CLUE Mrs. Peacock

Mrs. Peacock's lines in Clue: On Stage (with genderbent Wadsworth and Boddy)

Wadsworth: Mrs. Peacock, I presume.

Who? Oh yes! That's me!

Wadsworth: I see you two know each other.

Don't be ridiculous, I've never seen this woman before in my life!

Yvette: Champagne?

My lips belong to the Lord!

Wadsworth: Please, make yourself comfortable in the Lounge.

Thank you. Oh! For your hospitality... And there's a coupla Benjamins hidden under the caramels for you, butler.

Wadsworth: How...sticky.

I expect to be treated like the wife of a...

Wadsworth: Hold that thought. Right this way. After you, Mrs. Peacock.

Oh my, look at the detail of this molding; this is quite a magnificent mansion, isn't it... Who are you?!

Wadsworth: Mrs. Peacock.

How d’you do?

//Wadsworth: You'll find your names beside your places. Please be seated.

Ad-Libs

Wadsworth: Thank you, Cook.

All right then, what's all this about, butler; this dinner party?

Wadsworth: All in good time, sir.

What is that smell? It's something...familiar.

Yvette: Shark's fin soup.

My favorite!

Yvette: Bon appetit!

(Slurp) This is delicious. (Slurp) Oooh, this is yum yum yummy yum yum yum. (Slurp…choke.) Well, I guess I'll break the ice, I mean, I'll be the one to get the ball rolling, I mean, I'm used to being a hostess; it's an integral part of my life as the wife of a...Oh, well I forgot we're not supposed to say who we really are. But, oh well, I mean, I really have no idea what we're doing here, but I'm very intrigued and oh, my, this soup is delicious isn't it?

Green: I know who you are.

You do?

Plum: So you must be a politician's wife, Mrs. Peacock?

Yes, I am.

Scarlet: Who's your husband? Maybe I know him.

I...well, he's... Mrs. White, you've been awfully quiet, What does your husband do?

White: Well, he...just lies around on his back all day.

How lazy!

Green: Sorry?!

Mr. Green—what do you do in Washington?

Green: Oh, I'd better not say. I like to follow the rules.

Well, if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.

Plum: Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Peacock?

Yes. No. Why?

Scarlet: Sure do.

Does anyone here not live in Washington?

White: Oh yes, good thinking, Miss Scarlet.

What are we doing?

Wadsworth: We'll meet you in the Study.

Ad-lib... Oh, for goodness sake! Who was at the door?! I demand to know what's going on!

Wadsworth: Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?

No!

//Green: We'll, where is our host?

Our host is not here! Nobody's here! What is happening?!

Scarlet: Cigarette? It'll calm your nerves.

I don't smoke! (flask)

Wadsworth: "It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to end a certain long standing confidential and painful financial liability."

Ad-lib (Yes, that's what my letter said!)

Wadsworth: For some considerable time all of you have been paying more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you.

Oh, please! What's someone going to blackmail me for? I go to church every Sunday!

Wadsworth: Until you'd received you letters, you hadn't known who was blackmailing you. But now, I'm sure that even the least discerning amongst you has determined that the woman behind your ransom...is Ms. Boddy herself.

Yes, I figured as much, but who is this lady?!

Wadsworth: Yeah, well, he did.

How awful! You know, someday there will be a reckoning for men like you!

Scarlet: Me too.

You're disgusting.

Wadsworth: Are you making moral judgements, Mrs. Peacock?

Well, I—

Wadsworth: How then, do you justify taking bribes in return for delivering Senator Peacock's votes to certain lobbyists?

My husband is a paid consultant. There's nothing sinful about that!

Scarlet: I'd say it stinks.

When were you in that men's room?

Plum: So, it's true!

No, it's a vicious life!

Wadsworth: But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers. Seems a little...sticky, no?

Now see here—

Scarlet: I provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady.

An escort service? In Washington?!

Green: But voting records are confidential!

Everything has its price, Mr. Green.

Wadsworth: So—there you have it.

Have what?!

Mustard: And what does she want from us?

Who cares?! I'm not waiting to find out! I've done nothing wrong! I'm leaving!

Wadsworth: I'm sorry, Mrs. Peacock. You can stay in denial, but you cannot leave this house!

I am the wife of a great Senator! You can't tell me what to do! …Locked?!

Wadsworth: There's no way out!

Ad-Lib (This is an outrage!)

Boddy: How d'you do?

Who do you think you are? I'll have you brought before Congress!

Wadsworth: There is one more piece of information you may like to have.

What?!

Wadsworth: The police are coming in less than an hour!

Ad-Lib (The police?!)

Boddy: Unless...

Unless, what?

Boddy: ...I think some of you would face a lifetime of jail, and others, a lifetimes of shame.

Ad-Lib (You're taking advantage of a tenuous political situation!)

Boddy: Unless...

Unless what?!

Boddy: Well, there is something you could do for me that would change the game. Something I just can't bear to do myself.

What?!

White: Candy?

A rare single-malt Scotch whiskey?

Green: A Lead Pipe...

A Dagger...

Boddy: I wouldn't have to double your payments if I didn't have to pay Ms. Wadsworth for her silence.

Wadsworth?!

Plum: Get rid of?

Does she mean... kill him?!

Plum: I did.

So you shot her!

Plum: I didn't!

If you didn't, who did?

Green: Well, don't look at me! I didn't do it!

Everyone Ad-Libs... I need a drink!

Plum: Maybe Ms. Boddy was poisoned by the brandy!

Poison!?! Scream! Scream! Scream! Slap.

// Mustard: What took you so long?

I'm an old woman who may or may not have been poisoned! It's amazing I'm anywhere!

Mustard: What body?

Boddy's body!

Green: We have to figure out which one of them did it!

What do you mean "which one of them"?

Yvette: Only ze Cook.

ZE COOK!

// Plum: As far as I can tell, the Cook's not here.

What a lovely Kitchen. My husband and I had a kitchen very similar to this in our first brownstone. It has such a homey feel, doesn't it... Oh, look, a clue!

Wadsworth: Murders.

I hate murders!

Mustard: Some defense! If I were the killer I'd kill you next.

Gasp

Mustard: I said "if." There's only one admitted killer here, and it's not me. It's Mrs. White!

Gasp

Plum: It was Mrs. Peacock! Everyone Gasps

Yes. But I put it down.

Mustard: Where?

In the Study. Any one of us could have picked it up.

Everyone Ad-Libs (ex. well it wan’t me…)

Well then, it must have been...Mr. Green!

Wadsworth: ...We'll all be in custody and under suspicion for murder.

Murder!

// Wadsworth: What do you mean?

Nobody. No body. Ms. Boddy's body. It's gone!

Plum: Well, if she's not here—then where is she?

Oh my. All this excitement. If you'll excuse me, I have to uh...is there a little girl's room?

Yvette: Oui oui, madame.

No, I just want to powder my nose.

Scarlet: ...hey, where's the Lead Pipe?

Scream

Wadsworth: Ms. Boddy? Dead? Again?

I'm going to faint!

White: Mrs. Peacock?

Yes?

White: Where did this happen?

In the bathroom! I opened the door and there she was! At first, I thought he was attacking me, but then I realized she'd been left propped up against the doorframe, dead, just waiting to fall on someone!

Scarlet: Cool it, Butler! While you lose your marbles, I'm over here trying to do something useful! Have you all forgotten about the evidence against us?

The evidence!

Scarlet: It's empty!

Gasp

White: Here, prop her up.

Ain't you all strong and virile?

// White: Those are quite valuable.

Now is not the time for art appreciation! Butler...

Safe is opened

Ohhh.

Wadsworth: I'll put it in my pocket.

But what if you're the murderer?

Wadsworth: I'm not.

But what if you are?

Yvette: Oui! A l'exterieur!

But it's raining "a l'exterieur!"

// Mustard: Riiiight. There's nobody in the Study.

No!!!

Mustard: I suggest we handle this in proper military fashion. We split up, and search the house.

Split up!?

Mustard: But then we would have discovered who the murderer is!

But then the other half of the pair would dead!

Mustard: This is war, Peacock! Casualties are inevitable. You cannot make an omelet without breaking eggs—every cook will tell you that.

But look what happened to the cook!

Wadsworth: No. Mrs. White, you come with me. Professor Plum, you're with Mrs. Peacock. Yvette, you go with Mr. Green; and Miss Scarlet, you're with Eenie Meenie.

But what if someone doesn't come back?

// Plum: This is quite an impressive Library.

How can I find anything if I don't even know what I'm looking for!

Plum: "Civilized society is perpetually menaced with disintegration through this primary hostility of men towards one another."

Your fancy words don't intimidate me, Professor!

PLUM: Freud. I think he's on to something.

Now is not the time for academic pursuits! We're supposed to find the evidence!

Plum: It's a fruitless search, if you ask me. I mean, it's not like we're just gonna walk into a room and find the evidence plastered on the wall.

I suppose you're right.

Plum: C'mon, let's go upstairs. Maybe we'll be excited by something in a bedroom.

I haven't been excited by something in a bedroom for years.

// Scarlet/Mustard: HELP! HELP! MURDER! MURDER!

LET US IN! LET US IN!

Wadsworth: That's right! I did! I do! I don't! The keys are gone!

Gone?!

Yvette: Ze zafe. It was unlocked!

Unlocked!?!?

Wadsworth: Impossible! I have the key! No I haven't! It's gone!

Gone?!

Scarlet: Speaking of the killer, there's a dead body in the Lounge, ya know! The Motorist is dead! (MUSIC CUE)

Which one of you killed her?

Wadsworth: The Parker Brothers. Doorbell Rings

Gasp (look out)

Second doorbell ring

Gasp (look at the door)