Postmortem - Leo Barrett

Lines for Leo Barrett in Postmortem

BOBBY: Well what do you know. At long last…

LEO: Listen to him, the new speed king.

MARION: Another minute and we’d have been soaked. He drives like an old woman.

LEO: Hello dear. You were wonderful tonight, just wonderful.

MAY: Thanks. You too.

LEO: Oh, my usual round of boos and hisses. That’s what I like about playing villains. If the audience hates you, it means they love you. And if they love you they hate you.

MAY: I wouldn’t.

BOBBY: I would.

LEO: Did you survive in that contraption of his?

MAY: I kept my eyes closed.

LEO: I’d have jumped.

MARION: I’d divorce him and the car both. Now don’t dawdle, get me a drink.

LEO: Two.

MARION: …Oops.

LEO: You certainly have a way with words my dear.

MARION: Sorry. I forgot. Hallowed ground.

LEO: Damn stupid, if you ask me.

MARION: I said I was sorry!

LEO: Not you. Him! Your brother.

MARION: Oh.

LEO: A year to the day since… Maude shot herself, and he has a party.

MARION: Oh he knows, believe me. Willie doesn’t miss a thing.

LEO: Very poor taste if you ask me. I told him so, too.

BOBBY: What did he say?

LEO: He said “Life, old boy, is for the living, not the dead.”

MARION: Well good for him. At least he’s being sensible for a change.

LEO: Sensible? I’m glad you think so. They were engaged to be married for god’s sake.

MARION: Well he can’t go on mourning her forever.

LEO: Suppose that one year ago today, I had shot myself through the head. Would you be having a party, dear?

MARION: Well no, I wouldn’t. I mean, my god, who would I get to make the dip?

LEO: Yes… Well, taste aside, I must admit I simply cannot wait for tomorrow night. Though how the hell the Ashton’s got Sarah Bernhardt to go to their party, I will never know.

MARION: Here it comes.

LEO: He has it memorized.

BOBBY: According to Variety… Ashton Senior has some money in the tour. And she’s staying at his place all weekend.

LEO: She’s there now? It’s just down the road.

BOBBY: That’s what it said.

LEO: Oh, my god. I think I’ll cry.

MARION: Not here, darling. Wait and do it at Sarah’s feet. She’ll be so pleased.

LEO: You needn’t be jealous, dear. She’s even older than you are.

BOBBY: Is she really so wonderful? I mean, everyone hears about Sarah Bernhardt—

LEO: Bite your tongue. I saw her in Camille almost thirty years ago and realized instantly I’d seen a legend. It’s the voice. No one can touch her.

MARION: I think he played with her once.

LEO: Did he? The lucky dog.

BOBBY: Where is he, anyway? Ashamed to face me?

LEO: I shouldn’t think so.

MAY: I don’t see what’s funny about it! He could have had an accident.

LEO: He did not have an accident.

MARION: How do you know?

LEO: In fact, ladies and gentlemen, he arrived here safely, and our friend, Mr. Macready, saw him do so.

MACREADY: I didn't see him, sir, I swear it—

LEO: You did, though, didn’t you? You saw him enter this house, you knew that Bates was not in the hospital—

MACREADY: Get back! Get back! I’ll shoot ya daed, I swear ta God!

LEO: The game is up, Macready. Shall I call the police?

GILLETTE: I should have known you’d spot it, Proffessor Moriarty.

LEO: (Moriarty voice) After twenty years, Mr. Holmes, I could recognize you under a haystack.

MARION: Jesus Christ…

LEO: Calm yourself, dear.

GILLETTE: “If music be the food of love, play on.”

LEO: “That instant was I turned into a hart, And my desires like fell and cruel hounds, E’er since pursue me.”

GILLETTE: “The heart is deceitful above all else, and desperately wicked.”

LEO: Othello?

GILLETTE: Jeremiah. The Good Book.

LEO: Showoff.

MARION: You really should have let him be. We could have ordered him around all night.

LEO: No that would have been fun.

GILLETTE: He’s on vacation. Living it up in Atlantic City. I think I must pay him too much…

LEO: I can assure you, Gillette, speaking as an employee, you don’t pay anyone too much.

BOBBY: Lilly!

LEO: Well well well…

LILLY: Sometimes I’d just like to shake him until he rattles!

LEO: I know the feeling.

GILLETTE: Very good, Marion. Excellent.

LEO: Louise.

BOBBY: That’s an understatement. She got hysterical. She went nuts. They had to inject her.

LEO: She had a nervous breakdown. It is not uncommon.

BOBBY: …Sure. If you say so.

LEO: People do recover from these things. All the time.

MARION: If you ask me, I think it was stupid.

LEO: Marion…

BOBBY: I just knew this would be a fun weekend.

LEO: Oh, don’t be a fool.

MAY: Is Louise in the theatre?

LEO: She was, yes. She played the maid in the current production. But of course she left the show. After that night.

LOUISE: Hello, Lilly.

LEO: Louise… welcome!

LOUISE: Leo, you look wonderful.

LEO: Well, so do you. Just fabulous…

GILLETTE: …How do I know that the driver of your unfortunate taxicab… was Irish?

LEO: It’s gone to his brain, Lilly, call the doctor

BOBBY: Fraud!

LEO: Let’s burn him as a witch.

LILLY: Bravo!

BOBBY: Bravo!

LEO: Hear hear.

LOUISE: That immortal prose. It will never leave me.

LEO: Have you gotten back to it yet? Acting.

LOUISE: No. No I’ve changed professions, actually.

LEO: Ah.

LILLY: Oh. How nice.

LEO: A medium—?

GILLETTE: How I envy you.

LEO: Yes…

MARION: …Fine.

LEO: It’s all right with me.

BOBBY: Now you’re talking.

LEO: I think I could manage a little something…

LILLY: This way.

LEO: My dear.

LOUISE: If no one wants to get through. I’m afraid it’s really out of my hands.

MEN: (Laughter)

GILLETTE: …You’ll do Polonius.

LEO: Oh sure. You get all the curtain calls, and I get stabbed up the arras.

BOBBY: Righto.

LEO: Lilly. It really was a superb dinner.

BOBBY: I quite like brains, actually.

LEO: Next time ask for a second helping.

BOBBY: I wish I knew someone who’d died recently. All of my friends are so healthy.

LEO: How sad for you.

GILLETTE: Well that should do it…

LEO: Looks all right.

LOUISE: I must ask you to be quiet, please.

LEO: Good luck with Marion.

MAY: Do something!

LEO: For god’s sake!

MAY: I know! I know…

BOBBY: May?…

LEO: God almighty.

BOBBY: Oh my god—

LEO: Oh, no…

GILLETTE: He’s alive.

LEO: (Groggy) What… what happened…

MARION: Shh. Hold your head up.

LEO: I think I fainted.

MARION: Chest pains?

LEO: Hm-m. …No.

MARION: Are you sure?

LEO: I’m sure.

MAY: Leo?

LEO: I’m fine, dear. Are you alright?

MAY: I guess so.

LEO: Maude.

GILLETTE: Let’s go. You too. You can finish that upstairs.

LEO: Right.

GILLETTE: Watch the step.

LEO: I’m really quite alright. Not exactly my finest hour.

LOUISE: Leo? I’m very sorry.

LEO: Hardly your fault. Just the shock, I guess. Maude…

GILLETTE: Can I bring you anything? Tea? More Brandy?

LEO: No, no. I’m fine. Just fine…

GILLETTE: Will do.

LEO: Good night.

MARION: She follows him around like a bloodhound.

LEO: (Off.) Marion! (Enters.) Marion! Will you get the hell up here. She borrowed a comb, for god’s sake. A stupid comb.

MARION: While I happened to be out.

LEO: She didn’t know that.

MARION: How very convenient.

LEO: What’s the matter with you?

MARION: With me? The bastard feels guilty and he blames me.

LEO: I do not feel guilty!

MARION: Boy, are you a lousy liar!

LEO: MARION, YOU’RE MAKING A SCENE! …Now get upstairs!

BOBBY: I see. Not bad…

LEO: I thought I heard you. How’s the arm?

GILLETTE: On the mend. A bit stiff.

LEO: You’re lucky it’s there at all.

BOBBY: Did you kiss and make up?

LEO: Mind your own damn business.

BOBBY: Well, we’re all certainly in a good mood this evening.

LEO: What the hell do you expect!

GILLETTE: Trouble in paradise?

LEO: Let’s just say the waters are a bit choppy, but the storm is passing.

GILLETTE: Marriage.

LEO: Right. “Makes man and wife one flesh, but leaves ‘em still two fools.”

GILLETTE: …Sheridan?

LEO: Congreve. Ha!

GILLETTE: Not my day.

LEO: Any progress? With the police?

GILLETTE: …, then with any luck I’ll be murdered there.

LEO: Gillette. You don’t really believe it was someone here, do you? I mean one of us.

GILLETTE: Oh, absolutely. There’s no question about it.

LEO: Well I don’t. Not for a second.

BOBBY: …but it’s pretty obvious someone in this house is a killer.

LEO: Not to me. Just the opposite. It’s a question of logic. Look, if somebody really wanted to kill him, then logically they would try it anyplace but here. They’d wait, then do it elsewhere. So much safer.

GILLETTE: Exactly. Exactly right. That is the key to everything.

LEO: There. You see.

GILLETTE: I will admit for a time I was fooled. The disguise, of course, is extremely clever.

LEO: Gillette are you feeling all right?

GILLETTE: The disguise being worn by the killer this very instant.

LEO: Louise!

LOUISE: Did I miss a button?

LEO: Louise, you look gorgeous.

BOBBY: I just hope we get to talk to her. I’ll bet they have hordes of people there.

LEO: Over a hundred. That’s what I heard.

BOBBY: Hm? Well that’s a thought. Leo?

LEO: Yes, why don’t we. I could always use a few extra dollars.

LILLY: Leo. Do something.

LEO: Well… he’s got a point. About the gunman, I mean. I’m sure he’ll be safe.

LILLY: Leo!

LEO: But, on the other hand, you really ought to come.

MARION: A tower of strength.

LEO: Marion, if the man wants a quiet evening by himself, I don’t see why he shouldn’t have it.

MARION: Don’t you?

LEO: No!