Exam 3: Dark Side

Complaints

People often complain when what actually happens doesn't match what they expected to happen

Utility of Complaint

Will complaining about the gap between expectation and reality actually help make things better?

• This is a perception — it's about whether the person believes it will help, not whether it actually will

• High utility → person believes complaining will help → they voice the complaint

• Low utility → person doesn't believe it will help → they stay silent

Why do we complain? (Overview)

Four main reasons: Catharsis, Self-presentation, Social comparison, Call for accounts

Catharsis (as a reason for complaining)

Complaining to vent frustrations and dissatisfactions in an attempt to feel better. People who don't do this often ruminate on their dissatisfaction instead, making it worse.

Type D personality

A concept from medical psychology defined as the joint tendency toward negative affectivity (worry, irritability, gloom) and social inhibition (reticence, lack of self-assurance). "D" stands for "distressed."

Self Presentation (as a reason for complaining)

Attempting to manipulate how one is perceived by others through complaining, in order to:

• Demonstrate high standards

• Look superior

• Save face

• Avoid participating in undesired activities

How self-presentation can inhibit complaining

Not wanting to be seen as "the complainer" — so people become selective about who they complain to.

Example: complaining about a B grade to a C student vs. an A student.

Social comparison (as a reason for complaining)

Checking whether others share your view

e.g., complaining about a hard task to a colleague to see if they find it difficult too

Social comparison (definition)

Individuals evaluate their own opinions and abilities by comparing themselves to others, in order to reduce uncertainty and learn how to define the self.

Call for accounts (as a reason for complaining)

Complaining about someone's bad behavior to prompt them to explain it and to change that behavior.

Holding someone responsible, seeking redress

Risk: this may result in a defensive reaction.

What makes complaints aversive? (Overview)

8 factors: Happens too often (Incessant), Feels insincere or manipulative (inauthentic), Can't be objectively verified, Said behind someone's back rather than to their face (Content of the complaint), Rejects every solution offered (help-rejecting), Feels deliberate/calculated rather than unintentional (intentionality), Spreads negative mood to the listener (mood contagion), Instrumentality, Interaction issues, Listener characteristics

Incessant complaining

Hearing someone complain about everything, all the time, is alienating and off-putting. People may complain incessantly because they're uncomfortable with lags in conversation, or because they're trying to keep the conversation focused on themselves.

Authentic vs. inauthentic complaints

Authentic = the person is perceived as suffering from a legitimate problem
Inauthentic = the person is perceived as trying to gain a reward or avoid a punishment

Verifiable vs. non-verifiable complaints

Verifiable = complaint can be backed up by evidence
Non-verifiable = complaint is seen as subjective, can't be substantiated

Direct vs. indirect complaints

Direct = complaining to the person who is the source of the dissatisfaction
Indirect = complaining to a third party

Instrumentality (of complaints)

Instrumental = a complaint is issued, and action is then taken
Non-instrumental = a complaint is issued, but no action is taken — this is more aversive

Intentionality (of complaints)

Mindless complaining = not strategic
Intentional complaining = a strategic attempt to change another person's behavior

• Short term: likely prompts a defensive response

• Long term: may benefit the relationship

Mood contagion

Listening to complaints can make the listener more aware of their own negative feelings about the situation, person, or object. Includes:

• Cognitive burden – listener may feel prompted to share the complaint with others

• One-upping – a cycle of listeners trying to "outdo" the complainer

Interaction issues — Complementarity

Interpersonal communication relies on complementarity: e.g., Person A calmly expresses dissatisfaction, Person B responds supportively. Chronic complaints disrupt this:

• Frequent complaints can lessen a listener's willingness to respond supportively

• If the complainer never takes advice, the listener may not know how to respond

Listener characteristics (affecting how complaints are received)

Listener's level of emotional detachment

• Listener's personal definition of "complaining" vs. "emotional disclosure"

• Listener's own tendency to complain

Help-rejecting complainers

People who chronically complain to seek help/advice, but then reject that help/advice. They tend to exaggerate their problems and feel their problems deserve more attention than others'. This pattern is frustrating for listeners and a key reason complaining can be aversive.

Are you always complaining?

It might be time to “re-wire” your brain

Narrative - negativity bias - confirmation bias

Observational knowledge

Knowledge gained just by existing and observing the world around us. Has both a good and bad side.

Observational knowledge — the good side

We learn practical life skills (like cooking, cleaning, and walking to school ourselves) in childhood simply by observing others.

Observational Knowledge - the bad side

We also observe our parents or others speaking critically about themselves. Parents may push a certain narrative onto us, putting us in a "box" — so we don't step outside the boundaries that have been defined for us.

Preprogrammed perceptions

Our perceptions may be preprogrammed by peers, parents, etc. This preprogramming works out fine for some people, but not for others.

Negativity Bias

The tendency to perceive negative information more strongly than positive information. This can amplify the negative stories we tell ourselves.

Confirmation Bias

The tendency to go out into the world and seek confirmation of the negative thoughts we've already told ourselves.

Pulling out small wins

Actively noticing and highlighting small wins can shine a light on a different, more positive outcome — helping counter negativity and confirmation bias.

Metacognition

The ability to watch our own thoughts come in and exit, and to name them — a skill for stepping back from automatic negative thinking.

Complaining (defenition)

An expression of dissatisfaction (whether genuinely felt or not) aimed at venting emotions or achieving personal/social goals

Dissatisfaction threshold

how much of a gap between expectation and reality it takes before you feel upset

Complaining threshold

how much motivation it takes before you actually voice it

Bottom Line - Complaining

In moderation, it is normal and even useful; it's excess (or complete suppression) — plus insincerity and manipulation — that damages relationships.

Why do we complain to our friends and partners?

1. To seek behavioral compliance (to get people to do what we want them to do)

2. To hold people accountable for actions

3. To punish

4. To express our own feelings

Types of Complaints

1. Behavioral issues (“You interrupt people constantly. It's rude and disruptive.”

2. Personal characteristics (“You're so arrogant—it's hard to work with you.”)

3. Performance (“Your work hasn't been good enough lately.”)

4. Complaining about complaining (“You complain too much; it's exhausting.”)

5. Personal appearance (“You look really unprofessional today.”)

Responses to Complaints (Overview)

Can be categorized by level of defensiveness — defensiveness being when a person responds to perceived criticism, blame, or threat by protecting themselves, often through denial, counterattacks, or deflecting responsibility.

4 levels, from least to most defensive:

1. Accommodation

2. Giving accounts or explanations

3. Withdrawing or denials

4. Counter-complaining or attacking

Accommodation

Least-defensive

People naturally tend to retaliate when their partner engages in destructive behavior. This happens when someone overcomes this urge and chooses cooperative communication instead of uncooperative communication.

Giving accounts or explanations

Mid-defensive

A more defensive response to a complaint — the person pulls away from the conversation or denies the complaint altogether.

Withdrawing or denials

Mid-high defensive

A more defensive response to a complaint — the person pulls away from the conversation or denies the complaint altogether.

Counter-complaining or attacking

Most offensive

The most defensive response to a complaint — instead of addressing it, the person responds with their own complaint or attacks the other person.

Brown and Levinson's Politeness Theory — Face

Threats to face are an inherent part of social interaction.

Two types of face: