miller chapter 7 - friendship

friendship

are based on the same building blocks of intimacy as romances are, but the mix of components is usually different

attributes of friendship

characterized by three themes

Affection: friends like, trust, and care for each other

Communion: friends provide reliable help and support

Companionship: friends are sources of recreation and fun

compared to romances, friendships are

Less passionate

Less exclusive

Less confining, entailing fewer obligations to one’s partner

Less likely to involve overt expressions of positive emotion

rich friendships are 

intimate relationships involving 

• respect

• trust 

• responsiveness

• capitalization

• social support

rules for friendship

are shared cultural beliefs about what behaviors friends should and should not perform

There are universal standards of conduct in friendships that can make or break those relationships

rules of friendship (across cultures)

Don’t nag

Keep confidences

Show emotional support  

Volunteer help in time of need  

Trust and confide in your friend  

Share news of success with your friend 

Don’t be jealous of each other’s relationships  

Stand up for your friend in his or her absence  

Seek to repay debts and favors and compliments  

childhood and adolescence

Friendships gradually become richer and more complex as they age

The sophisticated ways in which adults conduct their friendships are years in the making

young adulthood

According to classic theory, young adults are in a stage in which they develop either “intimacy” or “isolation”

And after college, they tend to interact with fewer friends but have deeper, more interdependent relationships with the friends they do have

midlife

A pattern of dyadic withdrawal occurs when people settle into romantic relationships:

As they see more and more of a lover, they see less and less of their friends, particularly their friends of the other sex

old age

Elderly people have smaller social networks than younger people do

They have just as many close friends as they did when they were younger, but they spend less time with casual friends

The best explanation comes from socioemotional selectivity theory, which holds that, because they’re focused on the present instead of the future, elderly people seek quality, not quantity, in their close relationships

gender differences in same-sex friendships

women’s friendships tend to be more intimate than men’s 

Women’s friendships are characterized by emotional sharing and self-disclosure

Men’s friendships revolve around shared activities, companionship, and competition

dark triad

three traits that promote behavior that is arrogant manipulative exploitative cold and hostile

narcissism, machiavellianism, psychopathy 

self confident and cleverness can be attractive but over time make lousy friends

narcissism 

arrogant self-importance, entitlement, and selfishness

machiavellianism

Being cynical, duplicitous, and manipulative and readily lying for one’s self-interest

psychopathy

impulsivity and callous disregard for other’s feelings and well-being

shyness

It’s the personality characteristic that combines social reticence and inhibited interactive behavior with nervous discomfort in social settings

they fret about social disapproval and feel ill at ease in social situations

As a result, they interact with others in an impoverished manner

If they don’t avoid an interaction altogether, they behave in an inhibited, guarded fashion; they look at others less, smile less, speak less often, and converse less responsively

The timid and reticent behavior that characterizes shyness can seem aloof and unfriendly, thereby eliciting less warmth and acceptance from others

probably do not need formal training in interaction skills because they do just fine when they relax and quit worrying about how they’re being judged

you may make better impressions on others if you actually care less about what they think

The values reflect arousal in the form of increases in heart rate as the interaction begins

loneliness

a feeling of deprivation and dissatisfaction that emerges from a discrepancy between the kind of social relations we want and the kind we have

depends on both our perceptions and our desires and on a mismatch between the amount of intimacy we want and the amount we have

If we lack the kind of relationship we desire, we can be lonely despite having other quite rewarding social interactions

social loneliness

people are dissatisfied because they lack a social network of friends and acquaintances

emotional loneliness

people are lonely because they lack affection and emotional support from at least one intimate relationship

loneliness matters

It has physiological effects that have direct impact on health

Lonely people have higher blood pressure and weaker immune systems

Lonely people over the age of 50 are more likely to die in the next six years than are those with richer connections to others

characteristics associated with loneliness

genetic influences, personality, insecure attachment

genetic influences

Some people are born being more likely than others to experience bouts of loneliness in life

personality

Higher levels of extraversion, agreeableness, and conscientiousness reduce the chances that we’ll be lonely. Higher levels of neuroticism increase that chance

insecure attachment

People with secure styles of attachment tend to be less lonely than those who are insecure

coping with loneliness

Hopefulness is more likely to cure loneliness than dour pessimism is

• To overcome loneliness, seek new friendships, not romances

• Watch out for sour attitudes and stay positive

• Patiently recognize that friendship takes time