My Fair Lady Pickering Lines

Eliza: Two bundles of violets trod in the mud.

Taxi! Taxi!

Eliza: I say, Captain, buy a flower off a poor girl.

I'm sorry. I haven't nay change.

Eliza: I can change half a crown. Here, take this for tuppence.

I really haven't any- stop: here's three hapence, if that's any use to you.

Eliza: It's because I called him Captain. I meant no harm. Oh, sir, don't let him lay a charge agen me for a word like that. You...

Charge! I make no charge. Really, sir, if you are a detective, you need not begin protecting me against molestation by young women until I ask you. Anybody could see the girl meant no harm.

Higgins: Live where you like; but stop that noise.

Come, come! He can't touch you; you have a right to live where you please.

Higgins: Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge, and India.

Quite right.

Bystander: Blimey, he ain't a tec; he's a bloomin' busybody, that's what he is.

May I ask, sir, do you do this sort of thing for a living on the music halls?

Eliza: He's no gentleman, he ain't, to interfere with a poor girl.

How do you do it, if I may ask?

Eliza: Ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward!

But is there a living in that?

Higgins: Aoooow! Heavens, what a noise! THIS IS WHAT THE BRITISH POPULATION CALLS AN ELEMENT'RY EDUCATION.

Come, sir, I think you picked a poor example.

Higgins: Garn! I ask you, sir what sort of word is that? IT'S "AOOOW" AND "GARN" THAT KEEP HER IN HER PLACE, NOT HER WRETCHED CLOTHES AND DIRTY FACE. WHY CAN'T THE ENGLISH TEACH THEIR CHILDREN HOW TO SPEAK? THIS VERBAL CLASS DISTINCTION BY NOW SHOULD BE ANTIQUE. IF YOU SPOKE AS SHE DOES, SIR, INSTEAD OF THE WAY YOU DO, WHY, YOU MIGHT BE SELLING FLOWERS, TOO.

I beg your pardon!

Higgins: Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf, you disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns, you incarnate insult to the English language; I could pass you off as the Queen of Sheba.

Taxi!

Eliza: Aooow! You don't believe that, Captain?

Taxi... Oh, well, anything is possible. I myself am a student of Indian dislects.

Higgins: Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering, the author of "Spoken Sanskrit"?

I am Colonel Pickering. Who are you?

Higgins: Henry Higgins, author of "Higgins' Universal Alphabet".

I came from India to meet you!

Higgins: I was going to India to meet you!

Higgins!

Higgins: Pickering! Where are you staying?

At the Carleton.

Higgins: No, you're not. You're staying at 27-A Wimpole Street. Come with me and we'll have a jaw over supper.

Right you are.

Higgins: Ah. The church. A reminder. Indian dialects have always fascinated me. I have records of over fifty.

Have you, now. Did you know there are over two hundred?

Top of Act 1 Scene 3

I say, Higgins, couldn't we turn on the lights?

Higgins: Nonsense, you hear much better in the dark.

But it's a fearful strain listening to all those vowel sounds. I'm quite done up for this afternoon.

Eliza: Aoooow! I won't be called a baggage when I've offered to pay like any lady.

But what is it you want?

Higgins: Sit down.

What is your name?

Eliza: Eliza Doolittle.

Won't you sit down, Miss Doolittle?

Higgins: To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that feels moist. Remember: That's your handkerchief; and that's your sleeve. Don't mistake the one for the other if you wish to become a lady in a shop.

Higgins, I'm interested. What about your boast that you could pass her off as a duchess at the Embassy Ball? I'll say you're the greatest teacher alive if you can make that good. I'll bet you all the expenses of the experiment if you can't do it. And I'll even pay for the lessons.

Eliza: Aoooow!

Oh come, Higgins! Be reasonable.

Eliza: Oh, you are a brute. It's a lie; nobody ever saw the sign of liquor on me. Oh, sir, you're a gentleman; don't let him speak to me like that!

Does it occur to you, Higgins, that the girl has some feelings?

Eliza: No! I don't want no gold and no diamonds. I'm a good girl, I am.

Excuse me, Higgins...! But I really must interfere! Mrs. Pearce is quite right. If this girl is to put herself in your hands for six months for an experiment in teaching, she must understand thoroughly what she's doing!

Higgins: In six months- in three if she has a good ear and a quick tongue- I'll take her anywhere and pass her off as anything. I'll make a Queen of that barbarous wretch.

Higgins, forgive the bluntness, but if I'm to be in this business, I shall feel responsible for the girl. I hope it's clearly understood that no advantage is to be taken of her position.

Higgins: What? The thing? Sacred, I assure you.

Now come, Higgins, you know what I mean! This is no trifling matter! Are you a man of good character where women are concerned?

Higgins: Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?

Yes. Very frequently.

Butler: If you please, sir, there's a dustman downstairs. Alfred Doolittle, who wants to see you. He says you would have his daughter here.

Phew! I say!

Higgins: Send the blackguard up.

He may not be a blackguard, Higgins.

Higgins: Nonsense. Of course he's a blackguard.

Whether he is or not, I'm afraid we shall have some trouble with him.

Doolittle: Governor, I've taken a sort of fancy to you. And if you want the girl I'm not so set on havin' her back home again, but what I might be open to is an arrangement. All I ask is my rights as a father; and you're the last man alive to expect me to let her go for nothing; for I can see you're one of the straight sort, Governor. Well, what's a five-pound note to you? And what's Eliza to me?

I think you ought to know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins' intentions are entirely honorable.

Higgins: Do you mean to say that you would sell your daughter for fifty pounds?

Have you no morals, man?

Higgins: You know, Pickering, if we were to take this man in hand for six months, he could choose between a seat in the Cabinet and a popular pulpit in Wales. I suppose we ought to give him a fiver?

He'll make bad use of it, I'm afraid.

Doolittle: No! The missus wouldn't have the heart to spend ten, Governor; ten pounds is a lot of money: it makes a man feel prudent-like; and then goodbye to happiness. No, you give me what I ask for, Governor: not a penny less, not a penny more.

I rather draw the line at encouraging this sort of immortality. Doolittle, why don't you marry that missus of yours? After all, marriage is not so frightening. You married Eliza's mother.

Doolittle: Who told you that, Governor?

Well, nobody told me. But I concluded naturally... Oh

Eliza: That's what I said: Ahyee, E, Iyee, Ow, You. I've been syin' them for three days, and I won't sy them no more!

I know it's difficult, Miss Doolittle. But try to understand...

Higgins: No use explaining, Pickering. As a military man you ought to know that. Drilling is what she needs. Much better leave her or she'll be turning to you for sympathy.

All right, if you insist, but have a little patience with her, Higgins.

Higgins: No, Eliza, you didn't sy that. You didn't evey say that. Every night before you get into bed, where you used to say your prayers, I want you to repeat: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain, fifty times. You will get much further with the Lord if you learn not to offend His ears. Now for your "H's". Pickering, this is going to be ghastly!

Control yourself, Higgins. Give the girl a chance.

Higgins: No! No! A cup of tea... Mmmmm! It's awfully good cake. I wonder where Mrs. Pearce gets it?

Mmmmm! First rate! The strawberry tarts are delicious. And... Oh, have you tried the pline caike?

Higgins: Now, try it again!

Have you tried the...

Eliza: Cup, cup, cup, cup- of, of, of, of! Cup, cup, cup, cup- of, of, of, of... etc.

Yum, yum, yum, yum!! By Jove, that was a glorious tea, Higgins. Finish the strawberry tart, I couldn't eat another thing.

Higgins: No, thanks, old chap, really.

It's a shame to waste it.

Eliza: With blackest moss the flower pots... I can't! I can't!

I say, Higgins, are those pebbles really necessary?

Eliza: With blackest moss, the flower pots were thickly crusted, one and all; the rusted nails fell from the knots that held the pear to the gable-wall...

I say, Higgins, perhaps the poem is too difficult for the girl. Why don't you try a simpler one? Like: "The Owl and the Pussy-cat"? That's a damned fine poem!

Eliza: I can't. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

Oh, for God's sake, Higgins. It must be three o' clock in the morning. Do be reasonable.

Higgins: Pounding? I heard no pounding. Did you, Pickering?

No.

Higgins: If this continues, Mrs. Pearce, you'd better see a doctor. Pickering, I know, let's take her to the races.

The races?!

Higgins: Yes! My mother's box at Ascot.

You'll consult your mother first, of course.

Higgins: What better time to work than early in the morning? Where does one go for a lady's gown?

Whiteley's, of course.

Higgins: How do you know that?

Common knowledge.

Mrs. Higgins: Ah, Colonel Pickering, you're just in time for tea.

Thank you. Mrs. Higgins, may I introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle?

Eliza: Well, that's a mercy, anyhow. What I always say is...

Er- I don't suppose there's enough time before the next race to place a bet?

Start of Act 1 Scene 9

Higgins, if there's any mishap at the Embassy tonight, if Miss Doolittle suffers any embarrassment whatever, it's on your head alone. I've been begging you to call off this experiment ever since Ascot.

Higgins: Eliza can do anything.

But suppose she's discovered? Suppose she makes another ghastly mistake?

Higgins: There'll be no horses at the Ball, Pickering.

But think how agonizing it would be. God, if anything happened tonight, I don't know what I'd do.

Higgins: You could always rejoin your regiment.

Higgins, this is no time for flippancy. The way you've driven her these last six weeks has exceeded all the bounds of common... Oh, for God's sake, Higgins, stop fussing! Can't you settle someplace?

Higgins: Have some Port. It will quieten your nerves.

I'm not nervous! Where is it?

Mrs. Pearce: Yes, sir.

Help her, indeed! I'll bet the damned gown doesn't fit. I warned you about those French designers. You should have gone to a good English store, where you knew everybody was on our side. Have a little Port.

Higgins: No, thank you.

It will quieten your nerves.

Higgins: No, thank you.

Are you so sure she'll retain all you've hammered into her?

Higgins: We shall see.

But suppose she doesn't?

Higgins: Then I lose my bet.

You know what I can't stand about you, Higgins? It's your confounded complacency. In a moment like this, with so much at stake, it's utterly indecent that you don't need a little Port. What of the girl? You act as if she doesn't matter at all.

Eliza's Entrance

Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful.

Eliza: Thank you, Colonel Pickering.

Don't you think so, Higgins?

Act 2 Scene 1

Higgins, it was an immense achievement.

Higgins: A silly notion. If I hadn't backed myself to do it, I should have chucked the whole thing up two months ago.

Absolutely fantastic.

Higgins: A lot of tomfoolery.

Higgins, I salute you.

Higgins: Good night.

I think I shall turn in, too. It's been a great occasion. Goodnight, Higgins.

Higgins: Pickering! Pickering!

What? What?

Higgins: Here's a confounded thing. Eliza's bolted!

Bolted?

Higgins: Yes, bolted! And Mrs. Pearce let her go without telling me a word about it.

Well, I'm dashed!

Mrs. Pearce: Did any of you gentlemen frighten her last night?

You were there, Mrs. Pearce. We hardly said a word to her. Higgins, did you bully her after I went to bed?

Higgins: Just the other way around. She threw the slippers at me. I never gave her the slightest provocation. The slippers came bang at h=my head before I uttered a word. And she used the most perfectly awful language. I was shocked.

Well, I'm dashed.

Higgins: I don't understand it. She was shown every possible consideration. She admitted it herself.

Well, I'm dashed.

Higgins: For God's sake, Pickering, stop being dashed and do something.

What?

Higgins: Why not? I want to find her! The girl belongs to me! I paid five pounds for her!

Quite right. Scotland Yard, please. May I have some coffee, Mrs. Pearce?

Mrs. Pearce: Yes, sir.

Oh, good morning, old chap. Colonel Hugh Pickering here... 27-A Wimpole Street. I want to report a missing person. Anything you can do to assist in her recovery will be frightfully appreciated. I'm not without influence, and I'll see to it that your superiors... Oh, hmph, yes... Eliza Doolittle... about twenty-one... I should say about five foot seven... Her eyes?

Higgins: Blue!

Blue... her hair? Well, it's a rather neutral, nondescript color, I should say more on the...

Higgins: Brown! Brown! Brown!

Well, you heard what he said... brown... Yes, this is her residence... Between three and four in the morning... No... No... No... No relation at all. Let's just say a good friend. Hmph? Now, see here, my good man, I'm not at all pleased with the tenor of that question. What the girl does here is our affair. Your affair is to get her back so she can continue doing it...

Higgins: WHAT IN ALL OF HEAVEN COULD HAVE PROMPTED HER TO GO? AFTER SUCH A TRIUMPH AT THE BALL? WHAT COULD HAVE DEPRESS'D HER? WHAT COULD HAVE POSSESS'D HER? I CANNOT UNDERSTAND THE WRETCH AT ALL!

Higgins, I have an old school chum at the Home Office. Perhaps he can help. I'll call him. Whitehall seven, two, double, four, please.

Higgins: WOMEN ARE IRRATIONAL, THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO THAT! THEIR HEAD ARE FULL OF COTTON, HAY, AND RAGS! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT EXASPERATING, IRRITATING, VASCILLATIN, CALCULATING, AGITATING, MADDENING, AND INFURITATING HAG!

Brewster Budgin, please... Yes, I'll wait!

Higgins: WOULD YOU BE SLIGHTED IF I DIDN'T SPEAK FOR HOURS?

Of course not.

Higgins: WOULD YOU BE LIVID IF I HAD A DRINK OR TWO?

Nonsense.

Higgins: WOULD YOU BE WOUNDED IF I NEVER SENT YOU FLOWERS?

Never.

Higgins: IF I WERE HOURS LATE FOR DINNER, WOULD YOU BELLOW?

Of course not.

Higgins: IF I FORGOT YOUR SILLY BIRTHDAY, WOULD YOU FUSS?

Nonsense.

Higgins: WOULD YOU COMPLAIN IF I TOOK OUT ANOTHER FELLOW?

Never.

Higgins: WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE LIKE US?

Hell, is Brewster Budgin there, please? Boozy? You'll never, never, never guess who this is!... Yes, it is. By George, what a memory! How are you, old fellow? It's so good to hear your voice again... Thirty years? Is it really? Yes... That's a lot of water under the... uh... things. Boozy, old chap, I'll tell you why I called. Something rather unpleasant has happened at this end. Could I come right over and see you? Oh, good. I'll be right there. Thank you, Boozy. I'm going over to the Home Office, Mrs... Pearce.

Mrs. Pearce: I do hope you find her, Colonel Pickering. Mr. Higgins will miss her.

Mr. Higgins will miss her! Blast Mr. Higgins! I'll miss her!