Studied by 12 people
All the fucking lines WOOOOOO
After Daughter sings:
Ew that’s gross
Father: Hey, I found wild fruit
Pay attention Dad
(Rest of Scene 1) Father: The fun situation. That will lead us to a better life. When God burns down the door, he opens a window. Now kids, what have you taken away from all this?
God’s a prick?
Mother: …We are gonna have a darn good time. Just think of this trip as a big old vacation!
Ain’t that exciting?
Are we going to go skinny dipping?!
Mother: (something like) Why would we do that?
I don’t know.
FATHER: (he brightens his spirits) Okay. Let’s get excited everyone, because here we are! The place where our great trek begins!
KIDS: Where’s that, Dad?
(Independence) After first section of song: TOWNSPERSON #1: Hi, I’ve got dysentery. You will too unless you stop to rest frequently! My wife and kids all died, but if I pull through I’ll travel at a steady pace from now on!
SON: What’s dysentery, Dad?
TOWNSPERSON #2: Don't push your ox too hard! Drive 'em too fast and you'll end up with lame-footed animals! Then you’ll have to kill ‘em!
SON: I don’t ever wanna kill and animal, Dad.
After second section of song: FATHER: Actually, sir, we’re kinda doing this trip on a budget.
SON: We’re poor.
DAUGHTER: Our farm burned down.
SON: God did it to us, damn him to hell.
(Rest of scene 2, after whole mcdoon scene) MOTHER: Why can’t you be more like your brother? God knows he’s small and weak for his age, but at least he’s got some sense in his brain.
SON: (Son enters, there’s something in his mouth) Fanks, mum.
MOTHER: (a beat) What’s in your mouth?
SON: Nuffin’.
MOTHER: You lyin’ fiend. Spit that out. (Son spits something out and hands it to Mother) Is this a dead bird? (it is) Where’d you get this?
SON: I don’t know.
MOTHER: Well, did you open your mouth and catch it outta the air?
SON: Uh...I found it on the ground. And then... I don’t know.
(After many lines) FATHER: That’s right, honey. They’re octagons! That’s eight sides, for eight times the traction.
SON: I think it’s a great wagon! Look at me, Dad! (he jumps into the wagon and falls right through the bottom onto the hard ground) Ouch! I broke my ankle! There’s a hole in the bottom, Dad!
(dad intoduces Ox and he enters)
DAUGTHER & SON: AHHHH!!!!
DAUGTHER: Ew... He’s slimey.
SON: Is his skin supposed to rub off like that? (Father rubs off a layer of the ox’s skin)
(they all say different things at the same time)
SON: Huddles!
(At the start of the grind) MOTHER: All right, that was three sounds.
SON: I think three things broke.
(After dads whole crazy riff at the end of the song)
SON: (speaking) Dad!
(Scene 3) MOTHER: That’s impossible. We left Fort Laramie with fifty mason jars of the stuff!
SON: I don’t know if we should give that grass to the ox. It’s been making me real sick when I eat it. (The family all turn towards the son) Oops.
MOTHER: You ate all of our grass reserves?
SON: I don’t know.
MOTHER: You just said you did! Why would you do that!?
SON: I don’t know.
MOTHER: Stop saying you don’t know!
SON: Mom, I’m serious. I’m a kid. Don’t look too deep here for a reason why I do anything. Cause, I don’t know. Asking me, a seven year old, why I ate all that grass is like asking me why I throw our supplies off the back of the wagon when I’m bored. Is it to watch how stuff bounces? I don’t know.
DAUGTHER: Is that why you tried to pick me up and drag me towards the back of the wagon the other day?
SON: Hm. Yeah. That seems like what I was doing. I can’t say for sure, cause I don’t know, but judging from the way you described it I’d say “yes”. I was gonna throw you off the wagon to see how you bounced. But, I’m a kid. I basically know nothing. I’m experiencing a lot of things for the first time and I gotta figure them out through trial and error... and sticking them in my mouth.
MOTHER: God Lord, what else are you eating!?
SON: I’ve literally put every item I’ve come across into my mouth. When I interact with a new object I’m gonna look at it for a little bit. I’m gonna reach out and poke it, see if it moves around. I’m gonna pick it up. Wiggle it back and forth. And then it goes all the way in my mouth. And if that thing doesn’t try to get out of my mouth, then it’s going down the hatch. If you ask me it’s a pretty smart way to do things. The other day I put a scorpion in my mouth. He jumped out. He knew the rules, he played the game. I respect him for that. Maybe this grass should have done the same.
MOTHER: Lord, help me. Not only was that grass for the ox, but we had to eat it too while we were crossing the desert! What are we supposed to do now?
SON: Sigh... God guys, I don’t know!
MOTHER: You, young man, are gonna go get more food! You are going hunting!
SON: Okay. Explain to me what that is. Explain the whole idea. Start from the very beginning. Assume that I know nothing. (The Mother takes out a shotgun and shoves it into the Son’s hands.)
MOTHER: Here! Figure it out!
SON: Okay. (Son looks at the gun inquisitively, then slowly attempts to put the entire gun, barrel first, into his mouth. Mother pulls the gun away.)
GRANDPA: Come on kids! Your old Grandpa’s gonna take you to kill some stuff! (Grandpa takes the kids over to a different part of the stage. Lights go down on Mother and Father.) Alright, here you go kids. (Grandpa hands the gun to the kids who begin fighting over it.)
SON: Gimme!
DAUGHTER: Mine!
SON: It’s my turn!
DAUGHTER: No me!
SON: Me!
GRANDPA: Ouch, you shot me. That means your turn’s over. Now, give the gun to your brother. (Daughter hands Son the gun.)
SON: Okay... Oh wait... I forgot. I love animals. I don’t know if I can kill an animal.
DAUGHTER: Oh, stop pouting. You ain’t gonna shoot nothing, even if you want to. Them critters is too fast.
SON: Okay. Good. (Just then an impossibly slow buffalo, BUFFALO DAD, moseys his way onto the stage.)
GRANDPA: Shoot the baby. He ain’t going nowhere on them shaky legs.
SON: But... they’re talking to me.
GRANDPA: Look, he slipped! What are you waiting for boy?
SON: They’re a family. Can’t you hear them talking? Have I gone mad? I don’t know!
(In pays to be an animal) DAUGHTER & GRANDPA: (to Son, referring to the buffalo, speaking) Just shoot him! They’re getting away! Just do it! Do it!
SON: Please God... if you’re up there, let me miss. (Son points the gun, closes his eyes, and shoots. Direct hit. The mother buffalo’s head explodes.)
BUFFALO DAD: Honey? Honey! Oh no! Oh please God no! (He turns toward Son and slowly charges him.) I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch!
SON: Ahhh! (Son shoots and hits Buffalo Dad right between the eyes.)
(After Buffalo Son finishes singing)
SON: Ahhhhhh! (eventually, Son can’t take the pressure from his family; he screams and shoots the Buffalo Son. Grandpa & Daughter rejoice. Son is traumatized.)
(Scene 4) MOTHER: Here. She can have my share. (Father takes the plate and leaves; Mother notices that Son is curled into a ball, weeping softly and not eating) What’s the matter with you? How come you ain’t eating?
SON: I can’t eat that. It’s part of that cow I shot. It’s blood is on my hands.
MOTHER: Oh sweetie, don’t get all torn up over a buffalo. (she cuddles up next to him) You shooting it was God’s will.
SON: But those cows were a family. Like us. What if it’s God’s will is for one of us to die? (foreboding music)
(after worlds at stake, and during that scene) FATHER: No. I’m fine. Really, I’ve never felt more... alive. (The lights get crazy as Father begins to trip balls; he leaves his body; Son and Daughter enter and look at their pathetic father)
SON: What’s happening to him, Mom?
DAUGHTER: Holy cow! He’s turning purple!
SON: What’d he put in his mouth?!
(After Dysentery World) MOTHER: Alright, what did you kids write on the grave stone for your father? (Daughter and Son hold up a grave-stone that reads...) “Peperony and chease”?
SON: (correcting her) No no, Mom. “Cheese”. Peperoni and cheese. You see?
DAUGHTER: Um... Uh... Pepperoni?
SON: ... And cheese?
FATHER: (grabbing the kids) Kids! I love you kids! Don’t you ever die!
DAUGHTER & SON: AHHHH!!!
MOTHER: So you weren’t dead? You scared us half to death, you big dumb pepperoni!
SON: And cheese.
DAUGHTER: Hey, we wanna fly too!
SON: Yeah! And then we can get naked in a lake!
Scene 5 (In Wagon on Fire) Don’t forget at end of song!! (Also make sure you know timing for end of songs with lines)
SON: When you got blood on your dick! (Lights down)
(Act 2 Scene 2) GRANDPA: So thirsty...
SON: We're dying...
FATHER: Come on, gang, nothing like an ice cold... (he takes one of the bottles) er... luke warm Neon Cactus drink to really bring a family together.
SON: Huh? What’s this? (he goes through his process of poking the Neon Cactus Cup, picking it up, and trying to put it in his mouth)
MOTHER: I am gonna gather what family I have left, and I am going to find my daughter and find my own way to Oregon. And you... you just enjoy the rest of your vacation. I’m sorry (Insert Father’s Name), this isn’t personal... this is survival. (she gets up from the bar and exits; Father sits in silence for a moment, then he’s approached by Son)
SON: Boy Dad, you’re really in trouble with Mom. Can I tell you something about myself? I hate being in trouble. As a kid, that’s my number one fear. I’d rather be dead then in trouble. Do you know how many times I’ve done something where I’ve just thought of not coming back to the wagon cause I didn’t want to get in trouble? I lost a shoe two months ago. I haven’t told anybody. No one’s noticed. I’ve been walking around with one shoe. If someone asked me, “where’s your shoe?” I’d say, “I don’t know”. Cause at this point, I honestly don’t. I knew where it was when I threw it off the wagon. I pointed at it for a while, nobody said anything, so I just put my hand down and forgot about it, man. All I know is that shoe bounced pretty good. Well, goodbye Dad.
FATHER: Goodbye, (Insert Son’s Name).
SON: Hey, Dad. Mom may have thrown you off the proverbial wagon but... sometimes you throw things off the wagon and they bounce back on. Maybe that’ll happen to you, Dad. Maybe that’ll happen to you. (Son exits, running after Mother; after a bit, Grandpa sits next to Father)
(After all of the singing and parts from before, now with just mom and son) MOTHER: Alright, (insert Son’s name). We gotta find a way to get outta here. Get ourselves a horse or a mule. Hell, we’ll hitchhike if we have to! Come on, Son! Keep up... Where is your goddamn shoe?
SON: Uh oh. I should’ve stayed with Dad. (Suddenly, Father calls out to Mother from offstage...)
MOTHER: (insert Father’s name)?
SON: Dad!
FATHER: I did what I had to do. Look, you’re right about me. I’m a dog. A dumb, happy-go-lucky dog. But you know what else a dog is?
SON: Dirty?
(During Speed Run) FATHER: (speaking) Oh my God! There’s a gap in the road!
SON: It’s a river, Dad. It’s called a river.
(Part of Scene after Caulk The Wagon) MOTHER: (to Son & Grandpa) Alright everyone, strap yourselves in. This is the Great Columbia River. The most dangerous river in the world. Tie everything down. (to Daughter) Don’t worry, (insert Daughter’s name)! We’re coming!
SON: Mom, I’m all for a quick skinny-dip, but if we go in there, we could die. Remember what everyone in Independence said? Friends don’t let friends ford the river.
FATHER: Alright, here we GOOOO!!!! (Father pushes the wagon into the river, jumps on, and the family is off to save Daughter; the rapids are intense and shake the wagon violently)
FAMILY: WOAH!!!!
FATHER: Uh oh, gang!!! Look at that! There’s a huge boulder straight ahead! We’re gonna crash!
FAMILY: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (they crash into the boulder; their wagon smashes apart, and they all go flying into the river; lights down...)
(Scene 4) CORNWALLIS: I know, Grandpa. I know... (he exits, back to the sea...)
KIDS: (running onstage, finding Grandpa) Grandpa!
FATHER: That’s right. We’re almost at...
FAMILY: Gasp. The state line. (in front of the family is a golden, glowing line; the Oregon State Line)
(Mother Ending Before Song) MOTHER: Oooooh noooo... (the Family rushes around her)
FAMILY: Mom , nooooo!
MOTHER: It’s all right family. It’s all right. It’s God’s will. And we all know God is a...
FAMILY: Vicious two-faced prick.
(Mother Ending After Song) MOTHER: Oh! The Lord sent me back!
FAMILY: Mom, you’re alive!
MOTHER: Why would you say that? What kind of mother do you think I am? Whether or not I was faking is besides the point. I think we all just learned what this trip was really about... appreciating your mother a little bit more.
FAMILY: We will, Mom/Honey/Daughter! (they all hug Mother)
(Grandpa Ending, before song) GRANDPA: Oooooh noooo... (the Family rushes around him)
FAMILY: Grandpa, nooooo!
GRANDPA: It’s all right family. It’s all right. It’s God’s will. And we all know God is a...
FAMILY: Vicious two-faced prick.
GRANDPA: That’s right. Now come here, kids. I’m fading fast. You know your old Grandpa loves you two. Sorry I could never remember which one of you was which, or what grade you were in. What matters is that I took you to the toy store more than anyone else.
SON: That’s why we loved you Grandpa.
(Grandpa ending, after song) GRANDPA: Gasp!
FAMILY: Grandpa, you’re alive!
(Father ending, before song) FATHER: Oooooh noooo... (the Family rushes around him)
FAMILY: Dad, nooooo!
FATHER: It’s all right family. It’s all right. It’s God’s will. And we all know God is a...
FAMILY: Vicious two-faced prick.
FATHER: Goodbye, Cupcake.
SON: We’ll miss you, Dad. I guess I’m mom’s only son now.
FATHER: You were always her only son, Son. I’m your father, remember?
SON: Yeah, but I loved you like a brother.
(Father ending, after song) FATHER: Gasp!
FAMILY: Dad, you’re alive!
(Son ending, before song) DOCTOR: ... you, Son. (Son grabs his suddenly hurting stomach and slowly collapses to the ground)
SON: Oooooh noooo... (the Family rushes around him)
MOTHER: My son! My beautiful baby boy! Why did it have to be you?! Given the choice to kill any one of us, what kind of sick bastard would pick one of the children?!
SON: It’s all right, Mom. It’s all right. I’m going to heaven... Or maybe I don’t have a soul. Either way, this is God’s will. And we all know God is a...
FAMILY: Vicious two-faced prick.
SON: And maybe it’s for the best. I’d would rather die than get punished for losing that shoe. Speaking of which, (Insert Daughter’s Name), could you do one thing for me before I die?
DAUGHTER: Of course, (Insert Son’s Name).
SON: Here. Take off my other shoe, please. Throw it over there. (she complies) Oh yeah, that bounced pretty good. Well, Dad, guess you’re Mom’s only son now.
FATHER: Uh... No, son. I’m not Mom’s son. I’m the Father.
SON: Yeah. The Father. The oldest son. Goodbye grandpa.
GRANDPA: Go to the light, Son.
SON: I don’t see a light. I see a skeleton in a robe saying, “Come here. Come here.”
GRANDPA: Well, you might as well do what he says.
SON: Thinking about it now, I guess it makes sense that I’m the one with dysentery. I shouldn’t have put all that shit in my mouth. Especially that shit. Alright, family, gather around. And remember... (Son sings while the dysentery makes him shit himself to death...)
(son ending after song) MOTHER: Look (Insert Son’s Name), we made it. We’re in Oregon, together. (The Family holds Son in silence for a moment... until suddenly, as if by magic, Son springs back to life)
SON: Gasp!
FAMILY: (Insert Son’s Name), you’re alive!
MOTHER: But how?
SON: Well... I felt myself drifting into a deep, black nothingness. But then, I felt the crisp, clean Oregon air fill my lungs and it must have... Brought me back to life!
(Daughter ending, before song) DAUGHTER: Oooooh noooo... (the Family rushes around him)
FAMILY: (insert Daughter’s name), nooooo!
MOTHER: My daughter! My beautiful baby girl! Why did it have to be you?! Given the choice to kill any one of us, what kind of sick bastard would pick one of the children?!
SON: Especially since we went through all that trouble to save (Insert Daughter’s Name). Guess it was all for nothing.
DAUGHTER: It’s all right, family. It’s all right. It’s God’s will. And we all know God is a...
FAMILY: Vicious two-faced prick.
(Daughter ending, after song) FATHER: No. This isn’t right. We were supposed to get down the trail as a family, and that’s what we’re gonna do!
SON: But Dad, (Insert Daughter’s Name)’s gone.
DAUGHTER: Oh, the lord sent me back!
FAMILY: (Insert Daughter’s Name), you’re alive!
DAUGHTER: (a beat) Gotcha!
DAUGHTER: (a beat) Gotcha!
(The final ending, no matter which ending is chosen, we go here) FATHER: Look, everybody. The sun is rising over... the Willamette Valley.
FAMILY: It’s beautiful.
MOTHER: Kids, it’ll be hard at first. But in no time at all, we’ll have a nice little farm with fields of crops as far as the eye can see.
SON: Yeah! And maybe we can get some cows for that horny ox!
FAMILY: Hahahaha!
GRANDPA: Cornwallis, you shicken kit son of a bitch. (to the family) Gather ‘round, ya’ll! He gave it back! My fortune! Just look! (he unfolds and shows his family...)
FAMILY: A million dollar bill!!!
FATHER: That’s right. Cause we made it to Oregon in one piece. And more
importantly...
FAMILY: WE’RE RICH!!!
SON: And you know what that means... (he sings...)
(After all of song and such) FATHER: (speaking) Alright, kids. Go and pick out your favorite stretch of land.
SON: (poking his head back on stage, speaking) What about you, Dad?
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