Appropriate audience behavior

lines

ANNOUNCEMENT. Hello. And welcome to the Albertson Theater’s

production of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet. We hope that you enjoy the

show. It should be common knowledge that there is no talking, picture-

taking, or use of cellular phones during the performance. However, through

previews this has been an issue. I’m not sure why. Maybe the internet and

our cell phones are turning us all into a society of self-centered idiots? But

that’s just speculation. The point is, there has been a lot of talking, and cell

phone use, and a lot of weird coughing fits. It’s really been humanity at its

worst. So let me say this one more time so that everyone understands. You

cannot talk or text or take pictures or do anything that would draw attention

to yourselves for any reason. Okay? There are real people on stage in front

of you—real, hardworking actors who can hear you if you talk or fiddle

with your phone. So please. Don’t do it. Okay? Even if you’re bored, even

if you think talking would make the play more interesting, I promise you it

won’t. It will make it worse. It always makes it worse. So please just . . .

shut up. And enjoy the show. Thank you.

Queue line: Okay, but I got a question.

My line: Nope! See, this is what I was worried about. There’s

no questions during a live performance.

Queue line: But what if I don’t know what’s going on?!

My line: Then sit quietly and ask someone during

intermission. Or look at your program, a synopsis of the play has been

written out for you.

Queue line: Can I use a flashlight to read my program?

My line: ANNOUNCEMENT. No! You can’t! Just . . . sit! And don’t talk. That’s all

you have to do, okay?

(THERESA starts to sit down. But stops midway. She raises her hand

and stands.)

My line: No! No questions! Why do you think you can ask

questions now? This is a pre-show announcement, not a Q&A. So just . . .

sit. Siiiit. There we go.

Queue line: (THERESA sits down.)

My line: Now, without further delay we present . . . Hamlet.

Enjoy the show.

Queue line: TONY. WOOOOO!!!!!

My line: Quietly! Enjoy the show quietly!

AUGDEN’S LINES

Queue line: ASHLEY. Uh, sir.

My line: this silly seat’s broken!

Queue line: Well, regardless—

My line: I mean, you see this right?! This is what my taxes pay for?

Queue line: I don’t think your taxes pay for this.

my line: Not yet!

Queue line: ASHLEY. Can you just . . . keep it down? And make the best of it.

My line: Easy for you to say! You’ve clearly got the Rolls Royce of seats

while I’m stuck with this . . . Kia Sorento!

Queue line: Hey, I have a Kia Sorento, they’re not so bad.

My line: Compared to a Rolls Royce, they are terrible!

Queue line: Look, why don’t we just switch seats?

My line: You say that now, but once your butt feels this minefield of

awful, you’ll be begging me to switch back!

Queue line: I’ll just endure it. Really. I have an uncomfortable chair at work,

so I’m sure I won’t mind.

My line: Well . . . okay. Your funeral.

Queue line: What are you doing?!!

My line: Freakin’ . . . fibbing . . . liar!

Queue line: Would you stop—

My line: This seat’s worse than the last one!

Queue line: Okay, but—

My line: See, you pulled a real switcheroo on me! Pulled the goddamned

wool over my sheep eyes!

Queue line: I didn’t—

My line: Well, I’m not a sheep! And I never will be!

Queue line: Would you just leave?!

My line: No! My taxes paid for this ticket, and I’m gonna sit here ’cause

that’s my right!

Queue line: No, they didn’t . . . do you understand taxes!?

My line: I understand they’re too high! And that I have to pay ’em! And

that—I hate that!

Queue line: Look, either switch seats with me again or just . . . sit there and

take it.

My line: Fine, give me my old seat back. It may feel like a bag of rocks,

but it’s not like this nightmare

Queue line: Fine!

My line:none

Queue line: What are you doing?!

This seat is way worse! I don’t know what “devil woman” mind

tricks you just pulled on me to make me switch seats but it feels like knives

now!

Queue line: Maybe you should just leave.

My line: Fine! Fine! If that’s how you feel . . . well then . . . we’ll just

see how my congressman feels when I tell him how my taxes are being

spent!

Queue line: He’s not gonna tell you anything, because your taxes don’t pay

for this theater, you nut job!

My line: Not yet, but they will!