Sammy Wedding Singer

HOLLY: The last guy I dated was Sammy. All he ever gave me was an “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt. it was then that I realized: I was stupid.

Did I just hear my name mentioned? We been broken up six months, and you still can’t talking about ol’ Sammy. Hows about I buy you a drink?

HOLLY: They’re free, jackass.

You know, Holly, your lips are saying “no”, but your eyes….

…yeah, they’re pretty much saying “no” too.

SCENE TWO/END OF “SOMEDAY”

So there’s a “Battle of the Bands” in Paramus on the 18th. First prize is you get to make a demo with the guy who produces all of Bon Jovi’s albums. I signed us up.

ROBBIE: We have the Schwartz wedding that night.

So what?

ROBBIE: We’re just supposed to not show up on the most important night of someone’s life?

What about our lives? Are you forgetting why we formed this band? “Money for nothing, chicks for free?” This is a business; we have to start thinking of it like a business: getting our music out there, advertising, exploiting our contacts

GEORGE: Contacts? The only famous guy we know is that weatherman from Channel 2 who made a pass at you at Arby’s.

I’m not calling him.

Not again.

Look, we’ll figure something out. But right now, it’s time for Robbie Hart’s last night out as a free man!

ROBBIE: I appreciate the offer guys, but I’ve gotta finish writing this song for my wedding tomorrow.

Oh, come on! We got a whole evening planned!

GEORGE: I made quiche!

George made quiche!

ROBBIE: I’m sorry, guys. This song is real important.

Your loss, bro.

Come on, George! Since Robbie’s not coming, I’ll buy you a lap dance instead! (exit after next George line)

ROBBIE: Oh, that was nice of her.

(hand Robbie a note) She wanted me to give you this.

ROBBIE: “Your pal?

All right, just take a deep breath, and I’ll be right back.

(grabs microphone from priest) Father.

Alright, microphone check, 1 2 1 2. Potato potatio. Folks, I’m afraid there has been a… an unexpected… uh… snafu.

GEORGE: Oh, god…

Look, everything’s fine, Linda’s fine, Robbie’s fine, there’s just been a… a real sudden, last minute, umm… change of… uh… The bitch ain’t comin.

GEORGE: I knew it! I hate her! I hate her…

I’m sure we all hate her, but our focus right now needs to be on Robbie.

Robbie? Where’d Robbie go?

END OF SOMEBODY KILL ME

Dude?

Me and George, we’ve been getting kind of worried. You don’t seem to be bouncing back from this so good.

GEORGE: Forget her! We have a gig tonight. The McDonnough wedding?

(sees something in Robbie’s hand) What is that thing?

GEORGE: Guys… Sammy…

(grabs the doll) It’s the plastic bride from the top of the wedding cake.

GEORGE: Okay, this is even worse than I thought. Robbie is suffering from post-traumatic perception syndrome.

What?

GEORGE: It’s what used to happen to Luke on “General Hospital” after he saw his sister thrown off Stefano’s yacht and eaten by seals. Robbie might not be able to perform for several years.

What do you mean? This is a critical summer for the band! What are we gonna do without our lead singer? I am not going back to work at the Orange Julius.

Look, Robbie…

ROBBIE: Whatever you have to say, I don’t want to hear it.

I found this note taped onto your basement door. I took the liberty of reading it, and I think it really puts things in perspective.

END OF “A NOTE FROM GRANDMA”

You gotta get back on the horse, Robbie. Did Rocky lay there on the canvas when Apollo Creed knocked him down? No! Did Marty McFly give up when his time machine ran out of plutonium? No! Did that hot chick in “Flashdance” stop… flashdancing just because she had a lot of welding and shit to do?

ROBBIE: What the hell are you talking about?

You gotta seize the moment man. Use your pain to fuel your rise to the top. And if you can’t do it yourself, do it for us guys in the band. C’mon, get up and go spread that Robbie Hart joy. Trust me, it’ll make you feel better!

HOLLY: He just had his heart broken. What idiot talked him into coming back to work?

People can be such assholes…

GEORGE: LAZMAN HAZEH

HOLLY: You’ve got to be kidding me.

What? We’re just friends, dancin’. Remember when we broke up, you said that you wanted us to still be friends.

JULIA: I guess I was just floored that a guy like that would be so interested in someone who was just a waitress, you know?

Remember when we were dancing at that club, and my pants fell down?

HOLLY: Yeah, that was kind of funny.

We had a pretty good laugh… man, you were hot back then…

What’d I say?

ACT TWO (END OF SOMEDAY REPRISE)

“Where’s the beef?” That lady’s hilarious when she says that, right? Hey, Holly. I brought you some decorations for Julia’s bachelorette party.

HOLLY: Surprise bachelorette party.

JULIA: It’s okay, Sammy. I didn’t hear anything.

Yo, my mom had some decorations and shit left over from my dad’s parole party.

HOLLY: Oh. Thanks. Nothing says “Bachelorette Fun” like streamers that say “Welcome Home, Snitch!"

Why you gotta be busting my chops 24/7? I bet you still haven’t gotten over me. That’s why you were all over Robbie the other night, to make me jealous.

Right?

HOLLY: Why don’t you ask Robbie?

(pulls out rose) What the hell is this?

It’s one of those roses you buy at the Sunoco station.

HOLLY: It comes with an air freshener?

I remember the other day you said your car smelled like McRib and socks.

HOLLY: No, I said you smelled like McRib and socks.

Well, lucky for you, the McRib is only available for a limited time.

And you know what, Holly? So am I!

(ALL ABOUT THE GREEN REPRISE)

ROBBIE: Cause it’s all about the…

Hey, man, how come you’re not at your new Wall Street job?

ROBBIE: I called in sick.

On your second day?

ROBBIE: Quit nagging me! Either start drinking or get out!

(turns to George) I just don’t know who that guy is anymore. Missed the last two rehearsals, makes out with my ex-girlfriend. Guys like us should have a pact. We should never make out with each other’s chicks.

GEORGE: You got a deal, pumpkin. Ricky, I’ll have a Pink Squirrel.

(to Robbie) Look, you’ve gotta snap out of this. If something good doesn’t happen soon with the band, they’re gonna make me manager at the Orange Julius. Then I’ll never get out.

BUM: They rip your heart…. out of your ass!

ROBBIE: Exactly.

Did something happen with Holly?

ROBBIE: Nah. She kissed me. Once. But I’m not in love with Holly.

Thank you Jesus!

ROBBIE: I’m in love with Julia.

Julia? What’s up with that, bro?

ROBBIE: From now on, I’m gonna be with a new woman every night. And as soon as I’m done with them, I’m gonna send them packing.

Now you’re talking!

Guys like us don’t need some steady chick bringing us down. It’s much better flying solo. Trust me.

ROBBIE: You know what? You’ve convinced me.

To go tell Julia how I feel.

We’ll go with you.

JULIA: Hi, pleased to meet you, I’m Mrs. Robbie Hart. Robbie and I are so pleased you could come to our wedding…

Don’t worry ‘bout her reaction, man. Just go full kamikaze…

(notices Robbie’s face) What’s wrong?

ROBBIE: Look how happy she is. I can’t ruin her life. I have absolutely nothing to offer her.

Word.

ROBBIE: Get out!

Hey Robbie, we’re gonna be late…

(sees Linda) Holy crap. Linda, you look great!

LINDA: Really?

No.

(to Robbie) I gotta go.

ROBBIE: Sammy, can I borrow your credit card?

You’re gonna pay me back, right?

ROBBIE: No. I will not.

Fine. Here.

HOLLY: That was so sweet. But what are you going to do without a credit card?

They just keep coming in the mail. We’re rich, baby!