scarlet lines

Well, well, well. And I thought I’d seen everything . . .

PLUM. If you say so.

We’re not. The bridge is washed out from the rain. My car broke down, and this Professor offered to give me a ride. I didn’t realize we were headed to the same place until . . . we arrived.

WADSWORTH. Miss Scarlet. Welcome. I didn’t realize you and the Professor were acquainted.

Say . . . what is this godforsaken place anyway?

WADSWORTH. Indeed, it is a long hall. But then, it’s a very large house. This way, please.

My, my, this really is a party.

GREEN. Funny. I haven’t much of an appetite at all.

Hmm.

WADSWORTH. Miss Scarlet.

Mr. Wadsworth, you were saying . . . “You never know when” . . . what?

PLUM. Dinner? That was more like a cocktail minute.

What?

WADSWORTH. What?

ad-lib! (sitting for dinner)

WADSWORTH. You’ll find your names beside your places. Please be seated.

I prefer Kipling myself. Do you like Kipling, Colonel?

WADSWORTH. Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

What did you have in mind, dear?

YVETTE. Not to worry, monsieur; I will keep something warm for him.

Who’s your husband? Maybe I know him.

PEACOCK. (With renewed confidence:) Yes, I am.

Sounds like hard work to me.

WHITE. Well, he just lies around on his back all day.

Never apologize for your true nature, Mr. Green.

GREEN. Sorry, sorry—I’m afraid I’m a little accident-prone.

Aren’t you gonna mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C., Colonel?

MUSTARD. I am, sir.

Oh, I’ve seen you before.

MUSTARD. How did you know that?

Sure do.

GREEN. So, Miss Scarlet, does this mean that you live in Washington, too?

Hey, I’ve got an idea.

WADSWORTH. Ah, speak of the devil. Pardon me, please.

ad-lib! (pretending you weren’t listening at the door)

WADSWORTH. All the guests have arrived as expected, sir. Everything’s going according to plan. We’ll meet you in the Study.

No!

WADSWORTH. Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?

Cigarette? It’ll calm your nerves.

PEACOCK. He’s not here! Nobody’s here? What is happening?!

I’m glad something is.

WADSWORTH. Ladies and gentlemen, these instructions are clear.

ad-lib! (yeah, that’s what my letter said)

WADSWORTH. It seems the six of you have received the same letter. “It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to end a certain long standing confidential and painful financial liability.”

Yeah lady, don’t we all.

PEACOCK. Oh, please! What’s someone going to blackmail me for? I go to church every Sunday!

Who is this Boddy fella, you brutish butler!

WADSWORTH. …the man behind your ransom… is Mr. Boddy himself. Everyone speaks at once.

Oooh, this oughta be good.

WADSWORTH. I’m afraid I have no choice. We’ll start with you, Professor Plum.

Why? What’d he do?

WADSWORTH. So, your work has not changed. But you can’t practice medicine anymore, can you? Your license has been lifted, correct?

Yeah?

WADSWORTH. You know how doctors aren’t supposed to date their lady patients?

I’d say it stinks.

WADSWORTH. Not if it’s publicly declared. But if you slip cash under the stall door at Old Ebbitt’s Grill? How would you describe that transaction?

Not me.

GREEN and MUSTARD. So am I.

Oh, I’m being blackmailed, all right. But I did what I’m being blackmailed for.

WADSWORTH. You’re not being blackmailed?

I run a nongovernmental agency that handles… classified affairs.

PLUM. What did you do?

“It’s not true.”

MUSTARD. Well, you tell him it’s not true!

No, it’s not true.

PLUM. Is that true?

That’s why he’s lying on his back all day! He’s in a coffin.

WADSWORTH. Let’s see, who’s next? Mrs. White, you’ve been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances.

Why would he want to kill you in public?

WHITE. We had a very humiliating confrontation. He threatened to kill me in public.

What was showing?

WHITE. He was found dead at home. Unclothed. But I didn’t do it. I’d been out all evening, at the movies.

A likely story.

WHITE. The Naked Alibi.

Depends on who you ask.

WADSWORTH. A crooked Senator’s wife, a lascivious doctor, a disloyal Republican, and so forth . . . not exactly adhering to an all-American standard of behavior, are you?

All right, Wadsworth—so we’re being blackmailed by a renegade McCarthyist. Where does that leave us?

MUSTARD. Apple pie.

ad-lib! (it’s locked? let us out!)

WADSWORTH. Indeed. All the doors are locked. The windows are barred. And the grounds are patrolled by vicious dogs. There’s no way out!

Why are you blackmailing us? I’m frustrated that I find you attractive!

BODDY. How d’you do?

Ooooh. Mrs. White, in the Study, with her knee!

after everyone spoke up at once, White went up to knee Boddy

What?!

WADSWORTH. There is one more piece of information you may like to have.

Oh goody. Policemen love me.

PLUM. Now let’s not be rash—can’t you call them off?

Unless, what?

BODDY. Unless…

And why would we agree to that?

BODDY. You agree to double down.

ad-lib! (that’s why you brought us here? you stink!)

BODDY. Because if you don’t, I’ll put this briefcase—containing all the evidence needed to expose your wrongdoings—in the hands of the police, the press, and the House Un-American committee. With the right spin, those fellas can make a commie outta anyone. I think some of you would face a lifetime of jail, and others, a lifetime of shame.

Unless what?!

BODDY. Unless…W

What?!

BODDY. Well, there is something you can do for me that would change the game. Something I just can’t bear to do myself.

Perfume?

BODDY. Anyone wanna make a guess as to what’s in your boxes?

A Candlestick? What’s this for?

BODDY. Aren’t guessing games fun? Please—open them.

Wadsworth?!

BODDY. I would have to double your payments if I didn’t have to pay Mr. Wadsworth for his silence.

What a patriot.

BODDY. And why should I when the six of you are so uniquely motivated… and armed?

Is he breathing?!

WADSWORTH. Oh thank goodness.

Look, there’s a bullet lodged here.

WHITE. He’s right. There isn’t.

Something else must have killed him.

PLUM. I don’t know! I’m not a forensics expert.

ad-lib! (me neither! I didn’t do it!)

GREEN. Well, don’t look at me! I didn’t do it!

Well, someone had to stop her screaming.

GREEN. I’m sure you’ll be just fine—

(She still screams.)

There’s nothing to—

Scarlet slaps her.

Looks like now we’ll never know.

GREEN. How should I know?

Boddy’s body!

MUSTARD. What body?

Don’t look at me! All I got was a Candlestick!

WADSWORTH. Well, one of you did. I would have killed him myself, but I didn’t have access to a weapon.

ZE COOK!

YVETTE. Only ze cook.

With a Dagger in her back!

WHITE. It’s the Cook!

Dinner wasn’t that bad.

MUSTARD. Well, who else would want to kill the Cook?

It’s my defense mechanism.

MUSTARD. How can you make jokes at a time like this?

ad-lib! (it wasn’t me/I never saw the dagger)

PEACOCK. In the Study. Any one of us could have picked it up.

Why?

WADSWORTH. Gentlemen, I might suggest we take the Cook’s body into the Study.

Who would move him?

GREEN. Maybe he was dead, but someone moved him!

The bridge is washed out; that should buy us some extra time.

WADSWORTH. I don’t mean to alarm anybody, but we do currently have the small issue of two dead bodies: one missing, one present—and the imminent arrival of the police . . .

No!

MUSTARD. Just give me a clear answer! Is anyone else in the house?

Look, we’ve got a killer on the loose, the missing dead body of Mr. Boddy, a Cook with a Dagger in her back, and all these easily accessible weapons—the Rope, the Revolver, the Candlestick, the Wrench—and—hey, where’s the Lead Pipe?

MUSTARD. Know with a silent K or…

That’s what you said the last time.

PLUM. Stand back! He’s dead.

It’s what we call overkill.

PLUM. Takes a lotta guts to kill someone twice.

Makes a difference to him!

PLUM. What’s the difference?

Cool it, Butler! While you lose your marbles, I’m over here trying to do something useful! Have you all forgotten about the evidence against us?

WADSWORTH. Yes of course, but who did?!? Who did pick up the Lead Pipe? Who picked up the Lead Pipe and brutally murdered Mr. Boddy, leaving him dead and bloodied in the bathroom? Who did that? Who?! Who?!?! Who?!?!?!

Boddy’s briefcase is locked.

ALL. The evidence!

Where’d you get that?

GREEN. Well… all right.O

Or fingerprints?

GREEN. I don’t like germs.

Give it here! It’s empty!

GREEN. No, mostly it’s really just germs. Oh God, it’s so warm. Aha! Got it!

And destroy it!

GREEN. We must find that evidence!

Forget about the bodies! We need to do something about this room full of murder weapons and the homicidal maniac on the loose!

WHITE. Good. They just look asleep.

What good will that do?

WADSWORTH. Let’s put the weapons in the bag!

Terrific! Where’s the safe?

WADSWORTH. I know! We’ll put the bag in the safe!

I don’t see a safe.

Top of Scene 7, following WADSWORTH. In the Hall! Shush.

Ohhh.

PEACOCK. Now is not the time for art appreciation! Butler…

The killer seems to be doing a fine job of opening and closing doors all by himself. I don’t see how us opening the door for one tiny second could possibly make any sort of difference.

WHITE. But maybe, if we open the door, we’d encourage the killer to go out!

No!!!

MUSTARD. Riiiight. There’s nobody in the Study.

None.

MUSTARD. What choice do we have?

Psst!

Top of Scene 10, following MOTORIST death (Yeah, my regular Tuesday night passenger…)

You’ll never believe what I found in the hallway? Professor Plum’s stupid tobacco pipe!

MUSTARD. Oh, there you are.

Who knows! But it seems suspicious if you ask me.

MUSTARD. Huh. What do you think that means?

Honestly, Colonel. This is the last room left to search in this beastly mansion and we still haven’t found the evidence.

MUSTARD. I just did.

Aren’t you a Pollyana.

MUSTARD. I think this time has been productive nevertheless.

You found White’s veil in the Billiard Room? Odd.

MUSTARD. You’re a brave and determined lady, Miss Scarlet. I’ve really enjoyed our time together. I hope after this expedition ends we can remain friends. I mean, really, murders aside, it’s just been a lovely group of people all in all. I suppose I would like to hear Mrs. White explain when and how she lost her veil in the Billiard Room, but . . .

Odd.

MUSTARD. Odd?

How heroic.

MUSTARD. Uh… Ladies first, Miss Scarlet.

How should I know? The lights are off.

MUSTARD. Where are we now?

I would if I could see anything!

MUSTARD. Well turn them on!

Don’t get any funny ideas.

MUSTARD. Well I’m going to feel my way around.

A telephone…

MUSTARD. A table…