chapter 10 - What Are the Challenges in Developing an Intercultural-Intimate Relationship?

Intimate Relationships

Includes casual to deep friendships, romantic dating relationships, cohabitated and marital partnerships, and close family relationships.

Intimate relationships involve some forms of emotional intimacy to physical intimacy.

Intimacy

Degree to which people communicate affection, inclusion, trust, identity breadth and depth, caring support, and a sense of mutual commitment.

• Autonomy:

• Connection:

• Autonomy: need for privacy and regulated “me” space.

• Connection: need for merging personalized space into a sense of “we-ness space.”

Cultural-Ethnic Membership and Personality Values

With the individualism-collectivism value divide, partners often face issues of :

Autonomy–Connection:

Individualists emphasize the autonomy/privacy need;

collectivists value the connection need.

Cultural-Ethnic Membership and Personality Values
Plus Individual Personality Traits:

Independent-minded intimate partners view autonomy-connection as a delicate, high-wire act, balancing “me–we” dialectical forces;

Interdependent-minded individuals see autonomy–connection as a juggling act, a “me-we-they-they,” anxious about how family and friends will react to their relationship.

Cultural-Ethnic Membership and Personality Values
Uncertainty Avoidance Issues + Personality Traits:

Weak uncertainty avoidance or uncertainty orientation personality: wants to talk things through, approaches conflict in an upfront, assertive, direct, problem-solving closure manner.

Strong uncertainty avoidance or certainty orientation personality: avoids and dislikes intimate conflict, needs time to think things through, or seek third-party mediation for help.

Anxiety:

Uncertainty:

Anxiety: affective feelings, such as uneasiness, awkwardness, confusion, and stress.

Uncertainty: cognitive phenomenon which involves the inability to predict and explain a stranger’s attitude and behavior.

Anxiety/Uncertainty Interaction Management

• Anxiety-uncertainty management (AUM) theory (Gudykunst) in initial encounter:

• Three strategies to reduce uncertainty:

Anxiety-uncertainty management (AUM) theory (Gudykunst) in initial encounter: Individuals experience anxiety and uncertainty when they encounter strangers or culturally dissimilar others.

1. Passive strategy: observe the “attractive other” on the side, with nonverbal and verbal cues.

2. Active strategy: find out more info on the “attractive other” from a third-party source or friend.

3. Interactive strategy: directly approach and engage the “attractive other!”

Anxiety/Uncertainty Interaction Management
Research Findings: Reducing uncertainty in initial attraction phase of relationship

Individualistic or high independent self:
use interactive and direct strategies approaching the attractive target; use low-context communication and expect direct answers.

Collectivistic, high interdependent self:
use passive observations plus active strategies to reduce uncertainty; use high-context communication and ask friends for suggestions.

Love Attitudes and Expectations

Love involves: (3)

Liking:

Love:

Consummate love:

Love involves intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Liking: high intimacy with low levels of passion and commitment;

Love (“romantic-passionate love”): high intimacy and passion;

“Consummate love” includes intimacy, passion and commitment.

Love Attitudes and Expectations

Individualists:

Collectivists:

Individualists: will typically “fall in love” and may move onto another attractive dating partner.

Collectivists: value liking sentiments (friendship, commitment) as a foundation more than passionate love to start.

Voluntary Commitment and Structural Commitment

Voluntary commitment: desire or intent to continue relationship based on subjective emotional feelings, experiences, and individual decisions. Individualists value voluntary commitment.

Structural commitment: considers external social network and family reaction if  continuing or terminating an intimate relationship. Collectivists invest in structural commitment.

Voluntary Commitment and Structural Commitment

Interfaith marriages:

With negative extrinsic religious identity orientation

With strong intrinsic religious identity orientation

Interfaith marriages: since 2010, almost 40% of married U.S. couples are from different religious affiliations.

With negative extrinsic religious identity orientation (e.g., disapproval from extended family) – produces rigid marital communication pattern and leading to low marital satisfaction.

With strong intrinsic religious identity orientation (devout with principles and doctrines) –interfaith partners often practice more constructive communication skills.

Individualistic and Collectivistic Relationship Orientations

Individualistic orientation

1. I-identity relationship expectations

2. Couple’s privacy and autonomy

3. Voluntary personal commitment

4. Low-context emotional expressions

5. Unique relational culture

Collectivistic orientation

1. Ingroup relationship pressures

2. Ingroup’s connection and network concerns

3. Family reactions: structural commitment

4. High-context emotional expressions

5. Conventional relational culture

Perceived Physical Attractiveness

Physical attractiveness critical to initial attraction; cultural differences exist regarding what is attractive. In Western cultures, facial features are important in attraction.

Together with this first attraction facilitating factor on perceived physical attractiveness, the other three factors include: perceived attitudinal similarity, self-disclosure, and online dating/relationship development stages.

Perceived Physical Attractiveness

Online dating attraction: most popular way people meet in the U.S.

Initial attraction is based on photographs and an intriguing bio-profile.

Quality of online communication and sustained effort to continue communication moves the online relationship forward.

For many collectivistic individuals, family opinion is significant in their relationship development.

Perceived Attitudinal Similarity

Attitudinal Similarity:

Attitudinal Similarity: perceived similarity with attitudes in core relationship issues makes one more attractive.

Refers to how much people think others are similar or dissimilar to themselves. Implies shared views in beliefs, values, attitudes, relationship future, communication, interests, and/or hobbies.

Perceived Attitudinal Similarity
Opposite Attraction

Similarity–attraction hypothesis:

Opposite Attraction: principle is an important element, adding mystery and novelty in the initial encounter.

Similarity–attraction hypothesis: the more perceived similarity, the more interpersonal attraction.

Cross-Cultural Self-Disclosure Comparisons

Self-disclosure is the

Key ideas about SPT:

Trust–risk dilemma:

elf-disclosure and trust are interdependent:

Self-disclosure is the intentional process of revealing information about ourself to others, guided social penetration theory (SPT) research.

Key ideas about SPT: information exchange process that progresses from superficial and nonintimate topics to deep-layered intimate self-disclosure.

Process involves both the breadth (number, range of topics) and depth (deeper intimacy of information) of self-disclosure.

Trust–risk dilemma: to trust, must take risks to share information about yourself.

Self-disclosure and trust are interdependent: Self-disclosure can increase intimacy, which triggers trust and self-disclosure in partner.

Cross-Cultural Self-Disclosure Comparisons

Each person has:

Each person has: public self and private self in information sharing and information privacy management.

Public self: parts of person readily available, easily shared.

Private self: parts of person not readily shared with others, unless has developed deep trust.

• EX: Japanese have small public self and large private self: Guarded, slower to disclose during initial phases of relationship.

• EX: U.S. has a larger public self and smaller private self: Tend to disclose faster moving from acquaintance to intimate friendship.

Cross-Cultural
Self-Disclosure Comparisons

Johari Window involves 4 panels of information

1. Open panel: info known to self and others or a specific person.

2. Hidden panel: info known to self but unknown to others.

3. Blind panel: info not known to self, known to others.

4. Unknown panel: info not known to self or others. At first glance, this panel seems strange, but we learn about ourselves through new learning, travel, experiences, experimentations, others’ observations.

Panels’ boundaries are permeable and situational: self-disclosure depends on the relationship, degree of trust, situation, family upbringing, and cultural values.

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Online Relationship Development, Attraction, and Disclosure

Five phases of online/offline courtship:

1. Attention phase: create/choose photograph, name or avatar, profile.

2. Recognition phase: virtual flirting (wink and icon if interested)

3. Online interaction phase: Shortest phase, via email, IM or text

4. Face-to-face, meet-and-greet phase: “screening out process” to see if there is physical attraction and if the person matches online profile.

5. Resolution phase: decide to meet again or to find another match

Intercultural-Intimate Conflict

Antagonistic friction or disagreement between two romantic partners due to cultural or ethnic group membership differences.
The source of conflict stems from cultural-ethnic values to start.

Intercultural/
Interracial Romantic Relationship Development

• Gen X and Gen Y and Gen Z are more likely to have intercultural romantic relationships.

• Less prejudice individuals are more likely to interracially date or marry.

• Individuals with assimilated, bicultural, or marginal identities are more likely to interracially date.

• If families are against the relationship and the couple rebels against the parents, finding each other more attractive and compelling is known as the Romeo and Juliet Effect.

Intercultural/Interracial Romantic Relationship Development

Four stages of “racial awakening” among interracial couples:

1. Racial awareness: gradual awakening to societal views on interracial-intimate relationship issues; an initial-experimentation phase of assessing attraction-interracial compatibility.

2. Relational stressors and coping: facing internal (expectation and satisfaction issues) and external (family reaction) struggles, couples select coping strategies; intimate conflict occurs. The more the partner perceives identity support from the other partner, the more relationship intimacy increases and intensifies.

3. Couplehood identity emergence: relationship integration and close bonding stage moves the relationship forward with clarity and priority; acknowledgement of both cultural-racial experiences; honest self-disclosure about racial or religious issues; commitment to learn more.

4. Relationship maintenance/repair and revisioning: partners continue to engage in mutual identity empathy work as they face new challenges. Work on relationship repair work and update relationship visions and dream plans. Practice doable compromises and remember “family” as a “common ground.”

Encountering Prejudice and Racism

• Interracial couples display obvious visible differences in comparison among intercultural or interfaith couples, who have the ability to  reveal or hide differences among outsiders.

• Reactions among parent’s range from support, acceptance, to rejection, hostility, fear. There is no guarantee that partners are free from racism, thus, partners must learn to acknowledge racism mindfully, responsively, and with supportive transparency.

• Some couples view issues of racism as a lifetime project, other couples dismiss them as inconsequential.

Countering Racism with Coping Strategies

Conflict management responses among interfaith couples: Two strategy types:

Parallel integrative strategy: adopt elements from both religions

Creative compromising strategy: incorporate elements of both religions but remove aspects that cause discomfort.

Practice interfaith open communication:

Practice interfaith open communication: includes explicit messages that support partner’s religious faith and take active involvement in partner’s religious activities if possible. Willingness to be vulnerable and engage in appreciative listening, common-ground visioning and future planning together as a unit.

Coping Strategies for Recurring Racism

1. Ignore or dismiss: minor offenses.

2. Normalizing: appeal to be treated as “normal” couple.

3. Withdraw: avoid hostile places or people.

4. Confrontation: directly address people who insult and defend personal or partner’s identity.

5. Educating: cite current dating and marital trends, actively outreach to help others accept intercultural couples.

6. Prayer: rely on faith to solve problems.

7. Humor: add levity in distressing situations to ease pain of racism.

8. Advocate: become an ally or advocate in your community, church or neighborhood

Despite the struggles, there is joy, reward,
and fulfillment

1. Personal enrichment, clarification of beliefs, values, and our prejudices.

2. Develop stronger cultural frame of reference by integrating multiple value systems and communication practices.

3. Build stronger and committed relationships from weathering prejudice together.

4. Raise open-minded, resilient, resourceful and adaptive children.

Developing a Secure Multifaceted Identity

Four identity options of bicultural children:

Bicultural, interfaith, and trans-adopted children (adopted out of one culture by parent(s) of another culture or ethnicity) often face more identity issues over lifetime. 

1. Majority-group identifiers: identify with parent from dominant culture/religion

2. Minority-group identifiers: Children identify with minority parent.

3. Synthesizers: Acknowledge both influences, synthesize both into coherent identity.

4. Disaffiliates: Identify with neither parent’s cultural background.

Practical Guidelines for Intercultural-Intimate Couples

1. Work out a family identity plan early on and disclose your fears, ideals, dreams, and hopes.

2. Listen to your children’s identity experiences and stories.

3. Provide multicultural opportunities and direct engagement activities.

4. Be truthful about prejudice and racism with your children; nurture self-esteem on multiple identity spheres.

5. Recognize that children will grow up and choose their own path – accept and validate their choice – they need your support and love.

To Manage Diverse Intimate Relationship Issues

1. Pay attention to expectations and communication challenges.

2. Be mindful of attitudes regarding relationship development issues and racism scenarios.

3. Be sensitive to gaps with individualistic-collectivistic values.

4. Be unconditionally accepting of partner’s core identity together with personal identity distinctiveness.

5. Offer emotionally supportive messages during positive and negative stressor events.

6. Think positively about your relationship and memory reflections.

7. Dig deep into your partner’s multiplex identities; be curious about her/his changing identity and convey your empathetic caring