Comm 1131 Unit 2 Joseph Schwartz Northeastern University

5 communication skills for forming new relationships

relationship initiation, skill in self-disclosure, skill in emotional support, skill in negative assertion, conflict management

skill for forming new relationships: relationship initiation

• Ability to make good first impressions, highlight strengths, self-presentation

  • Verbal: intros, give compliments

  • Non verbal: eye contact, handshake, etc

• Ability to initiate plans 

skill for forming new relationships: skill in self disclosure

• Ability to engage in the appropriate level of self-disclosure for the stage of the relationship

  • Level of disclosure typically increase as relationship progresses

skill for forming new relationships: skill in emotional support

• Ability to communicate empathy and warmth, verbally and nonverbally

  • Usually involves active listening rather than telling a partner what to do 

• Communicating responsiveness = care, concern, liking

active listening

1. Demonstrate verbally and non verbally that you are paying attention throughout the exchange

2. Do not interrupt

3. Do defer judgment

skill for forming new relationships: skill in negative assertion

• Revealing negative personal information

• Preserving negative face

  • Saying “no” expressing hurt feelings

skill for forming new relationships: conflict management

Listening, understanding divergent perspectives, refraining from communicating hostility

pattern of relational communication

linear and non linear

relationship stages - models

Stage models depict relationship development and disengagement as largely linear processes  -> knapp’s staircase model

A caveat is that most relationships do not follow nice neat stages, but something like his model gives a framework for how the process will unfold

knapp’s model

Model explains relationship development through coming together stages, maintenance stages, and coming apart stages 

• Explains comm between partners is diff in each stage of the relationship 

• Usually romantic relationships but can be relevant to close friendships

coming together. stage 1: initiating

Focus on first impressions and attraction

Disclosure is low in breadth, depth, frequency, and duration

• Introductions and superficial topics dominate initial convos 

Judgement about how rewarding they think the relationship will be is made quickly

coming together. stage 2: experimenting

• Couples seek more in depth information to see if they are good potential romantic partners

• May involve posing direct or indirect questions or asking a common acquaintance about the potential partner to reduce uncertainty

  • Breadth over depth

  • Positive valence, idea of self presentation 

• Establishing similarities and differences

  • Perceived similarity predicts moving to next stage

• 
  Most relationships do not move beyond this stage. Can find someone pleasant and attraction but might not be a match

coming together. stage 3: intensifying

• Increased contact

  • irl and via texting

• Self disclosure increases and relational commitment begins to manifest 

• More meaningful interactions 

• Uncertainty reduction

  • Secret tests

    • Endurance

    • Public presentations 

    • Separation

    • Third party

    • Triangle

coming together. stage 4: integrating

Couples form a sense of shared, public relational identity

• Changes in verbal communication

  • Using future tense

  • Using “we” instead of “i”

• “Coupling”

• Social networks merge

• Attitudes preferences align - “ we like thai food”

• Higher degree of comfort in disclosing negative personal information

• High levels of disclosure depth and breadth

coming together. stage 5: bonding

Public commitment via social rituals 

• Relationships become “institutionalized” – could be marriage 

• Significant barriers to breakup are erected

  • Merged social networks, shared possessions (car, pet, apartment)

coming apart stage 1: differentiating

Maintain (or re assert) individual identity and autonomy 

• Acting as individuals rather than as a couple

  • Emphasize difference 

• Differentiating can be the result of entering the bonding stage too quickly 

Feeling “tied down” or resentful about commitments in relationship

Increase in conflict

Not necessarily a path toward relational termination. Could mean you need time apart to sort things out.

coming apart stage 2: circumscribing

Partners begin to feel that they have nothing to talk about 

• Tension prohibits asking/doing favors

Sense of closeness may seem to be eroding
- Feeling frustrated, distant, and misunderstood
- Decrease in expression of love and commitment 

Some of this behavior is normal and efforts to reconnect may still be successful. You need to make an effort if you want the relationship to work

coming apart stage 3: stagnation

Comm becomes tense and awkward

It may be difficult to revive relationship in this stage

• Costs are perceived as outweighing benefits

Emotions may including feeling unwanted, sentimental for “the way it used to be” and boredom

A dyad may stay in this stage because the are holding onto positive memories and hope the relationship can turn itself around

coming apart stage 4: avoiding

Individuals in the relationship become separate from one another physically and psychologically

-When there is comm, it is often unfriendly and antagonistic

-Partners make plans about how the breakup will occur

Three forms of distancing are common here:

1. Avoidance: preventing or reducing interaction during an encounter

2. Disengagement: hiding info and interacting in a less personal manner

3. Cognitive dissociation: disregarding messages and showing cognitive or emotional detachment

coming apart stage 5: termination

Break up stage :( 

People develop their own self interests and social network

• Reestablishing independence

• Reestablishing non-dyad identity
  

If comm occurs, it is usually tense, awk, and hesitant

Important to remember that relationship termination may be healthy!

maintenance stage of knapp’s model

Uses middle 4 parts of coming together and coming apart - long term couples will fluctuate through them

model suggests sequential movement

• Info gained in one stage is important in progressing to next stage

• Movement can be forward or backward

  • forward = more intimacy in coming together or less in apart

  • backward = moving away from bonding stage

• Partners can go through the same stages more than once but they can't really go back to “the way things were”

limitations of knapp’s model

not all relationships follow a linear pattern

turning point analysis

turning points = events that prompt a change in commitment (inc or dec)

recognizes “choppy” path some relationships take

events that are turning points in relationships

• Activities and special occasions 

• Proximity and distance

• Crisis and conflict

limitations of turning point analysis

Less predictive power than stage model

We know that turning points change close relationships but it is difficult to predict (often impossible) what the turning point will be and what kind of change it will produce

online relationship development

hyper-personal model

People develop stronger impressions of one another in mediated contexts compared to face to face because they overly rely on the limited info they exchange 

• Forget about what they don’t know and focus on what they do know

• Loses non verbal cues
  

In spite of a more limited amount of info, people may feel like they know each other well - “I haven’t met him/her, but they are my soulmate”

issues with meeting people online and staying only online

People who begin their relationship online and communicate online for an extended period of time before meeting irl may have exaggerated feelings of closeness and liking

• All they are relying on for info is what is selectively presented

• This is called the “intensification effect”

  • The effect of self-disclosure intensifies online 

online, people are both message senders and receivers

1. Message sender have the ability to selectively present themselves and are more conscious of the info they are sharing with others

2. Message receivers may perceive the sender in an idealized manner

3. When the message receiver provides feedback (sends a message back) he or she may reinforce the sender’s modified self-presentation

• The sender’s self presentation is all they know

disclosure

getting to know another person and letting another person get to know you

self disclosure

• Comm that reveals something about the self to others. Typically gradually 

• Promotes trust, closeness, and liking

• Six main dimensions of self-disclosure

6 dimensions of self disclosure

breadth, depth, frequency, duration, valence, veracity

self disclosure dimension - breadth

range of topics. increases before depth

self disclosure dimension - depth

intimacy level. gradual increase over time

self disclosure dimension - frequency

how often do you communicate

self disclosure dimension - duration

length of interactions. inc over time

self disclosure dimension - valence

• Positive - dreams, warm feelings, happy memories

• Negative - hostile feelings, fears, anger

• Starts off positive and then eventually becomes a mix over time in a long term relationship as you are more of your real self and can talk about the things that are bothering you

self disclosure dimension - veracity

truthfulness

social penetration theory

theory that explains and predicts how disclosure occurs in relationships

social penetration theory predictions

• As relationships develop, disclosure becomes more intimate

• Most people know us at on a fairly superficial, public way

• Only a very select group of people know our true, authentic, non-public selves

An individual’s personality is like a multi-layered onion, with a “public self” on the outer layer and a “private, authentic self” at the core

• SPT is sometimes called “the onion theory” 

disclosure leading to liking depends on 3 factors

timing of disclosure, reciprocity of disclosure, types of disclosure

timing of disclosure

Does the disclosure violate the receiver’s expectations surrounding time?

Reciprocity of disclosure- the dyadic effect

• Disclosure needs to be reciprocal, especially in the beginning of a relationship

• Partners disclose at a similar level of intimacy

  • This predicts relationship development 

  • When it is not, relationships are less likely to develop

Personalistic versus indiscriminate disclosure

Personalistic 

• Sender discloses information disclosed to a very select few people. Predicts receiver liking

Indiscriminate

Sender discloses information broadly. Does not predict receiver liking

reciprocity of disclosure

directed self disclosure, non directed self disclosure, delays in reciprocation

directed self disclosure

• “Special” communication to another person

• Predicts reciprocity

non directed self disclosure

• Ie to twitter followers

• Not important

delays in reciprocity

• Common in long term relationships

• Trust and understanding has been established

• Uncertainty is low

• “Give and take”

why do people hesitate to self disclose

Self disclosure makes individuals feel vulnerable and exposed but it is important to relationships

3 typical fears with self disclosure

1. Fear of exposure or rejection

2. Fear of retaliation or angry responses

3. Fear of loss of control

topics commonly kept secret in relationships

1. Sexual history

2. An affair

3. Personality opinion conflicts

• Perceived similarity important for attraction, relationship development, and maintenance

• you might disagree with your partner about something but do not say anything because you do not want to fight or have a discussion on it

motivations for secret keeping

1. Relationship-based motivations

2. Individual-based motivations

3. Information-based motivations

Relationship-based motivations for secret keeping

• Relationship protection

  • Don’t want to damage a relationship

• Relationship destruction

  • Don’t want to end a relationship or prevent it from becoming more intimate 

Individual-based motivations for secret keeping

• Identity management

  • Protecting positive face

• Privacy maintenance

  • Just a more closed off person, relates to closure disclosure as a dialectic tension 

Information-based motivations for secret keeping

• Partner unresponsiveness

  • Perception that partner will not be helpful or knowledgeable

• Futility of discussion

  • Perception that partner is unable or unwilling to understand your position 

• Communication inefficacy

  • Not feeling personally able to discuss a particular issue 

Why is it hard to keep a secret

hyper accessibility, rebound effect, the fever model of self disclosure

hyper accessibility

• Attempting to suppress a thought increases thinking about it (brain makes us focus on it more)

  • Can’t stop thinking about a secret, makes us mentally uncomfortables

  • Suppression is possible if one removes themself from contact with relevant information or secret

rebound effect

• Triggering of thoughts normally suppressed 

  • Triggered by people, environment, etc

the fever model of self disclosure

• Feeling guilty or anxious about a secret is positively associated with disclosing the secret

  • With a fever you feel worse and worse until your fever breaks - we think that if we just say it we will feel better

negative consequences of secret keeping

lower self esteem and mental health issues, lower quality interaction with people from whom the secret is kept, concealment of relational problems/deception

positive consequences of secret keeping

can foster cohesion and trust between secret holders, preservation of personal privacy

three types of closeness

physical closeness, emotional closeness, relational closeness

affectionate communication

• Verbal and nonverbal behaviors that communicate feelings of fondness and positive regard

• Affection has demonstrable mental and physical health benefits - giving and receiving

types of verbal affectionate behaviors

1. Self disclosure

• Sharing personal information, being vulnerable 

2. Direction emotional expressions and compliments

• “You’re a great friend”

3. Assurances 

• About commitment of relationship

types of nonverbal affectionate behaviors

1. Physical contact

• touch

2. Vocalic behavior

• Warm, friendly voice, symmetrical talk time, laughing

3. Idiomatic behaviors 

• Have specific meaning only to people in a particular relationship

• Create a culture of shared meaning which sets the dyad apart from larger culture

  • Special fist bump greeting

immediacy behaviors

• Behaviors that increase a sense of connection and promote involvement between people

• Provide a foundation for close relationships

  • Immediacy can lead to affection 

• Broader than affection, though two can overlap

  • A behavior can be immediate but not affectionate, but not the other way

• Used across a variety of interactions 

  • Friendships, romantic relationships, instrumental relationships 

It is used in a lot of professional contexts. The manager wants to create a sense of connection between you and them and you and your fellow employees.

verbal immediacy behaviors

1. Inclusive word choice

• “Our class” vs “my class”

2. Depth of disclosure

• Deep versus superficial

3. Relationship indicators

• My friend from work vs this guy from work

nonverbal immediacy behaviors

1. Oculesic behaviors that communicate immediacy 

• Eye contact

2. Proxemic behaviors that communicate immediacy 

• Directly facing someone

• Communicating eye to eye

• At the same physical level

3. Kinesics that communicate immediacy

• Nodding

• Open and relaxed body positions

• Smiling

• Body synchrony

• Matching gestures

4. Vocalics that communicate immediacy

• Dynamic pitch

• Dynamic rate

• Vocal warmth

cognitive valence theory

Explains the process of immediacy exchange within a dyad relationship. has two predictions about when one person increases immediacy to another in an attempt at closeness

prediction 1 of CVT

•  Level of arousal influences receiver’s response 

  • Arousal = response or reaction to some sort of stimuli, increases brain activity 

    • Response to touch (non verbal)

    • Response to comment (verbal)

Behaviors that elicit a moderate level of arousal = positive feeling toward the sender

• Touch perceived as appropriate, comment perceived as appropriate

Behaviors that elicit a high level of arousal = stress, anxiety, negative feelings toward sender

• Over stimulating the receiver tends to stress the receiver out

prediction 2 of CVT

If behavior elicited moderate arousal, six cognitive schema influence receiver’s response

• Schema = an individual's mental “script” for how the world should work and how people should behave

The six cognitive schemas from prediction 2

culture, personality, rewardingness of partner, the relationship, the situation, temporary states

The six cognitive schemas from prediction 2 - culture

• Does the increase in immediacy fit with the norms of behavior for a particular culture

  • Yes/no

The six cognitive schemas from prediction 2 - personality

• Is the increase in immediacy congruent with the receiver’s personality and identity?

• Who the receiver is as a person

• yes/no

The six cognitive schemas from prediction 2 - rewardingness of partner

• Does the receiver perceive an increase in immediacy with the sender as rewarding

  • Does the receiver think that the sender is beneficial to be around?

• yes/no

The six cognitive schemas from prediction 2 - the relationship

• Does the sender perceive an increase in immediacy is appropriate for the level of relationship and type of relationship?

• yes

The six cognitive schemas from prediction 2 - the situation

• Does the receiver perceive that the increase in immediacy as appropriate for the context?

  • For the situation the two people are in

• yes/no

The six cognitive schemas from prediction 2 - temporary states

• Is the receiver in the mood for an increase in immediacy?

• yes/no

supportive communication

Verbal and nonverbal behavior produced with the intention of providing assistance to others

These behaviors are usually used as a means of demonstrating concern and care

dual process model of supportive communication question

Will a supportive communication message be helpful?

If the recipient is not willing and able to process a message

content does not matter, environmental cues are important:

• Your level of empathy/level of understanding is important and so is setting 

  • Use non verbals and get them away from the stressful situation

If the recipient is willing and able to process a message the content of the message does matter

• Message needs to be high quality to be effective 

  • High quality = help the recipient reappraise the situation as less distressing or less “the end of the world”

  • The message prompts the recipient to rethink and mentally reframe the distressing event

3 types of supportive communication

emotional support, esteem support, giving advice

supportive comm, emotional support

Expressing care, concern, empathy

supportive comm, esteem support

• Increase a partner’s feelings of self worth

• Promote feelings of value and capability

supportive comm, giving advice

Providing facts and information that might help solve a problem

four areas to consider when giving advice

• contextual factors

• who is giving the advice (the source)

• the style in which advice is given

• the content of the advice

things to consider when giving advice: contextual factors

• Need for your advice 

  • Has your partner already undertaken the best possible action?

    • If yes, offer other support (emotional support, esteem support)

  • Is there anything that can actually be done about the problem?

    • If no, offer other support (emotional support, esteem support)

• Desire for advice

• Sequence of giving advice  — Best way:

Listen, analyze problem collaboratively, offer advice

things to consider when giving advice: the source

expertise, confidence, closeness

things to consider when giving advice: style advice is given

• Does the advice threaten the receiver’s positive face?

  • We do not want to feel inferior to the person dispensing the supporting communication

things to consider when giving advice: content

Usefulness, efficacy, feasibility

invisible support

Support that originates outside the recipient’s awareness

• Typically non verbal

• “Flies under the radar”

• Receiver does not have to ask for it 

• Receiver does not have to acknowledge it

• Sender does not need to recognition that it was provided 

Highly effective in reducing distress

• Stressful for sender if invisible support is perpetually one sided

visible support

Partners notice the supportive actions 

• Receiver asked for support, sender took credit

• Can go awry

• Visible support messages are ineffective when they imply that the distressed person is incompetent -> face threatening

how to determine how effective verbal support is

how “person centered” a message is

highly person-centered messages

• Acknowledges, elaborates on, and validates the feelings and concerns of the distressed person

• Highly effective in providing comfort

  • “I’d be frustrated to get a C too, especially if i studied as hard as you did and i was as smart as you are. I bet you’ll figure out how to do better next time”

Moderately person-centered messages

• Acknowledge the distressed person’s feelings, but they do not help the distressed person contextualize or elaborate on his or her feelings 

• Less effective in providing support

  • “I bet the test was really hard so you shouldn’t feel so bad”

Low person-centered messages

• Implicitly or explicitly deny the legitimacy of the distressed person’s feeling

• Not effective in providing comfort

  • “It’s only one test, so don’t make a big deal of it”

Effective verbal support messages

High person centeredness messages w high levels of nonverbal immediacy are most effective in comforting a distressed person

Sex differences in the experience and expression of closeness

• It is clear that both men and women pursue, value, and maintain close friends

  • May be a difference in how male-male and female-female friends communicate closeness

Agentic friendship

If disclosure occurs, they tend to occur during an activity 

• Males often have side by side friendships - doing things like sports together or playing video games

expressive friendship

In general, female - female friends show closeness through self disclosure and affectionate non verbal communication