Weeks 4 & 5

Types of boundaries

1. Porous (no boundaries)

2. Rigid (too boundaried)

3. Healthy

6 categories where we can set boundaries

1. Intellectual (thoughts and opinions)

2. Sexual

3. Physical

4. Emotional (talking about what we feel)

5. Material (what you feel okay doing with your things, money, material possessions)

6. Time (the way you spend your time)

Heidi Armstrong’s compassion tools

• How would I treat someone if they were a dog?

• Make sure you have label readers

• Don’t take anything personally

• Think like a village dog

• CTFD

• Remember “To Whom the Gift Belongs”

• Replace your judgment with curiosity

• About others (open-ended questions and listen)

• About yourself (5 whys)

• Make a you turn

• Ditch defensiveness

• Gratitude

• Giving

RAIN of compassion (Tara Brach)

• Recognize

• Allow

• Investigate

• Nurture

Etymology of compassion

“To suffer (passion) with (com)”

Compassion

“The daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering.” –Brené Brown

• Majority of definitions underline that compassion includes action — not just a feeling, it’s a doing

• How that action looks depends on context, resources, social location

Compassion in practice

• Action of compassion is not about fixing and turning on metaphorical lights, it’s about sitting with others in the dark

• Allowing others space to feel discomfort

• Being a loving, connected presence for others in times of pain

Interchangeable terms for compassion (Western psychology)

• Compassion

• Empathy

• Sympathy

• Altruism

Empathy

A powerful tool of compassion, allowing us to understand what someone is experiencing and reflect back our understanding

• “Empathy is possible when we’re willing to be present in someone’s pain — if we’re not willing to do that, it’s not real empathy.” –Brené Brown

Cognitive empathy

Understanding another’s perspective mentally; thinking about and being aware of feelings without necessarily feeling them directly

• Does not require having gone through the exact same experience or feeling exactly the same emotions

• We can relate to someone while they suffer even if their experience of suffering is different from ours

Affective empathy

Emotional resonance; feeling what the other is feeling (often is draining and over time may contribute to distress or burnout)

• A type of preverbal attunement

• May stem from firing of mirror neurons, as if we’re feeling the emotion the other person is feeling (even if we’re not fully aware of it)

Empathetic distress

A self-focused reaction of discomfort caused by resonating with another’s pain (affective empathy)

• May lead to the avoidance of others who are suffering

• May activate our own trauma or emotions from past experience

What helps with having too much empathy?

• Boundaries

• Self-compassion

• Cognitive empathy + compassion

Sympathy

• Empathy is a tool for connection, sympathy can be a tool of disconnection

• May involve feelings of sorrow or pity — feeling sorry for another

• Usually doesn’t involve emotional resonance or perspective-taking

• Some concern for someone else’s hardship, but from a distance

Pity

• I’m sorry for them

• May not be expressed directly

• Distant/separate

Sympathy

• I feel bad for you

• Some distance

• Can potentially create connection

Affective empathy

• I feel bad with you

• Connection without healthy boundaries (catching people’s moods)

Cognitive + cognitive empathy

• I feel with you, I care about what you feel, I’m here to support you

• Most connected with healthy boundaries

Empathy misses

• Sympathy vs. empathy (I feel sorry for you)

• Judgment (you should feel ashamed)

• Disappointment (you’ve let me down)

• Discharging discomfort with blame (this feels terrible, who’s to blame? Let’s get ’em! Is it you?)

• Minimize/avoid (let’s make this go away)

• Comparing/competing (if you think THAT’S bad…)

• Speaking truth to power (don’t upset someone or make them uncomfortable)

• Advice giving/problem-solving (I can fix this and I can fix your feelings)

The Mud Hole

Altruism

• Voluntary, intentional, observable behavior benefitting another (may not include empathy or compassion)

• Not performed for egoistic or self-interested purposes

• Not clear if compassion requires altruism

• Some evidence that altruistic instinct is innate

Compassion and evolution

• Research suggests compassion is a distinct emotion that evolved because it offered a selective advantage

• Formation of alliances — allows for cooperative action

• Groups where members has a sense of compassion helped each other and were more likely to survive

• Compassionate individuals raise healthier offspring

• Kindness rated most attractive quality in potential mate

• Other primates show helping behavior

Compassion from Eastern perspective

• Compassion is the natural outgrowth of wisdom and understanding

• Based on insight into interdependence

  • All things are interconnected in a vast web of causes and conditions

  • We are all part of a greater whole

  • Self and others are not separate

  • Concern with self and others interwoven

• Desire to alleviate suffering extends to all beings

3 elements of compassion for others

1. Mindfulness

   • Requires we turn toward pain and be with it without resistance or avoidance

   • Allows us to be in the presence of suffering

2. Common humanity

   • Understanding that pain/suffering is a part of being human, others like me struggle in similar ways

   • Allow us to feel connected to others in the experience of pain/suffering

3. Kindness

   • Concern for the pain/suffering of others and the desire to alleviate it

   • Allows us to hold pain with love

The Four Agreements (Don Miguel Ruiz)

1. Be impeccable with your word

   • Align your words with your values

   • Speak with integrity

   • Say what you mean

   • T.H.I.N.K. and W.A.I.T. before you speak to avoid harm

2. Don’t take anything personally

   • Acknowledge that others have different perspectives and experiences

   • Don’t project your thoughts/feelings on others

   • What people do/say is a reflection of many factors

3. Don’t make assumptions

   • Find the courage to ask questions and express yourself

   • Listen to understand

   • Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstanding, sadness, and drama

4. Always do your best

   • Your best will change from moment to moment based on how you feel

   • See your mistakes as a chance to learn and grow

   • Live in alignment with what helps you do and feel your best