Millicent Clyde Lines Paddington the musical

(Start of Scene 4)

Thank you for visiting the natural history museum. The museum is now closed. Bye. Ciao. See you later… suckers.

HANK: Hey, grandma!

Ugh! Pigeons, revolting vermin!

HANK: And I ‘bloomin love you!

Take… That!

HANK: Grandma!

Get that pigeon out of my sight!

HANK: Noooooooooooooo!!!

Now to get to work! (The lab is formed.) Grant!

GRANT: Yes, boss?

Shut up!

GRANT: I didn’t say anything.

Shut up, you useless, pustulant, tunt wart. Scalpel! Forceps! And now for the most important step the amazing animal spritz! …Mmm coconuty. Stand back! Oh, snooky. You were so pretty, you vial, little stinking, little rodent.

GRANT: So I did good, boss?

No, Grant. Once again you’ve failed me utterly.

GRANT: Failed you?!

A chinchilla?! What even is it a ludo crust over fluffed rat?! Anyone can stuff a chinchilla. I need extraordinary… I need ground breaking… Do you know what I need, Grant?

(After first pretty little dead thing verse / chorus)

Look!

GRANT: But it’s an empty case, boss!

Exactly you pea-brained, rat-flap! It’s waiting for me to finish the job, my dead, pathetic Daddy couldn’t!

GRANT: I saw a bear!

You saw a bear where?

GRANT: Paddington station!

Not a Peruvian bear.

GRANT: Well I can’t be sure, but he had a label on his back that said “from Peru!”

Grant, if you are making this up I will personally remove your eyeballs and hang them in the museum toilets so you spend the rest of your life watching old people… pee.

GRANT: I swear, I saw him get into a taxi cab!

A taxi cab?

GRANT: With a sign saying “Windsor gardens neighborhood watch chief wardingham on board!”

Chief wardingham on board, huh? I shall fetch that bear, stuff him, and re-claim my family name.

GRANT: Boss, this bear is he endangered?

Oh, yes. …He is now.

MR. CURRY: Oh, nevermind…

Chief Warding… what an honor.

MR. CURRY: Most people don’t appreciate the-

Genius work you do? Because I have goosebumps even thinking about it.

MR. CURRY: Goosebumps?

I’m an absolute sucker for rules and regulations.

MR. CURRY: Your not!

I am. When I was six and the other little girls had unicorn birthdays I had a cake in the shape of a penalty parking notice.

MR. CURRY: I never go anywhere without my “Windsor Gardens rules and regulations guide vol. 23! I read it to myself.

Well, I was just making sure that everyone’s following the rules exactly for fun.

MR. CURRY: I was just patrolling for fun. Checking for unsavory characters.

Or wild animals.

MR. CURRY: You’ll never guess… I’ve discovered one… a bear.

Oh, that’s just how it starts. Just one bear to begin with and before you know Windsor Gardens will be overrun and there will be no room left for all you…

MR. CURRY: …My Windsor Gardens.

Where are his residents?

MR. CURRY: He lives with the Browns! They’ve all got me driving them to a fancy dinner at the Savoy Hotel tomorrow.

Then I shall see you there.

MR. CURRY: You mean as a date? If you wanted to you could come now.

Right now I have research to do on Peru, but I cannot wait to see you at the Savoy, Mr…

MR. CURRY: C-curry!

Curry, huh? …No wonder you are quite so… hot.

MARY: Let’s find Peru!

We’re here to visit the archives of Peru.

LADY SLOANE: Are you a member?

No, but-

LADY SLOANE: Then no-

But my father was!

LADY SLOANE: Name?

Clyde.

MRS. BIRD: Someone’s coming, let’s go!

Bear!

GRANT: Marmalade?

Marmalade! That’s it… bear bait!

MILLICENT’S DAD: Don’t mind if I do.

It can’t be… I know that hat anywhere… That’s my father.

MR. CURRY: Fragrant fox, this is fierce chicken.

I’m sorry… what?!

MR. CURRY: Well, I thought we should use code names.

Oh, just tell me what you know!

MR. CURRY: You have to say: do you have any intelligence, fierce chicken.

I think we already know the answer to that.

MR. CURRY: What?

Fierce chicken… do you have any intelligence?

MR. CURRY: I have just dropped the browns right this second off at the east entrance of the Savoy.

Alright, we’ll meet you at the West entrance.

MR. CURRY: But that’s on the other side!

Do you want to be apart of this mission or not?! Now for operation Marmalade.

GRANT: I don’t get it. Why do bear’s love Marmalade?

Because to a bear marmalade is the single most sweetest, sugariest, molten liquid toothpaste on the planet. So sticky it leaves a trail of ooz wherever it’s dropped and luck for us, this Marmalade is one hundred percent high grade Peruvian product which makes it the perfect: bear bait!

GRANT: Check.

Net?

GRANT: Check.

Top secret disguise?

GRANT: Check.

That bear is about to come to a very sticky end.

GRANT: BUT I HOPE YOU TAKE THAT RISK ON ME!

Time to sniff out your last whiff.

MR. CURRY: Take this marmalade to the kitchen!

NO!!! What are you doing?!

MR. CURRY: I’m being undercover… and role playing.

We’re trying to catch a bear here!

PADDINGTON: Will it?

That hat! Where did you find it?

PADDINGTON: It belonged to the explorer.

Not Montgomery Clyde.

PADDINGTON: Do you know Montgomery Clyde?

He’s my father.

PADDINGTON: I’ve been trying to find him.

I know! He’d love to meet you! Come for tea at nine birdcage walk.

MRS. BIRD: Paddington…

Got him!

PADDINGTON: Nine birdcage walk…

Hello, bear! I hope you hungry, because by time we’re done you’ll be absolutely stuffed.

MR. CURRY: BUT DON’T DOUBLE DIP!

Oh, you weren’t supposed to eat it!

MR. CURRY: Tea?

Grant! It’s time to get that bear to the natural history museum.

PADDINGTON: I thought we were going to meet the explorer.

Oh, you will… sooner than you think.

GRANT: This way, bear.

Enjoy the ride! …Cause it’ll be the last one you ever take…

Wait, what?! I beg you pardon, Millicent. I thought we were just taking him back to where he came from.

No. I’m going to stuff him.

MR. CURRY: Stuff him?! You mean-

Stuff him in the dark, then fluff him up and stick him in a case… and your going to help me.

MR. CURRY: No, I can’t stuff him! I’m a taxi driver not a taxidermist.

You always were so sensitive.

MR. CURRY: I was?

Which reminds me… I got you a present.

MR. CURRY: A dog collar? But I don’t have a dog.

No, it’s for you.

MR. CURRY: Let me try it on.

Let’s just do a little test, shall we?

MR. CURRY: Test? Ahhhhh!!!

I’ll teach you how to say no to me!

MR. CURRY: Give me that!

Oh!

MR. CURRY: I’ll do anything you ask! Just please stop hurting me!

Then listen to me.

MR. CURRY: The natural history museum. That’ll be two hundred and seventy- oh, it’s on the house.

Grant! Take the bear into the musume.

GRANT: Among the exhibits, there is a lovely cafe.

As for you, Curry.

MR. CURRY: Please don’t hurt me. I have a very low pain threshold.

Wait here and keep watch.

PADDINGTON: Why are all these animals so still?

It’s my secret collection. They are my pretty little dead things, but there is one piece missing… you.

PADDINGTON: Me?

I told you were going to be absolutely stuffed.

PADDINGTON: But I thought we were going to meet the explorer.

Oh, did I forget to tell you? Your beloved explorer… is DEAD!

PADDINGTON: Dead… he can’t be… You lied to me?

Grant, secure the bear, It’s time to put the record straight once and for all!

LADY SLOANE: This is the geographer’s guild, are you a member?

I’m calling with a brand new discovery.

LADY SLOANE: We need a new discovery to put us back on the map, tell me more.

Come to the natural history museum tonight and all will be revealed!

(After everything you never were)

Grant, go guard the entrance while I prepare the equipment.

GRANT: Yes, boss!

AND DON’T MESS IT UP! LIKE YOU DO EVERYTHING… you utterly disappointment.

MR. GRUBER: ANCIENT HISTORY EVERYWHERE…

What happens to the lights?! I can’t stuff a bear in the dark! Grant!

PADDINGTON: Roarrrrrr!!!

Must I do everything myself?

MARY: ONE PAGE AT A TIME!

That’s more like it. Now to get that bear stuffed.

JUDY: Roarrrrrr!!!

What’s that noise?! ………Intruders!

JUDY: They’re in their quick!

Someone’s on to me. If I can’t have you no one can. To the roof!

JUDY: Let him go!

Leave me alone you little, scrotes!

MARY: Don’t talk to my family like that.

Oh, yeah? Maybe I should stuff you first.

MARY: What?

What?

MARY: So please, let him go.

Never!

MARY: How could you? He was our family.

Family means nothing.

JONATHAN: And he was one of us!

My father abandoned me!

HANK: Grandmaaaaaaaaaa!

What????

ALL: EVERYTHING YOU COULD HAVE BEEN!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

GRANT: there you are! Let’s get you out of the way before you cause anymore trouble.

Get off of me! You stupid-

GRANT; No wonder the pigeons attacked you.

No, no, no, Grant. You excellent assistant.

GRANT: Ex-assistant.

What?

MR. CURRY: We will even by her a bright green vest so everyone can watch her scooping up the… s… hocking mess.

You can’t do this to me!