Monologue

You never knew that did ya'?

He never confided in you.

You wanna' drink?

Yeah, he lost his real teeth one at a time.

Woke up every morning

with another tooth lying on the mattress.

Finally, he decides he's gotta' get 'em

all pulled out but he doesn't have any money.

Middle of Arizona with no money and no insurance

and every morning another tooth is lying on the mattress.

So what does he do?

He begs the government.

G.I. Bill or some damn thing.

Some pension plan he remembers in the back of his head.

And they send him out the money.

They send him the money but it's not enough money.

Costs a lot to have all yer teeth yanked.

They charge by the individual tooth, ya' know.

I mean one tooth isn't

equal to another tooth.

Some are more expensive.

Like the big ones in the back--

So he locates a Mexican dentist in Juarez

who'll do the whole thing for a song.

And he takes off

hitchhiking to the border.

How long you think it takes

him to get to the border?

A man his age.

Eight days it takes him.

Eight days in the rain and the sun

and every day he's droppin' teeth on the blacktop

and nobody'll pick him up

'cause his mouth's full a' blood.

So finally he stumbles into the dentist.

Dentist takes all his money and all his teeth.

And there he is, in Mexico,

with his gums sewed up and his pockets empty.

Then I go out to see him, see.

I go out there and I take him out for a nice Chinese dinner.

But he doesn't eat.

All he wants to do is drink Martinis outa' plastic cups.

And he takes his teeth out

and lays 'em on the table 'cause he can't stand the feel of 'em.

And we ask the waitress for one a' those

doggie bags to take the Chop Suey home in.

So he drops his teeth in the doggie bag

along with the Chop Suey.

And then we go out to hit

all the bars up and down the highway.

Says he wants to introduce

me to all his buddies.

And in one a' those bars,

in one a' those bars up and down the highway,

he left that doggie bag

with his teeth laying in the Chop Suey.

We went back but

we never did find it.

Now that's a true story.

True to life.