(Mistakes) TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Question: Longevity

With both advanced medical technology and better government services, developed countries makes it far easier for citizens to increase their life quality

With both advanced medical technology and better government services, developed countries make it far easier for citizens to improve their quality of life

First of all, there is more access to better healthcare services, experienced doctors with deep expertise in their respective specialties, telemedicine platforms which allow doctors to diagnose illnesses remotely and deliver prompt treatment to patients, which is particularly convenient for those living far from medical facilities

First of all, citizens have access to better healthcare services, including experienced specialists and telemedicine platforms that allow doctors to diagnose illnesses remotely. This is particularly convenient for patients living far from medical facilities

Even if people nowadays are more likely to be diagnosed with life-threatening diseases, they can still be cured and maintain a good quality of life

Even if people nowadays are more likely to be diagnosed with life-threatening diseases, they can still be cured and maintain a good quality of life

a more developed country means that the government services are also better by all means

in more developed countries, government services tend to be substantially better in nearly every respect

Both Lisa and John raised splendid arguments on longevity nowadays

Both Lisa and John raised compelling arguments about longevity today

Both Lisa and John raised splendid arguments on longevity nowadays – which I fully agree with

Both Lisa and John raised compelling arguments about longevity today — both of which I find convincing

I think those ideas can be elaborated further

I believe these ideas merit further elaboration

there is more access to jobs, so less poverty, and therefore citizens can afford to undergo medical check-ups

there is more access to jobs, thereby reducing poverty, and citizens can therefore afford to attend regular medical check-ups

citizens can afford to undergo medical check-ups on a regular basis without financial burden

citizens can afford to attend regular medical check-ups without financial burden

developed countries makes it far easier for citizens to increase their life quality, hence increasing the nation's average life expectancy

developed countries make it far easier for citizens to improve their quality of life, which contributes to higher national life expectancy

With aforementioned benefits, it is absolutely understandable why people's longevity today is much higher than in the past

Given these advantages, it is clear why life expectancy today is significantly higher than in previous generations