self-determination in close relationships

self-determination continuum chart

relational benefits of autonomous motivation

• higher levels of autonomous motivation for being in a relationship is associated with higher relationship satisfaction

  • ex. research couples living together. the ones that were there bc they wanted to be there, showed higher satisfaction

• autonomy orientation

autonomy-orientation

trait-level tendency to regulate behaviour based on personal values and interests rather than external pressure

• associated with growth and mastery orientation in oneself and others

• related to less defensiveness to interpersonal differences with partner (conflict is less threatening)

  • less desire for a partner exactly like oneself

  • more positive communication during conversations designed to highlight relationship disagreements

    • “we’re different, what can I learn from this”

    • people more autonomy oriented are less rigid about needing their partner to be exactly like them

what does relationship autonomy foster

a pro-partner orientation

• higher levels of responsiveness and encouragement of partner’s independent goals and successes

• higher levels of forgiveness following partner transgression

• more constructive responses to relationship conflict

  • ex. raising concerns, collaborative problem solving

• less destructive coping

  • ex. avoiding issues, withdrawing emotionally, lashing out

event-specific autonomous motivation

•  Level of autonomous motivation also varies at the level of specific relationship activities

• Autonomous motivation for engaging in activities like self-disclosure, support provision, and physical intimacy predicts greater relationship satisfaction and quality (must not feel controlled)

• Autonomous motivation for caregiving for a partner with chronic health condition (e.g., cancer, chronic pain) predicts lower levels of depression & psychological distress, and more life satisfaction

communal strength

how motivated someone is to care for their partner’s needs willingly and without expecting immediate payback

• individuals high in this report more positive emotions, feelings of appreciation, and higher relationship satisfaction when making sacrifices

  • mediated by authenticity

authenticity

Sacrifice feels good when its authentic, freely chosen and meaningful

authenticity and emotional suppression

• emotional suppression usually has negative effects (lower well-being, lower feelings of interpersonal connection & authenticity)

• for people who feel highly interdependent with their partner (see partner as part of the self), suppressing negative emotions during sacrifice boosts well-being and relationship satisfaction

  • suppression feels authentic for these individuals because it aligns with their genuine desire to prioritize the relationship

• people who feel less interdependent, suppression during sacrifice leads to lower well-being & relationship quality

  • daily diary study: asks whether they sacrificed smt for their partner + the suppression, satisfaction they felt with partner

unmitigated communion

over-prioritizing a partner’s needs at the expense of your own, often driven by guilt, fear, or low self-esteem (controlled motivation)

daily diary study of sexual motivation

• sexual communal strength → more autonomous reasons for having sex → higher sexual satisfaction + desire, immediately and over time

• unmitigated sexual communion→ more controlled reasons for having sex → lower and declining satisfaction over time

psychological need fulfillment

boosts both personal and relationship well-being

• relatedness= strongest predictor of relationship quality, but autonomy and competence make unique contributions

• helps recover following conflict

  • need fulfillment→ greater autonomous motivation → higher satsifaction & commitment post-conflict

the psychological needs as related to relationships

autonomy: choosing to be in the relationship, expressing true self

competence: feeling capable and effective when with partner, confidence in navigating problems together

relatedness: feeling loved, valued, care for (strongest link to relationship)

need frustration in relationshionships

• need frustration is linked to a fragile, highly contingent (tied to success and failure) form of self-esteem

• conditional regard threatens both autonomy and healthy self- esteem

• both CPR and CNR predict lower average relationship satisfaction over time

• CPR may feel satisfying in the short term but still damages autonomy and relationship quality in the long run

autonomy + relatedness

• complementary forces in shaping healthy relationships

  • ex. relatedness predicts better conflict responses—but only when partners also autonomous

• proposed mechanism — autonomy lowers ego-involvement

  • when autonomy needs are met, people are less defensive and focused on protecting self-image during conflict

    • can hear feedback without feeling personally attacked

  • when autonomy is low, more likely to interpret conflicts as threats to their worth and get defensive

    • any negative behavior is judged as a threat. Relatedness on its own is not enough

mutual need fulfillment

• Couple studies show that both partners’ levels of need fulfillment make unique contributions to individual outcomes—relationship satisfaction, commitment, attachment security, conflict resolution

  • I.e., your well-being depends not only on your own need fulfillment, but your partner’s as well

  • even if your partner is meeting your needs, you wont feel as happy if you’re not meeting all of theirs

importance of gratitude

• Partner regulation: attempts to get partner to change behaviours, habits, or attitudes

  • Even well-intentioned, can feel threatening to person on receiving end

  • Negative emotions might spark short-term compliance, but need autonomous motivation to sustain long-term change

• When partners perceived more gratitude for their efforts:

  • They reported greater autonomous motivation to keep working on the requested change

  • They and their partners reported greater success in actually making and sustaining the change

**lasting change comes from when someone changes because they want to. How can you do this? Taking their perspective, use invitational language, choice, and gratitude