PPt

$Let’s start with your name shall we? Your real name.$

Emma

$Emma. Good. How are you feeling?$

Like my insides have been scrubbed with bleach.

$Right. Vivid. Emma, before you join the Group I need to get some historical context for your using.$

That A led to B and therefore C

$Exactly$

Beginning, middle, end.

$Isn’t that how life works?$

No

$How does life work? I can’t give you a letter for work Emma. Not until you’ve completed the programme.$

The twenty eight days

$At least$

Thing is, I came here to get everything out of my system and now I have, nearly and I really feel like I’m ready to get back out into the real world

$You’ve addressed the chemical hooks but not the central cause of your addiction.$

Which is?

$Trauma. You’ve done the first stage you/may as well$

I can leave when I want, right?

$Absolutely / but$

great, thanks. This has been fun. I’ve changed. I’ll never use again. Brownie’s honour. Bye

$You can leave us now thanks Foster. Sit down$

You even sound like my mother

You even sound like my mother

I don’t know if that’s your copy or Foster’s but I’ve made some corrections

$Corrections?$

Amendments. Notes and things. Have you actually read this thing?

$Emma the programme works for a lot of / people$

Except you don’t know that nobody does.

Except you don’t know that nobody does.

It’s all anonymous, there’s nothing evidence based it’s just / anecdotal, so

$Emma, you asked for my / help$

If it’s vital to my recovery that I come to believe in a power / greater than me

If it’s vital to my recovery that I come to believe in a power / greater than me

to turn my will and my life over to God and have Him remove my defects of character,

to turn my will and my life over to God and have Him remove my defects of character,

if this all depends on me having a spiritual awakening then we might all just be wasting our time

$We’re not$

I think we might be

$You’re worried about the steps$

I’m worried that a trained medical professional can also wear a crucifix

$I don’t believe the scientific method disproves the / existence of$

such a boring conversation of course it does of course it fucking does.

such a boring conversation of course it does of course it fucking does.

I really need you to be cleverer than this. I really need you to at least match me intellectually because otherwise I’m only going to leave and if I leave I don’t know if

I really need you to be cleverer than this. I really need you to at least match me intellectually because otherwise I’m only going to leave and if I leave I don’t know if

I’m not powerless. I’m not helpless.

I’m not powerless. I’m not helpless.

I don’t believe addiction is a disease and I’m scared and angered by the suggestion that from now on it’s either eternal abstinence or binge to death.

I don’t believe addiction is a disease and I’m scared and angered by the suggestion that from now on it’s either eternal abstinence or binge to death.

I can’t surrender to a higher power because there isn’t one. There just isn’t. And you, as someone who lives in the twenty first century should know that.

$I see a lot of clever people in here….. Does that sound / familiar?$

You want me to conceptualise a universe in which I am the sole agent of my destiny and at the same time acknowledge my absolute powerlessness.

You want me to conceptualise a universe in which I am the sole agent of my destiny and at the same time acknowledge my absolute powerlessness.

It’s a fatal contradiction and I won’t start building foundations on a flawed premise.

$That’s not a fair / characterisation of$

There is no meaning to anything. There are no beginnings, middles and ends.

There is no meaning to anything. There are no beginnings, middles and ends.

I am not the product of the decisions I’ve made or the things that have happened to me. I will not be reduced to that.

$I’m not / suggesting$

If I tell you I was sexually abused or the child of alcoholics, if I tell you I returned from back to back tours of Iraq and started to self medicate wouldn’t that all just be a massive simplification of the complexity of just being a human fucking person?

$Were you?$

Was I what?

$Sexually abused$

That’s not

$Because we’ll also have to do a full sexual / history$

You’re not listening to what I’m saying

You’re not listening to what I’m saying

I first got drunk with my brother when I was eleven and he was ten. I stole three bottles of communion wine and when I vomited it looked like blood. Is this the kind of thing you want to hear?

$Is it the truth?$

No, I never had a brother.

$Do you lie to protect yourself or your addiction?$

It’s not lying it’s admitting there’s no truth to begin with. Have you read Foucault?

$Not lately$

Or Derrida? Baudrillard? Barthes?

$You’re an addict because of Post Modernism?$

I chose this place because it’s ugly and grey and in the middle of a car park and I can look out on the traffic and homeless people and remind myself that the world is just purposeless chaos.

I chose this place because it’s ugly and grey and in the middle of a car park and I can look out on the traffic and homeless people and remind myself that the world is just purposeless chaos.

I need something definitive. I need to be fixed.

$It doesn’t work like that. It’s a long term / daily$

I don’t do long term

$Have you heard the expression ‘powerless over nouns’?$

Nouns? As in?

$People, places and things$

You mean like Facebook?

$Excuse me?$

On Facebook the search box says

$I’m not on Facebook$

No. No nor am I really. I have a profile but I hardly ever

$When you’re in recovery,$

Back in the real world.

$You’ll need to find a way to handle being in those places. With those people$

And those things

And those things

I find reality pretty difficult

I find reality pretty difficult

And I wish I could feel otherwise. I wish I could be like you. Or my mother.

And I wish I could feel otherwise. I wish I could be like you. Or my mother.

To feel that some things are predetermined and meaningful and that we’re somewhere on a track between the start and finish lines.

To feel that some things are predetermined and meaningful and that we’re somewhere on a track between the start and finish lines.

But I can’t because I care about what’s true. What’s actually, verifiably true. You’re able to forfeit rationality for a comforting untruth so how are you supposed to help me?

But I can’t because I care about what’s true. What’s actually, verifiably true. You’re able to forfeit rationality for a comforting untruth so how are you supposed to help me?

You’re looking at the world through such a tight filter you’re barely living in it. You’re barely alive.

$You talk about your mother a lot.$

Drugs and alcohol have never let me down. They have always loved me. There are substances I can put into my bloodstream that make the world perfect. That is the only absolute truth in the universe.

Drugs and alcohol have never let me down. They have always loved me. There are substances I can put into my bloodstream that make the world perfect. That is the only absolute truth in the universe.

I’m being difficult because you want to take it away from me so. Sorry

$If we don’t bond with people, particularly parents, we seek a connection elsewhere. Drugs. Alcohol.$

God.

$Denial. Denial is what kills you.$

I’m not good in groups.