Once Upon A Mattress - Minstrel Lines (FULL SHOW)

MINSTREL: (end of MANY MOONS AGO) But a genuine princess is exceedingly rare!

MINSTREL: There are many versions of this story; I sing them all. This is the prettiest, but it’s not quite accurate. I happen to know the true story of “The Princess and the Pea” for the very good reason that I was there. It was a small kingdom ruled over by a talkative queen and a mute king. The Princess in the true story was not the only girl put to the test. Actually, she was one of 13 girls —- girls who came to the castle hoping to wed the Prince, but who, for one reason or another, were found to be unsuitable.

(all the KNIGHTS, LADIES, QUEEN, KING, DAUNTLESS, PRINCE, LARKEN, HARRY come out)

MINSTREL: As a matter of fact, the day I arrived at court, they were testing Princess Number 12. A curious quiz was in progress.

PRINCESS: May I take the third king first? Well, then. Three kings are …

MINSTREL (to Lady Rowena): Is this a trial?

PRINCESS: King John, King Arthur, and …

MINSTREL: Does it matter if she’s a true princess?

LADY MERRILL: It’s the law that isn’t fair.

MINSTREL: Law?

THE ROWENAS: The Marriage Law: / ‘Throughout the land no one may wed / Till Dauntless to the altar’s led.’

MINSTREL: Dauntless?

LADY LARKEN: Oh, pass. Please, please, pass.

MINSTREL: Do you speak, my lady?

PRINCESS: Oh …

MINSTREL: I wish her success.

WIZARD: Minstrel! You are just arrived!

MINSTREL: Yes, I am, Sir Wizard.

KNIGHT #1: This way, please!

MINSTREL: I’m on my way to Normandy. I won’t be staying long.

(after IN A LITTLE WHILE REPRISE)

MINSTREL: Sir Harry’s perilous journey took three weeks and Lady Larken had all but given up hope that he would find a true princess. Then one sunny morning in mid-April, when the crocuses were just beginning to dot the meadows, the lookout in the north round tower spied two distant figures approaching at full gallop. The alarm was spread: ‘Sir Harry is back! Sir Harry is back when the new princess!’ Now, let’s see: how does this part go in the old story?

(after quick MANY MOONS AGO excerpt)

MINSTREL: That, of course, is utterly untrue. It didn’t storm that night at all. In fact it wasn’t even night. And the princess only looked as though she’d come in from a storm.

JESTER: Lark!

MINSTREL: Lady Larken.

JESTER: A Knight?

MINSTREL: Which Knight?

KING (pantomiming): (Sir Harry)

BOTH (Minstrel & Jester): Sir Harry!

KING (pantomiming): (How could you)

MINSTREL: “Must.” Must what?

KING (pantomiming): (Erase)

MINSTREL: You’re going to start all over, right?

JESTER: She’s in trouble.

MINSTREL: What kind of trouble?

JESTER: Big trouble …

MINSTREL: How many syllables?

JESTER: Sir Harry.

MINSTREL: Of course! But does anyone else know besides Sir Harry?

KING (pantomiming): (Me? I can’t even talk. “Locks” his mouth and swallows the “key”)

MINSTREL: We know you can’t talk … You can’t talk by you manage to communicate.

JESTER: All right, Your Majesty, I’ll help you.

MINSTREL: Has he ever had any success?

JESTER: I’ll tell you what. Tomorrow we’ll set a trap.

MINSTREL: You exaggerate

KING (pantomiming): (Queen Aggravain)

JESTER & MINSTREL: THE QUEEN!!!

JESTER: The Queen is going to make us do something.

MINSTREL: What?

KING (pantomiming): (Drops ear to ground)

MINSTREL: Who is it?

LARKEN: I’m glad I found out when I did; it’s better this way. I’m leaving.

MINSTREL: You’re leaving?

LARKEN: I have no choice.

MINSTREL: You’re leaving forever?

LARKEN: Who would help me?

MINSTREL: I, my Lady.

KING (pantomimes): (You)

MINSTREL: Chivalry demands that we protect a damsel in distress.

JESTER: If you say so, Your Majesty.

MINSTREL: But she’ll have to travel light … the way a man does.

LARKEN: Yes, I don’t need help from anyone.

MINSTREL: You’ll be all right once you get past the water rats.

LARKEN: Harry!

MINSTREL: The Queen!

QUEEN: Pull that away. Well! What are you doing? Explain yourself.

MINSTREL: It’s just a joke, Your Majesty. This boy and I … Go outside and wait for me … uh … uh … Lancelot.

QUEEN: Silence! And why weren’t you at the Ball?

MINSTREL: Your Majesty …

QUEEN: Why you lowborn, ungrateful little sneak! Is this the thanks I get for treating you as my own daughter? Just look at you! One of my girls running off with a musician!

MINSTREL: Majesty, the Lady Larken is innocent! I’ll tell you the truth. I forced her to leave against her will!

JESTER: He didn’t do it. It was a frame-up.

MINSTREL: You’ve got it all wrong.

JESTER: He was protecting the Lady Larken … and you keep out of this, Your Majesty.

MINSTREL: Sir Harry, I can’t leave yet. There’s someone I must see first!

HARRY: Who?

MINSTREL: The Wizard. I want your permission to speak to the Wizard.

HARRY: No, permission denied.

MINSTREL: Sir Harry, you’re a fathead!

HARRY: How can you help?

MINSTREL: By finding out what the test is … from the Wizard.

JESTER: Don’t you understand? This is for you.

MINSTREL: Let me go to the Wizard.

WIZARD: No soft soap, if you please.

MINSTREL: This is not soft soap. And I wouldn’t even say it except for the fact that I’ve been banished. And before I go — well — I hope this won’t embarrass you, but … I had to tell you what a great artist you are … Cardamon.

WIZARD: Cardamon? Don’t call me by that name.

MINSTREL: I use that name with honor, sir. I don’t think I’ll ever forget seeing you in command performance at Glastonbury in ‘92. What a show, what a triumph! You took seven curtain calls.

WIZARD: Eight.

MINSTREL: Do you happen to remember a little girl in the second row who stood up and yelled “Bravo” that night?

WIZARD: Yes …

MINSTREL: I was that girl.

WIZARD: I can’t believe it.

MINSTREL: Of course, now I’m in show business, too. And sir … if it’s any interest to you, it was your inspiration that brought this about.

WIZARD: You must belong to the guild. Camelot 714! To think that someone remembers those days.

MINSTREL: Yes. Well, I just wanted to tell you what that performance meant to me, Caramon. I’d better be going now.

WIZARD: No. Stay awhile. Madame Minstrel — for you.

MINSTREL: Thank you.

WIZARD: Here — have a seat.

MINSTREL: No, the Queen wouldn’t like it if she knew I was still around.

WIZARD: Never mind her. Sit down. This is between us.

MINSTREL: Anyway you’re probably busy with that test for tomorrow.

WIZARD: Oh that’s all right. The test is all taken care of.

MINSTREL: I don’t suppose you could tell an old Guild brother what it is?

WIZARD: Well, I’m sort of under oath …

MINSTREL: I understand. Well, I’d better be going.

WIZARD: No. Wait a minute. May I borrow your handkerchief?

MINSTREL: What handkerchief?

WIZARD: Some people think my act is pretty fowl.

MINSTREL: Cardamon the Great!

WIZARD: I bet you can’t guess what the test is about.

MINSTREL: Astronomy?

WIZARD: No. You’ll never guess. Sensitivity.

MINSTREL: Sensitivity! Did you hear? Cardamon the Great.

JESTER: Oh, thank you, sir.

MINSTREL: That was a wonderful thing you did for that girl, Cardamon.

WIZARD: Well — for her father’s sake.

MINSTREL: Say — I don’t actually have to get out of here until daybreak. Why don’t we go down to the wine cellar, split a bottle, and talk some more about — uh — talk some more.

WIZARD: Fine — fine. But first I’ve started something here I’d like to finish. Go ahead and I’ll join you in two seconds.

MINSTREL: I’ll be waiting.