TGWDLM Paul Lines

BILL: Hey, Paul.

Yeah?

BILL: I was trying to print something. I think I mighta sent it to your printer.

Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Yep. Just remember, you wanna print from the HP Laserjet, not the HP Inkjet.

BILL: Right. Sorry, Paul.

It's fine.

DAVIDSON: Hey, Paul. Can I get those reports on my desk by the end of the day?

Yes, Mr. Davidson.

MELISSA: Hi, Paul.

Hi, Melissa.

MELISSA: Were you gonna sign up for the company softball league?

No.

MELISSA: Oh. Well, it might be fun.

Yeah. I don't want to though.

MELISA: okay. Well, Mr. Davidson wants those reports on his desk by the end of the day.

Will do.

CHARLOTTE: That was Sam. He's doing just fine. Counseling's working out real swell.

Charlotte, I'm sorry. You can't smoke in here.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, I didn't even realize.

It's okay. (beat) Well, I'm gonna go get some coffee from Beanie's. Anyone wanna come? Bill?

BILL: Her mother, just to make me look small, took her all the way to New York to see "Hamilton".

Ugh.

BILL: It's finally here, at the old Starlight Theater in downtown Hatchetfield... The touring production of "Mama Mia!"

Wow. She'll like that just as much as "Hamilton".

BILL: It's a musical! Hey, you wanna tag along? Remember when you used to babysit her? Drive her to school?

Yeah.

BILL: She thinks you're cool. Maybe you could talk me up a bit. Let her know her dad's pretty cool too.

Bill... No, sorry.

BILL: You got other plans?

No.

BILL: So you'd rather do nothing than come with us to see Mama Mia?

Bill, I'd rather do anything than go see Mama Mia. The idea of sitting there trapped in a musical... That is my own personal Hell.

BILL: I'm trying to reconnect with my teenage kid and you're just gonna leave me hanging?

Yeah, sorry. But hey! I'll grab you something from Beanie's! My treat. You want anything?

BILL: I just want my daughter back.

How about an iced caramel frappe? Nothin' better!

TED: Hey, you goin' to Beanie's?

Yeah.

TED: You didn't invite me.

Sorry, Ted. You wanna come?

TED: No, no. I don't wanna show you up.

What do you mean?

TED: Paul, come on. I know why you walk the extra block instead of going to the Starbucks across the street.

I don't wanna give my money to some corporate chain...

TED: Uh huh. Uh huh. You sure it doesn't have something to do with that cute, little barista over there? The "latte hottay" as she is known throughout the land.

Alright. Bye, Ted.

EMMA: Hi, can I help you?

Uh... Yeah. I got an easy one for ya. Just a cup of black coffee.

EMMA: Jesus, really? I've been brewing up your coffee, hip-hip-hooray....

No, no, no. I don't need you to sing. I just tipped because, you know, people should tip.

EMMA: You meant this for me, right? Like, I shouldn't have to split this with the others.

No, that's for you. I don't give a shit about them.

EMMA: She hired all her little theatre friends, and they will not shut the **** up about some crappy production of "Godspell" they did last summer.

Was that the one at the rec center? I think I saw that... I did not like it.

EMMA: Yeah! It sucked, right?

Yeah, they shouldn't call it "Godspell". More like "God-awful".

EMMA: Or "GodDAMN-that-was-bad".

Yeah, I do not like musicals. Watching people sing and dance makes me very uncomfortable.

EMMA: Then why do you come to the singing coffee shop? There's a Starbucks down the street.

Yeah, well... Some things are worth it. Like... damn good coffee.

EMMA: I see you in here all the time, don't I? What's your name?

Paul.

EMMA: Sorry! Sorry!

Oh, okay. Well, bye Emma! Sigh... Emma... Oh shoot! I forgot Bill's caramel frappe... eh, **** Bill.

GREENPEACE: Hi! Are you interested in saving the planet?

Oh… yes. I am, but… I just got off of work.

GREENPEACE: It’ll only take a few minutes… It’s for the planet.

Yeah, but…

GREENPEACE: I just wanna talk to you about how you can help contribute to Greenpeace’s efforts around the globe…

Oh! Greenpeace? You know what? I’m actually already signed up with you guys. I already give.

GREENPEACE: Oh! How generous of you! So you know about our campaign to save the sea turtles?

Yeah. I’ve been getting the emails. Been reading all about it.

GREENPEACE: Oh yeah? About the campaign that doesn’t exist? the one I just made up? … You don’t give to Greenpeace, do you?

… You know how much of that money actually goes to the turtles?

GREENPEACE: None. I just made that up…

That’s right! None! It goes to line the pockets of some corporate big-wigs! I give my money directly to the people who need it!

HOMELESS MAN: Spare change for the homeless?

Sorry, I don’t have anything.

GREENPEACE: Wow. You’re a real humanitarian.

You know, you come on a little strong with that

whole ‘save the planet’ bit. As if I’m gonna do that singlehandedly.

GREENPEACE: Well, you know what...

What is... that?

DONNA: Now weighing in at almost ten

ounces, Peanuts the Hatchetfield Pocket Squirrel has outgrown his adopted father’s

pocket.

Peanuts!

DONNA: And something else has fallen to the ground here in Hatchetfield. This time

from outer space. The meteor came...

[EXIT] Hey, did you see...? Oh, you again. Look, I’m not a bad guy. I’ve given to charities in the past..

LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

What the fuck was that?

HOMELESS MAN: Spare change for the homeless?

I’m sorry. I don’t have anything.

LA DEE DAH DAH DAY!

What’s happening? I’m very confused and

concerned by all of this... I...

CHORUS: Lights down!

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

CHARLOTTE: Ha. Coffee in the sugar. Bill,

you’re a riot.

Okay. Okay... Hey, guys. Is today some kind of, I don’t know, Canadian holiday

or something? Like International Music Day?

BILL: Not that I know of.

Okay. I just saw a

group of people dancing and singing like they were in a musical. There was this

homeless guy and this very rude woman from Greenpeace doing this whole

choreographed number...

TED: Like a flash mob?

Yeah. I mean, what else could it have been?

TED: Well, did you get a video of it?

No.

TED: You’re fucking useless, Paul.

I just have a bad feeling about all of this. Charlotte?

CHARLOTTE: Huh?

Have you noticed anything strange?

CHARLOTTE: And I don’t know why, but... it

frightened me. It’s just... It didn’t sound like my Sam. Oh, I must sound silly. I’m probably just imagining things.

Charlotte. Do you remember what Sam was singing?

CHARLOTTE: It was just a silly, little song. Something like, ‘lah dee’...

Dah dah day?!

MELISSA: Paul. Mr. Davidson wants to see you in his office.

Oh shoot! I forgot to hand in those reports yesterday. I’m gonna get it!

LIGHTS UP ON SCENE 6

Hey, Mr. Davidson. I think I know why you called me in here. My weekly reports

were not turned in yesterday. Not because they’re not done. They are done. There’s a

problem with the printer network. You see, you try to print something out here, it gets

sent over there. I bet my report is sitting in someone else’s printer tray right now. If you

give me til the end of the day, I can find it. Not do it. I

wouldn’t just not do my statistical analysis. That would really gum things up here in the

office, and that’s the last thing I want...

MR. DAVIDSON: WHAT DO YOU WANT, PAUL?

Excuse me?

MR. DAVIDSON: So, what do you want, Paul? What’s your one concrete goal that

motivates all of your actions?

I don’t think I have one of those.

MR. DAVIDSON: Melissa, will you get my wife on the phone for me?

PAUL: Mr. Davidson, I think I should leave.

CUZ I WANT YOU TO WANT!

Mr. Davidson, I’m gonna go get some coffee! Do you want

anything?

MR. DAVIDSON: NO, I NEED YOU TO WANT!

How about an iced caramel frap? Nothin’ better!

LIGHTS UP ON SCENE 7

Okay, okay, okay... This isn’t happening. Get a grip, Paul. You’re hallucinating.

Better yet, you’re still dreaming! You need to wake up. You need some coffee. That’s it.

Just a nice cup of black coffee. Nothin’ in it. No cream. No sugar. Just black coffee! Hello? Hello?!? Please, God, I just want a black coffee!

EMMA: Black coffee!

I’m you’re coffee gal...

No! Not you too, Emma! Please God, stop singing!

EMMA: Okay. Okay. I’ll stop. I didn’t forget.

You’re the guy who doesn’t like musicals. Paul, right?

Emma. You’re talking to me... Like a normal person.

EMMA: Yeah, and if my boss catches me, I’ll get canned. New company policy. Not only do we have to sing when people tip, but when

they enter, when they order, all the time apparently!

Emma, I think there’s something terribly wrong with the world today...

EMMA: Yeah, fucking tell me about it. I spent the entire morning learning this dumbass

new tip song. I’m exhausted.

Emma, I feel like there’s something sinister infecting Hatchetfield. I know this is

gonna sound crazy... and not very scary. But it is scary if you think about the

implications. Promise me you’ll think about the implications!

EMMA: Okay, I promise.

Emma, I think the world is becoming... a musical.

EMMA: Uh...

Don’t say anything! Let it sink in.

EMMA: Okay.

Okay. Now... Are you frightened?

EMMA: I am starting to get a little frightened...

You should be!

EMMA: They’re singing! Why are they all singing!?

We need to run, Emma! Don’t look back! Just run!

EMMA: Oh my god. What the fuck was that?

I told you it was scarier than it sounds!

EMMA: You were right! I didn’t think about the implications. Oh my god, I didn’t think

about it!

Emma, it’s alright...

BILL: No! It’s not alright, Paul!

AHH!! Bill! You scared the shit out of us!

BILL: Well, how the hell am I supposed to pop out of a trash can and not scare the shit

out of you?!?

I don’t know! Give us a warning or something next time!

BANG

AHH!! Charlotte!

EMMA: Who are these people?

PAUL: They’re my friends from work.

CHARLOTTE: It was the same at the bank, the butcher’s, and the post office!

It’s all downtown. We were just at Beanie’s!

TED: You didn’t invite me!

Jesus, Ted!

EMMA: Uh, fuck you?

No. Emma stays with us.

TED: I don’t know her!

Yeah you do! She’s the barista from Beanie’s. You know... The

‘Latte Hottay.’

SAM: YOU BETTER SHAPE UP!

Get away from him, Charlotte! He’s one of them!

TED: No, Charlotte! We’re all different denominations! We can’t split up! I’m a

Presbyterian! There’s no way I’m dying in your dirty-ass Methodist church! I say we go

to the panic room and beg for the king’s help!

Charlotte, I think the best think for all of us, including Sam, would be to get to

the professor.

EMMA: Let’s go now. We can take the squad car.

Help me with him.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I theorized this very scenario thirty years ago.

Really?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Really.

Like, exactly this?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Exactly.

That the world would become a musical?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: As unbelievable as

that or this outbreak may seem, the question is no longer “can this be happening?” but

“how do we fight it?” I’ve got to get this blue shit under the microscope and see if I

can’t find what makes these bastards tick.

Sorry, Professor. This is a lot to take in. You have anything to take the edge off?

Like a drink or something?

TED: Alright, let’s see it! Kick my head! Come on, karate champ! I wanna see you kick

above your waste! Show me that round-house! Show me that sweeping crane kick

your Kung Fu master taught you!

Alright, you two, calm down! Ted, Bill’s not gonna kick your head.

TED: Why not? It’s the most vulnerable part of the body. That’s what Sensei Bill taught

me...

Okay, it was a dumb threat. Stop rubbing it in. I’m sure if he could do it over

he’d say “ass.”

TED: Uh-uh. If you wanna kill a snake, what do you do? You cut off

its head. Where’s the fish rot from? The head. Take out the head, and the whole thing

goes down. That’s why a fisherman always goes for... the head! OUCH! Come on, Bill!

Gimme that... This is supposed to relax us. Not make us kill each other!

EMMA: Why did I come back here?

To uh... drink?

EMMA: Back to Hatchetfield. I spent the first eighteen years of my life

trying to get outta this place. I shoulda stayed in Guatemala. Sure, they got volcanoes

and coatimundis everywhere but...

What’s a coatimundi?

EMMA: It’s like a little raccoon thing. They get into shit. People hate ‘em. But at least

they don’t sing and dance.

So is that what drove you back to Hatchetfield? Coatimundis? Up in your shit?

EMMA: And when one

sister is so on top of her game, it almost demands the other be a total fuck-up, right?

What is yin without yang?

EMMA: She would invite me back home for the big events.

Wedding. Baby shower. I’d always say, “Sorry. I’ll catch the next one.” But when I got

the invitation to her funeral, I was like, 'Oh, there won’t be a next one.’

Oh... I’m sorry.

EMMA: Do something my sister

would be proud of. Enroll in community college. Study botany... I’m gonna start a pot

farm.

Oh. Did your sister... smoke a lot of pot?

EMMA: No. But weed’s the future. Gonna be legal nationwide soon. I’ll bet you any

amount of money. Not that it matters anymore. You know, the one thing I’ve been trying

to avoid my whole life is dying in Hatchetfield... but here we are.

It could be worse... You could be dying in Clivesdale.

EMMA: Fuck Clivesdale.

Fuck ‘em. You know, all things considered... I like Hatchetfield. Been here my whole life. Born and bred. Never wanted to leave. Still don’t.