J. Finch's Lines (from PUFFS)

for memorization purposes!

LEANNE: Guys. Guess what? WE’RE ALL WIZARDS. (Leanne celebrates this fact. Everyone else is not quite sure what to do.)

PUFFS: Yeah.

J. FINCH: Hey, we should all introduce ourselves! I’m J. Finch Fletchley. I’m boyish and fun!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Me?

CEDRIC: Maybe! Well, I’m off to bed.

J. FINCH: If Cedric’s going to bed, I’m going to bed too! J. Finch out!

A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: (A sigh.) Can anyone tell me… What. Is. A. Potion?

(J. Finch raises his hand.)

J. FINCH: OOO! It’s what you put on your skin to make it feel soft!

OLIVER RIVERS: Is there a math class? Please tell me next is math class.

WAYNE HOPKINS: We have something called…Herbology?

J. FINCH: I hope it’s not scary or confusing.

At the snap of the Narrator’s fingers—a song that sounds something like an off-brand version of the “Monster Mash” plays. Let’s call it the “Monster Bash.” J. Finch runs on with other students. All wear various Halloween costumes.

J. FINCH: OOO! It’s the Halloween feast! J. Finch approved!

SUSIE BONES: …It’s going to kill us all!

HANNAH. Someone told me it must be my long-lost twin sister. Oh, I get it, they were bullying me.

J. FINCH: J. Finch is too young to die!

HANNAH: Alohamoro!

(Hannah opens a door with magic. She earns points. A feather appears.)

J. FINCH: Olive Gardium Leviosa.

BLONDO MALFOY: SNAKE SPELL!

(A snake shoots out of Blondo’s wand and lands in J. Finch’s hands.)

J. FINCH: Ahh! J. Finch sees a snake! J. Finch is going to die!

(Harry waves the snake at everyone.)

HARRY: SSSSaaah aGrrraaa Grraaaaassaaaaahhh!!!

J. FINCH: Harry tried to kill me!

WAYNE HOPKINS: No question about it. Potter is the Heir of Snakes. Someone has to stop him.

SUSIE BONES: He’s going to kill us all.

J. FINCH: No. It’s just ol’ J. Finch he’s after. And I never got…I never got to…I never got to eat all the flavored beans.

ERNIE MAC: Justin, we’ll keep you safe. Just promise me you won’t leave this common room. Promise us all you won’t leave.

J. FINCH: I promise…Welp! I’m going to leave now! Bye!

PUFFS: (Ooo!) (Bed.) (Bed sounds nice.) (Etc.)

(All exit.)

J. Finch enters (maybe still skipping). He sings.

J. FINCH: J. Finch, finchin’ around. Finchin’ the halls. Finchin’ himself!

(Mr. Nick, a ghost, enters.)

J. FINCH: Oh, hi, Mr. Nick!

NARRATOR: Year Two. The one with snakes.

(The Narrator sees J. Finch. They snap their fingers and J. Finch skips off like nothing ever happened.)

J. FINCH: J. Finch, finchin’ around!

CEDRIC: But hey! How about a story to help you get to sleep?

HANNAH: Maybe a story about the Puffs?

J. FINCH: A cool one?

CEDRIC: Hold still.

PUFFS: Ahhhh…

(Cedric lowers his wand. A pause. He quickly raises it, and EVERYONE SCREAMS. Blackout. Lights up on everyone crying. J. Finch leans on Cedric’s shoulder.)

J. FINCH: I have flashbacks to my petrified days. I never want to sleep again. J. Finch has slept enough for a lifetime.

Cedric enters, practicing. Leanne, Hannah, and J. Finch turn to watch. Rita Scooter, journalist and expertly named character, joins them.

LEANNE, J. FINCH, & HANNAH: Oooo!

LEANNE: Cedric! Are you ready for the First Task?!

CEDRIC: I think I was born ready. Bearspell!

(A teddy bear magically appears in Leanne’s hands. Everyone is amazed. They applaud.)

J. FINCH: Cedric! Are you nervous?

CEDRIC: I’ll be nervous once it’s over. Erectio!

(Erectio is a spell which straightens an object or erects a structure. Therefore, something in J. Finch’s hands straightens out or erects itself. Meanwhile, something in his pants does the same. He hides it with his cloak. Magic. Wow. Amazing.)

J. FINCH: Oh! WHAT THE?

CEDRIC: Hm. Repairio!

(Hannah holds up a pair of glasses she was holding.)

HANNAH. He fixed these glasses I was holding!

LEANNE, J. FINCH, & HANNAH: Woooow.

CEDRIC: Getting to compete against three great wizards, and learn all about other wizard cultures? I think I already won.

LEANNE, J. FINCH, & HANNAH: Awwww.

WAYNE HOPKINS: Hey, uh, Cedric. I was wondering if you had a minute?

CEDRIC: Sure. I’ll see you all later.

HANNAH & J. FINCH: (Bye, Cedric!) (Good luck!)

MEGAN JONES: Hmm. Better you than some loser I guess. Better than…Mr. Imaginary.

(J. Finch’s soul is crushed. His spirit breaks. He is not real, and never has been. He comes to terms with this rather quickly, and defeat turns to mischief.)

J. FINCH: J. Finch doesn’t exist. J. Finch can go wherever he wants.

(J. Finch exits to wherever he wants.)

MEGAN JONES: Come on! It’s been hours. How hard is it to get through a maze?

LEANNE. Very hard!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Shhhhh!!!

J. FINCH: Anyone want to hear a riddle? What has eight legs? It’s a SPIDER!

SUSIE BONES: My aunt and I stared at the door waiting. Waiting for the Dark Lord to arrive. To kill my aunt. To kill me. Death waits. IT STALKS ME!

(She cries. A sad moment. Leanne cries too.)

LEANNE. I went to a water park.

J. FINCH: I’m just happy to be here with all of you. My friends. Feelings.

NARRATOR: Year Five in one word: emotions. Year Five in two words: secret meetings! Even some of our Puffs were invited to join in.

(J. Finch, Hannah, Ernie, and Susie jump on, wands out.)

J. FINCH: Man, these A.A. meetings are great. Albus’s Army! The A.A.!

ERNIE MAC: Harry’s looking over this way. Let’s practice our stunning spells.

(The four get in a square formation and face off against each other. Everyone can say what they want here, really.)

J. FINCH: (Great. I’m doing the stunning. I understand.)

ERNIE MAC: Okay. 3. 2. 1.

ALL FOUR: Stupidfy!

(All four of their heads snap back up and all fall to the ground, stunned. A long, still moment of them on the ground. Eventually, all slowly sit up.)

SUSIE BONES: What happened?

J. FINCH: I think we stunned each other?

HANNAH. You mean, we did the spell? Right?!

ALL FOUR: YEAH!

LEANNE: Slumber party!

(She lies down with everyone. Sally enters and talks to a wall, or what she perceives to be her friends.)

SALLY PERKS: Everyone! I’ve got big news!

ALL: (Over here!) (Etc.)

SALLY PERKS: Everyone! I’ve got big news! And it’s NOT SAD news.

ALL: Oooooo!

SALLY PERKS: You know how I’m always going on about that thing I’ve always wanted to do? Well. I did it! I did that thing! And…I still go to this school!

ALL: (Wow.) (Nice.) (Applause.) (Etc.)

ERNIE: Your face looks like a flubberworm.

HANNAH: …Bullying me?

ALL: (Nice!) (Great job! (Good work!) (Etc.)

HANNAH: Ahh! Uh, bullying me?

ALL: (Ohhh no—) (Various apologies.) (Etc.)

(J. Finch steps forward.)

J. FINCH: Well, Ol’ J. Finch completed his life’s one dream. I ate ALL the flavored beans. Top 5: Booger, Spinach, Spinach Booger, Watermelon, and number one…

(Everyone provides a drum roll.)

J. FINCH: (Can say anything here.)

SUSIE BONES: My aunt. Me: Still alive.

ALL: (Yay!) (Good job!) (Etc.)

WAYNE HOPKINS: FORGET IT. Magic is dumb. Dreams are stupid. Friends suck. Adventures don’t happen in real life. Not to us. We’re ALL the worst at this school.

(Wayne storms off, much angst involved.)

J. FINCH: Oh no—I’m going to the petrified place.

(The Puffs pop out from various places.)

SALLY PERKS: OH NO! He-Whose-Name-We-Can’t-Say is definitely back.

J. FINCH: Harry fought him. Again!

WAYNE HOPKINS: On the bright side, Potter was the cause of most of our problems, so as long as he stays gone…

(Several Puffs run on.)

HANNAH. Harry’s back!

J. FINCH: He’s here to start a revolution!

HANNAH: But…why would they need us? Everybody says we’re the worst at this school.

SALLY PERKS: I don’t think they want the stupid people to help fight.

J. FINCH: Yeah. J. Finch is only good at Herbology. Which is the best.

(Leanne puts her wand center. All others join her with their own, one by one.)

HANNAH: I’m a Puff. And I’m staying.

J. FINCH: I’m a Puff. And I’m staying.