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First impression
takes milliseconds to form
allow us to immediately stereotype and categorize others
create the foundation for future expectations
Confirmation Bias
selectively perceive and emphasize what we already thought was true (not what proves us wrong)
Primacy Effect
first information we get about someone has the most weight on our judgements
Accuracy of judgements
people are typically overconfident in their beliefs about others
does NOT increase over time, but confidence that you're right does
existing beliefs are influential at every stage of relationships
Positive illusions
balance of idealism and reality is best however we emphasize our partner's strengths (leave weaknesses and flaws in the shadows)
makes us feel good about ourselves, more committed, self fulfilling prophecy
Idealizing partners
we bend our expectations to fit reality (shape our expectation to fit what we have so we become content with the person we are with)
Attributions
why we think people do the things they do
give characteristics to behavioral motivations
4 types of attributions
internal vs. external
stable vs. unstable
controllable vs. uncontrollable
global vs. specific
actor/observer effects
they generate different explanations for their own behavior than they do for the similar actions they observe in their partners
Attributional patterns
relationship-enchancing
distress-maintaining
relationship-enhancing
you are getting the best possible interpretation of someone's behavior
distress-maintaining
bad things are internal, good things are external and unstable
P space
little daily small things (good or bad)
Q space
overall satisfaction with relationship
Reconstructive memory
we are constantly rewriting and revising our memories based on what is happening to us now (the past influences the present and vice versa)
Dysfunctional "Destiny" beliefs
disagreements are destructive
mind reading is essential
partners cannot change
sex should be perfect every time
men and women are different
great relationships just happen
Self-concept vs. self-esteem
who you think you are vs. when you add the value on to that
self-enhancement
we like to be flattered (from casual friends)
self-verification
we like to confirm that our self-concept is right
marriage shift
the closer the relationship, the more we want self-verification
ingratiation
the kiss up to the extreme, you flatter the other person
positive impression management
more common for women
self-promotion
promoting yourself (more common for men)
positive impression management
intimidation
taking self-promotion but making it angry, threatening the other person
negative impression management
supplication
whiney version of ingratiation ("can you help me with my homework because you're so good at it")
negative impression management
nonverbal communication
all of the things people do EXCEPT for spoken language
far more impactful to how we interpret messages than verbal communication
object communication
a wedding ring, a uconn jersey, putting a backpack on a chair all communicate something
facial expression
crying, smiling, cheeks : virtually universal
display rules
when and where we should show expressions to display our emotions are culturally regulated
micro-expression
a brief, involuntary facial expression shown on the face of humans according to emotions experienced
paralanguage/vocalics
pitch in your voice, speed, accent
kinesics
body movement or body language
gestures, postures, movement, waving, flipping someone off, raising your hand
haptics
the use of touch to communicate
proxemics
closeness, personal space, depends on your relationship and interaction you are trying to have
chronemics
perceptions and the use of time
kitchen-sinking
list everything that is wrong all at once
get annoyed by one behavior and then rant off everything
dysfunctional communication
drifting off-beam
counter arguments
mindreading
you don't have to finish because I know what you're going to say (leads to interrupting)
other dysfunctional communication
interrupting, yes-butting
cross-complaining
answer with a complaint about other's behavior
Four horsemen
criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling
effective communication
never say never (or always)
I-statements
XYZ statements
active listening (paraphrasing, perception checking)
validate your partner
Triangle Test
you create an artificial love triangle, can you trust them to be faithful?
Endurance test
how much effort is this person going to put in to see me? We won't call them and see how long it will take for them to call us
Separation test
Does it matter when i'm gone and are you happy to see me? do you miss me?
Communication patterns (men)
discuss more impersonal objects and actions, seek humor instead of support/counsel, be more direct and confident, self-disclose less to same sex
Communication patterns (women)
discuss feelings, personal matters, gossip, more indirect and tentative, do less of the talking with opposite sex, self-disclose more
rewards
the gratifying experiences and commodities we obtain through our contact with others
outcomes
rewards - costs
costs
punishing and undesirable experiences
comparison levels
the value of the outcomes that we believe we deserve in our dealing with others (measure our satisfaction of the relationship)
Comparison level for alternatives
use this to determine if we could do better somewhere else
proportional justice
each partner gains benefits from that relationship that are proportional to his or her contributions
you get what you give
Happy-stable
outcome is higher than both CL and CLalt
unhappy-stable
outcome is higher than CLalt but lower than CL
happy-unstable
outcome is higher than CL but lower than CLalt
unhappy-unstable
outcome is lower than both CL and CLalt
How do rewards change over time?
go down in unsuccessful relationships
go up in successful relationships
how do costs change over time?
eventually decline in successful relationships
start high and stay higher in unsuccessful relationships
How does our CL change over time?
usually rises over time, while our outcomes usually drop
however we're being treated becomes how we expect to be treated
exchange relationships
people do favors for others expecting to be repaid by receiving comparable benefits in return
communal relationships
the partners feel a special concern for the other's well-being, and they provide favors and support to one another without expecting repayment
actual equity
changing your (or your partner's) contributions and outcomes
psychological equity
changing your perceptions of the relationship and convincing yourself it really is equitable after all
abandon the relationship (equity)
leave to seek fairness
personal commitment
when people want to continue a relationship because they are attached to their partners and the relationship is satisfying
Constraint commitment
people feel that they have to continue a relationship because it is too costly for them to leave
moral commitment
feel they ought to continue the relationship because it would be improper to end it and break their promises or vows
friendship vs. romance
have the same building blocks but different components
love is more complex, includes fascination, sexual desire, greater exclusiveness, results in spending more time together
elements of friendship
respect, trust, responsiveness, capitalization, social support
social support
emotional, advice, material, and invisible
friendship in infancy
babies prefer familiar people over strangers (stranger/separation anxiety)
friendship in early childhood
increase in associate and cooperative play
playmates take on stable characteristics, start to use the label "friends"
still based on enjoyment of similar activities rather than personality
friendship in middle childhood
shift to similar attitude/interests and personality traits
friendship in adolescence
friendships aid in movement towards "coupledom"
decreased time spent with family
often contain both conflict AND closeness
friendship in young adulthood
key is search for intimacy
evolution and re-invention of friendships
friendship in midlife
less time with friends, more with partner (dyadic withdrawal)
focus on family of procreation
increase in shared "couple friendships"
further decline in opposite-sex friendships
friendship in old age
less sociable than younger individuals
barriers perspective, disengagement perspective, socioemotional selectivity perspective
types of cross-sex friendships
mutually platonic
romance
rejection
mutually romantic
shyness
you feel awkward and hesitant in social situations
experience low self esteem, feel that they will be judged negatively, expect worse or avoid interaction
create self-fulfilling prophecies
loneliness - social isolation
have friends and they went home for the weekend and now you're alone (number of people)
loneliness - emotional isolation
no close friendships or best friends (quality and depth of connections)
what causes loneliness?
"inadequate" relationships
interpersonal behaviors
coping with loneliness
address your pessimism and be rational
remember to consider the situation and its not just you
be active, not passive and double check your goals
Sternberg's love triangle
intimacy, passion, commitment
non-love
no I, P, or C
infatuation
only P
liking
only I
romantic love
I and P
companionate love
I and C
fatuous love
P and C
empty love
only C
consummate love
I, P, and C
romantic love over time
tends to decline consistently over time
reality replaces fantasy, novelty wears off, arousal declines over time
companionate love over time
tends to be more stable and increase over time
this is what keeps marriages together
the fourth dimension
caring - empathy, looking our for best interests
very giving kind of love
Eros
being erotic, all about the physical, hard time with distance relationships
ludus
think of love as a game
storge
friendship, whats them to be their friend first and want close understanding
mania
lots of drama, lots of ups and downs, territorial
agape
sense of duty and obligation, "should" form of commitment, very selfless
