ALMOST MAINE DEENA

SHELLY. I believe you, Deen, I’m just sayin’—

DEENA. It was bad, Shell. Bad.

SHELLY. I hear ya, b//ut—

DEENA. But you’re not listenin’, // Shelly: It was bad! >

-

DEENA. Real bad, historical-bad!

SHELLY. (Topping Deena.) I’m tryin’ to tell you that I had a pretty bad time myself!!

DEENA. (Taking this in; then.) No. There’s no way—!

SHELLY. It was pretty bad, Deena.

DEENA. Really.

SHELLY. Yeah.

DEENA. Okay. Go.

SHELLY. (This is a little painful.) He—… He said he didn’t like the way I smelled.

DEENA. What?!?

SHELLY. Todd told me he didn’t like the way I smelled. Never has.

DEENA. (Takes this in.) Todd Dunleavy^1 told you that he didn’t // like the way.

SHELLY. Yeah.

DEENA. When?

SHELLY. When he picked me up. I got in his truck—we were backin’ outta my driveway—and all of a sudden, he starts breathin’ hard—hyper-hyper—(Searches for but can’t find “ventilating”.)//breathin’—

DEENA. (Finds the word Shelly can’t.) Ventilating.

SHELLY. -ventilating, yeah, and he stops and he gets outta the truck and says he’s sorry, but he can’t go out with me ’cause he doesn’t like the way I smell, never has!

DEENA. What, never has? When has he smelled you before?

SHELLY. I don’t know, around

DEENA. Well, jeez!

SHELLY. Anyway, he said he thought he was gonna be able to overlook it—the way that I smelled—but that that wasn’t gonna be possible after all, because he couldn’t breathe, somethin’ about allergic, >

DEENA. Allergic?

SHELLY. And he said it wasn’t me—it wasn’t me!—it was somethin’ about “the women” and “the // lengths” we go to—

DEENA. What?, “The women”?!?

SHELLY. Yeah, and “the lengths” we go to to // smell nice, >

DEENA. “The lengths” we-

SHELLY. And he said that whatever it is I use to smell nice // just doesn’t smell nice-

DEENA. Oh, like, perfume!

SHELLY. Yeah—just doesn’t smell very nice to him, no offense, and he slammed the door on me and left me sittin’ right there in my driveway. In his truck.

DEENA. (Taking this in.) ’Cause he didn’t like the way you smelled?!?

SHELLY. Yeah.

DEENA. Wait, you don’t even use any kind of perfume, do you?

SHELLY. No! // No!

DEENA. Well, what the—?

SHELLY. (Little beat.)

I don’t mind the way you smell.

SHELLY. Thanks.

DEENA. Matter of fact I think you smell great!

SHELLY. Thanks

 (Little beat.)

Anyway, he said he’d come back and pick his truck up tomorrow and would I mind please rollin’ down the windows for him to air it out overnight.

DEENA. What?! There’s nothin’ to air out! >

SHELLY. I know!

DEENA. Todd has issues!

SHELLY. Yeah.

(Little beat. Suddenly Deena starts to leave, with purpose.)

What are you doin’?

DEENA. Doin’ somethin’ to his truck.

SHELLY. Deen!

DEENA. (Grabbing Shelly.) We’re doin’ somethin’ to his truck. >

SHELLY. Deen!

DEENA. We are!

SHELLY. We’re not doin’ nothin’ to his truck! Relax!

DEENA. Jerk. He should be so lucky, gettin’ to go out with you.

SHELLY. Nah.

DEENA. Yeah.

SHELLY. Anyway: Pretty bad, huh?

DEENA. Yeah. And a little sad, too.

SHELLY. Yeah.

(Little beat.)

So, I’m guessin’ that I’m the big winner tonight, huh?, And so I get to pick tomorrow, and I pick bowlin’. We’ll go bowlin’, supper at the Snowmobile Club, couple of beers at the Moose Paddy, hang out.

DEENA. I didn’t say you’re the big winner.

SHELLY. What?

DEENA. Did I say you’re the big winner?

SHELLY. No, but-

DEENA. No. All that’s pretty sad, Shell, and bad, but you didn’t win.

SHELLY. What do you mean?

DEENA. You didn’t win.

SHELLY. Well, then:

DEENA. Mine’s face broke.

SHELLY. (Takes this in.) What?

DEENA. His face broke.

SHELLY. (Trying to comprehend.) His—

DEENA. Face broke, yeah.

(Little beat.) 

Told you it was bad.

(Beat.)

SHELLY. How did his… face break?

DEENA. When we were dancin’.

SHELLY. Dancin’? Darren LeMans^2 took you dancin’?!?

DEENA. Yeah.

SHELLY. Down to the Rec Center?!

DEENA. Yeah.

SHELLY. Oh, that’s nice! // That’s nice! >

DEENA. Yeah, was. Till his face broke.

SHELLY. What happened?

DEENA. Well, we did that thing they have where you pay, you get a lesson, and then you dance all night. They teach “together dancing,” how to dance together

SHELLY. Aww, that’s nice!, That’s fun!

DEENA. Yeah, and we learned that thing where you throw the girl up and over and… well, Darren was havin’ a hard time figuring out the move—how to do it—and it’s so easy—and so I thought maybe it’d help him get his part if—once through—we switched, and I did his part, and he did mine… and, well, Darren’s not a very big guy. I mean, he’s little. Little, little man

SHELLY. He is, isn’t he?

DEENA. Yeah. Never realized it before. He sounds taller on the phone.

SHELLY. He does!

DEENA. Yeah. So—anyway—we switched so I could show him how to do his part… and, well, I’m pretty strong, and… he’s just small—

SHELLY. He really is, isn’t he?

DEENA. Yeah—and I threw him up and over… and, well, I threw him over… over. And… he landed on his face.

(Little beat.)

And it broke.

(Little beat.)

Ocular—orbital—bone fracture

SHELLY. Oh.

(Beat.)

DEENA. Had to take him to the emergency room.

SHELLY. That’s a drive.

DEENA. Thirty-eight miles.

SHELLY. Yup.

DEENA. (Disgusted.) And he cried.

SHELLY. Oh, no…

DEENA. The whole way.

(Little beat.)

Asked me to call his mom to come get him.

SHELLY. Seriously?!?

DEENA. Yeah. And she did. Asked me to “please leave.”

SHELLY. Aw, Deen, I’m sorry!

DEENA. It’s all right. He was a lousy dancer.

SHELLY. Most of ’em are.

DEENA. Yeah

SHELLY. That’s just—pretty bad

DEENA. Yup.

SHELLY. And sad.

DEENA. Yup. So… I’m guessin’ I win!

SHELLY. Oh—yeah—no question, no question! That right there might make you the big winner of all time!

DEENA. Yup!

SHELLY. “Baddest-date-girl” of all time!

DEENA. Yup!

SHELLY. Congratulations!

DEENA. Thank you!

SHELLY. So what do you pick tomorrow?

DEENA. Bowlin’, supper at the Snowmobile Club, couple beers at the Moose Paddy, hang out.