Hand to God - Jessica

Act 1 Scene 1

Act 1 Scene 1

MARGERY: Hey y'all my name's Rita... Well where's everybody at? Jessie you gonna finish your...

Jolene.

MARGERY: You gonna finish Jolene today.

I guess.

MARGERY: Whoa Jessie how much of that stuffing do you need?

You said I could make her look like I wanted.

MARGERY: Yes but what is all that for.

TIMOTHY: Puppet boobs.

Shut up Timothy.

JASON: I think you look nice.

Umm thanks.

TIMOTHY: 'Cause puppets are for f@gg0ts.

MARGERY: Timothy.

You are so...

TIMOTHY: What?

Afraid.

MARGERY: Jessica.

TIMOTHY: Afraid of what?

Afraid you're gay.

MARGERY: Hey now.

TIMOTHY: What?

That's why you say that.

JASON: Please Mom don't say rad.

MARGERY: Why not?

Yeah why not? She can say rad.

TIMOTHY: Jesus loves you in your butth0le.

You're so far back in the closet, you're in Narnia.

TIMOTHY: What?

MARGERY: QUIET. Why are you two here.

Well really I'm more into Balinese shadow puppetry, but I'll take what I can get.

TIMOTHY: 'Cause Mom won't leave me at home during her meetings.

What meetings.

TIMOTHY: None of your business you nosy bitch.

*get up, face Timothy*

TIMOTHY: Awww. Little baby.

MARGERY: Shut up, Timothy. I'm... I....

Jason you wanna get a Coke? I know where Pastor Greg keeps them. *exit*

Act 1 Scene 2

Act 1 Scene 2

(Starts of Scene 2) *Jessica notices Jason holding his drink in his puppet hand.*

You don't take that thing off much do you.

JASON: I do. I do all the time. I spend long periods of time with it off. Like in the bath. Or when swimming. Or...

Only when dealing with water.

JASON: What?

What, is he some kinda hydrophobe?

JASON: Who Tyrone?

Is that his name.

JASON: Ummm. Yeah.

And he's afraid of water.

I know what hydrophobe means.

I didn't think you didn't.

JASON: He just takes a long time to dry. You take him alone into the pool once and there goes your Saturday night, alone in the bathroom with the hair dryer. (She giggles again. He gets red again.)

(giggle) Aww you're embarrassed.

JASON: I'm not embarrassed.

You don't have to be embarrassed.

JASON: Good I'm not.

I think it's sweet how much you love your puppet.

JASON: I don't love my puppet.

Well how much you like your puppet.

JASON: I don't like my puppet.

How much you need your puppet. (He gets up to go.) Hey. Hey, don't leave.

JASON: Stop making fun of me.

I'm not.

JASON: I'm...

Really I'm not. I saw The Lion King. I think it's cool.

JASON: Are you sure you’re not making fun of me.

I'm sure.

JASON: 'Cause I know it's not cool.

It is.

JASON: You don't have to patronize me.

I'm not. I like it when you make him sing.

JASON: Thank you. You wanna see something.

Ummm.

JASON: You'll like it.

Yeah?

JASON: I think you'll like it.

Okay.

JASON: I just did.

TYRONE: Who? JASON: Yes...

What are you doing? Don't stop.

JASON: I...

What?

JASON: I can't remember any more.

That's really good.

JASON: Thank you.

Did you come up with that all by yourself.

TYRONE: It's a famous routine from the fifties.
JASON: Thirties.
TYRONE: You'd know that if you weren't so stupid.

Hey.

JASON: Shut up Tyrone.

Yeah, shut up Tyrone.

TYRONE: But it doesn't matter 'cause he thinks you're hot.
JASON: That is enough.

You think I'm hot.

JASON: No... Yes. I don't know. Ouch.
TYRONE: So hot. So hot he can't keep from touching himself.

Jason.

TYRONE: Touching himself in the dark.

Jason stop.

JASON: Tyrone.

TYRONE: The things he thinks about you.

Jason this isn't funny.

TYRONE: You can’t stop it.

JASON: Yes I can. Jessica. I…

I'm gonna see if my dad's here.

JASON: I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's fine. Don't even worry.

JASON: Don't go.

I'll see you next week.

JASON: Please don't go.

Bye now.

MARGERY: Due to Monday's poor attendance.... Speak of the devil...

I hope not.

MARGERY: I am so glad to see you Jessie. Did your mom get my message.

I'm here.

MARGERY: Okay. Sit down.
TIMOTHY: Lesbian.

So.

TIMOTHY: So...

Idiot. Ugggg. Hi Jason.

JASON: Hi Jessie.

TYRONE: You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Jason what happened to Tyrone?

MARGERY: No buts Timothy. No buts and no sharing…

So Timmy you just gonna sit there all night or you gonna help us put up this stage.

TIMOTHY: So Jessie are you gonna just stand there with your milk-stink vagina or are you gonna wash it at some point.

TYRONE: You don't talk to her like that.

TIMOTHY: What?

JASON: Tyrone is right Timothy. The way you talk to Jessica is unacceptable.

Don't bother with him Jason. He's not worth it.

TIMOTHY: I'm not worth it. You're not worth it. And I'm getting tired of this little retard's Dr. Jekyll and Miss Piggy act.

TYRONE: What did you just call me?

Seriously Jason.

TYRONE: Is that how it works you little dick piece of shit. You push around girls and boys that are smaller than you. You talk big and nasty. You blow hard. You puff yourself up and wear black. You posture. You pose. You're nothing but shit and wind. The moment somebody calls you out you run like a scared little bitch. So run. Run. Take your tiny shrivled dick and run. 'Cause everybody in this room knows exactly what you are. Nothing.

Jason what is going on.

TIMOTHY: I fcked your mother and she liked it.

Jason.

TIMOTHY: She liked it a lot.

Please stop.

END OF ACT ONE

END OF ACT ONE

MARGERY: Problem solved. Ear stays on. Now what about Jason.

PASTOR GREG: Umm.

Well who bought him the puppet with teeth?

MARGERY: This isn't funny Jessie.

I'm not trying to be funny. My puppet doesn't have teeth.

MARGERY: Your puppet isn't possessed by the devil.

Is it the puppet that's possessed or Jason.

MARGERY: I have had enough interesting questions for one day. The devil is in that puppet and we are goin' to exorcise him right out and have everyone back home by midnight. That's what I want and that's what Jesus wants and that's what's gonna happen. Right? (Nobody answers.)

Do Lutherans even do exorcisms?

PASTOR GREG: Strangely enough yes. After the reformation when the church split it was still a pretty popular service. It just isn't done much anymore.
MARGERY: See? Okay? Here we go.

Do you really think this is the best way to deal with all this?

MARGERY: Do you have any other suggestions?

I don't know 9-1-1?

MARGERY: "Yes officer my underage son's puppet just bit off his friend's ear." Who can we call? Who? Who you gonna call?

TIMOTHY: Ghostbusters? (He laughs. Margery douses his ear with the rum. He yowls again.)

This is crazy. We need help.

PASTOR GREG: Margery I can't help but...

MARGERY: Why don't you kids go get a Coke.

Really?

PASTOR GREG: Actually I have remarkable powers of concentration.

MARGERY: Timmy could use something to put on his ear.

Then why don't we get ice instead of a Coke.

MARGERY: Brilliant Jessica. Brilliant. By all means you f-ing genius get ice and not a Coke. Just give us a moment in this office alone.

Ummm... okay. Come on Tim.

TIMOTHY: I don't wanna go.

MARGERY: Please Tim.

TIMOTHY: For you.

Jesus. (She drags Timothy out. Margery and Pastor Greg look at each other.)

TIMOTHY: Whatever you say.

MARGERY: I mean it.

TIMOTHY: Okay.

Mrs. Stevens.

MARGERY: Jessica! (The animals break apart.)

Hey guys.

TIMOTHY: Jessica get the fck out.

I'm going to. Mrs. Stevens, can I can get the keys to your mini-van? I need the puppet supplies.

JASON: No.

TYRONE: You just can't tell them.

JASON: They called in the feds.

JOLENE: Drop your cocks boys. Company's a-coming.

TYRONE: Hell yes. This sausage fest is offically over!

Hi.

JASON: Hi. What are you doing here?

JOLENE: I heard there was a bad boy here. I heard he was a real bad boy. You bad, boy?

TYRONE: Girl. I have everything you need.

JOLENE: Come on big talker let's get this done. (They move the puppets close to one another. Tyrone begins to sing to her.) Hey. You nervous.

TYRONE: Am I nervous? Yeah. I mean... you know... just a little.

JOLENE: (Puts a hand on his puppet chest.) Relax. Just breathe. (He does. He drops his head. She moves down his puppet body.)

TYRONE: I'm...

JOLENE: What?

TYRONE: It's my first time.

JOLENE: I know. (She might reach up under the place where Jason's hand enters the puppet. Tyrone might gasp.) Just leave everything to me.

TYRONE: Wait... wait... I want y'all to know what's going on here. (Jessica and Jason look at each other confused.
JASON: I... I don't...

What do you mean?

TYRONE: I've seen Bugs Bunny, motherfcker. I know what's going down. It's just...

JOLENE: Don't look at them. Look at me. (Jolene lifts up her top. Jessica has paid great attention to detail. The puppet has nipples made out of buttons.)

TYRONE: It's too good. Even if it ain't real. (Tyrone kisses Jolene. Jessica and Jason look at each other awkwardly.)
JASON: Thanks.

No problem.

TYRONE: Is this okay? Are you. Are you ready?

JOLENE: So ready. (He mounts Jolene.)
JESSICA: How long do you think this is gonna go on?

JASON: Well he said it was his first time so probably not too long.

I didn't mean that. I meant this. All of this...

JASON: You meant...

The whole... (She gestures to him and the puppet and the puppet sex.) This whole thing.

JASON: Well it's just... new. As long as we keep him... occupied, I think everything will be fine.

Jason, that is scary.

JASON: I thought that's what you girls liked.

Who is "you girls"?

JASON: You. The kind of girls that are into Timothy.

Sometimes.

TYRONE: Jessus. Jeeesuuusss. Oh my God. (Jason, looks away, disappointed.)

But just sometimes. I also like "Who's on First?" Although it was more impressive before I knew your hand was possessed.

JASON: I know. I just wish I believed you.

About what?

People say this stuff. All this stuff about what you can be. Who you should be. Being yourself and shit and I don't buy it. They don't act that way. Nice never got me anything. It makes me feel... like... like...

Like you're not enough?

JASON: Yeah.

You don't have to be Timmy. You don't have to be Tyrone. You're right. A little of it is nice. But you realize that you don't have to go all the way, right? You realize that you can be your own person.

JASON: But I don't know what that is.

What do you want it to be?

JASON: I don't know.

'Cause I will tell you right now, we can't go to the homecoming dance as long as you have that thing on your arm.

TYRONE: HOOOOOOMEECUUUUUUMMMMMINGGGGG. (Tyrone collapses in a heap on top of the female puppet.

Let me rephrase that. Do you want to be a shallow violent foul-mouthed puppet for the rest of your life? Think about it. (The locks on the door make their clattering noise. The door comes open and it's Pastor Greg and Margery.)

PASTOR GREG: Jessica are you okay? What are you doing in here?

Puppet practice. Think about homecoming, okay Jason?