The Iliad, The Odyssey, and All of Greek Mythology in 99 minutes or less

I'm a cut down F1. Here are my roles: Jane, Oracle, Narrator, Andromache, Antenor, Trojan Commander, Noble steed, Eurydice, Announcer, Soldier, Circe, and Penelope

M1.

Hello, and welcome to…

F1.

Oh My God HE STARTED THE CLOCK!

M1.

I thought we should welcome the…

F1.

No time! Let’s GO!!!

Zeus.

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Jane.

No, thank you. So Zeus…big reputation to live up to tonight. How do you feel about tonight’s show?

Zeus.

…and if that means making an animal out of myself, then so be it!

Jane.

Thanks Zeus. We’re all looking forward to seeing you, whatever you look like.

Next up for the Olympians we’ve got a real tough cookie. Born the “cow-faced” daughter of Titan Cronus she’s the sister AND the wife of Zeus. She’s the protector of marriage. The cow and peacock are sacred to her. Here she comes. It’s HERA!!!

Hera.

Were you flirting with Zeus? I swear if you were I’ll smite you.

Jane.

No, no, honest. Hera, could we talk about tonight?

Hera.

She couldn’t be here tonight because she’s helping women in childbirth. Hi baby!

Jane.

Good for her! Good luck tonight.

Next up for the Greek squad: Zeus’ brothers. First, of course, he’s the tide shaper and wave maker, commonly called the “Earth-shaker.” And his brother; elusive, mysterious, hard to see because of his helmet of invisibility. Please welcome the Lord of the Sea and the King of the Dead…POSEIDON AND HADES!!!!!!!!!!

Poseidon.

Check me out world!!! Awesome!!!

Jane.

And here we have Death himself, Hades! How are you tonight?

Hades Voice.

Not to nitpick, bit I am not Death… that’s Thanatos. I am the King of the Dead.

Jane.

Rumor has it you’re an eligible bachelor. Any chance of taking off that helmet of invisibly to let the ladies see you?

OOH! Well, good luck on finding that special someone!

Now we’re going to Tom. Who have you found Tom?

Tom.

Let’s go back to Jane.

Jane.

Thanks Tom! With our next goddess comes beauty. The myrtle is her tree, the dove is her bird. Straight from the sea-foam, let’s give some love to the lovely laughter loving Goddess of Love and Beauty…APHRODITE!!!!!

Hephastus.

There you are my one true love.

Jane.

Ladies and Gentleman, this is Mr. Aphrodite, the God of Fire himself, Hephaestus.

Aphrodite.

Oh! And pearls too!

Jane.

Wow, Aphrodite, that was quite impressive.

Aphrodite.

Oops, look at the time, I have got to get ready for a wedding!!!

Jane.

Oh, who's getting married?

Aphrodite.

The sea nymph Thetis is marrying one of the first humans, King Peleus! I think I’ll wear white!

Jane.

We’ll look for you there.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Look, I believe it’s Ares, God of War!!!!

Thor.

Jah! Dats Me! I em Ee-rees, Gad uff Var, Jah!

Jane.

Hey wait a minute! You’re Thor. You’re a Norse God! Security! Wow. Can you believe that, Tom?

Tom.

Oh that Thor! Sadly, we’ve just been notified that the real Ares, can’t be here right now, he’s preparing for the Trojan war.

Jane.

That’s a shame Tom, but really nice foreshadowing again.

Tom.

He keeps pretty unpleasant company like his sister Discord and her son Strife and the Goddess of War, Enyo.

Jane.

Oh, I hate her music! It’s so annoying…anya-hood-oo, enya-frodo, whatever.

Zeus.

And you will do it in an entertaining and fully committed manner, that may even be mentioned in the review.

She’s going to do the death scene, cool

This is the most exciting part of the show!

Awesome

Death scene!

Move over I want to see this.

May or may not have this Greek Chorus stuff (page 38-39)

All as Greek Chorus.

This is the story of Dionysus and the King of Thebes.

We are the Maenads, the madwomen! We worship Dionysus in the wild. We follow him everywhere, frenzied with wine, dancing and singing. We are the madwomen!

We have followed Dionysus to the city Thebes, where his mother Semele was overacting when she died.

King Pentheus of Thebes does not like Dionysus or the crazed dancing and singing of the madwomen!

And so he ordered the guards to seize us!

…

That's history, not Mythology!

Pentheus/You’re no God!

Dionysus/Yes I am.

Pentheus/No you’re not!

Dionysus/Your mother believes me.

Pentheus/I’m going to chase you!

Dionysus/I tried to warn you

All as Greek Chorus.

We saw Pentheus and thought he was a wild beast and pounced upon him and tore him limb from limb, because we are the madwomen!

Achilles.

…so I said, “Sorry, Oedipus. I don’t think Hallmark even makes a card for that!” Oh look, an Oracle.

Oracle.

Beware Warriors!

If you go to war, then You, Odysseus, shall not return home for 20 years!

…and YOU, Achilles shall die young!

…and YOU! You shall find true love, but it will cost you every bit of your self-esteem and most of your tax refund!

…and you! You shall successfully steal cable but lose your remote control!

…and YOU! You will order Diet Coke and McDonald’s, but you will receive Regular Coke!

Achilles.

That’s enough!

Oracle.

…and you will be singled out as the weak spot in the show.

Achilles.

The winds keep blowing us back to port! We cannot sail! Why is this Oracle?

Oracle.

Agamemnon killed Artemis’ favorite deer. She will only be appeased by the sacrifice of his daughter Iphigenia.

Agamemnon.

Oracle, what is causing this plague?

Oracle.

It’s Chrissyus. You have to give her back.

Zeus.

No more Gods fighting on either side. I mean it this time.

Narrator.

With the Gods sitting out, BOOK SIX! Diomedes and Glaukos approach across the battlefield during the truce.

Glaukos.

Wow, I got screwed on that one.

Narrator.

Meanwhile, Hector was back in Troy where he finds Paris relaxing with Helen.

Hector.

You never stop, do you? I gotta go see my wife, Andromache.

Andromache.

Oh, Hector! Can’t you just stop fighting? You are all the family I have left! The Greeks killed all my brothers… and my uncles… and my cousins too… And some second cousin-in-law I didn’t even know I had… And they even killed that guy that kind of looked like me so everyone thought we were related, but we weren’t, although I always wondered because there was that time my father went away on business…

Hector.

He’s calculated every possible angle and scenario and has come up with a plan to ensure a Trohan victory.

Antenor.

Give Helen Back.

Paris.

Wait a minute! Can’t we just give them an XBOX 360?! An XBOX CCCLX.

Antenor.

Worth a shot. I’ll take the offer to Agamemnon.

Hera.

“Don’t even think about it. Love Zeus.” Poop.

Narrator.

BOOK NINE! The Greek army was in disarray and even wise old Nestor was losing faith.

Nestor.

I think we should swallow our pride and send Odysseus and Achilles and get him back in the battle.

Narrator.

Odysseus presented the case for returning to battle in the classic oratorical form, first with the opening statement, known as the Exordium.

Odysseus.

It is a privilege to be in your tent, to gaze upon your noble countenance, to smell your… earthly aroma.

Narrator.

Next, Odysseus presented the Narratio.

Odysseus.

Ad you may know, our army is in peril of defeat. We need our best warrior.

Narrator.

Then Odysseus wrapped up his presentation with the Conformatio, also known as the Domo Arrigato Mister Roboto.

Odysseus.

Agamemnon is offering you a real sweet deal, so whattaya’ say?

Narrator.

Achilles responded with the classic oratorical reply known as the Maximo Refuto.

Achilles.

Maybe I’ll order pizza tonight.

Narrator.

BOOK TWELVE! The Trojans continued to push the Greeks back when a Trojan Commander spotted something in the sky.

Trojan Commander.

Look! An eagle with a snake in it’s talons! It’s an omen of defeat for us!

Trojan Soldier #2.

No, it’s a sigh the Gods are displeased with our sacrifices.

Trojan Commander.

No, you’re thinking of an eagle with a fish in its talons. That means the Gods are displeased.

Hector.

It’s tradition and we’re going to do it!

Narrator.

BOOK SEVENTEEN!

Hector.

You will not take this body, Greek swine!

Narrator.

The Greeks prevailed and took back poor Patroklos. BOOK EIGHTEEN! Achilles is told of Patroklos’ death.

Achilles.

Why, I remember when we were just young lads frolicking in the fields and we’d…

Narrator.

And so Thetis, seeing her son…

Achilles.

I drew on my emotional reserves. I used my sense memory!

Narrator.

Great. Time limit! So! Thetis sees her son’s distress…

Achilles.

Oh faithful companion. How is it that you allowed valiant Patroklos to die while at your side?

Noble Steed.

Easy champ! First of all, he wasn’t by my side. He was on top of me, okay? Second of all, what was I supposed to do? Fight hand to hand? Do you see any opposable thumbs here?

Achilles.

You should have carried him away. Patroklos was like a brother to me. I remember when we were just lads frolicking…

Noble Steed. (as actor)

I will kill you myself!

M2-Narrator.

BOOK TWENTY THREE! That night, Achilles dreamt of his friend Patroklos and there was a funeral. My horses were burned…don’t ask.

Oracle.

BOOK TWENTY FOUR: THE FINAL BOOK! Zeus sends Hermes with Priam to reason with Achilles.

M3/Hermes/Priam.

Hooray!

Oracle.

So there was a feast and a truce and Achilles learned an important lesson about humility and forgiveness. Thus, ends the Iliad.

Achilles.

That’s the end? I’m still alive? Ha! In your face, Oracle!!

Oracle.

However, one day later you die, when Paris shoots you with an arrow, which Apollo guides into your heel, which is your one vulnerable spot because…

Achilles.

…because that’s where my mother held me when she dipped me in the River Styx to make me invulnerable…

Oracle.

…which of course was the origin of the phrase…

Achilles.

…ACHILLES HEEL.

Oracle.

Mama’s boy.

Achilles.

If I die, then I’m takin’ a death scene! I remember when…

Oracle.

No. That’s the end of Act 1…I see in your future…Intermission!

Exploitatis.

So kids. tell us about your date.

Eurydice.

Okay, so he’s a musician, which is totally hot, and he plays this awesome lyre! I mean, we were in this bar and these dudes were fighting and Orpheus started playing and they totally stopped and just chilled.

Exploitatis.

Bummer.

Eurydice.

But he totally came and played the lyre until Cerberus went to sleep - all three heads!

Orpheus.

“Look, I’m back!” so of course I looked back and…

Eurydice.

Dude, I said, “Don’t look back, I’m not all the way up yet!”

Orpheus.

No you said, “Look.”

Eurydice.

There! You see! He did it again. You looked! He’s a looker!

Exploitatis.

But that’s okay. I’m sure we’ll have better luck on the next episode of Agape Connection!

Announcer.

Welcome to the final episode of…Greek Hero Idol!! Over the last 26 weeks our judges Zeus, Hera & Aphrodite have been auditioning the finest myths, legends and archetypes that Greece has to offer and we are now down to the final contestants!

Odysseus.

Okay!

Soldier.

Explain it to me again.

Odysseus.

Okay. We’re building this big horse and were going to leave it here and all the ships are going to sail out of sight, except most of us are actually going to hide inside the horse.

Soldier.

I get that part.

Odysseus.

When the Trojans see us retreating, they run down here to see what’s going on and destroy everything left behind.

Soldier.

I get that too. But where am I again?

Odysseus.

We leave you behind.

Soldier.

See that’s what I thought you said. SO you’re telling me the Trojans are going to destroy everything left behind, and what’s left behind is ME…

Odysseus.

…and the Horse.

Soldier.

AND MEEEEEE!!!!

Odysseus.

Just tell them the story I told you!

Soldier.

Oh yeah…that’ll work!

Trojan Officer.

What’s with the Big Hollow Wooden Horse and why are you here alone???

Soldier.

It’s for Athena! The Greeks quit and hoped you would destroy it and bring a curse on yourself. I didn’t want any part of it, so I escaped before they set sail.

Trojan Officer.

What was that sneeze?

Soldier.

Achoo!

Trojan Officer.

And what’s this extremely obvious hatch in the belly?

Soldier.

That’s where the Greeks put the really big, hard to move, sacred… uhm… stuff… they wanted you to destroy.

Trojan Officer.

Oh right.

Soldier.

Aww… c’mon! I knew it!

Dont know if this is what we will be doing

Man.

Isn’t that fruit salad with the jello and marshmallows?

All.

I love that stuff. It’s great! I wish we had some right now.

Odysseus.

Let’s row guys.

Circe.

Yoo-hoo! Hello sailors!

Odysseus.

Verily then, go on ashore!

Circe.

Life is but a dream!

Odysseus.

Cool. Hail Circe!

Circe.

Yes. I’ve been waiting for you.

Odysseus.

Hah! Where are my men?

Circe.

They’re pigs!

Odysseus.

I know, but where are they?

Circe.

No really. I turned them into pigs. If you want them back, you’ll have to make love to me everyday for the next year!

Odysseus.

Well. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do! One year later. Now help us get home?

Circe.

I can only tell you how to find the blind prophet Tiresias. He can tell you what you need to do to get home.

Old Dog.

I would leap to my feet if I could, but now, with my last doggy breath, I give the affection due to you master.

Penelope.

Who has thrown this old beggar in the dung? Have none of you respect for those less fortunate than yourself?

Suitor.

Then we shall be kind to those who serve us.

Penelope.

Poop on you!

Sad old beggar. I am sorry these men have treated you so badly.

Odysseus.

They insist you choose a suitor.

Penelope.

I choose Odysseus. Dead or alive he is better than all these men. I wait as long as I must and pray my son grows strong enough to defend himself.

Odysseus.

Yet they insist. Your life is in danger now as well.

Penelope.

I have a plan. I shall announce that I shall only marry the man who can string Odysseus’ now and shoot and arrow through the handles of 12 axes. Only Odysseus can do that, so I shall not have to choose.

Odysseus.

Good plan.

Penelope.

Thank you.

Good night.

Odysseus.

Penelope. It is I, Odysseus.

Penelope.

How can I be sure? You look exactly the same as when you left. Even better in fact, but that was about 20 years ago.

Odysseus.

Surely the Goddess Athena has made us appear to each other as we dreamt for our reunion.

Penelope.

I’m still not sure.

Odysseus.

What do I have to do to convince you it is me?

Penelope.

There are several tests I have to prove you are the true Odysseus and not a Faux-dysseus. Blood sample, DNA, urine and stool…

I shall have my bed moved to a room for you, while I think.

Odysseus.

If you move any bed, it is not the bed I built.

Penelope.

Odysseus, it’s you!!! I knew only the true
Odysseus would know about our bed! I love you so!

M1.

The Odyssey,

All.

And All of Greek Mythology! in 99 minutes or less.