MCM - Bernice Roth Lines

The Musical Comedy Murders of 1940 - Concordia College Theatre Department (2026)

Eddie: I wouldn’t mind a shot of bourbon, if you’ve got it. (ENTRANCE)

Hi, gang.

Ken: Bernice, you’re looking wonderful.

Missed ya’ kid.

Marjorie: Have a drink with us, Bernice. I’m having a teeny martooni.

In that case I’ll have a huge Manhootan.

Roger: With a cherry?

Be realistic Roger.

Roger: Martini time!

Hi gang. Sorry I’m late getting downstairs, but the storm froze the lock on my overnight case and I’ve been upstairs heating it with a candle.

Marjorie: Heating the lock?

And the candle kept dripping wax on the rug so I moved into the closet and set something on fire.

Marjorie: Set what on fire?

Well, see, I don’t know, cause whatever it was burnt up. Then the maid comes in while I’m kneeling on the floor in the closet under this raging fire and wants to know if I’m Haitian!

His eyes are very blue.

Marjorie: We should think about him/ I know you’re only in first draft, Bernice, but think about taking that long, long, loooong section where the sailor is telling the girl how beautiful she is and making it a ballet.

I didn’t think that section was all that long.

Roger: Ever notice, in Bernice’s writing, every time someone tells a woman how beautiful she is, the scene goes on forever.

That comes from understanding romance, Roger. A subject you are somewhat hazy on.

Elsa: Does anyone need a refill?

Sure.

Elsa: Heavens how dark it’s getting and it’s only just past one. Wonderful! The snow just won’t stop, will it? What are you having, Bernice?

What’s closest?

Roger: Of course we know. We play New Haven, a murder. Boston, a murder. Philadelphia…

Terrible reviews.

O’Reilly: My old fither and me fither’s fither, God rest their souls, were police officers.

And you’re a tenor?

Ken: Bernice, have you…Bernice?

Hmmm?

Ken: Have you decided how much of the book we are going to do?

What?

Marjorie: Bernice?

What?

Marjorie: Has this silliness of Roger’s frightened you?

Oh no, of course not. I was just thinking. We have nothing to be afraid of here. My God, we’re warm and cozy in a lovely, old, kinda’ weird house… with secret passages, and blood soaked carpets, and sorta’ isolated by a snowstorm.

Elsa: I’m afraid I have a rather troubling announcement. I hope none of you have to reach New York this afternoon because the phone seems to have gone dead.

and the phone seems to have gone dead…

Help! We’re all going to be murdered! Help!

Ken: Let’s get on to the second act. It’s already four and Elsa wants to see this before dinner.

I need to see a man about a dog.

Roger: Me too.

And maybe some coffee.

Elsa: Last week someone there found the case and recognizing the name as one of the murder victims, mailed it to the police. ... ahh … who thereupon mailed it to me. I put it in the closet and forgot about it. Till yesterday. And with all of us reunited I became curious. I opened it. And what do you think I found?

I don’t want to hear this. It’s going to be someone’s finger or something.

Elsa: Singing.

What? Who wasn’t singing?

Marjorie: Oh, let’s not be ridiculous. Of course it isn’t one of us. We’re show people. So… on with “act the second.” As Shakespeare might have said.

He might have, but I doubt he ever did.

Ken: All right, all right. Bernice, second act, please.

Okay. “White House Merry-Go-Round,” Act Two. It opens in the Senate Chambers. On stage are Biff and Trudy. There are also some pageboys.

Ken: Come right back!

That’s the format. Here’s how it goes. Trudy is opening mail from Biff’s constituents, all of whom have advice on how to run the country. This leads to the opener, “Everyone Can Do It Better.”

Eddie: In the library?

This is making me very nervous.

Nikki: Let’s all remain calm. It’s probably the snow storm. I’m sure Miss Von Grossenknueten will be here soon with candles.

Listen, are we all here? Are we? Didn’t I hear the tiniest scream a moment ago?

Ken: We’re all here, Bernice.

That’s Roger and Ken. This is me. The performers?

Nikki: And me.

And Marjorie?

Nikki: She’s smiling, see? She’s just not being vocal.

Well, following that number, which will be catchier and funnier… or maybe cut, if you hate it that much!

Roger: Bernice, let’s go on.

No, I mean that’s the second act opener. And if she hates it…

Kelly: Has anyone come into the room from the passageway, and out the door?

I was by the door, They’d have had to pass through me… Oh my God!

Roger: Call the police!

Police! Police! Police!

Roger: The closet!

The phone is in the closet?

Roger, would you hold this for a moment please.

Roger: I should have listened to my numerologist. She said stay out of Westchester County. It adds up to death and decay.

Poor Marjorie. She had so many things to live for. Though at the moment I can’t think of a single one.

Roger: I fear Elsa has brought the stage door slasher to Chappaqua.

You think? It couldn’t just be someone who wanted Marjorie dead? The Shuberts, maybe?

Nikki: That’s the sixty-four dollar question.

Elsa probably used too much salt.

Roger: You put salt in hot chocolate?

Sure. Should only be a tad, of course, but it really gives it some snap.

Kelly: Nobody we know about.

You mean there could be someone missing who wasn’t here in the first place?

Ken: Picadilly, 1020.

My God!

Elsa: What is it, Bernice?

I just got the new second act opener.

Give me a pen!

That is so annoying!

Nikki: What I mean is, they were dressed like ballet dancers. As if it was some kind of audition or act.

Anyone want to hear the new lyric? I think I’ve caught the real flavor of Washington with it. It’s called “Ways, Means, and Mischief.”

I’ll take it from the chorus.

Ken and Eddie: WHEN WHAT?

Please! If you’re going to do that again, I need another drink.

Roger: I do not steal from Jerome Kern!

He certainly does not!

Roger: Thank you, Bernice.

It’s Sigmund Romberg.

Ken: All right, all right, let’s try it. I was here. Bernice, where were you?

I was behind the chair.

Ken: Well I for one do not think we should let Elsa alone in the kitchen with Helsa.

Wait a second, Ken. I want to read you the new second act opening.

Roger: Personally, I thought what we had originally was fine.

Marjorie hated it.

Nikki: We can’t just stand here and do nothing.

Sure we can.

Elsa: Well, it used to be the music room, you see, but…

I would have put it closer to the solarium…

Roger: My God, all we need now is a power failure!

From your mouth to God’s ear.

Roger: Ouch! Dammit, I just bumped into the piano.

That was my head.

Ken: Are you still sitting on the floor, Bernice?

I’m not moving until the lights come back on. I’m just going to sit here with this bottle of wine and relax.

Elsa: All right Bernice, We’ll be back for you. Come on.

“There’s mischief in Washington and guess who has to pay.”

“There’s mix-ups in Washington and guess who… who…

Who is it?

Helsa: You have not seen me.

Not in years.

Helsa: I am going back into that closet. You will not tell them you saw me.

My lips are sealed.

Helsa: If you tell, I will drag you into the tunnels where no one can find you. Have you ever been stripped, tied to a wall, and whipped? Well?

Do I have to answer that?

Helsa: Remember… one word and you die!

She’s in the closet! She’s in the closet!

Elsa: Who?

Helsa! She’s in the closet!

Roger: Out of the walls? Oh yes, I forgot we’re visiting the House of Usher.

Out of the walls? Out of the walls? That’s it, Roger. The second act opener should be a waltz!

Ken: A waltz?

Dick Rogers does one every show, Ken.

Roger: Bernice, this is hardly the place and it certainly isn’t the time.

Isn’t the time, Roger? Isn’t the time? I’m creating. Don’t tell me it isn’t the time. The contractions are beginning and he tells me it isn’t the time. I’ve been stopped from giving birth a lot here tonight, Ken.

O’Reilly: Has anyone seen the maid?

She’s in the closet.

Roger: Funf?

Five.

Roger: Wait, I’m not staying here with all these guns waving around. Bernice?

Scotch and soda.

Elsa: All right, here’s the rope. I’ll tie him up, I’m very handy with half-hitches.

That’s it! It’s gone. The lyric is gone and I’ll never get it back!

Roger: Oh, Bernice, are you alright?

I can’t work in this environment, Roger. These people have no respect for an artist. It’s casting swirls before pine.

I am very drunk.

Nikki: Maybe the sweetness of the oranges might counteract…

Word substitutes!

Ken: C’mon, Bernice. We’re moving on.

Oh, good. Anything open this late?

Ken: Put your gun on the piano, Elsa, and get over there.

Excuse me.

Ken: Bernice!

I have the wrong room.

Ken: No, my mother! Beautiful.

Yeah? Well, if you think so much of her, when’s the last time you called her?

Eddie: It’s a maze in here. And what’s another world for corn? Maize. Ken De La Maize. So I been trying to find my way back ever since.

Excuse me, if your done with that cognac, could I borrow it?

Roger: You’ve had enough to drink, Bernice.

You don’t have to count, Roger, we’re not at your house.

Elsa: In the closet, Bernice.

Well, I guess with the killer caught, it’s okay this time.

Eddie: Yeah, but what about the sister who sells sausage? Okay, I’ll be right back. Maybe you should put another knot in that.

Where is everybody?

Kelly: This is the stage door slasher?

No, I’m the lyricist.

Elsa: Corn?

Corn, of course. Corn. That’s it, Roger.

Roger: What’s it?

We’re wrong setting our show in Washington. These are troubled times… times for a musical that celebrates the spirit of America. The cornfields, the cowboys, those surreys with all that frilly little crap on top. Our next musical should take place in… Nebraska!