THE PAPER BAG BANDIT RIDES AGAIN

DIAMOND DOLLY RHINESTONE - Lines

SLYSKULL: a-choo to you too

what are you up to slyskull?

SLYSKULL: ah. it’s you diamond dolly. eavesdropping?

better believe it. did i hear right? you want to marry that little creampuff clementine?

SLYSKULL: it’s none of your business.

we’re in this game together. share and share alike. don’t you forget it.

SLYSKULL: no one tells sludge slyskull what to do.

diamond dolly rhinestone knows how to protect her interest.

SLYSKULL: yeah?

yeah.

SLYSKULL: you wanna fight?

do you?

TRIGGER: ha ha ha!

ha ha ha!

SLYSKULL: ha ha ha!

ha ha ha! ha ha ha!

TRIGGER: what about me? don’t i get none?

(to audience) what a pinhead

SLYSKULL: i’ll show you

i’ll help.

SLYSKULL: that’s exactly what i mean. i don’t like it one bit.

sure it wasn’t you, panhandle?

PANHANDLE: no way.

trigger?

TRIGGER: nope

wasn’t me

SLYSKULL: it’s time fro the paper bag bandit to be retired.

the law will never stop looking for the paper bag bandit

SLYSKULL: there must be a way. i’ll find a way.

i wonder who’s trying to muscle in on your racket, sludge?

BUZZ: howdy!

howdy, handsome.

PANHANDLE: the sheriff.

well well well. if it isn’t my favorite sheriff, buzz saw.

BUZZ: aw shucks, miss diamond dolly rhinestone. you sure do know how to make a fellow turn red. you’re not only the fastest card dealer in cooked goose, you’re the prettiest gal, next to darlin’ clementine.

you’re so cute.

BUZZ: a-a-a. (puts finger under his nose) thank you, diamond dolly.

glad to help.

BUZZ: anyone see my darlin clementine?

i’m going to get jealous.

SLYSKULL: the easter bunny.

no wonder you’re so successful, sludge. that sheriff is hopeless.

SLYSKULL: why do you think i recommended him to the mayor? i’m the only one who made sure he got the job. ha ha ha.

ha ha ha.

TRIGGER: ha ha ha

ha ha ha

SLYSKULL: all the loot stays safe in the pillow case under my bed.

i knew you were up to something. it’s not just the loot is it?

SLYSKULL: listen and learn

so, teach me

SLYSKULL: i admit at first i enjoyed playing the dashing paper bag bandit. it appeared to my sense of vanity. especially when hedda lettuce showed up. she’s going to make the paper bag bandit a folk hero. but no one will know the paper bag bandit is…me!

you!

SLYSKULL: no. me. if any one of you breathes a word about the bandit’s true identity, you’ll sleep on boot hill.

my lips are sealed.

SLYSKULL: the arizona territory has a lot of possibility. it’ll be a state soon, and i intend to run for governor.

governor!

SLYSKULL: the money i’ve stolen will finance my campaign. there’s only one thing missing. a man running for governor ought to have a wife.

i accept.

SLYSKULL: not you, clementine.

you’re going to marry that airhead?

TRIGGER: all you want!

what if clementine won’t have you?

BUZZ’S VOICE: shucks. that’s what you always say, clementine.

it’s them.

PANHANDLE: what do you know? you do what i tell you and we’ll both be rich.

howdy boys

BOTH: howdy diamond dolly

how about a game of old maid?

BOTH: naw

you have to hand it to slyskull. people will think buzz saw is the paper bag bandit. looks like he’s going to be governor slyskull any day now.

PANHANDLE: shut up

what’s your hurry? hmmmmm. (to audience) those two are up to something. but what?

MAYOR RUTLEDGE: why don’t you entertain with a little something diamond dolly? just til folks get settled.

my pleasure, mayor rutledge. i’ll sing a little something to cool waters.

in a cavern, in a cavern

excavating for a mine

dwelt a miner, forty-niner

and his daughter clementine

oh my darlin, oh my darlin

oh my darlin, clementine

you are lost and gone forever

dreadful sorry, clementine

how he missed her, how he missed her

how he missed his clementine

missed her till he kissed her little sister,

now he don’t miss his clementine

MAYOR RUTLEDGE: that’s enough

that’s no way to treat a canary, mayor rutledge

MADEMOISELLE FUFU: the mademoiselle is right

i wasn’t finished

MRS. VAN PETTIGREW: sit here, my dear. i’m a great patron of the arts.

much obliged

AD LIBS: slyskull’s right. he’s not here. where is he? where’s the sheriff?

obviously he skipped town to escape arrest.

MRS. KIBBLE: the dew drop inn?

Now we know why the sheriff was never able to capture the crook. he didn’t want to.

BUZZ: i’m innocent i tell you

a likely story.

CLEMENTINE: this ring? why, mr. slyskull gave it to me. he said there’s plenty more where this came from.

sludge!

TRIGGER: don’t try to follow us

slyskull, the pillowcases! those idiots have everythingyou stole!

MARTHA: i never would have guessed

why didn’t you go out the back way?

OTHERS: hooray!

why do i always tie up with the losers?