The Internet is Distract- Oh Look a Kitten!

Announcer: Boxing Cat!Boxing Cat!Boxing Cat!

Micah: I dont know. Arent you a little tired of cat videos?

Taylor: No! What kind of a horrible question is that?

Micah: What?

Taylor: How would I ever get tired of seeing cats do incredible or stupid things? I mean, can you imagine what it must have been like 30 years ago? A cat would box! Put on gloves and box like a human and their owner would just be like, "That's cool, I'll just keep this amazing boxing cat to myself. No need to share it with the rest of the world." And then like… we would just never get to see it.

Micah: I guess that's true.

Mom: Micah!

Micah: [To Mom] Yeah! [To Taylor] Hold on a sec, my moms calling me. Minimize windows! [quickly try to clean up and when mom walks in have a "I'm being a good person nothing to see here" pose]

Mom: What are you doing?I thought you said you were finishing your Great Gatsby paper.

Micah: I am

Mom: Well, it doesn't look like it.

Micah: Mom. Look, I have one paragraph left to write. That's like three sentences, and then I'm done. It's not going to take me that long.

Mom: Well, you have to leave for school in…twenty minutes. Are you sure that's enough time? You promised me it would be done last-

Mom, I swear, I know exactly what I'm going to write. It's going to take me…five minutes. At most.

Mom: Fine. But I want to see it before you leave for school. So turn off your internet browser and get to work.

Micah: What if I need to look up something? [get yo and go after her]

Mom: Then you can turn it on for as long as that takes you to look up that specific article, but otherwise I want you to turn it OFF. Understood?

Micah: Okay, ya, fine. I will.

(Mom walks offstage. Micah sits down andhuffs.)

Maximize window!

(Lights up on Taylor, still at his computer)

Hey, I gotta go. Mom's being really annoying about this Gatsby paper.

Taylor: Alright, I'll see you later. Oh, hey, I'm thinking of making a meme out of Boxing Cat, so if you have any good meme headings let me know. I'm thinking of "This cat likes to PUNCH!"

Micah: Uh, I don't think that made any sense.

Taylor: Micah, its the Internet. It doesn't have to "make sense" as long as it's long and repetitive.

Micah: Yeah, okay. I'll let you know if I think of anything. Close window! Turn off wifi!

(Lights go out on Taylor)

Alright, three more sentences. Here we go.

(Micah takes a deep breath, and starts typing)

[Talking while typing] In the end, Jay Gatsby never did get what he wanted, his precious and elusive…light. [Stops to think] Shoot, what color was the light? Blue? The cover's blue. [Typing] His precious and elusive blue light. [Thinking] It's not blue. Darn it. It's…it's… Wifi on!

[Micah turns back on the internet browser]

Google: Hi. Welcome to Google, where we have everything you want forever. Would you like a search engine? Email? Calendar? Cloud computing? A terrible social media platform nobody uses?

Micah: Wikipedia.

Taylor: (Interrupting) Hey, you're back. Did you finish your essay?

Micah: No, not yet. I forgot what color the light is in The Great Gatsby.

Taylor: What light?

Micah: The…light. The light that haunts Jay Gatsby. Daisy's light.

Taylor: I don't remember there being a light. But I skipped through a lot of it. It was really long.

Micah: It's 180 pages.

Taylor: Yeah, but anything over 140 characters, unless it has emojis, is kinda hard for me to follow these days.

Micah: Well, look, there's definitely a light in The Great Gatsby, and I know Mrs. Watkins will knock off points if I get its color wrong so..

Catsby: New York, 1922. The tempo of the city had changed sharply. The buildings were higher. The parties were bigger. The morals were looser. And the liquor was cheaper.

Micah: No! No more cat videos! I have to work. Close window!

Taylor: That cat just recited The Great Gatsby in perfect English. How are you not impressed by that!?!

Micah: Taylor, I really have to finish this.

Taylor: Fine. Just chat me again when you're done.

Micah: Close window!

(Lights out on Taylor)

Maximize Wikipedia!

Wikipedia: Hi, welcome to Wikipedia, a collabatively edited, multilingual, free-access, free content internet encyclopedia. Wikipedia is a mostly reliable resource!

Micah: Yeah, what color was the light in The Great Gatsby?

Wikipedia: Hmm… Not found. Contents for The Great Gatsby. 1.1 Historical context 2. Plot summary 2.1 Major characters 3. Themes.

Micah: Never mind, this will take too long. Search for: Light.

Wikipedia: (Skipping through article) …. Gatsby spent many nights staring at the green light at the end of her dock, across the bay from his mansion. The color of the light is green, due to Daisy's romantic attraction to Kermit the Frog, of the Muppets and Sesame Street fame. In chapter five she insists-

Micah: Green! Okay, that's all I needed. Thanks! That's right. Wifi o- wait, Kermit the Frog? What was that? Kermit the Frog wasn't in The Great Gatsby!

Wikipedia Contributor: Well, I think Kermit the Frog should be in everything! I love the way his green felt feels on my skin. And that's not weird! You're the weird!

Micah: oh my god! You were the main source for my essay?!

Wikipedia: Yes, I know. Studies have shown that over 90% of high school students use Wikipedia as a source for their research papers, which is quite frankly terrifying.

Micah: Well, I'd better go to a different source to make sure the light is green. Close Wikipedia. New window!

Google: Hi. Welcome back to Google! Still your best and easiest option for searching the web, playing a movie, and getting your picture taken without permission? How can I Google your day?

Micah: Uh…just a search engine. Thanks.

Google: Wonderful. Search for anything and everything you possibly want with no strings attached (Quickly) except that I'm storing every search you do and selling it to marketing companies and the NSA.

Micah: I'm sorry, what?

Google: Nothing! What can I help you search for? Bet you I know what you want before you do.

Micah: The Gr-

Google: The Green Mile? The Grinch? The Grapes of Wrath?

Micah: No! Just wait. The Great-

Google: The Greatest Show on Earth. The Great Depression. The Great Santini.

Micah: No! The Great Ga-

Google: The Great Gabby! The Great Galveston Texas!

Micah: The Great Gatsby!

Google: The Great Gatsby! First try!

Micah: No wait! Not just The Great Gatsby! The Great Gatsby light color question mark.

Google: The Great Gatsby light color? Results: from Shmoop.com: The green light isn't the only symbolic color in The Great Gatsby. Fitzgerald uses color like a preschooler who-

Micah: Green! The light is green. Okay. Thank you. Close win-

Click Ad 1: Hey, any interest in buying The Great Gatsby? Book plus movie for the low price of $3.99. Just click me, and you'll have it.

Click Ad 2: Hey, heard you're into green lights. At Lights.com we have a wide variety of lights for you to choose from. Including green! Pick me!

Micah: Oh, for the… I just typed that! How did these ads find me so quickly?

Google: I don't know. It's probably a coincidence. (Fast) There are no coincidences there is only Google. Accept that we know everything about you and your life will be infinitely better.

Micah: What?

Announcer: Pizza. Pizza. Cat! Pizza. Pizza. Cat! Pizza. Pizza. Cat!

Micah: No!!! My mom was right, I'm never getting this done unless I turn off the internet. Wifi off!

Mom: Micah!

Micah: Hey, what?

Mom: What do you mean "what"? Are you done with your report yet? You have to leave in… twelve minutes.

Micah: I know. Sorry. I…couldn't remember what color the light was in The Great Gatsby. So I went online to Wikipedia, but then I wasn't sure if Wikipedia was accurate, so I went on Google, and then these ads-

Mom: Just wrap it up. You've been late six times this month and I'm sick of it. Shut off the wifi, and get it done.

(Mom exits)

Micah: [Typing] In the end, Jay Gatsby never did get what he wanted precious and elusive green light. He believed there could be a life better than he had at the time, and so he was always reaching, always looking-

[Micah's phone rings]

Hello.

Taylor: Micah, where'd you go?

Micah: I told you, I have this paper to finish.

Taylor: Well you have to get back on lines. Now. Jenny and Mark just broke up.

Micah: Oh god, not again. The last time they broke up they were so dramatic about it.

Taylor: I know. So go online and like both their statuses before they think you've taken a side.

Micah: I have like one sentence left to write. Do I really have to do this now?

Taylor: Yes! You do. You know how Jenny and Mark are. They are sad soulless people who only find personal worth in their status likes. Do it now unless you want to get on their bad side.

Micah: Ah! Fine!

[Micah hangs up the phone]

Wifi on! Go to Facebook!

Facebook: Hey, hey. You're in Facebook. Who do you wanna look at? 'Cause you can look at anyone. Ex-boyfriends. Crushes. Celebrities. Look at all their pictures. Look at what they're saying. Look at 'me all the time. You wanna see babies? Everyone posts pictures of their babies on here.

Micah: Ah, gross. You know, this is the reason I don't go on Facebook anymore.

Facebook: Yeah, but you haven't ended your account have you? No…. you haven't, 'cause you like to look sometimes. Looky looky…

Micah: Okay, just… show me Jenny Shumer's page please.

Facebook: Yeah. Jenny, no problem. She posts all kinds of pictures.

Micah: Just give me her page ya creep!

Jenny: Facebook status: Thank you all to my true friends who liked my new status. It gives me strength and a well of fortitude during this incredibly traumatic time for me. Just remember, "you are beautiful, in every single way. No words will bring you down." Christina Aguilera. Not only is she a signing contest judge, she's also a poet for my soul.

Micah: Uh. Gross, Jenny. (Giving a command.) Like!

Facebook: Yeah… what else you wanna look at? You don't even have to tell nobody you're lookin' at them, you can just look and be like "Mmm… I like your picture." And then just lick your lips like this-

Micah: No! Bleh, you're so disgusting! Just give me Mark Nutter. Thank you.

Mark: Status update: Dark days guys. Dark days. The Cure once said, "Boys Don't Cry." Well they do today. They so do today. I appreciate the support I've gotten from everyone, so much. You'll never truly know what your words have meant to me.

Micah: God, you guys are the worst. Like! And…

Jenny: Message from Jenny: Hey, Micah, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your Like. You have no idea what it's been like these past few hours.

Micah: Oh…come on! (To Jenny) To Jenny: No problem. I'm sure you'll get through it, but I know it must be tough.

Mark: Message from Mark.

Micah: No!

Mark: Hey M. You have no idea how much I appreciated that Like. My heart has literally been in pieces this morning.

Micah: To Mark: Well, I hope that's not literally true as I think you'd be dead. But I get what you mean. Hang in there, you're a great guy.

Jenny: OMG. You have no idea. It's literally been the worst thing that's happened to me.

Micah: Do either of you know what literally means? [typing] To Jenny: Wow, it must been really bad then. Hang in there, you'll get through it.

Jenny: Hey Micah, a bunch of us are going to the ice rink tomorrow. Kind of as a pick-me-up for the horrible place I'm literally in right now.

Micah: [not typing] No…stop…

Mark and Jenny: (at the exact same time) It would literally mean so much if you could come.

Micah: Aaahhh… To Mark and Jenny: Sorry, I'm literally grounded. But hopefully we'll hang out soon! Close window! Close window!

(Lights out on Mark and Jenny)

And close out of Fa-

Facebook: Wait, wait, wait! You can't leave. Look at all the links to articles you could read. Look at all these videos, and pictures and birthdays people are having.

Micah: I can't! I'm gonna be late for school!

Facebook: Taylor sent you an invite! And you know Taylor gets mad when you don't respond to his invites.

Micah: Fine! Show me the invite.

Taylor: Hey, Taylor just invited you to play "Knock Grandma Off Her Chair. Pig Version."

Micah: What? What is that?

Facebook: Sounds like a game. Sounds like a really fun game. A loooot of people are playing it right now.

Micah: [thinks, so torn] No I can't! Close window! Turn off wifi!

[Beat. Micah taps her foot. She knows she should get back to work but-]

Wifi on! Skype Taylor!

Taylor: Hey, what's up?

Micah: What is this? Why did you invite me to play "Knock Grandma Off Her Chair"?

Taylor: Because I'm an amazing friend who wants you to okay the best game ever. Here, I'll send you the link.

Micah: Oh, come on! This can't really be a game.

Taylor: Just play it for like two minutes. I mean, it's stupid, but it's also weirdly….beautiful.

Micah: What? That can't be true.

Taylor: Don't knock it 'till you've tried it.

[Micah thinks]

Micah: Fine. Click on link!

Grandma: Ha! Nice try! Bah! Why don't you go play for the Brooklyn Dodgers ya noodle arm!

Micah: Wow, this grandmothers a real jerk. Here take this!

Announcer: (off) Ooooo! Grandma got some pig on her face!

Micah: Ha ha! This is ridiculous.

Taylor: Just wait till level two when they give you the pig bomb.

Micah: What?

Grandma: Go ahead, you little whipper snapper. I survived the Great Depression, and I can sure as heck survive you.

Micah: We'll see about that.

Announcer: (off) Pig bomb now available! Would you care to use it?

Micah: Heck yeah! Pig bombs away!!!!!

Announcer: (off) Ooooo!!!! Grandma got blown up! Pig-style!

Micah: Yeah! Take that Grandma!

Mom: Micah!

Micah: What? Mom! What? Wifi off!

Mom: That's it. Go to school. Right now.

Micah: But I haven't finished my report!

Mom: And from the looks of it, you're never going to. Unless your report somehow involves…hitting a defenseless grandmother with pigs.

Micah: It's just a game!

Mom: Its offensive. Think how Nana Burke would feel if you hit her with a pig!

Micah: Mom, this is obviously not the same-

Mom: It would kill her! A pig at that velocity would kill Nana!

Micah: Mom! Look, I'm sorry I got distracted. I went online, because Taylor called me, because there was this whole breakup drama, which honestly would have affected my science project had I not-

Mom: I don't want to hear any more excuses. Shut off your computer, and go to school.

Micah: Mom. I have five more minutes before I have to leave. I have one, ONE sentence left to write. Do you really want me to NOT turn this paper in, a paper that's worth twenty percent of my grade, because you want to prove a point?

(Mom taps her foot)

Mom: Five minutes, and I want you out of the house and on your way. No. More. Excuses.

Micah: Great. Thank you. I promise this will take me like..a minute.