything to interfere with your classes. Now run along, dear, and get a vase and some water to put my flowers in,

Oh, Antony. Nay, I will take thee too. What, should I stay?

You may put that book away, Peggy. I am sure your family need never worry about your going on the stage.

I don’t want to go on the stage. I want to be a veterinarian.

Well, I certainly hope you won’t read to the animals.

How much longer, O Cataline, are you going to abuse our patience? Now translate it, and for goodness’ sakes try to get it right this time.

As sweet as balm, as soft as air, O Antony—

Come up to my room later and i’ll see if I can fix it for you.

And hereafter we’ll have no more haircutting.

Hello, Mary.

Peggy has been reading Cleopatra for us.

Peggy doesn’t like Cleopatra.

I don’t think she quite appreciates it, but—

Well, I didn’t either. Where’d you get those flowers, Mary?

She picked them for me. It made her a little late to class, but she hear me say I loved flowers, and she went to get them for me. The first wildflowers of the season.

It wasn’t necessary to go so far. There was a bunch exactly like this in the garbage can this morning. Oh!

Oh, I can’t believe it! What a nasty thing to do! Garbage can flowers! And I suppose you have just as fine an excuse for being an hour late to breakfast this morning, and last week— I haven’t wanted to tell you these things before, but—

I’ll tell my grandmother. I’ll tell her how everybody treats me here and the way I get punished for every little thing I do. I’ll tell her, I’ll—

Why, I’d slap her hands!

Ask Martha to phone Joe.

Do you think—? Heart trouble is very serious in a child.

Never played with one in my life.

I was asked to leave the room. It seems that I’m not wanted in the room during the examination. It was a deliberate snub.

I don’t think so.

I say it was a deliberate snub. Isn’t it natural that the child should have me with her? Isn’t it natural that an older woman should be present at a physical examination? Very well, if you are so thick-skinned that you don’t resent these things—

What are you talking about? Why in the name of heaven should you be with her?

I have been to good doctors in my better days. I say it’s customary to have an older woman present.

Tell that to Joe. Maybe he’ll give you a job as duenna for his office.

It was I who saved Delia Lampert’s life the time she had that heart attack in Buffalo, right on the stage without losing a line. Poor Delia! She married Robert Laffonne in London after he found there was no saop with me. Not nine months later he left he and ran away with Eve Cloun, who had made a great hit playing the Infant Phenomenon when she was forty-seven, the British don’t care about age. Delia’s heart attack came afterwards—

Yes. If you’ve seen one heart attack, you’ve seen them all.

So you don’t resent you aunt being snubbed and humiliated?

Oh, Aunt Lily!

Karen is rude to me, and you know it.

I know that she is very kind to you, and—what’s even harder—very patient.

Patient with me? I have worked my fingers to the bone to help you both—

Don’t tell yourself that too often, Aunt Lily; you’ll come to believe it.

I know it’s true. Where could you have gotten a woman of my repuatation to give these children voice lessons, elocution lessons? Patient with me? Here I’ve donated my services—

You are being paid.

That small thing? I used to earn twice that much for one performance.

No wonder the theater’s in trouble. It was very extravegant of them to pay you so much. You’ve never been happy here, Aunt Lily.

Satisfied enough, I guess, for a poor relation.

You don’t like the school or the farm or—

I told you at the beginning you shouldn’t have bought a place like this. Burying yourself on a farm! Meeting no men! You’ll regret it.

We like it here. Aunt Lily, you’ve talked about London for a long time. Would you like to go over?

It’s been twenty years. I shall never live to see it again.

You can go any time you like. We can spare the money now, and it will do you a lot of good. You pick out the boat and I’ll get the passage. Now that’s all fixed. You’ll have a grand time seeing all your old friends, and if you live sensibly I ought to be able to let you have enough to get along.

So you want me to leave?

Aunt Lily, you’ve wanted to go ever since I can remember.

You’re trying to get rid of me.

That’s it. We don’t want you around when we dig up the buried treasure.

So? You’re turning me out? At my age! Nice, grateful girl you are!

How can anybody deal with you? You’re going where you want to go, and we’ll be better off alone. That suits everybody. You complain about the farm, you complain about the school, you complain about Karen, and now you have what you want and you’re still looking for something to complain about.

Please do not raise your voice.

Be glad I don’t do worse.

I’m not going to England. I refuse to let you ship me off any place you like. I shall go back to the stage, I’ll write to my agents tomorrow, and just as soon as they have something for me I’ll be out of here.

The truth is I’d like you to leave soon. We can’t live together, and it doesn’t make any difference whose fault it is.

You wish me to go tonight?

Oh, stop it, Aunt Lily. Go as soon as you’ve found place you like. I’ll put the money in the back for you tomorrow.

You’d think I’d take your money! I’d rather scrub floors first.

You’ll change your mind after the first floor. I’ve done the best I could by you for years, Aunt Lily. Your coming here wasn’t ever thought of as a permenanst arrangement. You knew that. You’ll be happier—

I should have known by this time that the wise thing is to stay out of your way when he’s in the house.

What are you talking about now?

Never mind. I should have known better. You always take your spite out on me.

Spite? Oh, don’t let’s have any more of this today. I’m tired. I’ve been workingf since six o’clock this morning.

Any day he’s in the house is a bad day.

When who is in the house?

Don’t think you’re fooling me, young lady. I wasn’t born yesterday. And I didn’t meet you last month.

I don’t know what you’re talking about. But I do know the amount of disconnected nonsense in your head tires me, and always has. Now go take your nap.

I know what I know. Every time that man comes into this house, you’re in a bad humor. It seems like you just can’t stand the idea of them being together. God knows what you’ll do when they get married. You’re jealous, thats what it is.

I’m very fond of Joe, and you know it.

I don’t know who you’re fond of. I’ve never understood you. You’d better get a beau of your own. That’s what you need. Every woman, no matter what she says, is jealous when another woman gets a husband. You’d just better set you cap for what comes along now—

Aunt Lily, please stop that talk. I had too much of it for too many years. I can’t take any more.

You’ve always had a jealous and possessive nature. Even as a child. If you had a friend, you always got mad if she liked anybody else. That’s what’s happening now. And it’s unnatural. Just as unatural as it can be. I say you need a man of your own, and—

We didn’t mean to. We heard voices and we couldn’t help—

Eavesdropping is something ladies just don’t do.

Go upstairs now. We’ll talk about this later.

You mean to say you’re not going to do anything about that?

You should not be around children.

What exactly does that mean?

This is their home, and things shouldn’t be said in it that they can’t hear. When you’re at your best, you’re not for tender ears.

So now it’s my fault, is it? You’d better start looking at yourself, and not bother so much with me— Good day, Joseph.