HECOL 210 | Communication & Active listening

Why is communication so critical

Communication is the vehicle through which intimacy develops within a relationship

True or false: intimacy is a characteristic

False, intimacy is a process, rather than a characteristic

Intimacy process model

A framework that defines intimacy as arising from interactions in which person A discloses or expresses self-relevant thoughts and feelings to person B and, based on person B's response, comes to feel understood, validated, and cared for

According to the intimacy process model, intimacy forms when and in visual belives which 3 things

1) The partner understands core aspects of his/her self
2) The partner validates and respects these core aspects of self
3) Partner cares for and is concerned for individuals welfare

What does the development of intimacy start with

Disclosure

How can too much information too soon affect intimacy

It can be off-putting

What impact do dishonest disclosures have on intimacy

They distort our identity and inhibit intimacy

Are factual or emotional disclosures more potent for developing intimacy

Emotional disclosures

What did a 42-day diary study reveal about self-disclosure and partner relationships

Increased self-disclosure predicted greater partner responsiveness and feelings of closeness

Why is honest self-disclosure important in intimacy

Because it fosters genuine connection and trust, helping intimacy to develop

What is a crucial step following disclosure that works towards developing intimacy

Responding to disclosure

What is the first step in responding to disclosures

Listen to the initial disclosure actively

Why is it important to understand both surface and deeper meanings in disclosures

Because there may be subtle, underlying meanings that provide insight into the person's feelings

What type of questions should you ask to respond sensitively to a disclosure

Clarifying questions that allow the partner to expand on their thoughts

Why is it important to know when to transition to a different topic

To prevent the conversation from becoming overwhelming or uncomfortable

What challenge often arises in giving support during disclosures

We tend to give support in the way we want to receive it, which may not match the other person's needs

The intimacy process model highlights _____ as key areas where miscommunications can occur

Filters

5 key filters in couple relationships

1) distractions
2) emotional states
3) beliefs and expectations
4) differences in style
5) self-protection

What kind of distractions are huge in todays relationships

Technology

How do emotional states act as filters

how we feel in the current moment has a huge impact on interpretation of a partners disclosures or response

How do positive emotional states effect our filters

We tend to give people the "benefit of the doubt" more when we are in a good mood

What might happen when those with low self-esteem disclose negative experiences

People with low self-esteem may feel vulnerable when they
disclose negative experiences, and therefore may put their partner response under a microscope

How do beliefs and expectations act as a filter

We can often find what we expect in people

How can differences in communication style act as a filter

Communication styles are influenced by culture, family of origin, and other factors, which can lead to misunderstandings

What is self-protection and how does it function as a filter

Self-protection is motivated by fear of rejection, leading individuals to hold back from saying what they truly want to say

True or false: everyone has filters

True

What does miscommunication because of a filter often lead to

Often, miscommunication because of a filter leads to discussions of "right" and "wrong"

What is a more productive way of dealing with filters

Understand that you are perceiving your perception of reality not actual reality

What did Keith Sanford find regarding couples interpretations of filters

After conducting an experiment in which couples' conversations were recorded, researchers asked each partner separately to describe their own perceptions of the conversation as well as their partner's communication style. They found a surprising result: self-reports often did not match actual behavior. In many cases, what individuals said their partner did was actually a reflection of their own behavior

What is the key to dealing with filters in communication

The key is to learn your and your partners' filters (awareness) and adjust communication (accommodation)

What is the first step to good communication

Listening, therefore, being a good listener precedes the ability to effectively communicate

How does good listening impact communication difficulties

Often, if we listen well, difficulty communicating is not an issue

What are the two components of listening

1) Nonverbal listening
2) Verbal listening

What does active listening involve

Accurately interpreting information and communicating that you have accurately interpreted it

True or false: most communication is nonverbal

True

6 components of nonverbal communication

1) Facial expression
2) Eye contact
3) Body movement
4) Touch
5) Interpersonal distance
6) Paralanguage

How can interpersonal distance act as nonverbal communication

generally, closer distance signifies a more intimate relationship

Paralanguage

-Nonlinguistic means of vocal expression
-Examples: vocal tone, rhythm, rate, pitch, volume, etc.

3 keys to nonverbal active listening

1) Let the speaker finish without interrupting
2) Concentrate on what they are saying - stay in the present moment
3) Physical things such as eye contact, open posture, leaning slightly forward, using gestures to convey interest etc.

3 keys to verbal active listening

1) Ask open-ended or clarifying questions
2) Use paraphrasing (reflect back what you hear in a genuine manner)
3) Listen for the purpose of understanding = do not rebut

What is the goal of the Speaker-Listener Technique

To talk without fighting

How does the Speaker-Listener Technique help partners with different communication preferences

It accommodates one partner's desire to talk more and the other partner's desire to fight less

Is the Speaker-Listener Technique intended for problem-solving or conflict resolution

No, the focus is on understanding, not agreement

What communication skill does the Speaker-Listener Technique build on

Active listening

How do people often feel about using the Speaker-Listener Technique

It feels very awkward and unnatural

Why might "natural" communication not be effective in tough situations

Research shows that natural communication often doesn't work well under stress

Why does the Speaker-Listener Technique tend to be effective despite feeling unnatura

It forces both people to slow down and pay attention to the communication process

What are some negative communication patterns that structured communication helps counteract

Escalation, invalidation, withdrawal, and negative interpretations etc.

Do most people continue using the Speaker-Listener Technique after learning it

No, most people don't continue using it after learning

What may help mitigate the fact that most people don't use the speaker-listener technique after learning it

Incorporating it into your life in more manageable ways

John Gottmans communication killers

1) flooding
2) mind reading
3) defensiveness
4) frequency hopping
5) yes-butting
6) belligerence

Flooding

bringing up absolutely everything you can think of when having a discussion

Mind reading

making assumptions about what your partner thinks or feels

Defensiveness

concentrating on defending yourself rather than on what the other person is saying

Frequency Hopping

Switching from topic to topic so quick that no resolution is possible

Why is Yes-butting a communication killer

It entails not understanding, only defending