Virus Assassin 3 Lines

beginning

CHARLIE 

Help desk, this is Charlie. 

BRIN 

Hey there. I’m having a little bit of a problem. 

CHARLIE 

Aren’t we all? But I’m the only one getting paid to help people, so fire away. 

BRIN 

So I downloaded your virus protection program on my computer.  

Charlie laughs.  

What? 

CHARLIE 

Nothing. I’m sorry I’m just amused. Go ahead. 

BRIN 

What are you amused about? 

CHARLIE 

Little joke we have here in the office. Not a problem. You don’t need to worry about it. I just  love my job, that’s all. By the way, if you hear me laughing or high-fiving people, just ignore  that.  

BRIN 

Why would you be high-fiving people? 

CHARLIE 

I just love my team, that’s all. So you downloaded the virus protection. 

BRIN 

Yes, your “Virus Assassin 3.”

CHARLIE 

Oh you got 3?! 

Charlie laughs again.  

Hey everybody I got a customer here who got Virus Assassin 3!  

Laughs and celebration from off-stage (or off-screen.) 

I know, right!? Wooo! 

BRIN 

Yeah, so I downloaded Virus Assassin 3 because it said it would take care of my viruses  permanently.

CHARLIE (chuckling to himself) 

Yeah it says that. Classic.  

BRIN 

But as soon as I installed it I started getting all these pop-ups. 

CHARLIE 

Yup! 

BRIN 

And they just say things like, “your computer is in danger!” Or this one “There are viruses  coming for your computer – they are stealing all of your information and writing emails to your  Mom blaming her for all the problems in your life.” I mean that’s really specific. My Mom  doesn’t even know she’s responsible for all the problems in my life. 

CHARLIE 

Amazing. 

BRIN 

So it seems like all Virus Assassin 3 does is just put pop-ups on my computer scaring me. 

CHARLIE 

Sometimes fear is the best motivator. 

BRIN 

But that’s basically what a virus does. 

CHARLIE 

Yup! 

BRIN 

So how is Virus Assassin 3 different than a virus?  

Charlie laughs.  

CHARLIE

Hey she’s asking how Virus Assassin 3 is different than a virus! 

More laughs and celebration off-stage.  

Yes you’re right. 

BRIN 

What am I right about?

CHARLIE 

Virus Assassin 3 is in fact a virus. Don’t get upset – it’s there to show you just how bad a virus  can be.  

BRIN 

But I paid for it!  

CHARLIE 

I know! You made a terrible mistake! You were completely fooled! That just shows you how  vulnerable you are to other viruses! 

BRIN 

It says it murders viruses!  

CHARLIE 

And it does! By becoming one of them! And now your computer is infected with Virus Assassin  3, which is totally about to beam all your credit card information to the Dark Web. 

BRIN 

The dark web?! 

CHARLIE 

Oh yeah! It’s scary. That’s why it’s called the Dark Web. Pretty soon organized crime in  Morocco is going to have access to all your contacts and will be calling your Grandma.