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Project managers, primarily, get work done through the efforts and coordinated contributions of:
many other people
Emotional Intelligence
the ability of individuals to recognize their own and other people’s emotions, to discriminate between the different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior
What are the four skills of EI?
Self-Awareness, Self-Management, Social Awareness, Relationship Management
emotion
a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others
SASHET
scared, angry, sad, happy, excited, tender
What type of effect can your emotions have on your body?
What type of effect can your body have on your emotions?
strong, direct
Self Awareness
understanding ourselves and our emotions
Self Confidence
the ability to be grounded, secure, and self-assured in whatever situation we find ourselves in
Intelligence Quotient
a way of measuring our mental horsepower relative to others our age (verbal comprehension, perceptual reasoning, memory, how fast we learn relative to others)
Personality
defined by traits such as levels of extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism, and open-mindedness
What are emotions?
Numerous complex electro-chemical reactions in our brain
What are the three parts of our brain?
Neocortex, limbic brain, reptilian brain
What does the neocortex do?
Rational thought, language, imagination
What does the limbic brain do?
Emotional memories, processing emotions, value judgements
SUBCONSCIOUSLY
Reptilian brain
Primary life support (breathing, heartbeat); Instinctual responses; Some compulsive behaviors
Amygalda
Part of the limbic brain; Stores memories of emotional events; Strong powerful emotional responses (fear and anxiety); Fight, freeze, flight
Amygdala Hijacking
Words and/or behaviors were not what you would have done if you were in a different emotional state
How can you handle amygdala hijacking?
Recognize and acknowledge your emotions as they occur; Bite your tongue; Use breathing techniques; Seek understanding and/or shared context
What happens when you think something is unfair?
Rational brain is outpaced by limbic brain
You think you are being rational when you are not
You may feel the urge to have others agree with you and justify it
You will say and do things that seem rational to you
Others will likely see you as over-reacting or immature
Our emotions are dictated by:
Similar experiences; Our brain experiences similar emotions when “similar situations” occur
Emotional reactions within our brain are the same during ____ situations:
Real, imagined, remembered, perceived
What are some active forms of breakdown?
Slamming doors, sarcasm, holding grudges, venting, snapping back
What are some passive forms of breakdown?
Withdrawal, giving up, withholding information, playing the victim, chickening out, not speaking up
Stressors
Things that cause pressure, discomfort, and uncertainty (NOW) (Pre-thinking, hot words, perceived criticism, deadlines, environmental triggers, illness)
Triggers
Things that bring forward emotions based on past experiences and may initiate from any of the senses and can be from a variety of causes
Pre-thinking
consciously or subconsciously erroneously image negative outcomes, which cause fear and anxiety
Prospective Hindsight
Consciously imaging a future state of looking back at something undesirable that you imagine could happen (but hasn’t happened yet) and then using that imagined hindsight to take steps to reduce the risk of that undesirable situation
ANTS
Automatic Negative Thoughts: Triggered by an event, place, person, or other stimuli (Tend to be crippling; Manifests in self doubt, guilt, abuse, etc)
Cognitive distortions
Common mental filters that can lead to bad decisions, anxiety, feeling bad about ourselves or others
Filtering
The act of filtering out, ignoring, or weighing lightly the positives in a situation while dwelling or even magnifying the negatives
Polarization
Viewing yourself and/or situations as an ALL-OR-NOTHING
Overgeneralization
Taking an isolated negative comment or event and treat it like a consistent and never-ending negative pattern (Always, never, nothing, everything, etc)
Discounting the positive
Discounting or dismissing the value of positive comments, events, or aspects
Jumping to conclusions
Interpreting something as negative without sufficient supporting data
Catastrophizing
Jumping to a WORST possible conclusion, regardless of how improbable that is
Personalization
Feeling guilty or assigning blame to yourself when that is not the accurate or complete picture; You think a statement by a person about themselves is a statement against you
Control fallacy
You feel response (in control of) everything in your life OR you feel you have no responsibility and/or no control over many things in your life and work
Fairness fallacy
You think the world should be fair and you think your view of fairness is correct and others should share the same view of what is fair
Blame
The belief that others are more responsible for your emotions and your feelings than you are
“Should” statements
Unrealistic, idealistic, iron-clad rules or expectations on yourself (and on others) that do not allow for different specific circumstances
Emotional reasoning
Taking emotions and treating them like facts or as accurate results of facts that are not substantiated
Fallacy of change
Expecting others to change who they are in order to suit your expectations, especially by applying repeat pressure
Global labelling
Labelling that takes a single or few attributes and treat them like a larger absolute (may be accurate or mislabeling); Negative or extreme labeling that is a “stretch”
Always being right
Viewing your own beliefs and opinions as facts; Often willing to go to lengths to argue or prove your beliefs are right, and close minded to beliefs of others if they do not align with yours
Inappropriate Humor
Teasing, ridiculing, pointing out differences
Sometimes used to avoid professionally addressing an uncomfortable topic
Sarcasm
Indirect method of expressing: Anger, aggression, contempt, hatred, fear, insecurity
Not always bad, but you would benefit from thinking and checking its appropriateness. Is the relationship and trust strong enough so that sarcasm is not harmful?
How can we deal with sarcastic people
Try to understand why (private)
Let them know your expectations (private)
If a public correction is needed, drill down (ask them to explain what they mean)
Passive-aggressive behavior
Calm, quiet, subtle troublemaking
What are some examples of passive-aggressive behavior?
Not showing up, not meeting obligations, “forgetting” to include or inform, stubbornness
What is often the underlying emotion behind passive-aggressive behavior?
Anger
Playing the Victim
Complaining about things rather than affecting change; Lack of honesty to ourselves about the role we do; Rationalization for reduced responsibility; Excuse for unsatisfactory situations
What do individuals who play the victim do?
Ignore what they could have done to cause a different outcome
Concede to a position of powerlessness
Is in no position to prevent repeat situations
What are some corrective measures for playing the victim?
Ask yourself:
What is your role in the situation?
What can I do differently?
How can I stay positive?
How can I change my mood?
What options would I propose to a friend in a similar position?
Hostility/Defensiveness
Irresponsible, damaging, intimidating, venting
Reactivity
People, requests, or events bother you more than is beneficial
Other people may view you as “a bit” overly sensitive
Criticism
Hurtful and disrespectful of others; A response by someone feeling hurt, vulnerable, or insecure
Self-Confidence
A strong sense of one’s self worth and capabilities
What are some aspects of people with high self-confidence?
Self-assured
Have a “presence”
Comfortable and effective even when view is unpopular
Decisive, good decision maker
None of the seven behavioral red flags are prominent
Comfortable learning from failure
What are some different words for “problem”?
Challenge, opportunity
Labels/names change ___
Reality
Attribution Theory
Study of the mechanisms and processes involved with the assignment of an assumed reason for what we see, or think we saw
Naturally assign a logical reason for events or behaviors to make sense of what we observe
What is the typical subconscious mental process that describes attribution theory?
Observation —> Interpretation —> Attribution —> Response
Internal attribution
Assign the cause of events or behaviors due to something within the person
External attribution
Assign the cause of events or behaviors to something situational (outside the person)
Attribution bias/errors
Assign the cause of events or behaviors inaccurately, often focusing on the person (internal attribution bias) over the environment
Shyness is _____ of personality
Not a part of
Is shyness correlated with introvertedness or extrovertedness?
No
What does shyness actually indicate?
A light level of anxiety in certain social situations, and the resultant behaviors subconsciously caused by those feelings
Empathy
Ability to read the unspoken thoughts/feelings of others
Ability to appreciate and understand the unspoken thoughts and feelings of other
Capacity to respect and value people from diverse backgrounds or cultures and/or with different views, values, opinions, and motivations
Empathy ___ ____ infer agreement or sympathy
Does not
Sympathy
“Feelings of loyalty” or “unity or harmony in action or effect”
What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Sympathy: Shared feelings of others
Empathy: Tends to be used to mean imagining, or having the capacity to imagine and understand, the feelings that one does not actually have
Self-orientation
Imposing our views on others to have them consider the way we think as “right”
Results-driven
Projects are by nature results-focused
Often have the drive to improve, upgrade, fix, or finish
Good for managing the project itself, but bad for managing communication and relationships
AEIOU: What does A stand for?
Appreciative
When someone is talking to or even at us, they are sharing what they think is important. If we appreciate what they are sharing, they are likely to share more
AEIOU: What does E stand for?
Empathetic: Your ability to empathize with their emotions is possibly the most important factor in listening well
Try not to be judgmental as you listen
AEIOU: What does I stand for?
Inquisitive: By remaining curious, we encourage the speaker to continue to expose more of their thoughts and emotions
AEIOU: What does O stand for?
Open-Minded: Everyone you speak with knows things you don’t
AEIOU: What does U stand for?
Understanding: Must learn what is important to someone else to communicate and work well together; Seek to understand the factors that affect others, and how they view them
Do any of the AEIOU terms require agreement.
They do not require agreement with the speaker
What are some of the awkward, undeveloped skills of empathetic listening?
We plan ahead how we will talk to someone, but rarely plan on how to listen
We interrupt
We treat listening as “waiting our turn” to plan our response
We judge as we listen, and/or stop listening when we disagree
We switch the focus to OUR similar experience
Why is Empathy Not Easy: “I’m smarter or know something you don’t”
Others do not think and feel the way we do, so we feel the need to fix that (“correct” them)
We naturally criticize and compartmentalize other’s feelings
What are some of the positive outcomes of empathetic listening?
Help the speaker know they are valued and important
Communicate deeper
Appreciate emotions
Build trust
Learn more
During empathetic listening, you should not ____, such as looking at your computer
Multitask
Receive less of the message and signal that we do not value their input
Phubbing
The practice of ignoring one or more people in order to pay attention to one’s phone or other mobile device
What would be beneficial during empathetic listening?
Staying in the moment: Don’t try to recall or develop thoughts into what you might say in reply; Simply listen
Seek knowledge: Assume you have something to learn
Empathize, don’t relate: Don’t relate what you’re hearing to a “similar” experience you’ve had. Listen for what’s unique in their experience, empathizing without trying to draw parallels
Summarize only when appropriate
Don’t make judgements
Watch for emotions: Observe the speaker’s emotions (Empathize more, listen better, distracted less)
Co-creation
Both people play a role in the quality of the working relationship
Infers that both must work on the relationship and that neither is 100% a victim