How to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence

Huberman Lab w/ Dr. Marc Brackett: https://open.spotify.com/episode/5ZXbNpYjz3NAS4PeVMxFgE?si=907f106b39624f9c

What is the Acronym “RULER” stand for?

Recognising Emotions (Read facial expressions)

Understand Emotions (Why am I feeling this way? What’s the consequence of that feeling?)

Labelling Emotions (Precise describing words)

Expressing Emotions (How & When to express emotions)

Regulating Emotions (Strategies we use to deal with everyday emotions)

What does Cognitive mean?

1. : of, relating to, being, or involving conscious intellectual activity (such as thinking, reasoning, or remembering) cognitive impairment. 2. : based on or capable of being reduced to empirical factual knowledge.

What is the 1st exercise that helps with emotional regulation?

Connecting the feeling to the reason of feeling helpful to emotion regulation

What does “emotional granularity” mean?

Being concise in how to describe and prescribe emotions. It refers to the ability to experience emotions in a precise and context-specific manner (Barrett et al., 2001; Lee et al., 2017)

What is the first example of Marc’s issue with mislabeling emotions (Anger & Disappointment comparison)?

Story: 13 yo, insecure Marc failed his Yellow-Belt test and lashed out to parents. He lashed out as he was disappointed as he thought he’d pass and that was met with anger. Parents met this with more anger (“I’m paying for those classes. Go to your room!”). Bullies also watched bringing terror and fear, also helped with the failing.

Strategy: Tutor, help and make him better

Actual: Yelled at, Forced back into it

Learning: Parents (partners, family etc.) need to “de-activate”, be present, understand that experience and label the experience, understand where it’s coming from and then strategize accordingly.

What helped with “Online Bullying Comments”?

Asking “That comment is offensive, Can you please take it down?”. People often complied with compassion

What does “emancipated” mean?

free from legal, social, or political restrictions; liberated.

Used by Huberman when Marc agrees with him that “texting decreases emotional intelligence as you cannot communicate the same”

What did Marc want from his friends when his father passed?

All his friends texted him. He wanted a friend to call and tell him that they’re there for him. “If you want to call, call. If you want to text, text. If you want me to come out and stay with you for a couple days, I’m there”.

What are the 3 Characteristics of someone who “gives people permission to feel”

1. Non-judgemental

2. Empathic (Compassionate)

3. Active Listening (Show that you care)

What are 2 things that prevent people from “wanting to feel other peoples’ feelings”?

1. Don’t have the time

2. Afraid of not being able to “handle it”

What is story #2 of Marc and his parents’ discourse? What was the learning?

The parents were fighting as the wife was spending more time with the Grandkids rather than him. Marc spoke to him and labeled his emotion. He realised he was jealous of the grandkids as they had more time with her than him. He was fixed once given a perspective as to what was happening.

Learning: Solution of reflecting on ones emotions

What was the common emotion found when the students journaled when stressed?

Envy

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is what we feel when we are worried, tense or afraid – particularly about things that are about to happen, or which we think could happen in the future

What is Empathy?

The ability to understand and share the feelings of another

Is it emotionally intelligent to call everyone and tell about something bad that happened to you?

No. You’ve “rehearsed” it and now you feel worse.

Solution: Talk to someone who’s an an Active-listeners, unjudgmental and compassionate. But when compassionate, you bring it back to the person and ask if this is the right thing for you right now?

Learning: Emotional Intelligence is not getting lost in the empathy. Not endlessly talking about feelings until you have no strategies but rather pose alternate outlooks (e.g. “Hop in the hot-air balloon, look down on yourself. Is it really bad? Is there anything going right for you in your life?

What is Compassion?

Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

Is asking questions to someone distressed to find a strategy helpful?

Yes.

Don’t: “Get in the Hot Air Balloon and look at your life”

Do: “Can you get in the Hot Air Balloon and look at your life?”

No one wants to get shifted! e.g. Do you want to go for a walk? Do

What does Aperture mean?

1. an opening, hole, or gap

2.a space through which light passes in an optical or photographic instrument, especially the variable opening by which light enters a camera.

How did Marc handle his Father’s upsetting remarks?

Distancing Technique

Turned him into a “Movie”. Something he was observing, not feeling

What are the 4 different Emotional States (Hint: Colours)?

Yellow - High Energy, High Pleasantness

Red - High Energy, Low Pleasantness

Green - Low Energy, High Pleasantness

Blue - Low Energy, Low Pleasantness

How do we best meet the feeling of Envy?

Gratitude

What is the story and learnings of Marc’s Presentation

Story: After his anti-bullying presentation, Marc got off stage and the next reporter, an older, more alpha lecturer put up a video of a boy being bullied and said to the audience that it was “Marc before his black belt”. Marc was flustered and felt like “he was 10 again”. After the speech, Marc confronted him saying “I don’t know what made you put that video up but 1. It was not cool and 2. it can never happen again”. After, the lecturer treated him well.

Learning: Moments of despair and bullying gives you a chance to be courageous and stand up for yourself.

Does punishment work?

No