Appropriate Audience Behavior

BENNY: Because he’s a ghost!

CAROL: I’m sorry can you please keep your voices down. You’re very

distracting.

RUTH: And those cheeks. Too gaunt. I’m worried about him finishing the

show. He needs to eat a little during intermission.

CAROL: I’m sorry, but you are being so loud! Can you please just—

RUTH: But everyone’s talking?!

CAROL: No one’s talking! You are the only ones talking!

RUTH: You’re talking right now!

CAROL: Only to tell you to stop talking, because—

(Everyone in their row shushes both of them.)

CAROL: But I’m not talking! I’m only talking so they’ll stop talking.

CAROL: Hey, do you mind if I sit here?

TONY: Uh, no. Go for it.

CAROL: Sorry I just . . . I was sitting next to this crazy couple that kept

talking and talking.

TONY: That’s the worst. It’s like people have no appreciation for what’s

being performed.

CAROL: I know! Thank you!

TONY: So disrespectful.

TONY: Let’s go Claudius! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.) Let’s go Claudius!

(Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.) Come on, Claudius! Get your kingdom, bro!

Get yours!

CAROL: You going to be doing this all show?

TONY: Yo, you leavin’?!

CAROL: Yep, enjoy the show.

CAROL: Sorry, do you know if this seat’s taken?

CAROL: Great, thanks.

CATHY: Dude, you know have no idea. I am dying. So boring. Send!

CATHY: Dude, this guy has, like, no idea what he’s doing. His mom is

boning his uncle, and he’s just like talking and talking. Why doesn’t he do

something? Send!

CATHY: Dude, I totally get what’s going on! It’s just that he’s so mopey

and inactive. Plus, the structure is terrible. Like, do something already—

CAROL: Hey, do you think you can . . . stop doing that?

CATHY: Stop doing what?

CAROL: Texting during the show.

CATHY: Why?

CAROL: Because it’s distracting. And they told you not to at the beginning

of the show—

CATHY: Who did?

CAROL: They made an announcement on the loudspeaker.

CATHY: Yeah, but it’s just texting.

CAROL: No, it’s not just texting! Look, if you were just texting. That

would be inappropriate enough. Okay. But on top of that, for some reason,

you seem to be talking out loud as you text. You’re not even like . . . using

Siri to type out your messages for you, you are just talking as you type!

CATHY: So? What’s your point!

CAROL: It’s distracting! Mainly, that’s my point. It’s very distracting and

annoying. But also it’s . . . pointless! Why not use Siri if you going to say

every text out loud anyway?!

CATHY: That’s how people text these days! If you weren’t so old, you’d

know that!

CAROL: I can’t be that much older than you!

CATHY: Well, you must be, because that’s how you text. If you’re young

and not old and weird like you, you talk at the same time as you’re texting.

It’s called talxsting!

CAROL: That’s not a thing! You just made that up!

CATHY: No! It’s a trend! A real trend that people do! Why would you assume I made that up?!

CAROL: Because that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

CAROL: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just trying to stop her from texting

during the show.

PATRON: Oh, for Pete’s sake, just let the girl talxst if she wants to.

Doesn’t bother me.

CAROL: Don’t... say “talxst” like it’s a thing.

PATRON: Look! I haven’t heard of talxsting before. But I join any trend

blindly, because it makes me feel young! And if she says it’s a trend, then

it’s a trend. So just let her talxst all she wants if it makes her happy.

CAROL: But what about what makes me happy? What about my desire to

see Shakespeare’s best play without people making noises or shouting or

texting while also talking at the same time?

CATHY: Dude, just say talxsting. You sound like an idiot when you say

“texting while also talking.

CAROL: No! I will never say that stupid word! So . . . fine! I’ll leave, yet

again, and hopefully this time find a seat with like-minded, respectful

people.