Get Smart Agent 99 Cue Lines and Lines

All of Agent 99's cue lines + lines in the Get Smart play by Christopher Sergel

SMART: They did win a double header.

99: (softly) That’s right — they won both games.

SMART: I know — I know. Stupid ball team — you can’t even count on them to lose.

99: You don’t understand. The score was ninety-nine to eighty-six.

SMART: That’s ridiculous. Baseball scores are never — uh — oh —— 99?

99: (nodding and pointing to him) 86?

SMART: Say — you’re a girl.

99: (pleased) You noticed.

SMART: As a matter of fact —— Have you noticed anything suspicious, 99?

99: (bothered) So many suspicious things it’s making me — well, suspicious.

SMART: Could you give that to me again, 99?

99: It’s almost as though they’re wanting us to suspect.

SMART: They’re beginning to slip up, that’s all. They’ve kidnapped too many blondes out of this one area.

99: That’s what I mean.

SMART: I better check in with 44 at the University, then get over to the Hotel Cramley before — hold it.

99: (hushed) What is it?

SMART: There’s someone observing us. Take a look.

99: Where?

SMART: Don’t turn around. Look in my mirror cuff links.

99: Who is he?

SMART: Probably part of a reception committee from KAOS.

99: What are you going to do?

SMART: You divert him for just a moment. While I use my locker key.

99: Pardon me, sir, but could you tell me where I’ll find platform seven?

SMART: Okay, I think we better get going. There’s something v-e-r-y interesting I want to show you.

99: This way?

SMART: This way.

99: And you’ll show me something v-e-r-y interesting?

SMART: I better dial again. There’s no answer from 44.

99: (worried) 44 must be there. He’s the only one on guard now at the laboratory!

SMART: If he’s allowed himself to be decoyed away from the Inthermo, I’ll break him!

99: But you’re in charge. He’d never move — not without direct orders from you.

SMART: I wish I could change places with you, but I have to guard some blonde Scandinavian princess.

99: Warn him to be careful. I’m sure KAOS is planning something major.

SMART: Excuse me.

99: Quite all right, 86 — Mr. Smart — Max.

SMART: We’re on duty, 99.

99: (embarrassed) Yes, 86. Of course, 86. (All business.) If you’d like to go out to the University to help 44, I’m sure I can manage with Princess Ingrid.

SMART: The Chief figures I’m the only one who can deal with Princess Ingrid.

99: (admiring) He must have tremendous confidence in you.

SMART: Let’s get over to the Cramley.

99: I’ve a hunch those four kidnapped blondes may still be in the vicinity.

SMART: The door’s open.

99: No security at all.

PRINCESS: I’ll be out in a moment.

99: I remember the briefing now. You knew the Princess before.

SMART: We met five years ago, when she was here with her father and I — uh —

99: Saved his life.

SMART: It was one of my good days.

99: What’s the Princess like?

SMART: Last time I saw her was five years ago. She was a sweet, freckle-faced fifteen-year-old kid.

99: She won’t want to sit around. What do you plan to do with her?

SMART: Show her the sights — places of historical significance.

99: What if she isn’t interested?

SMART: How are you, Ingrid? You haven’t changed a bit.

99: (out of the corner of her mouth to SMART, dubiously) She must have been some fifteen-year-old.

PRINCESS: (dismayed) Monuments, shrines ——

99: Careful, 86.

PRINCESS: (slumping into chair) It sounds like fun.

99: I’ve never heard of the place.

PRINCESS: A bit of paper.

99: (puzzled) Why would there be fortune cookies here?

PRINCESS: Right. Oh, Max — this is irresistible. We must go!

99: (pulling SMART aside) There’s something wrong, 86 — or the Hotel Cramley owns a piece of the Fortune Cookie Club.

PRINCESS: Max — really!

99: (concerned) She’s pretty excited about ——

PRINCESS: I see. Agent 99. I’d appreciate it if you’d get my green coat. You’ll find it in one of the closets.

99: Yes, of course.

SMART: First we’ll visualize the fascinating place, the Smithsonian. Think of early airplanes, antique automobiles, out-of-date typewriters, eighteenth-century weapons —— Are you seeing it?

99: Can’t find any green —— (Stops as she doesn’t see princess.)

SMART: I tell you, Princess, just thinking about all those antiquated museum pieces, my heart starts thumping!

99: (stunned) She’s gone! 86, she’s gone!

SMART: Impossible!

99: 86 — the Princess isn’t here!

SMART: You don’t suppose KAOS could’ve ——

99: She went of her own accord.

SMART: What makes you think ——

99: There was no green coat. (Pointing to poster.) She slipped out to go to the Fortune Cookie Club.

SMART: Mr. Big!

99: (her lips forming the words, horrified) Mr. Big!

MR. BIG: Ten days ago.

99: (whispering) This is bad trouble. We better make a dash for the Fortune Cookie Club before ——

SMART: KAOS has the four blondes!

99: (unhappily) That’s the breaks, 86. Our mission is to protect Princess Ingrid and guard the — you know.

SMART: Torture?

99: (anxiously) He wouldn’t really use torture?

SMART: You better listen, too. It’s grim!

99: (hesitating) They’re not really ——

JILL: Just as I was beginning to enjoy myself.

99: (trying to comfort SMART) There was nothing else you could do, 86 — nothing.

MR. BIG: Phase Five.

99: If there was only some way we could protect Princess Ingrid against those fiends, but KAOS has thought of everything.

SMART: Not everything, 99.

99: But we don’t dare move.

SMART: They may have us pinned down, but they overlooked one essential detail.

99: What detail?

SMART: They’ve slipped up badly.

99: How?

CHIEF: A KAOS trap?

99: Mr. Big is directing the operation himself.

CHIEF: If it’s really Mr. Big, then there’s no question — KAOS is going all out.

99: They’ve decoyed Princess Ingrid to the Fortune Cookie Club.

MISS FINCH: Standing by emergency alert.

99: (uneasily) 86 was under great pressure, Chief.

CHIEF: What tortured girls?

99: The four kidnapped blondes.

CHIEF: Maybe they wanted you to pull 44 away from his post.

99: (clutching his arm) Oh, 86!

HODGKINS: What was that?

99: Who spoke?

13: My hunch — Brazil.

99: (pleading with telephone) Come in, Max — hear my call — oh, please, it’s important — come in, come in, wherever you are ——

SMART: What number are you calling, please?

99: (urgently) The number I’m calling? I’m trying to reach — well — 86.

SMART: That number has been temporarily — Who’s trying to reach 86?

99: This is 99.

SMART: This is 86.

99: Max! (Faintly indignant as she collects herself.) What took you so long to answer?

SMART: Did you ever try taking off a shoe inside a trash can?

99: Trash can? You think you have to hide from Chief in a trash can?

SMART: Who’s hiding? I’m still on the job.

99: But a trash — (Shrugs. Who knows?) Have you come up with anything, 86?

SMART: Most college students are going to die of lung cancer. There’s at least four inches of cigarette butts on the bottom of this ——

99: (impatiently) Anything else? Something I could mention to the Chief? I’ll be seeing him in a few minutes.

SMART: I’ll be seeing him pretty quick myself.

99: (delighted) You have come up with something!

SMART: Actually — the only other thing is a fortune cookie.

99: (decidedly let down, but makes the best of it) Well, see what it says — maybe it's good luck.

SMART: Some Chinese place putting out recipes.

99: (back to business) Listen, 86. I’m doing something a little crazy, and you’ve got to know. What it is — I want to show the Chief — I mean, prove that — that anyone can make a mistake.

SMART: You can tell me about it later.

99: I better tell you right now ——

SMART: Right now I have company.

99: In the trash can? (Takes a breath, uneasy at situation.) Then I have to go ahead without telling you. Good luck, 86.

CHIEF: The President put it stronger to me —— over this!

99: He expects us to recover Princess Ingrid — momentarily.

CHIEF: Or the Scandinavians blow the lid off! Meanwhile KAOS could be getting ready to use the Inthermo!

99: 86 will stop them.

CHIEF: I haven’t seen or talked to that idiot since he ran out of here yesterday.

99: Running out to do something.

CHIEF: Until you said that, I didn’t think things could possibly get worse.

99: Chief, he has a magnificent record. You told me yourself.

CHIEF: What’s that?

99: Listen — carefully.

CHIEF: Can’t stand it?

99: What do you think, Chief?

CHIEF: Killing! I better find out ——

99: (sharply) Chief — wait!

CHIEF: There’s something terrible ——

99: (darting around to the Chief’s side of the desk) You’re leaving your desk unguarded.

CHIEF: What are you talking about? I’ve got to find out ——

99: (snatching folder from desk and holding it aloft) While you find out, I get your top secret folder — for your eyes only. Suppose I was from KAOS?

CHIEF: Have you lost your mind? What’s happening?

99: (flipping switch on desk intercom) Hodgkins — switch the sound from the earphones to the speaker.

CHIEF: Hodgkins — cut that noise, and get in here!

99: (leaning over toward intercom) And bring the blondes.

CHIEF: The blondes —— Yes — bring the blondes. Now you’re going to explain, and I mean right now!

99: (retreating around desk) We had the four kidnapped girls here to tape descriptions of the KAOS personnel.

CHIEF: Routine. What I want to know ——

99: (gulping quickly) What I thought — as long as they were here, why not re-create the conditions of the KAOS trap — so we’ll have a better understanding of the ——

CHIEF: What you thought — you’d prove I could be just as big an idiot as Smart!

99: (conciliatory) All I meant, Chief — any humane man——

CHIEF: This is a crisis, 99!

99: (uncowed) That’s why you should keep our best agent on the case. (Before the CHIEF can reply.) Maybe he’ll get lucky again.

CHIEF: What do you think?

99: (as LAURA flinches) He’s one of the good guys, but right now he’s in a bad temper.

CHIEF: I heard.

99: (apologetic) I’m sorry if this experiment wasted even a few minutes, Chief, but I think it demonstrates how KAOS ——

CHIEF: 86! My hunch was he’d gone to Brazil.

99: Never!

SMART: Probably you’d call it hard work and shrewd deduction, but I’d just call it luck.

99: (delighted) I knew it!

CHIEF: Let me see it.

99: (to SMART) What sort of cover am I supposed to ——

CHIEF: (exploding) Off day!

99: (diverting CHIEF to MISS FINCH) Chief, Miss Finch may have news.

VOICE: KAOS answering CONTROL. KAOS answering CONTROL. We read you loud and clear. We read you loud and clear.

99: (stunned) KAOS!

SHIRLEY WONG: Won’t you sit here, please.

99: (nervously) Quite nice, really.

SMART: I’m crazy about Chinese food.

99: (as she sits, apprehensively) There don’t seem to be any other customers.

BETSY WONG: Your menus.

99: Thank you.

SMART: Notice the fortune cookies? Exactly like the one I found in the trash can.

99: (hushed) It had some kind of recipe.

SMART: But it wasn’t a recipe. It was a formula.

99: And that’s how they transmit —— (Catching herself and pointing at menu.) Paradise Chicken with pineapple looks good.

SMART: I was thinking of shrimps in black bean sauce —— You’re right. That’s how they transmit. Who checks on the international flow of fortune cookies? I’m sure this is a KAOS front.

99: Notice anything special?

SMART: Something a little peculiar about the fourth Chinese waitress.

99: (without turning) What did you notice that’s peculiar?

SMART: I noticed that the fourth Chinese waitress is a blue-eyed blonde.

99: (concerned) When this is over, you should take a real vacation, Max. (Glances casually at INGRID, then back to SMART.) We’ll both need a real vacation.

SMART: Let’s recapitulate the basic plan.

99: Synchronize timers?

MARY WONG: Tie their hands. Make them as uncomfortable as possible.

99: (during this, regretfully) I was beginning to want some of that Paradise Chicken.

SMART: Not me — shrimps.

99: What I love are those undercooked pea pods, bamboo shoots, water chestnuts ——