CFS135 Ch. 5 (Exam 2)

Communication for Problem Solving

Humanistic Psychology (Rogers)

• People are inherently good & naturally strive toward self-actualization

• Change/growth happens when they feel accepted without judgment (unconditional positive regard)

  • Parents should validate emotions rather than suppress them

Unconditional Positive Regard (Rogers)

• Accepting someone’s worth regardless of their behavior or mistakes

Problem-Ownership Principle

• The strategy depends on whose tangible need is unmet:

  • Child-owned → active listening

  • Parent-owned → I-message

  • Shared → win-win problem solving

Active Listening / Emotion Coaching

• The goal is emotional connection & helping the child solve their own problem by giving full attention, reflecting feelings, & exploring solutions

Win-lose vs. Lose-win Problem Solving

• Win-lose:

  • Parent dominates → child builds resentment

• Lose-win:

  • Parent sacrifices/child “wins” → burnout, permissive pattern, parent frustration

• Both damage trust

• Neither meets everyone’s needs

Win-win Problem Solving

• Cooperation where both parent & child’s needs are met

• Builds mutual respect

• 6 steps:

1. Choose not to use power

2. Active listen

3. I-message

4. Brainstorm

5. Evaluate

6. Agree on mutual solution

You-Message

• A blaming or shaming statement that provokes defensiveness

  • ex: “You always … ”

I-Message

Expresses a parent’s feelings & needs without blame:

1. I feel …, (true feeling, specific, appropriate intensity, w/o judgment)

2. When you … (specific, objective, w/o judgment)

3. Because … (tangible need)

Why parents struggle to confront:

• Parents often fear conflict because confrontation is uncomfortable

• They want harmony & don’t want to harm the relationship

  • When they do confront, they often use “you-messages,” which cause defensiveness & damage relationships

Communication Roadblocks

• Statements that block understanding & open communication:

  • advice, lectures, sarcasm, blame, plactating, commanding

• They make children feel unheard (similar to emotion-dismissing style)

Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) (Gordon)

• Teaches active listening, I-messages, & win-win problem solving to build respectful parent-child communication

• Applies Rogers’ humanistic principles (unconditional positive regard, empathy, & authenticity) to parenting

PET with young children:

• Yes—simplified forms work

  • Reflect feelings

  • Use short I-messages

  • Model acceptance

    • Full PET grows with language skills

PET Effectiveness

• Research shows PET…

  • Increases empathy

  • Reduces conflict

  • Improves parent-child communication

Congruent Communication (Ginott)

• Honest & emotionally consistent communication

• Empathy & authenticity

Ginott vs. Gordon

• Both emphasize congruent communication

  • Honest, respectful, emotion-aligned dialogue that preserves the parent-child relationship

Emotion-Coaching Parenting (Gottman)

• Helping children label & manage emotions through empathy & validation

Emotion-Dismissing Style (Gottman)

• Minimizes or ignores children’s emotions

  • ex: “You’re fine, stop crying.”

Emotion-Disapproving Style (Gottman)

• Punishes or criticizes emotional expression

  • ex: “Stop being angry.”

Language of Acceptance

• Communicating understanding & respect for a child’s feelings without judgment

Mirroring Emotions

• Reflecting a child’s emotional state verbally or non-verbally to show understanding

Psychological Size

• The emotional power or authority a parent holds in a child’s eyes

Sane Messages

• Honest, respectful, & calm communication that maintains dignity for both parent & child

Send a put-down:

• Communication that lowers the child’s self-worth

  • ex: “You never do anything right.”

Send a solution:

• Telling the child exactly what to do instead of helping them think through it

Primary Emotions

• Basic universal emotions:

  • Joy

  • Sadness

  • Fear

  • Anger

  • Surprise

  • Disgust

Secondary Emotions

• Learned or socialized feelings that mask primary ones:

  • Shame

  • Guilt

  • Jealousy