IPC final - 46 terms+

Giving feedback (as a manager/boss/etc.)

• Managers are less likely to give negative feedback to employees they like, such as friends, and more likely to give negative feedback to employees with whom their relationship is strictly professional

Giving praise (as a manager/boss/etc.)

• You will need to use the “sandwich style” approach to feedback, which is starting with praise, then constructive criticism, then end with more praise.

Facial feedback hypothesis

• When you smile, you feel happier; the expressions on the face can actually create an emotional experience via direct connections between facial muscles and emotion centers in the brain 

• It tricks your brain

Improving supportive communication   

• Constantly being in touch, offering advice (cautiously), and taking the initiative to start the conversation

• Express empathy, actively listen, asking good questions, offer encouragement, and provide appropriate emotional, informational, esteem, or tangible support based on the person’s needs.

Fatal attraction 

• When the qualities that draw us to someone eventually contribute to a relational breakup

• British accent ends up getting very annoying

Why do people like friends-with-benefits relationships?

Men and women enter FWB relationships for two reasons:

• 1. They welcome the lack of commitment

• 2. They want to satisfy sexual needs

Friendship rules

1. Show support - Be there in times of need, especially for emotional support.

2. Seek support - The opposite of rule 1 (discuss problems, ask for support.

3. Respect privacy - Understand your friend may want to keep some things private (just like you do). Thus, avoid pushing your friend to disclose

4. Keep confidences - Don’t tell other people your friend’s business, especially if they want to keep it between the two of you.

5. Defend your friends - If your friend is being attacked, stick up for them.

6. Avoid public criticism - If you disagree with a friend, or don’t like their behavior, do not “put them on blast” in a public setting.

7. Manage jealousy - your close friend might have other CLOSER friends. Be sure to accept that, and understand you’re still valuable as a friend.

8. Make your friends happy - Be fun and positive with your friends.

9. Share humor - friends spend a lot of time joking and teasing affectionately.

10. Maintain equity - Great friendships give and get in equitable proportions.

Key takeaways from inter-parental conflict discussion

• everything you say and do will likely spillover into the emotions and feelings of your children.

• Choose your partner wisely

inter-parental conflict’s effect on children

• The impact on children when parents constantly fight is particularly negative

  • Interparental conflict is associated with lower levels of play with peers and lower friendship quality

  • Children who are often exposed to interparental conflict are more likely to imitate that behavior in their own lives, thus putting them at higher risk for aggressive and delinquent behavior

  • They tend to experience chronic instability in their family, constantly worried about the next “blow up,” which contributes to their insecurity about relationships in general

  • These children also have greater fears of abandonment and are more likely to experience jealousy

  • When these children become adults, they are more likely to have negative perceptions and attitudes towards trust, love, marriage, and cohabitation

Parental favoritism’s effect on children

• Parental favoritism has profound and enduring effects

  • Because favored children garner more of their parents’ resources, they are more likely than their siblings to be professionally successful as adults.

  • Favored children also report a greater sense of well-being and life satisfaction in adulthood than do disfavored children

• Toxicity for siblings can be especially bad

  • Studies show that siblings from favoritism families feel and express substantially less warmth and more hostility toward one another than those from households where there was no favoritism.

  • Studies show that siblings from favoritism families are substantially less close and report more conflict than siblings from equitable families, regardless of family size, gender of family members, or ethnicity.

How to manage parental favoritism

• You have at least two options: talk to the parents, talk with your siblings, or both

Four types of families

• Pluralistic family

  • high in conversation orientation but low in conformity = open, unrestrained communication that involves everyone, leading children to develop Independent thought and trust their own decision making

• Protective family 

  • Low in conversation orientation, high in conformity = communication emphasizes strict obedience, little concern for discussion of ideas, parents make decisions without considering thoughts of children, leading children to question their own decision making in real life.

• Consensual family

  • high conversation, high conformity - open discussion is valued, but there is pressure to agree with parents and preserve the existing hierarchy within the family. Parents make the decisions, and explain them to their children, hoping they will understand, leading children to value family talks (and adopt their parent’s views)

• Laissez-faire family

  • low conversation, low conformity = infrequent communication about few topics (little depth and breadth). Parents believe their kids should make their own decisions, but letting them do so without feedback leads them to question their abilities.

The family type associated with the most positive outcomes for children

• pluralistic family 

  • high in conversation orientation and low in conformity.

    •  This means open and inclusive discussions are encouraged, and children are treated as active participants in family decision-making. As a result, children from these families typically:

• Develop independent thinking and Build confidence in their decision-making

• Learn to express themselves clearly and respectfully

• They are more likely to have strong interpersonal and problem-solving skills

• Consentual

The reasons romantic relationships end

• 1. Infidelity/Interest in Third Party

• 2. Incompatibility

  • a. Attitudes/Values

  • b. Health

  • c. Emotional involvement

  • d. Sexual preferences

  • e. Money management (big issue in marriage)

• 3. Substance abuse

• 4. Growing apart (maintaining romantic love, but becoming different ppl)

• 5. Loss of love (‘losing feelings’)

Other less common reasons are physical and emotional abuse, work problems, and not meeting family responsibilities (i.e., unequal sharing of tasks with home and family)

Reasons people fall in love

• 1. Proximity = Being in another person’s presence all the time has a major impact on romantic attraction. This is because you’re more likely to feel attracted to people you talk to often = the mere-exposure effect.

• 2. Physical attractiveness = we tend to view beautiful people as competent communicators, intelligent, and well-adjusted

• 3. Similarity (opposites do not, in fact, attract): We are more comfortable with people who we perceive as similar to us, often because we tend to associate difference with uncertainty (i.e., potential conflicts).

• 4. Reciprocal liking - We tend to be attracted to people who are attracted to us

• 5. Resources - qualities such as sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, supportiveness, how “fun” they are

• 6. (Went through difficulty together)

The five love languages

• 1. Affirmation and support - being encouraging & supportive (e.g., I appreciate you, ILY, good luck on exam, etc.)

• 2. Time together - making time to do stuff together

• 3. Gifts and tokens of affection - giving flowers, jewelry, making special items (e.g., a collage)

• 4. Physical touch - holding hands, cuddling, sitting close to one another, and sexual intercourse

• 5. Acts of service - helping with necessary tasks by doing things such as the dishes, taking out the trash, and other errands.

Liking vs loving

• Loving includes an emotional attachment (emotional interdependence) and sacrificial caring.

• Liking - The people we “like” are usually people we: respect, trust, feel comfortable around, have concern for their well-being, and enjoy their company.

Defensiveness (and why it is bad)

Defined as impolite messages delivered in response to suggestions, criticisms, or perceived slights (this tends to create, elongate, or intensify conflicts).

• 1. Rarely succeeds in effectively accomplishing IP goals

• 2. Habitual defensiveness is associated with higher rates of conflict in relationships and lower satisfaction in both personal and professional relationships

• 3. It’s off-putting

• 4. It’s generally disrespectful

We can avoid becoming defensive by:

• 1. Assume people mean well/focus on the message/respond w/ respect first

• 2. Preventing defensiveness by avoiding the source or situation

• 3. If you cannot avoid, use reappraisal (view the person/situation differently) and/or minimize communication as much as possible

Deception (and why it is bad)

• Deception is deliberately using untruthful, irrelevant, or vague language for the purpose of misleading others.

Why is deception considered bad?

• 1. You’re tricking people into thinking your being honest (and no one likes being tricked).

• 2. It’s disrespectful--as people believe they can handle and are worthy of the truth.

• 3. It’s destructive, as it often creates intensely unpleasant personal (e.g., anxiousness & stress, especially when caught), interpersonal (e.g., people stop trusting you, disappointment), and relational (e.g., break-ups) consequences

Conflict Resolution Styles

• Avoiding (Lose-Lose)

• Accommodation (Lose-Win)

• Competition (Win-Lose)

• Compromise (Win-lose/Win-lose)

• Collaboration (Win/Win)

Avoiding (Lose-Lose)

• People choose to avoid conflict by ignoring it, pretending it is not really happening, or communicating indirectly about it (e.g., I see you texted them back quickly...). This is the most common style of conflict management. (e.g., cheating suspicion)

  • 1. A common form of avoidance is skirting--or avoiding a conflict by changing the topic or joking about it.

  • 2. There is also sniping, which is communicating in a negative fashion and then abandoning the encounter by either physically leaving or refusing to interact in the future.

  • The advantages to avoidance are: it’s easy, less emotionally draining, often avoids direct confrontation, and it maintains neutrality.

• The disadvantages are “substantial” including: conflict goes unresolved, cumulative annoyance (repressed irritation grows as your mental list of grievances grows--leading to an inevitable “blow up”) and pseudo-conflict (faulty perception that a conflict exists--such as what happened with my ex and my nickname for her “rudy”)

Accommodation (Lose-Win)

• This is abandoning your own goals and accommodating what the other person wants.

• You are more likely to accommodate people who have more power than you (e.g., a boss), and people you deeply care about. 

  • Advantages: easy, conflict is resolved, and the other person is happy.

  • Disadvantages: you do not get what you want, you may feel used or like your needs/wants do not matter, and if you have a pattern of accommodating, you could also “blow up” (Ideas for why?). Will likely have difficulty expressing wants/needs when needed

Competition (Win-Lose)

• As is implied in the name, this is trying to “win” the conflict, or get your way without any regard for the other person’s wants.

• The desire to compete is related to negative thoughts (e.g., screw them, Idc what they want), a willingness to hurt others in order to gain (e.g., idc if they’ll feel bitter), and a lack of respect (know this, if a person constantly competes in a conflict with you, they very likely do not respect you)

  • Advantages: When you “win,” it feels good/conflict is “settled” one way or another

  • Disadvantages: If you lose, you feel bitter. There is also a high chance of escalation, or a dramatic rise in emotional intensity and increasingly negative and aggressive communication (e.g., if you lose, but do not back down).

Compromise (Win-lose/Win-lose)

• This is where both parties change their goals to make them compatible. This often involves both people abandoning part of their original desires, and neither feels happy about it.

• This strategy is most effective when:

  • 1. Both people respect each other

  • 2. The conflict is not considered a huge deal (if it is considered a huge deal, compromise can lead to mutual resentment and regret)

  • Advantages: Effectively resolves low-moderate intensity conflicts, you get a little of what you want, often leaves relationships undamaged

  • Disadvantages: not easy (often takes negotiating), you may feel short-changed (like you could have got more),

Collaboration (Win/Win)

• By far, this is the most constructive approach to conflict resolution (and ppl who collaborate and solve problems feel closer to one another afterwards).

• This style is typically used when:

  • 1. You care a lot about what you want and what the other person wants.

  • 2. You respect the other person

  • 3. There is high motivation to reach a solution that everyone is happy about

• People who use this regularly feel more trust, commitment, and satisfaction in their relationships.

  • Advantages: conflict is resolved, everyone is happy, the relationship improves

  • Disadvantage: Guesses? (hint: there is only one I’ll test you on)

Strategies for improving listening

• 1. Paraphrasing - summarizing others’ comments after they’re done talking

• 2. Probing - asking questions (often to better understand situations/feelings)

• 3. Back-channel cues - verbal and nonverbal behaviors that signal you’re paying attention and you understand (e.g., nodding, eye contact, “uhh huh”)

• 4. Silence - sometimes being silent gives a person the space to reflect and realize the answer themselves. Using silence, then saying: “Please continue” is a powerful listening tactic (best for particularly emotional issues).

• 5. Open body positioning - relaxed posture that is slightly leaning towards the person is best--no crossing arms! (the next one is crucial for sensitive talks)

• 6. Set the scene, allow enough time, pick comfortable location, phones away

The critiques of saying a trans man (or trans woman) is not a real woman/man

• It is not respecting that trans person's right to be their authentic self 

• This criticism can make trans people think they do not belong here, which is a thought that can lead to depression and other debilitating mental illnesses

Why are people adding their gender pronouns to their social media bios?

• It is a way for people to signal supportiveness for the LGBTQ community 

• it is a way for people to signal that they are actually a part of the LGBTQ community 

Intersectionality

certain identities are oppressed more than others. Each of us has a complex combination and co cultural identities and experiences

people can face multiple forms of discrimination simultaneously, leading to unique communication barriers. Different communication styles may be influenced by intersecting identities, making it essential to consider context when analyzing interactions.

Strategies for managing emotions

• Try and modify or control the emotion once we become aware of it.

• a. Suppression - involves “holding back” thoughts, arousal, and outward behavioral displays of emotions (this is the most common, and least effective, way people control emotions)

• b. Venting - Allowing emotions to dominate our thoughts and explosively expressing them.

The skills of a highly emotionally intelligent person

• Ability to see things from others' perspectives and to have a sense of compassion regarding other's emotional states (empathy)

• They have a strong understanding of their own emotions 

• They have healthy coping mechanisms, like exercise, for particularly intense emotions 

• They have the ability to see things from another's perspective, and to have a sense of empathy for that perspective 

Implicit biases and how to curb them

Implicit biases are unconscious attitudes or stereotypes that influence our perceptions and decisions. To curb them: think, be aware, be open, see the other perspective

Using “I” language (how to use it)

• Rearrange statements using “I” or “I feel” or “we” language--phrases that emphasize ownership of your feelings, opinions, and beliefs while simultaneously welcoming a dialogue.

  • One reason for this is that when we avoid the word “you” we sound less accusatory

    • Instead of “You make me so angry” → I’m feeling so angry!

    • “You totally messed things up” →Things are totally messed up!

    • “You forgot to do the dishes” → When the dishes get neglected, it makes me anxious.

Interpersonal communication competence

• avoid YOU language--phrases that place the attention & blame on others.

  • You make me so angry

  • You totally messed things up

  • You forgot to do the dishes

How to talk to subordinates

• Competent communication with a subordinate can be achieved by observing five Principles:

  • a. Routinely and openly emphasize the importance of communication in workplace relationships with subordinates (establish a climate of high conversation orientation!)

  • b. Listen empathetically (in other words, make a habit out of responding positively to your employees, including complaints they may have)

  • C. When communicating wants and needs to subordinates, frame these as polite requests (e.g., Do you think you could stay an extra 30 minutes today?) or persuasive explanations (e.g., Here is why I need you to stay an extra 30 minutes today, and next week I will let you leave 30 minutes early)

  • D . Be sensitive to your subordinate’s feelings (e.g., if discipline is needed, always do it in private)

  • E. Share relevant and new information whenever possible (e.g., if people are being let go, explain why)

A lie by omission

• is deceiving by intentionally leaving out important and relevant information.

  •  Telling the cops they “came out of nowhere” (but you were on your phone)

  •  Telling your new partner that your ex cheated on you (but you cheated first)

  •  Telling your boss you’re a “little sick” (but you’re actually hospitalized)

How people react when they realize they are attracted to a friend

• Surprise and Confusion: They might be taken aback by these new feelings, especially if they've never considered the friend in a romantic light before. This can lead to internal questioning and a re-evaluation of the friendship.

• Excitement and Giddiness: The realization can be accompanied by a sense of excitement about the possibilities, especially if they secretly harbored some attraction or feel a strong connection with their friend.

• Anxiety and Fear: They might worry about jeopardizing the friendship if they act on their feelings or if the friend doesn't reciprocate. Fear of rejection and the potential loss of a valuable relationship can be significant.

• Introspection and Reflection: They might spend time analyzing their feelings, trying to understand where they came from and whether they are genuine romantic feelings or just strong platonic affection.

• Denial: Some might initially try to deny or suppress their feelings, especially if they highly value the friendship or fear the consequences of romantic involvement.

Breadth and depth

• Depth refers to how personal or sensitive the information is

• breadth refers to the range of topics discussed

The Jefferson rule

• Slowly count to 10 before speaking or acting

The most helpful act when managing grief

emotion sharing, talking about your grief with others who are experiencing or have experienced similar pain, or people who are skilled at providing you with much-needed emotional support

Toxic relationships and their traits (e.g., attack, submerge, etc)

• first sign is persistent unhappiness. You may also feel yourself becoming a “worse person”

A toxic relationship has some combination of the following traits:

• Minimal support for the other

• Manipulation of the other

• Competition in perceived disagreements

• Lack of respect

Fundamental attribution error

When we are judging other people, we tend to think their actions are rooted in something internal, like their personality or their beliefs. When we make an internal attribution, and we are incorrect, the tendency is to judge others based on their personality traits rather than considering external factors. It's a common cognitive bias that can impact communication and lead to conflict.

The powerful currencies

• 1. Personal currency - personal characteristics that people consider valuable, such as intelligence, beauty, charisma, communication skills, and sense of humor (e.g., think of how you act around your crush)

• 2. Resource currency - material things, such as money, property, and food.

• 3. Expertise currency - special skills or knowledge (the more highly specialized and unique the skill or knowledge, the more power you have)

• 4. Social network currency - a person who is linked to friends, family, and acquaintances with substantial influence

• 5. Intimacy currency - a close and intimate bond grants you power over someone (people can make you do things just because you care about them)

How to become more securely attached, per lecture & research

• They become close with a securely attached person

The most common reasons people break up

• 1. Infidelity/Interest in Third Party

• 2. Incompatibility

  • a. Attitudes/Values

  • b. Health

  • c. Emotional involvement

  • d. Sexual preferences

  • e. Money management (big issue in marriage)

• 3. Substance abuse

• 4. Growing apart (maintaining romantic love, but becoming different ppl)

• 5. Loss of love (‘losing feelings’)

Other less common reasons are physical and emotional abuse, work problems, and not meeting family responsibilities (i.e., unequal sharing of tasks with home and family)

How you become more securely attached

• Becoming close with another secure person

How to “best” execute the direct dump strategy

• The direct dump - directly saying “It is over”

• a. The way this strategy gets executed is important (In person garners the highest level of respect)

• b. Phone call is a distant second

The “positive tone” breakup strategy

• Ending the relationship with a positive tone--that is, in a way that shows the highest level of compassion and respect for the partner and the relationship by providing genuine reasons that are understandable and face-saving to the partner)...The key is not to “be happy” but to cloak the truth in a compassionate tone to help the partner see your position as reasonable

• a. These attributions are phrased in terms of unmanageable circumstances that are not the partner’s fault (but to make these reasons believable...you need to HAVE SPECIFIC REASONS)

• b. “It’s not you, it’s me” “We just had bad timing” “I really wanted us to to work, but it just wasn’t meant to be” “I have no regrets about our relationship”

Halo vs horn effect

Halo effect = when people assume someone has favorable qualities based on another irrelevant quality

• professors; big homes, big cars, and positive qualities because they have power in the classroom

• Addition to attraction → shows how we add extra qualities because we think they are good-looking 

Horn effect = tendency to interpret anything a person says or do does as negatively because you already have a tarnished view of their character

• Your ex decides to pay for your food, and you assume that they are trying to get something from you instead of their act of generosity

The circumstances that make it most likely that dating a friend will work out

• When there's a strong foundation of compatibility, mutual respect, and open communication