HDFS 1060 (UConn) - Exam #2

Friendship

A voluntary, personal relationship, typically providing intimacy, comfort, and assistance, in which the two parties like one another and seek each other's company

Affection

Trust, loyalty, respect, authenticity, and liking between close friends

Communion

Partners give and receive meaningful self-disclosures(open because you trust them), emotional support, practical assistance; norm of equality

Companionship

Share interests and activities; consider each other to be sources of recreation and fun

Differences Between Romantic Love and Friendship

Romantic Love

-Fascination with partner

-Sexual desire

-Greater desire for exclusivity

-More stringent standards of conduct (more loyal)

-More complex feelings

Friendships

-Less confining

-Easier to dissolve

-Less likely to involve overt expressions of positive emotion

-Spend less time together

-Do not typically involve sexual intimacy (no the case with "friends with benefits")

Respect

-We generally like those whom we respect

-Allows for a more satisfying relationship

Trust

-Makes interdependency more palatable

-Allows people to be more comfortable and relaxed in their friendships

-We trust our partners when we are confident that they will behave benevolently toward us - take our best interest into account

-Loss of trust --> corrosive to relationship

Capitalization

We usually share good news with friends and receive enthusiastic, rewarding responses that increase our pleasure and enhance our relationships

-Good friends usually are pleased by our success

-Their excitement can increase our enjoyment

Social Support

Enthusiastic celebration by our partners of our good fortune to uplift us and provide aid

-Not a "one size fits all" attribute

-Forms of social support can be overlapping

-Effective social support leads people to feel closer to those who provide it

-Some people better at providing it than others

-Attachment styles matter (Secure: support comes off as more authentic; Insecure: support seems forced)

Emotional Support

Affection, acceptance, and reassurance

-Has real physiological effects

Physical Comfort/Support

Hugs and cuddling

Advice Support

Information and guidance; we trust our friends' judgements and want their opinions

Material Support

Tangible assistance in the form of money or goods

Invisible Support

Support that is subtly provided without fanfare and actually goes unnoticed by the recipient; unintrusive; doesn't add to stressed person's current woes; often the best type of help

Ex. Maple Donut; sometimes material support isn't always what the person needs

Perceptions of Social Support

-It's not what people do for us but what we think they do for us that matters in the long run

-Perceptions of support often matter more than observed support

-Our personal characteristics also affect our perceptions of social support; has to do with our satisfaction of the partner (how we feel about them)

Responsiveness

Attentive and supportive recognition of our needs and interests; a staple of relationships is responses by friends and partners

Perceived Partner Responsiveness

The judgment that someone is attentive, respectful, caring, and supportive with respect to our needs and aspirations; powerfully rewarding; we are drawn to those who lead us to feel valued, protected, and understood; promotes intimacy, encourages self-disclosure (promotes future openness in the relationship), trust, and interdependency

-When a friend responds/empathizes; gives more of a sense of companionship

Rules for Relationships

Shared cultural beliefs about what behaviors friends should (or should not) perform; helps relationships to operate more smoothly

-These rules are learned during childhood

-When rules are broken, disapproval and turmoil result

Rules of Friendships (Argyle and Henderson)

-Don't nag

-Keep confidences

-Don't be jealous of other relationships

-Stand up for partner in their absence

-Strive to make the other happy when together

-Volunteer help in time of need

-Share successes

-Seek to repay debts, favors

-Have other's best interest at heart

-Enjoyable and fun

-Similar in attitudes and interests

-Helpful, providing material support when needed

Pets as Friends

-Pets can be friends too!

-Give us pleasure, support, companionship

-Tied to interdependency; how satisfied you are with each other

-Tied to similarity between partners

Friendship in Childhood

-As children grow and mature, their friendships gradually grow richer and more complex

-Based on shared activities, acceptance, and proximity/geography

-Sophisticated ways in which adults conduct their friendships are years in the making

Friendship in Adolescence

-More emotionally developed

-During teen years, adolescents increasingly turn to their friends for the satisfaction of important attachment needs

-Friends based on psychological factors (people you trust and have respect for; emotional connection and support; friends don't necessarily share the same interests)

Friendship in Young Adulthood

-After college, people tend to interact with fewer friends

-Deeper relationships with the friends that they have

Dyadic Withdrawal

As people see more of a lover, they see less of their friends (but a lot more of in-laws)

Socioemotional Selectivity Theory

Suggest that seniors aim for quality, not quantity, in their friendships

Gender Differences in Friendship

-Women's friendships are usually characterized by emotional sharing and self-disclosure

-Men's friendships revolve around shared activities

(which are typically needed for intimacy to occur), companionship, and fun

-Same sex friendships tend to be closer/more intimate than men's

Interdependent Self-Construals

Lead people to emphasize their relationships rather than their independence

Individual Differences in Friendship

-Most gays and lesbians have heterosexual friends

-Most heterosexuals do not (think that they) have gay or lesbian friends

Friendship Difficulties

Shyness

-Syndrome that combines resistance and inhibited behavior with nervous discomfort in social settings

-Shy people fear social disapproval and behave timidly, often making negative impressions that they were hoping to avoid; become inhibited and guarded --> poor conversation skills

-Many shy people interact comfortably with others when they are given an excuse for things to go poorly, so they need increased self-confidence instead of better social skills

Loneliness

-Not the same as being alone

-Dissatisfaction and distress occur when we want more, or more satisfying, connections with others, and both social isolation and emotional isolation may be involved

-Results from genetic influence, insecure attachment, low self-esteem, and low expressiveness

-Associated with negative attitudes and drab interactions that are unappealing to others

-Hopeful attributions and reasonable expectations are helpful in overcoming loneliness

-Usually a temporary state; even just one person can come into your life and fulfill emotional needs

Problematic because:

-Need to belong and find intimacy is not fulfilled; can lead to depression

-Higher risk of health problems

Economics of Relationships

-"Give and take"

-What you give/get from your partner emotionally, physically, and materialistically

-Not as romantic; more self centered

-Costs and losses are most important in a relationship

Social Exchange Theory

Relationships are an economic exchange of rewards and costs that lead to outcomes; we want the best possible outcome for ourselves within our comparison level (your personal experiences and expectations for your self)

-People are like shoppers, we want the best deals when it comes to relationships (low energy, high rewards)

-Even if other people tell you that your relationship is perfect but you think that you can do better, you will most likely leave the relationship

Outcomes

Outcome = Rewards - Cost

Rewards: gratifying experiences we receive in a relationship

Costs: punishing/undesirable experiences

*Important but not as important as:

1. Expectations

2. Perceptions of how we'd do without partner

Comparison Level (CL)

What we think we deserve; personal expectations about the outcomes we deserve; our past experiences influence current comparison level

Outcomes - CL = Relationship Satisfaction

Outcomes - CL = Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction

Expectations and Experiences

-If outcomes you receive exceed CL, you're likely happy; you get more than the minimum payoff you expected

-If outcomes fall below CL, you may be dissatisfied even if you are doing better than most people

When do people leave relationships?

-If outcomes are lower than CL or CL for alternatives

-Level of Investment: what you lose if you leave (tangibles/intangibles, barriers [ex. financial barriers])

-Importance of perception: your own perception is most influential

Comparison Level Alternative (CLalt)

Helps us to determine if we can do better somewhere else; outcomes you'd receive if you left the current relationship and moved to the best available alternative

Influenced By:

-Self esteem

-Access to knowing alternatives

-Fewer options to know alternatives = lower CLalt

-Those who are satisfied aren't necessarily looking for an alternative

-Even if we are HAPPY, if there is something better, we take the best deal we can get

-If we are UNHAPPY, we don't leave unless we find something better

Understanding Stability

-CLalt determines dependence on relationship

(Ex. having a lot of alternatives decreases dependence on the relationship)

-Stability = satisfaction, CLalt, dependence

-Staying in or leaving a relationship is NOT simply a matter of rewarding relationship; rewarding relationships are likely to be stable

-We may not have stable relationships if we think we can do better

Dependence

Degree to which a person believes that they are reliant on others for outcomes

Barriers: discouraging leaving by fostering dependence

-finances

-power

-available options

-loneliness (rather be with somebody than nobody)

Investments: what you lose if you leave the relationship

-intimacy

-tangible goods

-psychological benefits

Four Types of Relationships

-Happy & Stable: outcome is higher than both CL and CLalt

-Happy & Unstable: outcome is higher than CL but lower than CLalt

-Unhappy & Stable: outcome is higher than CLalt but lower than CL

-Unhappy & Unstable: outcome is lower than both CL and CLalt

*There is variation between happiness and stability

Rationality

Calculation of rewards, cost, and alternatives before acting; least costly action

Salience

Importance of outcomes depends on significance of a person/situation (not static)

Subjectivity

Perception of a person (may not be accurate, but it's what they believe)

Gothman and Levinson Ratio

-5:1 ratio (most successful relationship)

-[5 good things : 1 bad thing]

Rewards and Costs are Different

-Operate independently

-Fluctuate over time

-Not necessarily opposites

-A reward can become a cost

Approach Motivation

Satisfy desire for good experiences, pursue pleasure, feed positive emotions; desire for feeling good

Avoidance Motivation

Escape punishment or pain

Rewards and Costs Over Time

-Reevaluate comparison levels

-May become complacent and expect more

Self-Expansion Model

Attracted to people who expand the range of our interests, skills, and experiences

Rational Turbulence

-We should expect a time of adjustment and turmoil and partners learn to be independent

-After honeymoon phase (novelty is wearing off)

Transition

-Key time for relationship satisfaction

-Where is this going? What am I doing?

-Successful relationships: friends adjust, drama dies down, doubts diminish

Satisfaction

-Decreases over time

1 in 4 relationships maintain satisfaction

-realistic expectations (comparison levels)

-high self esteem

-discuss touchy issues with compassion

-more approach motivation

-start of happier

May also increase during big transitions

-child being born

-soldier returning home

Unanticipated Costs

1. Lack of effort

2. Interdependency magnifies conflict/friction

3. Access to weaponry (knowing partner's weaknesses)

4. Unwelcomed surprises (Ex. having a baby, ex comes back; leads to more fighting/less satisfaction)

5. Unrealistic expectations

*Explains decrease in satisfaction

Exchange Relationships

-"Tit for tat"

-Governed by expectation of immediate repayments for benefits given

-Track overall balance

-Owing things

Communal Relationships

-Governed by desire for and expectation of mutual responsiveness to others' needs

-Doing nice things and not expecting something in return

-Important for successful and intimate relationships

Equitable Relationships

-Not everything is 50/50

-Equal in other ways

Equity

-Should be fairness in the relationship

-Partner who gives more to the relationship also receives more

-Contribution should equal outcome

Outcome level probably matters more than inequity

Overbenefitting

-One partner receives better outcomes than they deserve

-May feel guilty

-Doesn't bother most people when this happens

Underbenefitting

-One partner receives less than they should

-Feels exploited, used, unhappy

-Usually linked with distress in a relationship

Restoring Equity

-Request better treatment so outcome is better

-Try to restore actual equity

-Reduce contributions and hope outcomes improve

-Psychological equity: lower expectations

-Abandon the relationship

Commitment

-Happy dependence with partner is linked to commitment

-High satisfaction --> commitment

-Large investment in partner --> commitment

Accommodative Behavior

Put up with bad behavior to help calm the situation and not make it worse

*associated with committed relationships

Willingness to Sacrifice

-Giving up self interests for the good of the relationship

-Do things you wouldn't do on your own

*associated with committed relationships

Perceived Superiority

We think our relationship is better than others' even if it's troubled

*associated with committed relationships

Personal Commitment

We want the relationship to continue due to high satisfaction

Structural/Constraint Commitment

Feeling an obligation to maintain the relationship because it would cost too much to leave

Moral Commitment

Staying with the relationship because you believe it's morally right (ex. believing in sanctity of marriage - can't divorce)

Communication

A transitional process in which individuals create, share, and regulate meaning

-Incredibly important in interpersonal relationships

-More complex than we realize (many possible breaking points)

Transactional

Interaction of an individual with one or more persons

Steps of Communication

Step 1: Intentions of Sender

-Private only to the sender

-Once conveyed, encoded into verbal and nonverbal cues (style of endcoding)

-Can be changed by sender's mood, sender's social skills, distraction/noise (environment)

Step 2: Sender's Actions

-Public actions

-Observable by anyone

-Can also accompany noise/interference in environment

-Then, needs to be decoded by listener

Step 3: Effect of Listener

-Private

-Known only by listener

Interpersonal Gap

-Message doesn't always have the impact we intend; we often don't know if they do

-We typically don't expect partners to misunderstand us

-Frustrating, directly linked to dissatisfaction

-May prevent rewarding relationships from occurring

Functions of Nonverbal Communication

1. Provides information

-about mood/meaning

2. Regulates interaction

-determines whether or not interaction begins

-offers cues for conversations

3. Defines relationship

4. Interpersonal Influence/Social Control

-body language; designed to influence

5. Impression Management/Service-Task Function

-nonverbal behavior managed by person to create/enhance particular image

6. Presentational Function

-some things defined by a particular task

Components of Nonverbal Communication

1. Facial Expression

-universal (same across cultures); hardwired

-signals moods and emotions; recognized anywhere you go

-happy expressions linked with success

-accurate recognition of emotions is almost an automatic process

Display Rules

-intensify/exaggerate; appear to be feeling stronger feelings

-minimize expression; "boys don't cry"

-neutralize; withhold feelings

-mask; replace with entire different emotion

2. Gazing Behavior

-the direction and amount of a person's looking behavior

-communicates interest

-defines relationship (ex. lovers look more at each other with affection)

3. Body Movement

-can replace spoken words entirely in the form of widely understood gestures (ex. middle finger)

-vary widely from culture to culture

-less specific

4. Touch

-physical contact with another can have various meanings (ex. awkward handshake)

-offers important information (intimate lovers vs. boss and subordinate)

5. Interpersonal Distance

-intimate zone (not uncomfortable, shows physical desire, making out)

-personal zone

-social zone

-public zone

-spacing is a subtle way to calibrate intimacy

-need some distance here and there

6. Paralanguage

-variations in voice (rhythm, pitch, loudness, rate)

-not what people say but HOW they say it

-sounds we make

-lovers have different rhythms than friends (longer pauses in speech, say less overall)

7. Combining Nonverbal Components

-usually components reinforce each other

-work together to convey info. and intentions

Verbal Communication

-Things we actually say

-Self-disclosure (revealing info --> brings people closer)

Social Penetration Theory

Relationships develop as communication systematically changes; from small talk to meaningful revelations

Breath: variety

Depth: personal significance

Reciprocity: responsiveness

-Gradual process; saying too much too soon can hurt the relationship

Interpersonal Model of Intimacy

-Genuine intimacy occurs only when certain conditions are met

-Want revelations met with interest, sympathy, and respect

-We need responsiveness

-If we get responsiveness, then trust builds and intimacy increases

-If not, we back off and disclosures decrease

3 Things That Need to Happen to Become Close

1. Engage in meaningful self-disclosure

2. Respond to each other's personal information with interest

3. Need to recognize that the other is being responsive

Secrecy

-Privacy is important (keep somethings to ourselves even in intimacy)

-Too many private things can become a problem

-Partner may steer away from taboo topics (most taboo topic is often the state of the relationship itself)

Self-Disclosure

-Breeds liking and contentment if it fits the situation

-More self disclosure --> happier and closer relationship

-We like others BECAUSE we self disclose to them

-Feels good to give and receive self disclosures

-People who self disclose have better health

Gender Differences in Self-Disclosure

Women

-Discuss feelings, personal matters, and gossip

-More indirect and tentative

-More self disclosure in established relationship

-Do less of the talking when with men

Men

-Discuss impersonal objects and actions, seek humor instead of support/counsel

-Be more direct and confident

-Talk more if with women

-Self disclose less to other men than women

-Differences are culturally influenced; not all societies show this pattern

-Differences are related much more to levels of expressivity and instrumentality than to gender

Communication NOT done Face-to-Face

-Texting and email

-In text we can use emoticons

-We tend to believe that our messages are more exact and unambiguous than they really are

Dysfunctional Communication

Problems with Expression

-Kitchen Sinking: listing everything that's wrong at once; everything is fair game, gets dragged into the conversation; causes primary concern to get lost

-Drifting Off Beam: wandering off topic; jump from topic to topic so you can never address one topic itself

Problems with Listening/Hearing Each Other

-Mindreading: people assume they understand partners' thoughts/feelings without asking; everyone mind reads to some extent, but it's bad to do it in hostile ways

-Interrupting: you can communicate well and do this, if it's about clarification; one of the most negative

-Yes-Butting: constantly finding a problem with other person's argument

-Cross-Complaining: someone tells you a problem and you don't address it

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

1. Criticism: attacking someone's personality or character rather than their behavior

2. Contempt: insulting and psychologically abusing your partner, usually accompanied by an eyeroll or sneer

3. Defensiveness: denying responsibility, making excuses, and cross-complaining

4. Stone-Walling: withdrawing physically, psychologically, or emotionally from the interaction; conveying icy distance, condescension, or disinterest

Communication Styles

-Volatile Couples

-Avoidant Couples

It doesn't matter which style (one is not better than the other); what does matter is the number of positive and negative interactions*

Volatile Couples

-Grand fights and grander making up

-VERY open, high levels of emotional expressiveness (good and bad)

-Don't tend to listen well; interrupt a lot

-Marriage should be independent and strengthen the individual

Avoidant Couples

-Minimize conflict, make light of differences

-Ignore rather than resolving; resolution = "wait until it goes away"

-Emphasize separateness

-Avoid problems

-Deny issues

Fixing Communication Problems

Saying What You Mean

-behavior description; focus on manageable behaviors

-I Statements and XYZ Statements

Active Listening

-paraphrasing: repeating in own words, let sender agree

-perception checking; ask partner for clarification

Being Polite and Staying Cool

-time outs may be needed; ask for a short break from fight

-can lead to better outcome

Respect and Validation

-legitimize partner's position

-agree to disagree

Kitchen Sinking

Listing everything that's wrong at once; everything is fair game, gets dragged into the conversation; causes primary concern to get lost

Drifting Off Beam

Wandering off topic; jump from topic to topic so you can never address one topic itself

Mindreading

People assume they understand partners' thoughts/feelings without asking; everyone mind reads to some extent, but it's bad to do it in hostile ways

Interrupting

You can communicate well and do this, if it's about clarification; one of the most negative

Yes-Butting

Constantly finding a problem with other person's argument

Cross-Complaining

Someone tells you a problem and you don't address it

Intimacy

Typically involves sex, or has some kind of sexual component

Sexual Identity

Label used to describe oneself

Heterosexual

-Straight

Homosexual

-Lesbian

-Gay

Bisexual

LGB - abbreviation for lesbians, gays, and bisexuals

-Sexual Minorities

-Queer

Three Dimensions of Sexual Orientation

1. Attraction

2. Behavior

3. Identity

Attraction

Desire; enduring pattern of experiencing sexual or romantic feelings for men, women, transgender persons, or some combination; who you have romantic/sexual feelings for

Behavior

Enduring pattern of sexual or romantic activity with men, women, transgender persons, or some combination of these groups; who you have sex with

Identity

(A.) Personal identity; conception of the self based on one's sexual attraction and behavior

(B.) Social identity; sense of membership in a group based on shared sexual orientation

Jane Ward Study

-"Dude Sex"

-Guys who claim they are straight but have sex with other men

Are these guys gay?

-There are more acceptable ways for people to express their sexuality today

Kinsey's Continuum

-Sexuality is fluid

-Can change over time