Nunsense Act 1 (Reverend Mother)

Yayyy!!

Beginning of the Show

RM: Good evening, Friends. On Behalf of the Little Sisters of Hoboken, I’d like to say: “Welcome to the theater of Mount Saint Helen’s School!” And may I extend our gratitude to each and everyone of you for coming here to participate in our fund- raising activities. Now, before we begin, I’d like to clear up what seems to be some confusion about the set here. You see, our eighth graders are putting on the musical, “Vaseline” and I gave—

SH: It’s Grease.

RM: Where?

SH: Grease!

RM: Oh! — It’s Grease. Who knew?
Well, anyway, I promised the children that we wouldn’t disturb their handiwork during our benefit and so that’s why things may seem a bit incongruous at times.
Now, just in case there is anyone here who hasn’t heard what our little fund-raiser is all about — we’ve had a small disaster back at our convet. You see, a short time ago, our cook, Sister Julia—
— Child of God, served some vichyssoise soup and nearly ever sister died instantly of botulism!

SH: It was kind of like the last supper! That’s a little convent humor!

RM: Why, we wouldn’t be here now if it hadn’t been for the fact that we were off playing bingo with some Maryknolls. What a bunch of cut-throats they turned out to be, huh?

SH: I still say their Mother Superior cheated when she didn’t call B-15! I know she had it.

RM: Now, calm down, Sister. Lord knows, she’s not pretty, but she doesn’t cheat.

SH: She does, too. B-15 — I saw her slip it right up her sleeve. It was all I needed to win. But that’s alright, cause God don’t like ugly! MMM-MMM

RM: The point is when we got back to the convent we found fifty-two of our sisters lying face down in that soup!

SH: Now, we had no idea what to do so we all began praying for guidance

RM: Then I had a vision. It was either Saint Catherine of Siena or Saint Thomas Aquinas in Drag. I never could tell them apart- Never have seen ‘em together! Anyway, I was instructed to start a greeting card company to raise funds. Well, of course I did- and it was a huge success.

SH: ….one tries hard not to question reverend Mother

RM: And one will try-

RM: And one will try-

Both RM and SH: Harder in the future!

Both RM and SH: Harder in the future!

RM: That’s right, dear! The worst part is, we had to put the last four sisters in the freezer!

SH: And the Ben and Jerry’s ain’t tasted the same since!

RM: That’s why we’re putting on this little show. We’ve got to raise enough money to bury those last four dead sisters!

SH: but if they hadn’t died, we wouldn’t have to bury them, and then there wouldn’t be this little show in the first place.

RM: But they did, we have to, and there is, so there you are! (zzzzzzttt)

RM and SH: (ZZZZTT)

RM: Now about a week ago I held tryouts for our show and I picked the sisters whom I felt were the very best- of what’s left of us- and I asked each one of them to prepare something that best displayed her talent.

RM: Now about a week ago I held tryouts for our show and I picked the sisters whom I felt were the very best- of what’s left of us- and I asked each one of them to prepare something that best displayed her talent.

RM: Now, I’d like to present Sister Mary Leo in her interpretation of “Morning at the Convent.” Sister-

SRA: Well, what dy’a think? I call it the Convent Miranda look

RM: Sister! I am appalled! Now, you show some respect!

SRA: C’mon…chill out, Rev. Listen, I’ve got another surprise for you.

RM: Another Surprise?

SRA: See, I realized when you arranged the program you hadn’t included a solo for me and so I’ve been working on a special song with (Sister Ginger), and I thought you could find a spot for it spot for it in the show. Listen to this. Hit it, Sister. When I became a Nun, At a very early age, I had to choose between-

RM: Sister! Sister! Sister Robert Anne! You are the Understudy. Do you realize what a great honor and responsibility that is? You must be ready at a moment’s notice in case an emergency should arise. Take me, for example, I am the Mother Superior not a musical comedy Star!

SRA: I realized that from the opening number!

RM: Why I oughta….

SA: Reverend Mother - I’m ready!

RM: I’ve got to get Amnesia out here for her number. We’ll talk about this later

SRA: Her Number! You gave her a number. She can’t even remember who she is. My number’s ready to go. Come on, Rev I’ve got aspirations

RM: Well, you can kiss your aspirations goodbye! Keep an eye on her, Hubert!

SA: Done!

RM: Why didn’t someone tell me she brought that puppet?

SL: Who knew?

RM: You knew! I Know you Knew!

SH: Well, I knew about the puppet, but I had no idea she was gonna-

RM: What if we have some plain clothes in our audience? I certainly hope no one was offended.

SH: Please don’t let this affect your generosity this evening.

RM: Really! We’ve just gotta get those girls out of the freezer! I mean, you never know when the Health Inspector might be coming around.

SA: Did I miss something?

RM: Just the boat dear.

SA: Oh, he came this afternoon

RM: What do you mean “he came this afternoon?” You’ve been here all day practicing with us.

SA: But he called yesterday.

All but SA: What?!!

All but SA: What?!!!

RM: Amnesia, why don’t you tell me these things?

RM: Amnesia, why don’t you tell me these things?

SA and RM: I forgot.

SA and RM: I forgot

RM: Oh, this is terrible. Amnesia, go and phone the convent right away, and see if anything’s happened. This is just awful. Lord only knows what may have happened. Sister Hubert, I thought I told you to see that she reports everything to me!

SH: Now, don’t you try to blame this one on me. You’re the one who bought the 3D-HD flat screen TV!

RM: Don’t start with that. You know very well I didn’t realize there wasn’t enough money.

SA: Reverend Mother. Reverend Mother, I got the Answering Machine

RM: Well, what did it say?

SA: Hello, You have reached the Convent of Mount Saint Helens-

RM: Amnesia! Jump Ahead!

SA: and Sister Marie Eugene had to go down to the board of health for questioning!

RM: OH, no! Now you’ve done it, Amnesia. Now you’ve really done it! This is a fine mess you’ve gotten us into!

SH: Regina, you didn’t have to be so hard on her.

RM: Oh, you know I didn’t mean it. Go and see if she’s alright.

SH: Me?!

RM: Yes, you!

SH: What is this? Showboat?

RM: I tell ya, it’s not easy being a Mother Superior these days. Trying to be a leader in these permissive times is almost impossible. Take Sister Robert Anne for example. When she entered the convent, they told me she was streetwise. Now, I thought that meant she knew her way around town! That girl knows things you couldn’t show on Cable Television.

RM: That Girl Knows things you couldn’t show on Cable Televison.

RM: Sometimes I wonder why I ever became a nun in the first place. I didn’t have to ya know. I started out as a tightrope walker! I’m not makin this up! My mother and father had a high wire act. They were billed as “Two Tons on a Tightrope!” Well, they were a bit on the hefty side. All us Kids were in the act.

RM: All us kids were in the act

RM: Anyway, we got booked in London and we had a wire stretched across the river - no net mind you! Well, “Two tons on a Tightrope” were up there when suddenly the wire snapped and BOOM - BOOM - Two tons in the Thames! Right then and there I promised the Lord if He’d save them, I’d become a nun! Well, how did I know He was gonna come through?!! I thought they were goners for sure!

RM: I thought they were goners for sure!

RM: Well, since the Lord kept His part of the bargain, I figured I’d better keep mine, so here I am. But you wanna know the truth? Now that I’m here, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Still, I gotta tell ya something.

SRA: I’ll get you my pretty. And your little dog, too! Deedle-y-dee-dee-dee-dee!

RM: Robert Anne! Stop that this instant! This is not The Wizard of Oz. Who do you think you are Margaret Hamilton? Listen Missy!

SRA: Wait a minute! I have to tell you something important!

RM: Well, what is it?

SRA: Look, I know about these things and I need to explain

RM: You can explain it later. Right now we’ve got to get ready for the next number. Hubert get them ready for the next number.

SRA: But, Rev

RM: And get that thing out of your veil!

SRA: I’m melting… I’m melting….

RM: If only she could. Im terribly sorry for this delay folks. They’ll only be a moment. Now what is this she’s fussing about?

RM: If only she could. Im terribly sorry for this delay folks. They’ll only be a moment. Now what is this she’s fussing about?

RM: Well it’s called “Rush.” It must be something for people in a hurry. I guess you take a spoonful after every meal-let’s see - no - it says here: “remove cap, allow to stand, aroma will develop.” Aroma? What Kind of Aroma?

RM: Well it’s called “Rush.” It must be something for people in a hurry. I guess you take a spoonful after every meal-let’s see - no - it says here: “remove cap, allow to stand, aroma will develop.” Aroma? What Kind of Aroma?

RM: Oooooh - Good Lord, it smells awful! Why would anyone want this stuff? R-U…R-U...

Are you Lonesome Tonight? (Might Change this)

RM: Oooooh - Good Lord, it smells awful! Why would anyone want this stuff? R-U…R-U...

Are you Lonesome Tonight? (Might Change this)

RM: Is it warm in here? Im awfully warm. It must be the wimple. Oh, I hope I don’t get wimple itch. I don’t know what the girls are doing with this stuff. It can’t be good for you. It smells just awful.

RM: Is it warm in here? Im awfully warm. It must be the wimple. Oh, I hope I don’t get wimple itch. I don’t know what the girls are doing with this stuff. It can’t be good for you. It smells just awful.

RM: Is it hot in here? Whoa, it must be the lights. Alright. In a few miniments - monuments - mominnna - Soon- we’ll get back to Nundance - No! Flashnun! Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Nun - no, no, no. That’s not right. Nun with the wind! What show is this?

RM: Is it hot in here? Whoa, it must be the lights. Alright. In a few miniments - monuments - mominnna - Soon- we’ll get back to Nundance - No! Flashnun! Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Nun - no, no, no. That’s not right. Nun with the wind! What show is this?

Music Director: Are you alright?

RM: Alright?!! I’ve never felt better in my life. Hey have you guys tried this stuff? Oh, of course you have. You’re musicians! Have you tried this? Have you… oh you have. I know you have. You know this stuff is absolutely marvelous. I’m gonna take some back to the convent. Whoooooooaaaa! Im going to Disney World!

RM: Alright?!! I’ve never felt better in my life. Hey have you guys tried this stuff? Oh, of course you have. You’re musicians! Have you tried this? Have you… oh you have. I know you have. You know this stuff is absolutely marvelous. I’m gonna take some back to the convent. Whoooooooaaaa! Im going to Disney World!

RM: Okay. Let’s all sit back and watch a coupl’a butch nuns dance. Did I say that? That’s not right. That’s not right. Come In! I got to drive Miss Daisy down to the Piggly Wiggly!

RM: Okay. Let’s all sit back and watch a coupl’a butch nuns dance. Did I say that? That’s not right. That’s not right. Come In! I got to drive Miss Daisy down to the Piggly Wiggly!

RM: It’s a miracle! Somebodu call a donkey and get me to the manger. Oh-oh. Im stuck. Im not kidding. Im really stuck! Well dont anybody rush up here to help me. Never mind, I’ll do it myself. Free Willy! Free Willy! You know, it’s hot in here!

SH: Reverend Mother!

RM: Hubert! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

SH: Well, we did. But it’s not. We’ve gotta do it. Now! If ever you are tempted to transgress, remember this:

RM: Hubert! I just saw Elvis! He’s alive! He’s Alive!!

SH: Get her Robert!

RM: Toodle-oo!

End of Growing up Catholic

RM: This is a Catastrophe!

SRA: What’s the matter with you?

RM: This summons just came! That’s what’s the matter with me!

SRA: Well, it can’t be that bad.

RM: Oh, no? Take a look. I’ve got to go pray for guidance.

SL: I’ll get it! I’m the novice! Hello. Mount Saint Helen’s.

RM: Well, who is it, Leo?

SL: It’s Sister Mary Euthanasia!

All: Our Nurse!

SL: She says, “Sister Julia, Child of God, was trying out a new chicken dish. Chicken with Correctol or something like that. Anyway, it backfired! She’s in the hospital getting her stomach pumped.

RM: Oh, Lord deliver me. Is she coming over to do the show?

SL: Is she coming over to do the show? No.

RM: No?

SL: No!

RM: Whoa!

SRA: Oh! Hey, I can do my number!

RM: I don’t think so! Well, I’ll just have to fill in for Sister Julia. Now let’s see, I’ll need her book, doe’s anyone know what happened to her book?

SA: I could do my bird calls.

RM: And what, dare i ask, are your bird calls?

SRA: I don’t believe this!

RM: What?

SRA: That I’ve worked very hard on a song-

RM: Well, sing it, please!

SRA: Do you really mean it?

RM: Yes. Do it before I change my mind. Things are falling to pieces around here.

SH: How could Julia be so stupid?

RM: How could I be so Stupid?

SRA: I just wanna be a star!

RM: You’re no help at all. Well, our little sparkler turned out to be quite a firecracker!

SRA: I’m sorry, Reverend Mother.

RM: Well, that was quite a surprise, Robert. You were sensational!

SRA: I was?!!

RM: Yes, you were. That’ll be six our fathers and seven hundred Hail Marys!

SA: Come out here, everybody, I remember who I am. Hurry, I remember who I am!

RM: Well, Who are you?

SL: Sister, Mary Paul! That’s a nice name. Isn’t it Hubert?

RM: You know I remember hearing about a Sister Mary Paul when we were in France, but when we came back here no one knew what happened to her - then you mysteriously appeared and all you could tell us was that a crucifix hit you on the head. So, you’re Sister Mary Paul.

SA: Well, I think so. You see, I won this contest, and I was going-

RM: Contest, Oh my heavens! That’s it!

All but RM: What?

RM: Sister Mary Paul was the name of the nun who won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, and they never could find her. That’s you! We’ve got the money! Saints be praised! We’re rich!!!

SA: And I helped!

RM: You certainly did, dear. You know, I was really starting to get worried about having to defrost those girls tomorrow morning.

SRA: Yeah! Jersey smells bad enough already.

RM: Robert!

SL: Tomorrow, the world could be saluting the first “nun ballerina.”

RM: Of course, dear. The Important thing is that we can send those last four sisters off to their heavenly reward. And we can get back to concentrating on our own heavenly rewards. Because after all, each and every one of us here has the potential to become a saint!

SH: And you know something?

RM: What?