Jungle Bar Lines

I…okay. (Enter)

Honey, what the hell are you doing in here? Jerry’s waiting- Oh. Hi. I know you. Right? You’re-

…Mr. Peterman’s new assistant.

Right. Oh…I remember you now. Kare, you have to get out there. Jerry’s talking to this Bucktoothed Girl in a Hat.

He is?!? I just left a minute ago-!

She’s attached to him like a leech.

Ohhhhh…! What should I do?

Drink this. Here. Help yourself. I get ‘em free here. Don’t spill it on yourself. And-what happened to your face? Did you put more makeup on?

Maybe.

Stop doing that. C’mon- we’ll fix your hair real fast and scrape off some paint. So. What’s up?

Well, maybe Bridget can help.

What happened?

Nothing. Never mind.

He hit you?

No! Nothing like that.

Drinks?

No.

An affair?

No.

You?

What?

Have an affair?

a million little things all lumped together in this big pile-

Right.

Karen, can we go?

Go? What do you mean go?

Back to Karen’s.

No no no. Karen’s taking Jerry home tonight.

I need a place to stay tonight and-

Hotels all full? Shriner’s Convention?

I forgot my…Look, Karen already said she’d-

No. Not possible. Tonight Karen is taking Jerry back to her place to have the best sex she’s ever had in her entire life. If you need to, you can crash at my place.

Karen- I don’t want to-

There. Now go to the bathroom before you go back out.

RIght. Okay.

Other door.

Right, right.

Left your husband, huh?

What?

Just- walked out.

Yes.

What did he say?

He wasn’t there.

Ah.

Look, Bridget, I appreciate you letting me stay at your place. First thing tomorrow I’ll-

You’re not staying at my place tonight.

Oh. Uh…

You got bored, didn’t you?

What do you mean?

Your husband. What’s his name?

Oh. I don’t really want to talk about it. Ben.

Yeah. You got tired ot Boring Ben, of the same thing night after night: the same arguments; the same stupid stories; how he always wanted foot rubs but never offered to give you one. And, worst of all, the sex became insert tab A into slot B…

I’m going to find someplace else to stay. A park bench somewhere.

No no no! I’m not judging- I understand. Believe me. And we both know- some people, that’s all they want out of life: routine, safety. But you’re not like that. You want more than that. You got bored.

I- don’t know about “bored”…

It’s not a crime. And there is a cure.

What’s that?

How long have you been married?

Three years.

So, what? Together six years total?

About.

So what do we have to work with?

What are you…? That’s private property!

I bet you grabbed something sexy “just in case”. Didn’t you? I bet you did.

I just threw a bunch of-

Ahh… Here we are.

I just randomly threw things-

And shoes!

I hate my life!

Can’t you stay in one place for more than a minute?!

I just got my period!

Oh Jesus.

Do either of you have anything?

No.

You should go home.

Nobody’s going home. Here, put this on.

It was going so well…he touched my knee, you know, casually, when he was talking-

Good! What’s the problem then?

I’m bleeding!

Honey, he’s not going to care. He’s not even going to notice.

Until he sees he’s covered in blood.

That’s after. You’re just scared. You’re finally going to get what you want and you’re scared.

You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.

Haley, be a help and try the tampon machine?

Karen, let’s go home.

Enough with the “going home”! Going home is not an option. Haley: try the tampon machine. Karen: listen to your coach: if you don’t make this into a big deal this isn’t a big deal. Remember Ronnie-

Ronnie!

Ronnie loved you. Someone can love you. Maybe Jerry will love you. But you have to give him the chance.

Jerry is not going to love her.

He might.

Men come to bars to get laid, not fall in love.

She met Ronnie in a bar.

I don’t know. I need a tampon!

Haley?

It’s not going to work. They never work.

Well, he’s probably wondering what’s going on.

I know.

What did you say to him, when you left just now?

Doesn’t work.

Try it again.

It doesn’t work. What do you want to do, Karen?

Well, keep trying until it does.

I don’t know!

Dammit Haley- help or leave.

Do what you want to do.

My advice, as your coach, is: don’t let this get to you. Stay focused. Just go out there and be your sweet, charming self. It’ll work out fine. He likes you.

Oh. Good question.

I’m sure it’s fine.

I don’t know why she lets you treat her like that.

She needs it. Tomorrow morning, she’ll call and tell me how she was so scared but she’s so glad I made her go through with it, that she’s so happy.

For about a day.

That’s a start.

I have common sense. You don’t care if she gets hurt.

Haley. Honey. Everybody gets hurt. I know you think life’s supposed to be a fairy tale with flowing gowns and true love, but it’s not. It’s real people- real fucked up people- just trying to find someone. And sometimes you find them in a bar, and sometimes, if you’re lucky, you find them in bed.

Nothing that lasts.

Love doesn’t last.

It can.

Like you and Boring Ben?

Sometimes it’s not meant to be.

It’s never “meant” to be. Sometimes it’s the right thing for now. And then it ends. And then you move on. Just like you’re doing.

I’m not…

What?

“moving on”.

Then what’s that dress for? That’s why everyone comes to me for help. Karen asked me to help her. She’s afraid, because she knows how it is. At least she knows.

I feel all ucky.

Haley’s thinking about staying for a while.

Oh- stay! Stay! I like having you here. It makes me feel less nervous. And I need all the help I can get.

I’m trying to convince her to hook up.

That’d be so cool! Haley: Right.

You’d better get out there, Kare. He won’t hold your place forever.

yeah.

Have another drink.

Right. Okay.

Going home?

Somewhere. Maybe I’ll go to the office.

Can I ask you a question?

I suppose.

Why tonight. What happened?

Can I stay at your place? Or are yout aking someone home, too?

Maybe.

Maybe what- i can stay?

What happened?

Nothing “happened”.

You left.

I left. He wasn’t there. He’s never there. Even when he’s there. I left. That’s all.

And you came here.

Karen had invited me for a drink.

Of course.

What?

You went home to an empty apartment, again. Alone. Nothing but the ticking of a clock you got as a wedding present that you’ve always hated, and you remembered Karen and knew that somewhere out there were places full of noise and life. And you could be out there- living. And so you put this dress in your suitcase- maybe without even knowing what you were doing- and you came here. To see how it would feel. To have a different skin. Maybe just for a little while. Maybe not. Everyone deserves to know for sure who they are. You can’t leave now, when you’ve come this far. I’ll help you. Tell me I’m completely wrong.

Why are you doing this?

I like to help people. It’s easier than helping myself. Look, I’ll make you a deal: stay for an hour. Just one hour. See what happens. If you’re not having fun after an hour, you can stay at my apartment.

One hour?

One hour.

Until 12:13.

Okay.

And you’ll give me the keys to your place if I want.

Of course.

Okay.

Now I’m the coach, and the coach is always right. You will talk to who I tell you to talk to, how I tell you to talk to them, and you will have fun. Fun doesn’t just happen- you have to make it happen. First, you need a few drinks. What do you drink?

Um… Chardonnay?

Tequila shots.

I’ve never had tequila before…

You’ll love ‘em.

I always wanted to wear this dress, but never had a reason to.

You’ll do fine.

Really?

Really. Oh- ring.

Oh. Right.

Okay. Let’s go.