Uncle Vanya - Waffles

line memorizaton!

PROFESSOR: Very nice, very nice. Wonderful views.

Remarkable, Your Excellency.

VANYA: God, she’s good-looking.

You know, Marina Timofeyevna, I was thinking. Whether I’m riding my horse through a field, or taking a walk in the shady garden… or even now, just sitting here, looking at this table in front of me… I am capable of experiencing extreme bliss! The weathers wonderful, the birds are singing, we live in peace and harmony… I mean, what more could you ask for? (accepting a glass) I am grateful!

VANYA: …but then to silence your youth and your desires and your spirit in order to stay with him… thats not immoral? Thats a good thing?

(near tears) Vanya, I don’t like it when you talk like this. Being unfaithful to your wife or your husband, that’s… that’s… that’s… that’s like being unfaithful to your country!

VANYA: Oh, shut up, Waffles.

Allow me, Vanya. My wife ran away on the day after our wedding with another man on account of my… uh… my unbecoming exterior. But I take my duty seriously. I still love her and I’m faithful to her… I help her out whenever I can… I gave her my property so she could stay there and raise the children she had with this other man. I’m not happy, I lost my happiness long ago, but I still have my pride. And her? She’s getting older, her beauty has faded—in keeping with the laws of nature—and the man she loved has died. So what does she have left?

SONYA: The tea is cold.

The, uh, temperature of the samovar has dropped considerably.

YELENA: It’s fine, Ivan Ivanich, we’ll drink it cold.

Uh… miss… I’m so sorry to… but my name is not Ivan Ivanich. It’s Ilya Ilyich. Ilya Ilyich Telegin. Or, as some call me on account of my pockmarked face, Waffles. I’ve known Sonyechka since she was a baby, I helped baptize her, and your husband, uh, His Excellency, he knows me very well. I live here now. I live with you. If you’d be kind enough to notice, I, uh, I eat meals with you every day.

ASTROV: Play!

Uh. Sir. Everyone is sleeping.

ASTROV: Play, Waffles! Play!

My dear friend, uh, you know I’d be happy to, but you have to understand… people are sleeping!

YELENA: Are you listening to me? We need to leave today!

(Enter PROFESSOR, SONYA, WAFFLES, and MARINA) Well, to be honest, Your Excellency, I’m not in perfect health. I’ve been sick for two days now. My head is a little—

PROFESSOR: I’m not saying my idea is perfect. If everyone thinks it’s unsuitable, I won’t pursue it.

(confused) Your Excellency, I also have a, uh, reverence for academia and family connection to it as well. It might interest you to know that my brother Gregori Ilyich’s wife’s brother—maybe you know him?—Konstantin Trofimovich Lakedemonov, held a master’s degree, and he—

MARIA VASILYEVNA: (sternly) Jean!

(worried) Vanya, don’t do this… please don’t do this… I’m shaking… Why ruin a good friendship? Don’t do this.

VANYA: …all of which I now deeply despise!

Don’t do this, Vanya… please don’t do this… I can’t…

(Act Four Begins)

Hurry up, Marina Timofeyevna. They’re about to say goodbye.

MARINA: (trying to wind faster) There’s not much left.

They’re leaving for Kharkov. They’re going to live there.

MARINA: Mm-hm. It’s for the best.

They got scared. “I won’t stay here another hour!” said Yelena Andreyevna. “We’re leaving! We have to go!” “We’ll live in Kharkov,” she said, “We’ll find a place and then send for our things…” So they’re traveling light. I guess it’s not their destiny to live here. God’s will.

MARINA: It’s for the best. They’ve been stirring things up… and that shooting…! It was disgraceful.

Yes! It was a scene worthy of Aivazovsky!

MARINA: It’s been a long time since I’ve tasted noodles.

Oh yes. This house has not seen noodles in a very long time. (Pause) …A very long time. (Pause) You know what happened this morning, Marina Timofeyevna? I was walking through town, and this shopkeeper came running after me and shouted: “HEY YOU! MOOCHER!” It hurt my feelings.

MARINA: Where is Sonya?

In the garden. She’s with the doctor, looking for Ivan Petrovich. They’re afraid he might hurt himself.

MARINA: Oh dear. Where is that gun?

(whispering) I hid it in the basement!

VANYA: I can’t stand you all watching me like this.

Of course, Vanya. Right away.

MARIA VASILYEVNA: You are so precious to me.

Farewell, Your Excellency! Do not forget us!

ASTROV: Hey Waffles. Tell them to get my horses ready.

I hear you loud and clear, my friend.