Boeing Lines Berthe

GLORIA: But back home in America, all our dietitians agree that a big breakfast prevents neurosis all day long.

Did you call, Monsieur?

BERNARD: Another pancake, Berthe.

For Mademoiselle?

GLORIA: Please, Bertie.

And more of that red stuff to pour on it?

GLORIA: Yes please. But it’s not red stuff, it’s ketchup — very good for the complexion.

Well, I do not know what it is for, but I suppose it is alright. I do not like the look of it myself, but then I am not here to reform the world.

BERNARD: Well, that’s a relief. So, just get busy with the pancake.

Right. But do not blame me if it makes her ill

BERNARD: Are you going to eat it?

No.

GLORIA: Please Bertie, do hurry. I will miss my plane.

Alright. I am going. But it is not easy, you know.

BERNARD: What? What? What is it now?

Nothing…nothing…

BERNARD: Darling, of course I hate to see you go. But time passes. Planes take off.

Here is your coffee.

GLORIA: Bertie, dear? Will you do me a favor?

Depends.

GLORIA: It’s Mr. Bernard. Will you take good care of him till I get back on Monday?

I will do my best. But he is a big boy now, you know.

GLORIA: Yes, but they’re all just kids at heart.

I do not know about that. There are not too many like Monsieur. He is in a class of his own.

GLORIA: See how much she appreciates you, darling?

Oh, I spend my life appreciating Monsieur.

BERNARD: Well, could you appreciate me somewhere else?

She asked me a question and I answered it.

GLORIA: Well, don’t appreciate him too much. You could end up falling in love with him, and I’ll be very jealous.

I doubt it’ll come to that.

BERNARD: What’s for lunch?

The American’s flying out?

BERNARD: Yes. Well?

I am waiting for my orders. Monsieur has his timetables. And the menus change according to the timetables. All the time! They change. They change round all the time.

BERNARD: Alright. Take it easy. Now then, Mademoiselle Gabriella will be here from lunch.

Ah! Well, that is alright then. Think I can cope with that one. But it is not easy, you know. I find it very difficult to keep track of them all. I don’t know how you manage it. It is not easy.

BERNARD: I know it isn’t easy. You don’t have to keep reminding me.

Well, as long as you appreciate me. That’s all I ask, just a little appreciation. So, what do you want for lunch.

BERNARD: You’re the cook. You please yourself.

Mademoiselle Gabriella? What about saltimbocca alla romana?

BERNARD: We had a saltimbocca last Saturday.

Of course we did. Mademoiselle Gabriella was here last Saturday. She liked it. She told me so.

BERNARD: Alright, you win. Saltimbocca alla romana.

And what about dinner? A nice roast? Lamb, perhaps?

BERNARD: Roast lamb? Yes, excellent.

With olives?

BERNARD: Yes — er, no, no, wait a minute. Can’t be done.

No olives?

BERNARD: No. No roast lamb either. That was close, Berthe. You see, it’s Mademoiselle Gabriella for lunch, but it’s Mademoiselle Gretchen for dinner. She arrives at 19:06.

I see. No need to say any more. No roast lamb. Back to sauerkraut and frankfurters.

BERNARD: I’m afraid so. Sorry about that.

Just one thing after another. I do not know.

BERNARD: Excellent, and if I wanted to be sure of that transfer, I’d make certain of catching this plane. And if you want to get to Orly by eleven, you’ll have to go now.

He is quite right, you know. Better safe than sorry, eh, Monsieur?

GLORIA: I hope not.

There is a Monsieur Lambert to see you, Monsieur.

ROBERT: Good old Bernard!

These Americans…

BERNARD: Impossible. It’s all been worked out. It’s all on a schedule. Mathematical — perfect!

Will your friend be here for lunch?

BERNARD: You’re going to eat with us, and you are going to stay — till you’ve found yourself an apartment in Paris.

He is going to stay?

ROBERT: I am going to stay.

BERNARD: He is.

And where?

BERNARD: Where do you think? Here of course.

Which room?

BERNARD: Whichever he likes.

Oh, great, whoever he likes.

BERNARD: Well, you can run along and fetch it later.

What time do you want to eat?

BERNARD: As soon as Gabriella gets here.

That is a lot of help!

BERNARD: What difference does it make to you?

You do not just rub two sticks together, you know.

BERNARD: I’ll let you you know.

Mind you do. We cannot all make it up as we go along.

BERNARD: Alright, Berthe. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yes. And there is a letter for the American. From America.

BERNARD: Oh really, give it to me.

She will not be able to read it ‘til she gets back, obviously.

BERNARD: Obviously.

So you will let me know.

BERNARD: What?

What time you want to eat?

BERNARD: Yes, of course I’ll tell you, but I’m sure Gabriella won’t be long. She must be touching down about now, especially if she had the wind behind her.

Right. Let us hope Mademoiselle Gabriella has the wind behind her, then. Lunch is on its way.

BERNARD: You’re wrong, you know. It’s the perfect life. Oh! A detail — my three fiancees have the same initial for their first names. “G” for Gabriella, Gretchen, Gloria. It’s not essential, but it does help. Initials on presents, slips of the tongue — that kind of thing.

Muttering in French

BERNARD: What is the matter now?

Nothing is the matter. I am just doing my job, that is all. But now that America is gone, I have got to change the room for Italy.

ROBERT: She thinks of everything!

That is why I am here, Monsieur. That is my function, you see, Without me, I do not know what would happen to Monsieur Bernard — with all his complications. If Mademoiselle Gabriella is only in transit Monsieur, I mean, perhaps I need not clean up too thoroughly.

BERNARD: No. Just tidy up and change the photographs.

And I will make up the room properly after she is gone, before Germany gets here.

BERNARD: Fine, thank you, Berthe. Perfect.

If you say so. It is just one chore after another if you ask me.

BERNARD: Yes, she’s always complaining but she does know the routine.

Done.

BERNARD: Thank you. And you haven’t forgotten anything?

I do not think so.

ROBERT: That’s cutting it a bit fine, isn’t it, Bernard?

Yes, today is a bit touch and go.

BERNARD: Precision is the key.

Precisely. All I know, Monsieur, is that every time one of the ladies is in transit, then everything gets faster.

GABRIELLA: Ciao!

See what I mean?

BERNARD: Hello darling! You are going to be back at 23:00 instead of 19:00. 11 o’clock! What a shame. Yes, I’ve got that. You’ll do what? And you’ll eat on the plane. Yes, of course, darling. That’s great…alright, 23:00 hours then.

Monsieur Bernard.

BERNARD: Yes, darling. Love you…yes. Ah, Berthe. Cancel the frankfurters.

Germany is delayed?

BERNARD: Stuck in Stuttgart.

But, I have bought the sauerkraut.

BERNARD: Too bad.

Oh! Mon Dieu! This is no life for a maid. And another thing —

BERNARD: Well?

There is something I have to tell you.

BERNARD: Out with it then.

I have forgotten what it is now. It is all this coming and going.

BERNARD: It’ll come back to you.

Then I will come back.

GABRIELLA: And if just appeared from nowhere?

I have just remembered what it was.

GABRIELLA: Morning, Berthe, how are you?

Much the same, Mademoiselle.lel

BERNARD: What is it you’ve just remembered, Berthe?

Lunch is ready.

GABRIELLA: Grazie. Oh, Berthe! What’s this?

A letter.

GABRIELLA: I can see that. But it’s addressed to a Miss Gloria Hawkins. Do you know her?

BERTHE: Never heard of her.

GABRIELLA: Well, what’s it doing here?

BERNARD: Well, Berthe?

Ah! Yes! I have just remembered. The old fool downstairs — the concierge — he muttered something about me taking a letter belonging to someone else in the block. By mistake, you see.

ROBERT: Yes. Everything explained — really well, too.

My mistake all along. I am sorry about that, Mademoiselle. Sorry Monsieur.

BERNARD: We all make mistakes, Berthe.

If you would like to give it back to me, Mademoiselle, I’ll slip it downstairs after lunch. Well, it is all ready when you want it. Lunch, that is.

GABRIELLA: Grazie, Berthe. You’re a marvel. You run the flat as if it were your own.

That is exactly right, Mademoiselle. But it is not easy.

Phone rings

Hello. Yes, that is right. No, he is not here at the moment. It is Berthe. Oh! It is you, Mademoiselle Gretchen. You are in Paris? Already! Oh, you are early. Yes. Three days. Oh, I see, right, right. Well then, see you later. Mon Dieu! Trois jours avec l’Allemagne. Who can that be? All this coming and going. It is no life for a maid, no life for anyone.

ROBERT: It’s only me.

Oh. It is you, Monsieur.

ROBERT: Could you?

No, I could not.

ROBERT: There was a line a mile long at the station. You have to wonder why there are so many people in Paris. It’s much more peaceful back at home in Wisconsin.

It would not be so crowded in Paris if the Americans did not keep piling in.

ROBERT: No, I suppose not.

And what do you want with all these bags? I thought you were only here on a visit.

ROBERT: I always believe in being prepared.

I hope you are not going to stay too long.

ROBERT: Goodness, me! If you don’t mind me saying, you’re not very welcoming to your boss’ guests, are you?

I am only telling you for your own good. Just you wait and see, people coming and going all the time. You would have been better off at the station and there would have been more room for your bags!

ROBERT: I’m a guest. I have been invited, you know.

It is not a hotel.

ROBERT: It all seems beautifully organized to me.

Organized. That is just it. It is too organized. Shall I tell you what I think?

ROBERT: Well — I don’t know.

It is not human@ That is what I think. It is all very well for Monsieur Bernard giving out invitations left, right, and center, but I have to do all the work. What — with you and your luggage and now Germany.

ROBERT: What about Germany?

She has just rung to say she is on her way.

ROBERT: Well, that’s alright, isn’t it? Mademoiselle Gabriella has just taken off.

I know, but Germany wants to stay for three days. She just said it to me, thinking it will be a nice surprise for Monsieur.

ROBERT: For me?

No. For Monsieur. My Monsieur.

ROBERT: You have a Monsieur?

BERTHE: Of course I have a Monsieur.

ROBERT: Oh, I see.

My boss, I mean.

ROBERT: Oh, Bernard, Right.

Ces Americains…

ROBERT: So what does it matter if she stays three days?

There may be the friction… Well, it has nothing to do with me, of course. But Mademoiselle Gloria — that is the American —

ROBERT: Yes, I know. I’ve seen that one.

Well, she is due back on Monday.

ROBERT: Yes. Well, that’s alright. It’s only Saturday. Bernard will have plenty of time to work something out. Where should I put my bags?

You put them where you like. No, not that one. That is Monsieur and his wives’ bedroom. So, not that one. Not there, there will not be enough room there. Over there if you like. It is quieter there on the courtyard. Oh, just make yourself at home.

ROBERT: Thanks very much, Berthe. That’s very kind of you.

No it is not. I am just doing what I am told. I have got enough to do, thank you very much, without being kind to all Monsieur’s guests.

ROBERT: If you don’t like it here, why don’t you change your job?

No! New job, new problems. What is the point?

ROBERT: Well, that’s an optimistic view.

Look Monsieur, I am a cheerful soul at heart. I like a bit of fun, but this place goes too far. But what can you expect if you are in domestic service? I mean, there is no dignity in being a maid.

ROBERT: I see what you mean.

Thank you. You do not often meet people who appreciate a maid’s personality, do you?

ROBERT: Quite, quite! Well, see you later.

Oh, has Monsieur had enough of me?

ROBERT: No, no. Not at all!

Oh yes. You have had enough of me. When people say, “See you later,” especially to a maid, it always means they have had enough.

ROBERT: No, I assure you.

I am getting on your nerves.

ROBERT: Nonsense.

Yes. I’m getting on your nerves.

ROBERT: You are not getting on my nerves, look…

Oh yes. Oh yes. Monsieur Bernard is exactly the same. Always brushing me off. Never wants to talk. It is lucky I am an optimist. That is what keeps me going.

ROBERT: Could I have a bit of ice?

No!

ROBERT: Why?

I am defrosting the fridge.

ROBERT: Oh. Right.

So, there is no ice.